Monday, February 18, 2019

The Amateurs (Usama Alshaibi, 2003)

I don't remember François Truffaut or Karen Finley being mentioned in any of Ed Powers' depressing Dirty Debutantes movies. But then again, I haven't seen all that many (THANK GOD!!!!!). I can see a wall of pornographic videotapes at one of the many adult video retailers I accidentally walked into over and over again back in the day. The innocent faces of the women peering back at me from the cover boxes. Sadness mixed with shame. A boatload of regret. If I remember correctly, the guy behind the counter reeked of hot dogs and rape.

I think there was a screening room at the back... there was a curtain... so, I couldn't see what was going on... but I recall hearing a lot of moaning.

People eat Ethiopian food at an Ethiopian restaurant in that location nowadays.

I wonder if they realize the walls are encrusted with at least twenty years worth of failure-tinged jizz as they make their order.

So, yeah, Usama Alshaibi's The Amateurs pays tribute to/mocks/ridicules/celebrates the pathetic hilariousness that is amateur porn.

It opens with two would be performers being interviewed by a director.

When Camilla Ha (as Mini Chang) name-drops Karen Finley (the mom from You Killed Me First), I relaxed immediately.

The conversation that follows is funny and stupid simultaneously. 

The guy in the wig won't perform unless a fish is produced... the director doesn't have any fish... he demands that the two potential performers get with "the suck and the fuck."

"We don't do kink."

The next interview is depressing. Uh, yeah. I don't want to talk about it.
Spoiler alert: "Princess" injured her eye with a pool cue while drinking moonshine. lol

Reluctant to perform with a woman with one eye... the director tries to convince his non-dashing male lead that it's okay by telling him that: "Not everyone has two eyes."

When the non-dashing male lead offers to warm up the speculum he's been instructed to insert into Princess' pussy, I nearly lost it. So romantic!

Next up is Echo and Coco... Um, the wide-eyed Echo needs to take a shit and Coco's filthy white t-shirt gave me a pseudo yeast infection.

Hi, Billy and Kalyx... thanks... bye! Worst annilingus ever!

Yay! Woo-hoo! I'm done with the Solar Anus Cinema collection. 🎉 I managed to type words about every single one of them. Of course, I didn't have to... but, in a way, I did. And I'm beaming with misguided pride. What I think I learned is that, um, porn is gay, and that Ukrainian women and sort of Ukrainian women need our support (now more than ever). Now, who wants to order Ethiopian, er, I mean, Thai food?

Friday, February 15, 2019

Gash (Usama Alshaibi, 2008)

Always writhing, always opening their oral cavities in ways that are clearly unorthodox.

This is Gash... and there is a gash.

It's on Katinka's pelvis.

It's pretty infected...

The gash, that is.

Wait. Is that a dental mouth opener?

"It's all relative to the size of your steeple."


You know what else is cool?

(Your legs encased in black stockings?)

Well, yeah. But I was thinking about... "Gashed Senses and Crossfire" by Front Line Assembly.

At any rate, I love it when Usama Alshaibi uses props in his movies.

Do you remember that knife from Slaughtered Pigtails? I was comforted by its appearance, as it was something I could relate to.

Well, I felt the same way about the dental mouth opener.

The dental mouth opener caused Katinka to lose control of her saliva.

And since I like saliva... I nodded approvingly.

I think there's only one more of these things left.

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Organ Molly (Usama Alshaibi, 2008)

I just watched Molly Plunk lounge irregularly on a mattress to organ music.


Molly has organs but they're inside her body for the duration of this film.

Just in case her skin fails to prevent her organs from spilling out, she has in·gen·ious·ly chosen to encase her lower half in multiple pairs of pantyhose.

Quirky fun-fact: Whenever I used to type the word "pantyhose," a wave of perversion would wash over my aura like a shame-soaked tsunami. But nowadays I can type "pantyhose" with a buttery ease.

Isn't that interesting?

(It's on the cusp of being interesting. Meaning, it's sort of interesting)

Anyway, Molly seems to be having fun... you know, with the semi-naked writhing and all.

It's like a peep show loop from 1969/1970. But with delusions of artfulness.

Word on the street is that Molly was paid in burritos to be in this film.

One burrito at the beginning of filming, another burrito upon completion.   

Truth be told, I spent the bulk of the film trying to imagine how severe Molly's future hysterectomy scar is going to be.

Sunday, February 10, 2019

Runaway (Usama Alshaibi, 2008)

A young naked woman dances sheepishly in the dark to dark ambient music (with Del Shannon undertones).

A light shines on her occasionally.

This light seems to make her even more sheepish.

The film is called Runaway... and I guess the sheepish dancer at the center of it is trapped in some kind of shadowy nightmare world. I'm also guessing that the people in charge of this nightmare world are forcing her to perform in order to foster the sexual arousal of total strangers.

Friday, February 8, 2019

Patient (Usama Alshaibi, 2008)

Naked woman? ✅

Naked woman wearing a bandage? ✅

Writhing? ✅

Couch? ✅

Torn black knee-high stockings? ✅

Bongo music? ✅

A shot of the sky to increase the profundity factor? ✅

🐌🐌🐌🐌 I think that covers everything 🐌🐌🐌🐌