Hard Hunted (Andy Sidaris, 1992)

If I saw Becky Mullen walking down the street, I would approach her--in, of course, the most sheepish manner possible--and tell her that she single-handedly restored my faith in Andy Sidaris, the writer-director of such classics as Picasso Trigger, Savage Beach and Guns. And let's say I did have the opportunity to speak with her, I think our encounter would have gone a little something like this: (Yum-Yum): Hey, Becky! (Becky): ??? (Yum-Yum): Becky! (Becky): ??? (Yum-Yum): Becky! (Becky): Get away from me, creep. (Yum-Yum): I will in a second, I just wanted to tell you that your performance in Hard Hunted was amazing. No, scratch that, it was...spectacular. Yes, it was spectacular! (Becky): Hard what? (Yum-Yum): You remember, Hard Hunted. You play Becky, the plucky intern/hot tub enthusiast at KSXY. (Becky): Oh, yeah. Don't I just stand around in a red bikini pouring coffee for most of that movie? (Yum-Yum): It's true, you do stand around a lot, and you do seem to pour a lot of coffee. But the way did both was so compelling, that I stripped down to my bra and panties and started to rock back and forth in the foetel position every time you appeared onscreen. (Becky): Is that a good thing? (Yum-Yum): I don't know, you tell me. (Becky): I'd rather not. (Yum-Yum): Yeah, it's probably better if you didn't. Either way, you ruled in this movie. (Becky): Thanks. (Yum-Yum): So, you wanna go get some beef jerky, maybe rent a Pauly Shore movie? I hear Son-in-Law is a real hoot. (Becky): Nah, I gotta go lance a boil. Maybe some other time. (Yum-Yum): Bye, Becky from Hard Hunted. You not only restored my faith in Andy Sidaris, but my faith in humanity. (Becky): Um, okay. Bye.

Why is Becky Mullen lancing boils, you ask? Well, in my world, Becky gave up acting/bikini modeling in the mid-90s to become a dermatologist who specializes in lancing boils. Anyway, after the debacle that was Do or Die, me and Andy Sidaris weren't exactly on speaking terms. After taking a bit of self-imposed Andy Sidaris sabbatical, I began to eyeball The Andy Sidaris Collection once again. Determined not to have a  repeat of what happened the last time I sat down to watch an Andy Sidaris film, I approached the next film on the docket with just right amount of caution.

My trepidation melted away almost immediately, as Andy Sidaris gives us two sexy babes in black stockings right out of the gate. However, the film is technically a continuation of what occurred in Do or Die. Meaning, secret agents Donna Hamilton (Dona Speir) and Nicole Justin (Roberta Vasquez) are still on the trail of a super-villain named Kane. The only difference being Kane is now played by Geoffrey Moore and the film takes place almost exclusively in Hawaii and Lake Havasu City. If you remember correctly, most of Do or Die was shot in the swamps of Louisiana. Don't get me wrong, I love the swamp, it's just not that conducive to bikini-clad action sequences.

On a yacht located somewhere off the coast of Hawaii, Silk (Carolyn Liu) and Mika (Mika Quintard) are busy putting on a lesbian lingerie show for the crotch-based benefit of their boss Kane, a man whose thirst for power and riches is almost as great as his thirst for hot chicks in black stockings. Excited to finally get his hands on a jade Buddha figurine, one that contains the trigger to a nuclear bomb, Kane is on well his way to getting the power and riches he desires so thirstily. (I don't know, he seems pretty powerful and rich already.) Yeah, but they always end up wanting more.

The only problem with Kane's plan is that Silk and Mika are both in cahoots with the federal government. That's right, they're spies. While Silk is deep undercover, Mika is only mildly so. Which means, it's up to Mika to steal the jade Buddha from Kane. With the help of a windsurfer named Cole (Buzzy Kerbox), Mika manages to get jade Buddha away from Kane.

Meanwhile, over in Molokai, Edy Stark (Cynthia Brimhall) is back doing what she does best: singing cheesy pop songs for braindead tourists.

Arriving at Edy's with a leggy authority, Ava (Ava Cadell) gets out of her yellow jeep, plants her left leg on the pavement with a ton of gusto, and proceeds to make her way to KSXY studios, a radio station located near of back of Edy's. I don't know 'bout you, but it was weird seeing someone so large-breasted act so leggy. At any rate, removing her leopard print sarong, to reveal a leopard print bikini, Ava, despite being born in Hungary, grabs the mic and starts uttering English words with a breathtaking ease. Am I crazy, or is Ava Cadell's command of the English language far greater than everyone else who appears in this film?

I hope you don't mind, but I just did a little research on Ava Cadell, and it says that she attended school in England and is the author of at least seven books. Hot damn! I knew there was something more to Ava Cadell than just her giant tits. You can tell just by listening to the way she talks that she's got a lot going on when it comes to thinking thoughts and junk.

On the opposite end of the thinking spectrum, there's Becky Mullen. Wait, that didn't come out right. She might think thoughts, but she doesn't exactly get a chance to think all that much in Hard Hunted. Nevertheless, Becky Mullen plays Becky, the, according to Shane Abilene (Michael J. Shane), "outrageously gorgeous," agent in training who spends most of the movie getting Ava coffee in a red bikini.

Don't forget, Becky shoots three beer cans off a fence using Shane's .44 magnum, gets a fax, and hoses down a radio antenna. Oh, yeah, she totally does those things.

I might get around to explaining why Becky needed to hose down the KSXY radio antenna or I might not. Let's see how the next few paragraphs go first, shall we?

If you're wondering where Mika's headed with the jade Buddha, she's been instructed by Ava and Edy to meet up with Donna Hamilton and Nicole Justin, whose buttcracks are currently being strangled by something called a "thong" in the wilds of Arizona. I know, skimpy swimwear and Arizona aren't exactly a natural fit--and judging by the way they're going to town on their respective buttcracks, neither are the thongs--but just go with it.

Do you think Kane is going to sit idly by and let some double-crossing bimbo steal his jade Buddha? Think again. Kane sicks Al Leong's Raven and his super-cool gyro on her ass.

You know how I was surprised by the sharpness of Ava Cadell's brain? Well, I wasn't surprised at all by Al Leong and his ability to rule. And believe me, Al Leong rules so hard in this movie, it's not even funny.

Okay, I'm think ready to explain why Becky was asked to hose down the KSXY radio antenna. Apparently water helps strengthen the antenna's signal. That seems plausible. And the reason it needed strengthening was because Ava was trying to relay a message to Donna, who was being held captive by Pico (Rodrigo Obregón), the eye-patch-sporting leader of a gang of smugglers. Only problem being, Donna has amnesia. (Oh, no. Does that mean Dona Speir is going to try to act?) I'm afraid so. And get this, Roberta Vasquez tries to act as well. (Oh, the humanity.)

Luckily, Chu Chu Malave and Richard Cansino show up just in time to negate Dona and Roberta's feeble attempt to stretch their acting muscles (they should stick to doing what they do best, and that is, nothing). Playing, what else, bumbling assassins, Chu Chu (Wiley) and Richard (Coyote) are hired by Kane to kill Edy and Lucas (Tony Peck, who has replaced William Bumiller as the head honcho). Using their ACME Hovercraft A33Z, Chu Chu and Richard, while not dressed in drag like they were in Guns, bring some much needed intentional comic relief to the proceedings, as their hit on Edy and Lucas doesn't exactly go as planned.

(What do you mean, "doesn't exactly go as planned"?) Well, let's just say, Lucas is a master fisherman and Edy has a nasty surprise lurking underneath her sarong.

In a rare misstep, Andy Sidaris' decision to include a love scene right smack-dab in the middle of the film's explosive finale was ill-conceived, as it ruined the flow of the movie. Actually, I think he might have included two love scenes during the explosive finale. Either way, they took me out of picture. Nevertheless, Hard Hunted is a definite improvement over the tepid Do or Die, as it contains all the ingredients I look for in an Andy Sidaris film. Now, if you'll excuse, I gotta go see Becky Mullen about getting a boil lanced.

Savage Beach (Andy Sidaris, 1989)

When I finished watching Savage Beach, the sort of sequel to Hard Ticket to Hawaii–sort of, in that, they both take place in the same dew-laden universe and even feature some of the same characters–I briefly flirted with the idea of copying what I wrote about Hard Ticket to Hawaii and simply passing it off as a review for Savage Beach. Of course, I would change a few minor details here and there. But for all intents and purposes, it would be the exact same review. Then it dawned on me. Not only would that be unfair to Hope Marie Carlton (Slumber Party Massacre III), Dona Speir, and writer-director Andy Sidaris, it would also be unfair to my millions of fans out there. I know what you're thinking: Millions?!? Don't you mean billions? Oh, you weren't thinking that. Then what were you thinking? Never mind. It's funny you should bring up the whole copying thing, as there are plenty of moments in this film that caused me to think: I can't write yet another nonsensical word collage about Hope Marie Carlton's cuteness, I need something else. Actually, my saviour shows up immediately in the form of a leggy redhead, one that provided me with all the necessary visual nourishment I require to be able to get through this khaki-short saturated exercise pretty much unscathed. Now, I promise to expand on my feelings toward this so-called "leggy redhead." But in the meantime, let's talk about Magnum P.I., or I should say, let's talk about how this film is basically a ninety minute episode of Magnum, P.I. It's true, this film features more naked breasts than your average episode of Magnum, P.I.; in fact, I don't remember seeing any naked breasts on Magnum, P.I. However, neither does this film. Sure, it's got naked breasts, but they're mostly shot from the side. You mean? Yep, side-boob. Even when they are filmed from the front, their usually obscured by fizzy hot tub water.  Obscured by fizzy hot tub water? That's a bloody outrage. Actually, it didn't bother me at all.
 

 

Getting back to Magnum, P.I. for a second, didn't that show have an episode where they come across a remote island where a Japanese soldier believes the war is still going on? I know, I could easily get to the bottom of this by doing some research. But people who don't get paid to wax poetically about leggy redheads don't do research. And besides, I'm going with my gut on this one, and my gut tells me that Magnum, P.I. did a Japanese soldier still fighting World War II thirty-five years after the war ended episode. Even though I'm probably thinking about an episode of Gilligan's Island.
 

 

Judging by the all this talk about Japanese holdouts, I think it's safe to say that's exactly what the plot of Savage Beach entails. Aren't we perceptive. Yes, there's a Japanese holdout. Yet, the film is more about greed, honour, and leggy redheads than anything else. You see, there's this box filled with stolen Filipino gold, and a dying Japanese navel officer has decided the time has come to reveal its location. Well, sort of. He has a general idea where it could be. In other words, the actual location is still a mystery.
 

 

You know what means? There's going to be a lot of nefarious characters coming out of the woodwork who will want to get their grubby little hands that gold. And who's more nefarious than Al Leong? Al who? The balding Asian guy with the long Fu Manchu mustache who's in every American action movie from the 1980s. Okay, maybe he's not in even American action movie. But he's in Big Trouble in Little China and Die Hard (he's the pseudo terrorist who helps himself to a pre-shootout candy bar), and that's plenty in my book. Either way, he plays Fu, yeah, that's right, Fu, a freelance scumbag with a severe hankering from some buried treasure.
 

 

You know who else is nefarious? The guy representing the government of The Philippines, that's who. Now, I don't want to question the hiring practices of government of The Philippines, but are you sure you want Martinez (Rodrigo Obregón) representing you? I mean, I know The Philippines and Spain have historic ties with one another, but this guy doesn't look Filipino at all.
 

 

Actually, the fact that he doesn't look Filipino isn't what makes him so nefarious, it's the fact that he's a communist insurgent, and, most nefarious of all, his girlfriend looks like Teri Weigel. You wanna know why his girlfriend looks like Teri Weigel? It's because she is Teri Weigel. Oh, sure, she's playing character named Anjelica, but her temperament is pure, unadulterated Teri Weigel.
 

 

Add Captain Andreas (John Aprea) of the U.S. Navy, and a blonde C.I.A. agent, Bruce Christian (Bruce Penhall), to the mix, and you got yourself quite a diverse group of treasure hunters.
 

 

How Donna (Don Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton), federal agents posing as employees of Molokai Cargo, fit into this convoluted game of international intrigue isn't clear yet.
 

 

In meantime, Donna and Taryn are about to the bust up a heroin smuggling ring (the bastards are using hollowed out pineapples to transport their illicit product).
 

 

You mean to tell me that two blonde women in khaki shorts are going to put a gang of drug dealers out of business all by themselves? 'Cause, if that what you're telling me, I'm out of here. Don't be silly. They have back up. And it comes in the form of a leggy redhead named Rocky (Lisa London), the tallest, most exquisite leggy redhead on all of Molokai.
 

 

Shouldn't you mention that Rocky has a brunette partner? Yeah, yeah, Rocky is paired with some chick in pink bicycle shorts named Pattycakes (Patty Duffek), I know, what a stupid name. But let's stop beating around the bush and talk about Rocky, shall we?
 

 

Arriving at the warehouse that's suspected of being the nerve centre of the drug dealer's operation on motorscooters, Rocky, and her friend, Pattycakes, flirt with the two guards standing outside the entrance.
 

 

The plan is to use Rocky's lengthy gams, which are sheathed in red and black striped tights (don't worry, she's wearing a matching top), to distract them so that Donna and Taryn can more easily sneak inside.
 

 

On top of using her lanky figure, Rocky charms them with her droll wit and the promise of free mai-tais.
 

 

Pairing up with a guard each, Rocky and Pattycakes continue to keep the guards busy. When, all of a sudden, gun fire can be heard coming from inside the warehouse. Grabbing her badge, which she had tucked away (I won't say where), Rocky tells the guard she was flirting with that he's under arrest.
 

 

Is Rocky the kind of gal who is just gonna lie there and feel sorry for herself after you push her to the ground? Um, I don't think so.
 

 

Pulling out of her gun, which she also had tucked away (I won't say where), Rocky gets back on her feet, which are being supported by a saucy pair of black pumps, and proceeds to lend a helping hand to Pattycakes, who's currently being manhandled by the guard she was flirting with.
 

 

When Rocky points a gun at you, where on your body do you think she like to aim? If you said, the crotch, you would be correct.
 

 

To celebrate yet another successful bust, Donna, Taryn, Pattycakes, and Rocky all take a soak together in a hot tub. If you thought that was awesome, which I didn't, by the way (topless hot tub parties are so passé), you probably won't appreciate the scene where Rocky, who has since changed into a reddish mini-dress, gets an automatic breadmaker delivered to her restaurant; which, of course, is called Rocky's. Now, you could say ending a film with the delivery of a breadmaker is a risky move, but it perfectly encapsulated the wonky appeal of this here motion picture.
 

 

Just a second, I've been handed a note. What the... it says here that the film is not even close to being over. In fact, there's apparently more than an hour still to go. Well, that's just great. And as I was coming to this realization, Donna and Shane Abilene (Michael Shane), a fellow pilot, are about to engage in some of the most cringe-worthy dialogue I have ever heard; they, to sort of quote Bon Jovi, "give double entendres a bad name."
 

 

Anyway, while delivering a serum, one that will help a bunch of needy children, to a hospital on the Marshall Islands, Donna and Taryn are caught in a nasty storm. Forced to crash land on a remote island in the middle of the Pacific, Donna and Taryn inexplicably find themselves caught in the middle of a desperate hunt to find a box of filled with gold bars. If that wasn't enough, the gold is being guarded by a Japanese holdout (Michael Mikasa), who, of course, killed Taryn's grandfather while he was surfing there in 1940s. I'm not making this shit up.
 

 

In-between the poorly-staged action sequences (the kung-fu fights are piss poor in terms of choreography) and the hokey dialogue scenes, Teri Weigel, of all people, manages to make the film interesting as a sexy communist. Sure, she engages in two saxophone accompanied sex scenes with Rodrigo Obregón's Martinez (one in a hotel bed and one in the backseat of a car), but it was her delivery of the line, "My ideology means far more to me than fame and adulation. The good of the party is my reward," that impressed me the most. Truth be told, it's probably the best line in the entire movie. I also liked the manner in which she stood while standing on a boat, as her posture oozed confidence. And the black bra/top she wore while standing on a boat was pretty cool as well, especially all those the shiny metallic thingies that covered it; très Rhythm Nation.
 

 

When the time comes for us to find out why the beach is so savage, I'm afraid to say that my interest in this film had long since waned.  And it's no wonder. I mean, with Lisa London's Rocky languishing in Molokai and Teri Weigel relegated to looking fashionably fierce while standing on boats, there's nothing much to latch onto in this film once the action moves to the [savage] island. Oh, and, make sure, if you do manage to make it all the way to the end, to check out the final scene. The super-tight orange two piece outfit Hope Marie Carlton is wearing will cause you sock garters to burst into flames. I know, Hope's orange getup doesn't quite make up for all the lameness that proceeded its appearance, but it does alleviate some of the pain. Lick.

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