976-EVIL 2 (Jim Wynorski, 1992)

A lot of people have this misguided notion that the 1980s ended when the calendar flipped over to 1990. However, as 976-EVIL 2 (a.k.a. 976-EVIL 2: The Astral Factor) constantly points out, the spirit of the 1980s burned bright well into the '90s. The idea that the cultural temperament of a particular era changes overnight is ridiculous. Maybe in a 100 years these differences will seem unimportant. But to those of us who lived through these linear chunks of time, the differences are crucial to understanding who we are and where we stand in the world. I mean, for many of us, the instant women stopped using hairspray was a watershed moment. Yet, hairspray usage among women did not cease come January 1, 1990, and the wonderfully diminutive Debbie James in this Jim Wynorski-directed sequel to a movie that wasn't that great to begin with is proof of this. Even though her so-called "big hair" is mostly realized by sporting crispy bangs and employing scrunchies in a manner that help facilitate the illusion of follicle aggrandizement, there's still enough product in her hair to start a small brush fire.

You could say Debbie's hair is stuck in the '80s. But, if you think about it, she's just continuing to ride the style waves that were laid by her bimbo fore-mothers in the early days of the fingerless glove decade. It's true, the style wave eventually petered out. That being said, some people continued to ride this wave well into '90s.

Even so, big hair was finally killed the first time a woman entered a hair salon and asked for "The Rachel," the bouncy, square layered hairstyle Jennifer Aniston wore in the first couple of seasons of Friends. I hope you're happy, Jennifer Aniston, or, I should say, Jennifer Aniston's hairdresser, you murdered the 1980s. Granted, the decade, in terms of being a cultural force, was already on its last legs, but you put the final nail in the coffin.

Wow, judging by what I've typed so far, you wouldn't know this was a review for 976-EVIL 2. But trust me, it totally is.

In a surprise twist, I'm not going on and on about Debbie's hair because the movie is lacking in the not being lame department. Get this, the film is actually pretty good. No, no, no, here me out. Sure, the film is a sequel to the Robert Englund-directed horror flick about about a killer psychic hotline (one that prompts you to dial '666'), but I thought part two was kinda clever in places.

Am I crazy, or does Karen Mayo-Chandler's t-shirt get more skimpy as the opening scene progresses? Anyway, after taking a swim, college co-ed, Laurie Glazer (Karen Mayo-Chandler, Stripped to Kill II: Live Girls), is creeped out by weird noises while showering. Since investigating "weird noises" in a skimpy t-shirt and a towel is a tad awkward, Laurie slips on a pair of white panties.

No ordinary pair of white panties, mind you, Laurie's white panties are lacy in the back and smooth as satin in the front.

Once the white panties are pulled up as far as they will go, Mr. Grubeck (René Assa) decides to reveal himself to Laurie as the one responsible for making the weird noises. As expected, Laurie is freaked out by Mr. Grubeck's sudden appearance, and like any sane person, makes a run for it.

Finding nothing but locked doors during her initial scamper, Laurie stumbles onto the set of Faust in the school's auditorium. At first, I wanted to say that Mr. Grubeck kills Laurie using one of them pointy cave thingies. But I soon discovered that they're actually called stalagmites. Isn't that strange? Nonetheless, as opening scenes go, the one that opens 976-EVIL 2 is not bad.

The opening credits and post-opening credits scene isn't too bad either, as it features the always amazing music of Chuck Cirino (Chopping Mall) and a brief appearance by Sigal Diamant, who plays the world's cutest biker bar bartender.

Arriving at said biker bar, the Mad Dog Inn, Spike (Patrick O'Bryan), who you might remember from the first film (he got to feel up Lezlie Deane's stocking encased legs), takes a seat at bar and orders a beer and some fries. After watching a news report on the bar's television detailing the gruesome events that befell Laurie in Slate River, the bar's pay phone starts to ring in that rather ominous fashion they tend to do in these movies.

Since no-one else can apparently hear the phone (the cute biker bar bartender says, "What phone?", in response to his query, "Isn't anyone gonna answer that phone?"), Spike reluctantly answers it. And wouldn't you know it, the first thing he hears is a sinister voice say: "Out of the darkness and into the light..." That's right, Spike may have survived the events from the first film, but he's still tormented by that damned psychic hotline.

Meanwhile, in Slate River, a shapely blonde with a sweet ass is about to discover her college professor is a deranged serial killer. Heading down to police headquarters to visit her police shrink father, Robin Jamison (Debbie James) bumps into–you guessed it–Mr. Grubeck, who was arrested thanks to a tip from a witness; Buck Flower was in the auditorium when Laurie Glazer was killed with a stalagmite.

Wearing a sleeveless doily-esque top with a pair of jean shorts covered in doily-esque flourishes, Robin is too adorable for words.

When Robin bumps into Mr. Grubeck, he must have imparted psychic powers onto her, as she can now see into the future.

The last thing you want to do is give Mr. Grubeck access to a telephone, but that's exactly what the Slate River cops end up doing. Calling "976-EVIL" without fail, Mr. Grubeck is granted the power to astral project. Meaning, he can continue murdering people, yet stay in his jail cell at the same time.

Did anyone else get a mild rash on their taint when Spike says to Robin that the fries at Cadillac Jacks (a cool local diner) are "not as tasty as the company"? Just me, eh? At any rate, Spike and Robin (who is wearing a pink top with black spandex exercise tights (with colourful flourishes down the side), team up to fight evil... or some bullshit like that.

Of course, Robin still needs a little more convincing, as she has her doubts that a locked up Mr. Grubeck is killing people thanks to a demonic psychic hotline.

What is it with Robin and her obsession with doily-based clothing? The top she wears while wandering around campus looks like something an old lady might cover her dinning room table with when not in use.

Not accustomed to seeing her fully clothed, Monique Gabrielle (Evil Toons) shows up as Susan Lawlor, the buttoned up prosecutor in charge of bringing charges against Mr. Grubeck. She's only in two scenes, but the sight of her in her lawyerin' clothes and the car scene should satisfy fans of the bosomy actress. The latter scene features several cutaways of her nylon ensnared feet struggling to press on the breaks and some impressive stunk work (I think).

An equally fully clothed Brigitte Nielsen (Chained Heat II) also makes an appearance as the gothy owner of Lucifer's, an occult bookstore. However, unlike Monique Gabrielle, Brigitte's part is merely a cameo... so, don't get too excited.

In terms of rating the many looks Robin sports in this film, my favourite has to be the pink belly-revealing top/jeans combination she wears throughout the film's final third (white belt, ftw).

You would think a film that has everything I just mentioned would eventually run out of steam. Think again, as 976-EVIL 2 saves the best for last. Exhausted after a long day of battling the forces of darkness, Robin decides to unwind by watching a movie with her pal Paula (Leslie Ryan). Unfortunately, Paula wants to watch Night of the Living Dead; Robin would prefer if they watched It's a Wonderful Life.

After flipping back and forth between the two films for a few minutes, Robin finally gives up and goes to the kitchen to get popcorn. Sitting on the couch in her 90s-friendly attire (unlike Robin, Paula's style oozes the 1990s), Paula is suddenly zapped into the television and finds herself on the set of It's a Wonderful Life during the "Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings" scene.

The way Jim Wynorski and his team managed to make it appear as if Paula was in It's a Wonderful Life was shockingly adept. Seriously, it was seamless. To make things even more awesome, the scene is combined with Night of the Living Dead.

It's true, both films were, at the time at least, public domain, so it made sense for budget conscience filmmakers to use them in this manner. But still, the way the effect was executed was first-rate. It's too bad the entire film couldn't have been at this level of craftsmanship.

American Cyborg: Steel Warrior (Boaz Davidson, 1993)

They say the eyes are the window to the soul. Yeah, but they didn't say anything about these soul-baring windows being bay windows, now did they? Just to make sure that my analogy made sense, I looked up "bay window" utilizing the latest technology about five minutes ago. And it would seem that I was absolutely right to use that term the way I did. That's because Nicole Hansen's eyes are like bay windows. In that they project outward from their ocular housing, much like a bay window projects outward from the walls of a building. Now, I wouldn't say Nicole's giant eyes were the best thing about American Cyborg: Steel Warrior, but they were... Wait a second, why wouldn't I say that? I mean, think about it. Sure, the lingerie-clad thugs who harass our ophthalmically abundant heroine are pretty awesome and the fact that the male lead seemed to base his entire look on Daniel Day-Lewis' character from The Last of the Mohicans is on the cusp of being noteworthy as well, but nothing beats the excessive girth of Nicole Hansen's whirlpool-esque peepers.

Judging by the way you're looking at me, you're probably think to yourself: There's no way this glorified mental case could possibly have anything else to say about Nicole Hansen's saucer-shaped eyeballs in regard to this movie, one that has the distinction of being the last produced by The Cannon Group Inc.

Oh, can't I, eh?

Um, you know what? I think you might be right, I don't have anything else to say. But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop referring Nicole Hansen and her large, expressive eyes every now and then. And why would I? Take away Nicole's humongous eye holes, and this movie, directed by Boaz Davidson (The Last American Virgin), would simply be a somewhat decent Charleston, South Carolina* set post-apocalyptic thrill ride.

However, it would seem that John Saint Ryan's balding cyborg character doesn't agree with me at all, as he spends the entire movie trying his best to close her eyes, or at least diminish their inherent twinkle.

Created by the computers who have taken over sizable chunks of the world (which has been ravished by nuclear war), the cyborg is ordered to "terminate" a woman named Mary (Nicole Hansen) with extreme prejudice. Of course, they don't want her dead because they're jealous of her ability to make hunky rebels and discerning lesbians fall in love with her by simply–you guessed it–batting her fan-like eyelashes at them, they want her dead because she's the only woman on earth with the reproductive fortitude to create human offspring.

You see, the computers want humanity to die off. And in order to expedite this process, they force them to live out their final days in a ruthless totalitarian police state ruled by cyborgs.

Since the film's budget won't allow for shots of human skulls being crushed by robot tank treads, we're given instead a rusty South Carolina license plate and the sound of thunder. Nevertheless, one of the enforcers of this new world order, an unnamed cyborg played by John Saint Ryan, has just received orders (from one of the cyborg information kiosks sprinkled throughout the city) to eliminate the rebels.

Hiding in their subterranean head quarters, the members of the rebellion seem to be buzzing with excitement. And why wouldn't they be? Tonight's the night they transport Mary and her baby (which is kept in a jar) to the port in order to rendezvous with a group of Europeans, who will whisk them across the pond to safety; get this, in this universe, Europe is the bastion of liberty, not the United States of America.

Anyway, with 37 hours to get across hostile territory, the group synchronize their watches and are each given a baggy filled with "RZB", an anti-radiation drug. Unfortunately, just as they're about to leave, a cyborg with a receding hairline bursts into their underground lair and starts shooting at them with his machine gun.

This may sound a tad harsh, but I'm glad the rebels were wiped out. Just for the record: My glad tidings have nothing to do with being a fan of "The System" (remember citizens, "The System is your friend"), but because the prospect of having to remember all their names was rather daunting.

Luckily for me, only Mary and her foetus under glass managed to survive the cyborg onslaught. On the down side, the cyborg will stop at nothing until Mary's dead and he's scraping her foetus off the wheels of his car. I know, the cyborg doesn't drive a car, I'm speaking metaphorically.

To make matters worse, Mary and her foetus must contend with lingerie clad thugs. At first I was like, these guys look like they raided the closet of a dedicated fan of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. But then I saw their leader and said, fuck that, these guys were obviously influenced by Frank Doubleday's Romero from Escape from New York.

It's no secret, but if I was going to write a review of Escape from New York, the bulk of my attention would be focused on Frank Doubleday's Romero, as his bizarre mannerisms are the best thing about that movie.

Just as Mary is about to get rolled by these lingerie-wearing dandies, a guy named Austin (Joe Lara) steps in to give her hand. Making short work of them, Austin rejects Mary's post-dandy beat-down request to escort her to the port and takes off. It would seem that Austin wasn't helping Mary out of the kindness of his heart, he actually had a score to settle with the cross-dressing wrongdoers.

Since there would be no movie if Austin didn't assist Mary in her quest, they eventually team up. Though, you'll notice that Mary doesn't tell Austin she's carrying a foetus in her backpack. In fact, she straight up lies to him; she promises to give him all RZB tablets he can carry when they arrive at the port.

At this point, American Cyborg: Steel Warrior can be broken down into two simple modes: #1 - Fighting the cyborg. And #2 - Running from the cyborg. Actually, I'd like to add a third mode to the mix, if that's all right. And that is: #3 - Recuperating from modes one and two. Given that Austin and Mary inflict major damage on the cyborg every time they encounter him, this allows them to recuperate. It also enables them to get to know one another better.

While Mary manages to keep the truth under wraps (Austin still has no idea she has a foetus in her backpack), it would seem that both are guarding secrets. The only difference being, Austin has no idea he's guarding one as well.

Someone better give the leader of the radioactive cannibals a mint, because he's about to have foetus on his breath.

You're probably wondering, how did Mary manage to be taken prisoner by a gang of radioactive cannibals with Austin at her side? Well, let's just say, Austin doesn't react well when he finds out the truth. Even though Mary tries her best to explain the importance of her mission (the future of humanity is at stake), Austin nonetheless feels betrayed, and runs off in a huff.

Will Mary and Austin be able to put aside their differences in time in order to save the human race from extinction? I guess. Either way, I found the film's straight-forward, no-nonsense approach to dishing out cyberpunk thrills and spills to be quite refreshing. Other than the wide-eyed Mary, the musclebound Austin, the ruthless cyborg killing machine, and few minor characters here and there (Helen Lesnick plays "Carp," Austin's on again and off again lesbian sidekick), the film isn't stuffed with extraneous filler. No, American Cyborg: Steel Warrior is a lean, mean, cyborg ass-kicking killing machine. Oh, and the music score by Blake Leyh rocks, or, I should say, it synths. 

* The film was shot in an abandoned tractor factory near Tel Aviv.

The Bondage Master (Hitoshi Hoshino, 1996)

The ropes press tightly into your flesh as you lay sprawled out on the table like a piece of meat. You try to break free, but the more you struggle, the tighter the ropes become. Suddenly, midway through your ordeal, you notice something strange is starting to happen. The discomfort you initially felt has been replaced with pleasure. And not just any kind of pleasure, we're talking exceedingly damp panties and a shitload of sensual lip biting up this poorly ventilated dojo. Oh, and don't worry, you haven't turned into a pervert. No, the reason you're experiencing pleasure, as supposed to pain and suffering, is because your ropes were tied by a master. You could call him, "The Bondage Master." And, you know what? Let's call him that, as the film I'm currently writing about is called, The Bondage Master (a.k.a. "The Rope Detective"). At first I was like: Women don't like to be tied up. At least not the ones I see hanging out outside The Knit Cafe. However, after listening to Shiro (Yukijirō Hotaru), "The Bondage Master," explain the benefits of being tied up with ropes that have been tied by him to an inexperienced bondage model, I thought to myself: Maybe ropes are the key to happiness.

Think about it, how long can a loved one hold on to you? Five, maybe ten seconds? Sure, during my extensive travels, I've seen some hugs that have lasted longer than ten seconds. But let's get real, people, hugs are fleeting. Well, if you've been tied up with ropes that have been tied by "The Bondage Master," you will feel like you're constantly being hugged by a loved one.

Some of you are probably thinking to yourself: I can tie a knot, why can't I be a "Bondage Master"? First off, I never said you couldn't be a "Bondage Master." And secondly, you're actually right, though, you can't be a "Bondage Master," as there is only one "Bondage Master."

Seriously, no one, and I mean, no one, ties up hot chicks in white pantyhose the way "The Bondage Master" does.

Now, I don't know where exactly "The Bondage Master" learned to tie up women the way he does, but I do know this: When a Yakuza-affiliated gang called "The Blue Dragons" learn the woman who stole a ton of cocaine from them was last seen with "The Bondage Master," he's going to have a lot of explaining to do.

How many of you think "The Bondage Master" is going to be unable to explain his way out this mess and be forced to employ his rope-tying skills to get himself out of the plethora of Yakuza-affiliated sticky/pickle-adjacent situations he's placed in throughout this movie?

In an ironic twist, the woman in question, a bondage performer named Saya (Hitomi Shiraishi), was actually last seen with a wannabe "Bondage Master," not the real "Bondage Master." I know I said that no one ties up hot chicks in white pantyhose the way "The Bondage Master" does, but that doesn't stop imitators from trying.

"I like the way you tie me up," coos Saya, as Shiro puts the finishing touches on the knot currently pressing tightly against her back. Tied to a chair in a nurses uniform (complete with white pantyhose), Saya is photographed, while the photographer's assistant, Hitoshi (Hiromitsu Noriyasu), takes note of Shiro's bondage techniques. Desperate to become a bondage master, Hitoshi pleads with Shiro to show him the... Oh my God, I almost said, "show him the ropes." How hilarious is that? What's that? It's not that hilarious. Huh.

When she's not being photographed while tied up with ropes, Saya spends most of her time running from Yakuza thugs. On the other hand, Hitoshi can usually be found wandering the streets while wearing a sandwich board. I don't read Japanese, but I'm guessing the sign he's wearing contains an offer for women to earn up to 100,000 Yen if they agree to pose for bondage-related photographs. It doesn't matter in the end, as Hitoshi verbalizes this offer to a cutie with her hair pressed back by a headband. Unfortunately, she declines his offer; man, I would have loved to have seen her tied up.

And I don't mean that in a perverted way. I know, what other way can I mean then? But as we learn in the next scene, bondage can help alleviate menstrual cramps, headaches, toothaches and backaches. I was just as shocked as you are when I found out that not only can bondage be used for medicinal purposes, but that "The Bondage Master" is a nice guy.

Like most people, the act of seeing Shiro staring menacingly on the film's poster lead me to believe that his character was going to be a real sick fuck. Of course, as the film progressed, I soon discovered that the opposite is true. He views bondage as an art form, not some niche fetish.

On top of kinky photo shoots, Shiro also works at The Black Lizard Club, a–you guessed it–bondage lounge; think of it as Café Flesh for the S+M set. Sharing the stage with a leggy dominatrix named "Boss" (Yokiru Ikuta), Shiro's knot skills wow the audience as he ties up a woman in–you guessed it again–white pantyhose.

After the show, Shiro rescues a woman named Keiko (Ai Yasunaga) from a gang of unruly teens. It turns out that Keiko is Saya's sister, and she's been cruising the bondage scene looking for her. More than happy to help out, Shiro tells Keiko that he'll keep an eye out for her.

If you thought that was gentlemanly, you should check out the scene where Shiro uses his rope skills to retrieve a toy plane for a bunch of kids (it was stuck in a tree). I tell ya, it was refreshing to see a bondage enthusiast use his talents for something other than the advancement of his own orgasm.

Need more proof that Shiro isn't your average bondage master, look no further than the scene where he accompanies his Filipino prostitute pal to see her lawyer (she wants to get a work visa). It's true, Shiro was there to see his lawyer as well, but the fact he seems to go out of his way to help people blew my mind. The lawyer, by the way, was the "Boss." That's right, she's a leggy lawyer by day, leggy dominatrix by night.

He even eats at an independently run noodle stand! (no corporate noodle stands for this bondage master). So, let's recap, shall we? Shiro uses his bondage skills to help alleviate menstrual cramps and other ailments (mind you, he doesn't do it for free... bondage masters have bills to pay, too), he supports local businesses, convinces novice bondage models that being tied up is akin to being embraced by a lover, gets toy planes out of trees for little kids, accompanies Filipino prostitutes to see their lawyer, rescues damsels in distress, and... Uh, what else does this motherscratcher do? Oh, did I mention that he removes bullets from wounded Yakuza? No? Well, he does.

I'm telling you, if there wasn't so much bondage action, I would recommend that The Bondage Master be shown in schools, as it's a highly moral film. No foolin'.