Rubber's Lover (Shozin Fukui, 1996)

According to my exhaustive research, the cyberpunk genre is known for depicting a world where high tech collides with low tech. And while this particular film does meet some of that criteria (computers are used by degenerates), I would classify the overall aesthetic as steampunk. It's not really that big a deal. It's just that I see the word "cyberpunk" bandied about so much in correlation to Shozin Fukui's Rubber's Lover that I feel the need to point out that it's not really a cyberpunk movie. The film's fetishistic obsession with old technology practically oozes steampunk. Or, I should say, it literally oozes steampunk, as almost everything in this oozes something at one point or another. Gauges ooze, people ooze, it's one big ooze-fest. Get it, "ooze-fest," Ozzfest, the heavy metal festival tour... (I don't want to interrupt your flow, but I must commend you for not using the phrase, "what the fuck," or the equally obnoxious, "what did I just watch"? in your review.) Well, it's still early. But thanks, nonetheless. Now, where was I? Ah, yes, the film literally oozes steampunk. No matter what aesthetic it oozes, Rubber's Lover will, no doubt, test the patience of some viewers. Unfolding in a manner that is, let's just say, unorthodox, the film is pretty much ninety minutes of spastic twitching. My God, there's a lot of spastic twitching in this movie. However, you'd twitch too if you were repeatedly subjected to Digital Direct Drive (a.k.a. D.D.D.) and pumped full of ether whilst sheathed in rubber. And not only would you twitch, you would spew copious amounts of viscous liquids from every orifice possible.

If what I just described sounds in anyway appealing to you. Congratulations, you're this film's target audience. As for the rest of us, we could be in for a long ass ninety minutes.

Thankfully, there's a scene where Kiku's corporate pantyhose are torn asunder by a psychotic, muscle-bound scientist named Motomiya (Sosuke Saito). Wait, that didn't come out right. The scene is deplorable. It's just that I wasn't sure if Kiku's legs were adorned with nylons, and Motomiya's assault enabled me to properly assess what was going on with Kiku's shapely gams. And it's clear, judging by Motomiya's frenzied tearing motions, that he was clawing at her corporate pantyhose.

In a similar vein, Akari's white knee-high, garter-assisted stockings also served as a sort of tonic. Even though Akari (Mika Kunihiro) spends the bulk of the movie injecting Shimika (Norimizu Ameya) with industrial-strength ether, I was comforted by the fact that the lower portion of her legs were encased in white stockings.

What I'm doing right now is exactly what I recommend all you non-masochists out there do while watching this film. I know, you could simply not watch it. But you could use that logic when approaching every film in existence. I mean, why watch anything for that matter? What's the point? Unless it's Liquid Sky or How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, there's no real reason to bother with other movies.

As I was saying. What non-masochists need to do is focus on something that interests you. As you can tell, I've chosen to focus on the nylons worn by the film's two female characters, Kiku (Nao), an employee who works for some shadowy organization, and Akari, the assistant to a trio of demented scientists.

If, for some bizarre reason, nylons aren't your thing, you could try focusing on all the antiquated technology that appears throughout the film. Honestly, I have no idea what half the machines (all covered with knobs and switches) are supposed to do in this movie. But I'll admit, watching them overheat and spew smoke was kind of interesting.

The film's bondage aspect will definitely appeal to some viewers. Every scene seems to feature one character dominating another. And one of these characters (typically Shimika) is usually dressed in rubber... and wearing the latest in steampunk headgear (the shots of Shimika wearing these elaborate props are some the film's most indelible).

Speaking of headgear, I gotta add Akari's welding goggles to the list of things I liked about this movie. The way the Test Dept. vibe of her googles clashed with the Gothic Lolita temperament of her overall ensemble was quite alluring.

Despite all things I liked about this movie (the harsh industrial/techno score by Tanizaki Tetora is amazing), Rubber's Lover is still a bit of a chore to sit through. Basically ninety straight minutes of torture, the film is best suited to be played on a loop at a long closed industrial-goth nightclub. In other words, I cannot recommend it as the kind of movie you sit down and watch from start to finish... while sober.

Mosquito on the 10th Floor (Yôichi Sai, 1983)

Who would have thought that a casual stroll through the Sharp Store would lead to the world's most intense mid-life crisis. I know, there's no such thing as a "Sharp Store," or maybe there is (I really need to get out more). Anyway, you should have seen this place, it was crawling with Sharp products. Looking at the wide array of Sharp computers on display in the Sharp section of the unnamed electronics store, our middle-aged "hero" seems fascinated by the newfangled gizmos. Now, I wouldn't say the computer is the primary cause of his meltdown, but the protagonist of Mosquito on the 10th Floor (Jukkai no mosquito) probably shouldn't have purchased it, as it does nothing but exacerbate the situation. In the realm that is North America, the middle-aged man usually manifests his mid-life crisis by picking up an expensive sports car. Well, in Japan... Actually, I think sports cars are pretty universal as far as purchases go for those going through mid-life crises. However, since not everyone can afford a sports car, a Sharp MZ-700 (NEC PC8001) is the next best thing.

Oh, before I continue. Here are a couple of Japanese expressions you should definitely learn before immersing yourself in the world depicted in this film.

The first is "Kōban." Police kiosks (or " police boxes") that are located in the various neighbourhoods throughout Japan. Except, instead housing hundreds of cops, they contain no more than two police officers at a time.

The second expression is "Harajuku." Not really an expression,  Harajuku is a geographic area where young people wear cool clothes and dance to rock 'n' roll and other happening now sounds.

Up next is " Kyōtei," which basically means boat racing. Using speed boats (or "hydroplanes"), the racers zip around a small oval track. The sport is apparently very popular in Japan and the races are bet on.

And the final expression is, "Pinku Pansuto." You don't have to have the cunning mind of an artful linguist to figure out that "Pinku Pansuto" means pink pantyhose in Japanese. While the expression "Pinku Taitsu" is technically more apt (the pink pantyhose are actually pink tights), no one can deny their importance. In fact, take away the pinku taitsu, or whatever you want to call them, from this particular movie, and you'll be looking at one seriously despondent Yum-Yum.

It's true, Sharp products are most definitely browsed by a middle-aged Chiba Prefecture resident in the opening scene (you can relax now, the language lesson is over), but the electro sounds created by Katsuo Ono are the first thing that grabbed me in the debut film by Yôichi Sai. Prevalent throughout the movie, the film's electronic score is, simply put, amazing. Let me put this way, if this tale of a "low-level bureaucrat" starts to get you down, look away from the screen and crank up the volume, 'cause this soundtrack is smoking hot.

After receiving their morning inspection, we quickly discover that the man wandering the mall in the film's opening is a cop, or, to be more specific, he's the "box chief" at a nearby police box. Even though I've only watched him stand in that box for a few seconds, I can already tell that his job must be tedious.

When he's not standing in a box (which he has apparently done for the past twenty years), hanging out at a local karaoke bar (I don't think I need to explain the meaning of the word "karaoke"), or moping around his tenth floor apartment, you can usually find the box chief (Yûya Uchida) leering at the young people dancing in Harajuku.

It turns out the box chief isn't a pervert, he's just curious to see how his estranged daughter's doing (she likes to dance there). Nevertheless, the sight the box chief standing completely still while all those around him (thousands of people) are dancing wildly is one of the film's more indelible moments.

On top of having a career that is literally going nowhere (he fails the captain's exam yet again), the box chief's ex-wife is constantly nagging him for child support, and he has a serious gambling problem (he loves betting on speed boat racing). To rectify these problems, he decides to take out a few loans. This is a great idea, I thought to myself. I mean, with names like, Takefuji Loans, The Money Store and Generous Credit, what could possibly go wrong?

Blessed with an influx of free money, the box chief buys that Sharp computer he was eye-balling in the opening scene.

Dying to show someone his new toy, the box chief brings a punk chick in iridescent pink tights to his apartment to see it. Now, in case you're wondering how he managed to get the punk chick in iridescent  pink tights to come to his apartment, it's simple, really, he dragged her there. She thought he was bringing her to the police station (he caught her shoplifting a bottle of whiskey at the supermarket), but ended up forcing her to play computer bowling in his dingy apartment.

As expected, the calls from the loan outfits (some of them, by the way, are a tad on the shady side... I know, I was just as shocked as you were) start coming in. But that doesn't stop the box chief. If anything, it causes his behaviour to become even more self-destructive.

Suddenly, the speed boat racetrack becomes his second home; he starts excepting more booty calls from Keiko (Reiko Nakamura), a "hostess" at his favourite karaoke bar; and his work begins to suffer. And not only that, he starts getting into fights and he rapes a female colleague.

Unable to keep it together, the box chief finds himself suffocating under the weight of his responsibilities. Wow, if you were judge this film based on what I've written so far, you would think Mosquito on the 10th Floor was a real downer. It is, in a way. But it's also an excellent character study. Or better yet, a cautionary tale about growing old. Don't take life so seriously, and try to find a hobby... one that doesn't involve blowing all your money at the speed boat track.

The Bondage Master (Hitoshi Hoshino, 1996)

The ropes press tightly into your flesh as you lay sprawled out on the table like a piece of meat. You try to break free, but the more you struggle, the tighter the ropes become. Suddenly, midway through your ordeal, you notice something strange is starting to happen. The discomfort you initially felt has been replaced with pleasure. And not just any kind of pleasure, we're talking exceedingly damp panties and a shitload of sensual lip biting up this poorly ventilated dojo. Oh, and don't worry, you haven't turned into a pervert. No, the reason you're experiencing pleasure, as supposed to pain and suffering, is because your ropes were tied by a master. You could call him, "The Bondage Master." And, you know what? Let's call him that, as the film I'm currently writing about is called, The Bondage Master (a.k.a. "The Rope Detective"). At first I was like: Women don't like to be tied up. At least not the ones I see hanging out outside The Knit Cafe. However, after listening to Shiro (Yukijirō Hotaru), "The Bondage Master," explain the benefits of being tied up with ropes that have been tied by him to an inexperienced bondage model, I thought to myself: Maybe ropes are the key to happiness.

Think about it, how long can a loved one hold on to you? Five, maybe ten seconds? Sure, during my extensive travels, I've seen some hugs that have lasted longer than ten seconds. But let's get real, people, hugs are fleeting. Well, if you've been tied up with ropes that have been tied by "The Bondage Master," you will feel like you're constantly being hugged by a loved one.

Some of you are probably thinking to yourself: I can tie a knot, why can't I be a "Bondage Master"? First off, I never said you couldn't be a "Bondage Master." And secondly, you're actually right, though, you can't be a "Bondage Master," as there is only one "Bondage Master."

Seriously, no one, and I mean, no one, ties up hot chicks in white pantyhose the way "The Bondage Master" does.

Now, I don't know where exactly "The Bondage Master" learned to tie up women the way he does, but I do know this: When a Yakuza-affiliated gang called "The Blue Dragons" learn the woman who stole a ton of cocaine from them was last seen with "The Bondage Master," he's going to have a lot of explaining to do.

How many of you think "The Bondage Master" is going to be unable to explain his way out this mess and be forced to employ his rope-tying skills to get himself out of the plethora of Yakuza-affiliated sticky/pickle-adjacent situations he's placed in throughout this movie?

In an ironic twist, the woman in question, a bondage performer named Saya (Hitomi Shiraishi), was actually last seen with a wannabe "Bondage Master," not the real "Bondage Master." I know I said that no one ties up hot chicks in white pantyhose the way "The Bondage Master" does, but that doesn't stop imitators from trying.

"I like the way you tie me up," coos Saya, as Shiro puts the finishing touches on the knot currently pressing tightly against her back. Tied to a chair in a nurses uniform (complete with white pantyhose), Saya is photographed, while the photographer's assistant, Hitoshi (Hiromitsu Noriyasu), takes note of Shiro's bondage techniques. Desperate to become a bondage master, Hitoshi pleads with Shiro to show him the... Oh my God, I almost said, "show him the ropes." How hilarious is that? What's that? It's not that hilarious. Huh.

When she's not being photographed while tied up with ropes, Saya spends most of her time running from Yakuza thugs. On the other hand, Hitoshi can usually be found wandering the streets while wearing a sandwich board. I don't read Japanese, but I'm guessing the sign he's wearing contains an offer for women to earn up to 100,000 Yen if they agree to pose for bondage-related photographs. It doesn't matter in the end, as Hitoshi verbalizes this offer to a cutie with her hair pressed back by a headband. Unfortunately, she declines his offer; man, I would have loved to have seen her tied up.

And I don't mean that in a perverted way. I know, what other way can I mean then? But as we learn in the next scene, bondage can help alleviate menstrual cramps, headaches, toothaches and backaches. I was just as shocked as you are when I found out that not only can bondage be used for medicinal purposes, but that "The Bondage Master" is a nice guy.

Like most people, the act of seeing Shiro staring menacingly on the film's poster lead me to believe that his character was going to be a real sick fuck. Of course, as the film progressed, I soon discovered that the opposite is true. He views bondage as an art form, not some niche fetish.

On top of kinky photo shoots, Shiro also works at The Black Lizard Club, a–you guessed it–bondage lounge; think of it as Café Flesh for the S+M set. Sharing the stage with a leggy dominatrix named "Boss" (Yokiru Ikuta), Shiro's knot skills wow the audience as he ties up a woman in–you guessed it again–white pantyhose.

After the show, Shiro rescues a woman named Keiko (Ai Yasunaga) from a gang of unruly teens. It turns out that Keiko is Saya's sister, and she's been cruising the bondage scene looking for her. More than happy to help out, Shiro tells Keiko that he'll keep an eye out for her.

If you thought that was gentlemanly, you should check out the scene where Shiro uses his rope skills to retrieve a toy plane for a bunch of kids (it was stuck in a tree). I tell ya, it was refreshing to see a bondage enthusiast use his talents for something other than the advancement of his own orgasm.

Need more proof that Shiro isn't your average bondage master, look no further than the scene where he accompanies his Filipino prostitute pal to see her lawyer (she wants to get a work visa). It's true, Shiro was there to see his lawyer as well, but the fact he seems to go out of his way to help people blew my mind. The lawyer, by the way, was the "Boss." That's right, she's a leggy lawyer by day, leggy dominatrix by night.

He even eats at an independently run noodle stand! (no corporate noodle stands for this bondage master). So, let's recap, shall we? Shiro uses his bondage skills to help alleviate menstrual cramps and other ailments (mind you, he doesn't do it for free... bondage masters have bills to pay, too), he supports local businesses, convinces novice bondage models that being tied up is akin to being embraced by a lover, gets toy planes out of trees for little kids, accompanies Filipino prostitutes to see their lawyer, rescues damsels in distress, and... Uh, what else does this motherscratcher do? Oh, did I mention that he removes bullets from wounded Yakuza? No? Well, he does.

I'm telling you, if there wasn't so much bondage action, I would recommend that The Bondage Master be shown in schools, as it's a highly moral film. No foolin'.

Roaring Fire (Noribumi Suzuki, 1982)

Let's see, one, two, three, four, five, six and seven. Yep, there are definitely seven bikini-clad Japanese chicks onscreen at same time in this film. Oh, hello, I'm just making sure I got the right number of bikini-clad Japanese chicks who appear in this movie. You see, I don't want to mislead anyone into thinking they were getting more, or less for that matter, than the actually number of bikini-clad Japanese chicks who giggle and jiggle up a storm in this martial arts masterpiece, as that would be wrong. While most people tend to focus on the plethora of extraordinary fight sequences, I, for some strange reason, became fixated with the bevy of bikini-clad Japanese chicks who greet the film's hero in one of the film's early scenes (by the way, does seven bikini-clad Japanese chicks qualify as a "bevy" or do you need a couple more in order for it to attain bevy status?). Anyway, I was watching Roaring Fire (a.k.a. Hoero Tekken), the film that features a total of seven bikini-clad Japanese chicks,  on a lark recently on a non-movie review day, when all of a sudden... (Let me guess, a bevy, or something close to being a bevy, of bikini-clad Japanese chicks appeared onscreen?) Hey, how did you know? (Lucky guess.) As I was saying, I was watching the film purely as entertainment. In other words, I had no intention of reviewing it. When all of a sudden, the overly aforementioned bevy/maybe bevy of bikini-clad Japanese chicks show up out of nowhere.

When this happened, I started to panic. Too many bikini-clad Japanese chicks onscreen all at once... can't concentrate, I began to mumble to myself. As the bevy/maybe bevy of bikini-clad Japanese chicks eventually started to dissipate, I felt a wave of relief wash over me.

Almost roped into reviewing a material arts flick by a bunch, I mean, by a bevy/maybe bevy of bikini-clad Japanese chicks, I felt like I had just dodged a bullet.

Confident that the worst of this sudden burst of inclement bikini-clad Japanese chicks was over, I went back to watching the film in a calm and relaxed manner (for those of you interested, I watched the film whilst in the seated position).

You won't believe what happens next.  As Joji (Hiroyuki Sanada) is listening to his Uncle Ikeda (Seizô Fukumoto) berate an underling in front of a painting of Adolf Hitler from the relative comfort of a super-secret hallway, we are privy to one of the greatest scenes in the history of femdom, subtle slit appreciation, nylon worship and shoe fetishism. Okay, maybe I'm over selling it a bit. But make no mistake, the moment Uncle Ikeda's sexy henchwoman presses the heel of her right shoe into the hand of the now cowering underling was the moment I decided to review this movie.

Since it was still a "non-movie review day," I stopped the film immediately after the henchwoman removed her heel from the underling's hand, and scheduled to watch the film in its entirety at a later date. Which is something I've never done before.

I must say, I came close to stopping the film during the bikini-clad Japanese chicks scene, also known as the Hiroyuki Sanada vs. Abdullah the Butcher pool side meet and greet. But cooler heads prevailed. However, I was rendered powerless the second I saw the henchwoman stab that underling's hand with the heel of her shoe. Seriously, I had no choice. My hands were tied.

Now, this may come as a surprise, but in-between all the stuff involving bikini clad Japanese chicks, nylon-ensnared Japanese legs and feet stomping the heels of their shoes into the hands of blubbering underlings is a pretty amazing martial arts movie. (Oh, yeah, you did call this film a "martial arts masterpiece.) That's right, I did. So, technically, this shouldn't come as a surprise. Either way, the movie, directed by Noribumi Suzuki and featuring fight choreography by Sonny Chiba, kicks a ton of ass. (Only a ton?) Okay, it kicks a shitload of ass. And I think it had a hand in inventing parkour.

Starting off on the mean streets of Hong Kong, a Japanese man named Toru (Hiroyuki Sanada) is gunned down by gangsters in an alleyway. Meanwhile, in Texas, a Japanese man named Joji (Hiroyuki Sanada) is herding cattle. As he's doing this, he gets word that his ill father is dying. Rushing to his deathbed, Joji learns that his father is not who says he is. We're only five minutes into the film, yet Roaring Fire has already featured scenes that boast Hong Kong-style street violence and cattle herding in Texas. I wonder where we're going next?

After the theme song, sung, of course, by Hiroyuki Sanada, is over, we're whisked to Kobe, Japan, where Joji and Peter, his monkey companion, are looking for the home of his blood relatives (he doesn't know his long lost twin brother was gunned down by gangsters in Hong Kong and thinks the plane crash that killed his parents was an accident).

Anyone care to guess what Joji finds when he gets to the house? That's right, a bevy/maybe bevy of bikini-clad Japanese chicks playing in the pool. But what's this? Peter seems to be carrying a red object in his little monkey hands. Holy crap, Peter just swiped the red bikini top off of one of the Japanese chicks. Am I crazy, or this film starting to resemble Malibu Beach or The Beach Girls? If you remember correctly, those films also had an animal who liked to steal women's bikini tops, only it was a dog, not a monkey.

As you might expect, the now topless Japanese chick is none to pleased that a monkey stole her bikini top. Crowding around Joji, who is now holding the red bikini top, the Japanese chicks start accusing him of being a pervert. During the ensuing kerfuffle, Joji accidentally removes the bikini top of another Japanese chick. This causes the bevy/maybe bevy of bikini-clad/topless Japanese chicks to unleash their secret weapon.

Emerging from the water like the Creature from the Black Leather Lagoon, Spartacus (Abdullah the Butcher) picks up Joji and tosses him in the air like a bag of low-cost potting soil. Landing on his feet with a cat-like efficiency, Joji proceeds to mock Spartacus by leaping around the pool area like a monkey. An unamused Spartacus demands that Joji cease this activity by repeating the line: "Come down, monkey" over and over again. I have to say, the combination of bikini-clad Japanese chicks, Windsor, Ontario born wrestler Abdullah the Butcher, and the sight of Hiroyuki Sanada jumping all over the place is making my head spin. I mean, why can't all movies feature a scene like this?

Later in the day, after downing about a dozen plates of spaghetti, Joji meets Chihiro (Etsuko Shihomi), his blind sister for the very first time. She is living with her Uncle Ikeda, an, as we'll soon find out, evil, Nazi-loving bastard.

Even though a nightclub ventriloquist (Sonny Chiba) tries to inform Joji that his uncle is bad news via his act (his basically accuses his uncle of killing Joji's parents), he eventually finds out when he eavesdrops on one of his conversation. And, yes, it's the conversation that involves his uncle's shapely henchwoman pressing the heel of her shoe into the hand of a cowering underling.

When his uncle reveals his true nature, Joji decides he wants nothing to do with him. Unfortunately, before Joji can leave in a huff, his uncle shoots him with a tranquilizer dart. Waking up in a pit, Joji is pitted against a boxer and a martial artist wielding a sword on a stick. (You mean a spear?) No, it was a sword on a stick. After defeating them, Joji manages to escape, with the help of Abdullah the Butcher ("Oh no! I am champion").

Things are complicated somewhat when Joji procures a large diamond ("The Queen of Sheba"), one that his uncle desperately wants. In order to obtain it, his uncle eventually uses his blind sister as a bargaining chip. However, before things come to that, we get a great foot chase sequence involving about a dozen relentless goons in kasa hats, six or seven nuns (one wearing red panties), three school girls, and Mikio Narita in a pink Popeye ball cap.

Oh, and if you think Joji's sister is some kind of damsel in distress, think again, as Etsuko Shihomi knows a thing or two about kicking ass. (Isn't her character blind?) A little thing like blindness isn't going to prevent Etsuko from defending herself. And boy does she ever, when Etsuko takes on about ten of her uncle's henchmen at once.

Culminating with an epic showdown that takes place in Hong Kong and on a nearby island, Roaring Fire is an excellent showcase for Hiroyuki Sanada, who's natural charisma is on full display in this film, especially during the chaotic finale, where he takes on about fifty henchmen (some wielding metal pipes) and chases down a jeep on a horse. His arduous task would have no doubt been a whole lot easier had the bevy/maybe bevy of bikini-clad Japanese chicks been there to help him. But judging by the way Hiroyuki punches and kicks his way through this unorganized gaggle of henchmen, it wouldn't have made much of a difference. Hiya!