Hologram Man (Richard Pepin, 1995)

I don't mean to start off on a somber note, but what I'd like to know is: Who, if anyone, is going to bury all the henchmen and cops that are killed throughout this action-heavy sci-fi action movie? Since, the film, Hologram Man, is supposed to take place in the future, I guess they could have developed some kind of newfangled way to dispose of dead bodies (corporeal vaporization perhaps?). But still, the sheer number of henchmen and cops who fall to the ground as a direct result of gunfire in this Richard Pepin-directed masterpiece is ridiculous. Unless the henchmen and cops who buy it were grown in some kind of lab, I'm going to go ahead and assume they all have families. And if that's the case, I think it's safe to assume that the members of these so-called "families" aren't going to be too pleased when they find out their loved ones (whether they be dastardly henchmen or deluded cops) were killed by holograms with amazing hair. Okay, maybe calling the hair on the head of the one responsible for killing the cops "amazing" might be pushing it (though, fans of the KoЯn look may beg to differ). Nevertheless, I think it's safe to say that the dreamy-looking fella who kills henchmen like it were a bodily function has the best hair ever.

(You never really explained why the families of the dead henchmen would be upset when they found out the man who killed their loved ones has amazing hair.)

And I never will. Just kidding. The reason is simple. They all had this idea in their heads that their loved ones were slaughtered by a cruel, inhuman monster. Which, granted, is annoying, but understandable (it's what cruel, inhuman monsters do). However, the second they find out their loved one was done in by someone so exceedingly hunky, they're going to be quite angry. In fact, I'd go as far as to say their anger was tinged with a hint of jealously. Anger, for obvious reasons. As for jealously. Think about it. Who wouldn't want to gunned down by a man with long, flowing locks? I know I would, and I'm not even that big a fan of being gunned down.

In my own convoluted way, what I think trying to say is: A lot of people are killed in this movie (most of which are shot to death, but some are blown up... blown up real good), and that Joe Lara has great hair.

While I am somewhat jealous of Joe Lara's hair (it's so silky and manageable), I was actually more jealous of Evan Lurie. No, not because of his hair (to be honest, I found his KoЯn-do to be revolting). The reason I was jealous is because his henchmen are played by Nicholas Worth (Don't Answer the Phone), Tommy "Tiny" Lister and William Sanderson!!!

(Don't forget Cole S. McKay as "Thug with Flame Thrower.") Fuck yeah, that guy ruled.

If that wasn't enough, he engages in multiple position sexual intercourse with his blonde lady friend in the film's second scene. At first I was like: Why does Evan Lurie get an epic sex scene and Joe Lara only gets a pre-coitus fade out? It's simple, really. Evan Lurie wrote the screenplay. Meaning, Evan Lurie gets an extended sex scene. If Joe Lara wants an extended sex scene in a movie, he should write a screenplay.

Anyway, before we're subjected to this so-called "sex scene" (I almost threw up when Evan Lurie does a mid-thrust hair flip while plowing into his lady friend's futuristic vagina with his futuristic penis), we get a taste of what to expect from this movie in terms of entertainment value.

Opening with an intense shoot-out between–you guessed it–a heavily-armed gang of henchmen and an outgunned collection of cops, the film makes it clear early on that a lot of people are going to get killed in this movie. Though, I have to say, the henchmen and the cops are mostly to blame for the excessive body count. No, not because they're the one's shooting at each other, but because they don't seem to know how to use cover. I mean, standing out in the open in firing your weapon aimlessly is a surefire way to get yourself killed. I tried yelling: Use the parked cars as cover!!! But I guess they couldn't hear me.

(I'm not surprised, with all that gunfire, and the fact that it's only a movie.)

In the end, the cops, lead by Wes Strickland (John Amos), a veteran cop who doesn't play by the rules, are the one's who come out on top during this particular shoot out. And while he appreciates the fact that it was his partner's non-rule playing ways that lead them to narrowly defeat the henchmen, Decoda (Joe Lara), a regulation following rookie cop, is conflicted by his unorthodox methods.

When a plot to assassinate the governor is uncovered, Wes and Decoda are put in charge of protecting him. Using his loyal sidekick One-Eye (Nicholas Worth) as a diversionary tactic, super-villain Slash Gallagher (Evan Lurie) rams the governor's motorcade with a stolen bus. As expected, a shoot out ensues, followed by a car chase. Both of these events lead to the death of the governor and Wes Strickland, and the capture of Slash Gallagher.

Instead of being put in a normal prison, Slash Gallagher is placed in holographic stasis. You see, in the future, prisons as you and I know them are obsolete.

We flash-forward five years to find Decoda somewhat stressed. You might think, what's this guy got to be stressed about? I mean, he's still got great hair, he's got a reasonably attractive lady scientist lady friend. In other words, what's the deal?

Haven't you heard? Slash Gallagher is up for parole today. I know, you're thinking: There's no way they're going to grant him parole... he killed the governor, and, not to mention, a non-rule playing cop. That's true, there's zero chance Judge James Daughton (The Beach Girls and Malibu Beach) would allow this to happen. However, while Slash has been in holographic stasis, his loyal henchmen, including the aforementioned One-Eye, computer expert Giggles (William Sanderson), Eightball (Tommy 'Tiny' Lister) and Thug with Flame Thrower (Cole S. McKay), have been hard at work trying to free him. And they see Slash's parole hearing as the perfect opportunity to spring him.

How do you free someone whose been separated from their physical body? I got one word for you: Cyberspace. Downloading Slash's holographic essence, his henchmen manage to free him during his parole hearing, much to the chagrin of Decoda and his new partner, Carradine (Anneliza Scott), a blue jean-wearing lady cop.

The coolest thing about Decoda's quest to recapture his nemesis is that the system he works for is just as corrupt and malevolent. Caught between the sheer villainy of Slash Gallagher and the fascist California Corporation, or "Cal Corp, " (a domed section of Los Angeles run by a ruthless Michael Nouri), Decoda must struggle to come to terms with the fact that both entities are evil.

When you hear Decoda's simplistic solution to this quandary in the film's final scene, you'll probably think to yourself: That might just work. That being said, a lot people are going to have to be shot and killed for it to do so. Seriously, if you piled the dead on top of each other, you could probably reach the top of the tallest building in Dayton, Ohio; which, at 124 meters, is pretty freaking tall.

American Cyborg: Steel Warrior (Boaz Davidson, 1993)

They say the eyes are the window to the soul. Yeah, but they didn't say anything about these soul-baring windows being bay windows, now did they? Just to make sure that my analogy made sense, I looked up "bay window" utilizing the latest technology about five minutes ago. And it would seem that I was absolutely right to use that term the way I did. That's because Nicole Hansen's eyes are like bay windows. In that they project outward from their ocular housing, much like a bay window projects outward from the walls of a building. Now, I wouldn't say Nicole's giant eyes were the best thing about American Cyborg: Steel Warrior, but they were... Wait a second, why wouldn't I say that? I mean, think about it. Sure, the lingerie-clad thugs who harass our ophthalmically abundant heroine are pretty awesome and the fact that the male lead seemed to base his entire look on Daniel Day-Lewis' character from The Last of the Mohicans is on the cusp of being noteworthy as well, but nothing beats the excessive girth of Nicole Hansen's whirlpool-esque peepers.

Judging by the way you're looking at me, you're probably think to yourself: There's no way this glorified mental case could possibly have anything else to say about Nicole Hansen's saucer-shaped eyeballs in regard to this movie, one that has the distinction of being the last produced by The Cannon Group Inc.

Oh, can't I, eh?

Um, you know what? I think you might be right, I don't have anything else to say. But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop referring Nicole Hansen and her large, expressive eyes every now and then. And why would I? Take away Nicole's humongous eye holes, and this movie, directed by Boaz Davidson (The Last American Virgin), would simply be a somewhat decent Charleston, South Carolina* set post-apocalyptic thrill ride.

However, it would seem that John Saint Ryan's balding cyborg character doesn't agree with me at all, as he spends the entire movie trying his best to close her eyes, or at least diminish their inherent twinkle.

Created by the computers who have taken over sizable chunks of the world (which has been ravished by nuclear war), the cyborg is ordered to "terminate" a woman named Mary (Nicole Hansen) with extreme prejudice. Of course, they don't want her dead because they're jealous of her ability to make hunky rebels and discerning lesbians fall in love with her by simply–you guessed it–batting her fan-like eyelashes at them, they want her dead because she's the only woman on earth with the reproductive fortitude to create human offspring.

You see, the computers want humanity to die off. And in order to expedite this process, they force them to live out their final days in a ruthless totalitarian police state ruled by cyborgs.

Since the film's budget won't allow for shots of human skulls being crushed by robot tank treads, we're given instead a rusty South Carolina license plate and the sound of thunder. Nevertheless, one of the enforcers of this new world order, an unnamed cyborg played by John Saint Ryan, has just received orders (from one of the cyborg information kiosks sprinkled throughout the city) to eliminate the rebels.

Hiding in their subterranean head quarters, the members of the rebellion seem to be buzzing with excitement. And why wouldn't they be? Tonight's the night they transport Mary and her baby (which is kept in a jar) to the port in order to rendezvous with a group of Europeans, who will whisk them across the pond to safety; get this, in this universe, Europe is the bastion of liberty, not the United States of America.

Anyway, with 37 hours to get across hostile territory, the group synchronize their watches and are each given a baggy filled with "RZB", an anti-radiation drug. Unfortunately, just as they're about to leave, a cyborg with a receding hairline bursts into their underground lair and starts shooting at them with his machine gun.

This may sound a tad harsh, but I'm glad the rebels were wiped out. Just for the record: My glad tidings have nothing to do with being a fan of "The System" (remember citizens, "The System is your friend"), but because the prospect of having to remember all their names was rather daunting.

Luckily for me, only Mary and her foetus under glass managed to survive the cyborg onslaught. On the down side, the cyborg will stop at nothing until Mary's dead and he's scraping her foetus off the wheels of his car. I know, the cyborg doesn't drive a car, I'm speaking metaphorically.

To make matters worse, Mary and her foetus must contend with lingerie clad thugs. At first I was like, these guys look like they raided the closet of a dedicated fan of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. But then I saw their leader and said, fuck that, these guys were obviously influenced by Frank Doubleday's Romero from Escape from New York.

It's no secret, but if I was going to write a review of Escape from New York, the bulk of my attention would be focused on Frank Doubleday's Romero, as his bizarre mannerisms are the best thing about that movie.

Just as Mary is about to get rolled by these lingerie-wearing dandies, a guy named Austin (Joe Lara) steps in to give her hand. Making short work of them, Austin rejects Mary's post-dandy beat-down request to escort her to the port and takes off. It would seem that Austin wasn't helping Mary out of the kindness of his heart, he actually had a score to settle with the cross-dressing wrongdoers.

Since there would be no movie if Austin didn't assist Mary in her quest, they eventually team up. Though, you'll notice that Mary doesn't tell Austin she's carrying a foetus in her backpack. In fact, she straight up lies to him; she promises to give him all RZB tablets he can carry when they arrive at the port.

At this point, American Cyborg: Steel Warrior can be broken down into two simple modes: #1 - Fighting the cyborg. And #2 - Running from the cyborg. Actually, I'd like to add a third mode to the mix, if that's all right. And that is: #3 - Recuperating from modes one and two. Given that Austin and Mary inflict major damage on the cyborg every time they encounter him, this allows them to recuperate. It also enables them to get to know one another better.

While Mary manages to keep the truth under wraps (Austin still has no idea she has a foetus in her backpack), it would seem that both are guarding secrets. The only difference being, Austin has no idea he's guarding one as well.

Someone better give the leader of the radioactive cannibals a mint, because he's about to have foetus on his breath.

You're probably wondering, how did Mary manage to be taken prisoner by a gang of radioactive cannibals with Austin at her side? Well, let's just say, Austin doesn't react well when he finds out the truth. Even though Mary tries her best to explain the importance of her mission (the future of humanity is at stake), Austin nonetheless feels betrayed, and runs off in a huff.

Will Mary and Austin be able to put aside their differences in time in order to save the human race from extinction? I guess. Either way, I found the film's straight-forward, no-nonsense approach to dishing out cyberpunk thrills and spills to be quite refreshing. Other than the wide-eyed Mary, the musclebound Austin, the ruthless cyborg killing machine, and few minor characters here and there (Helen Lesnick plays "Carp," Austin's on again and off again lesbian sidekick), the film isn't stuffed with extraneous filler. No, American Cyborg: Steel Warrior is a lean, mean, cyborg ass-kicking killing machine. Oh, and the music score by Blake Leyh rocks, or, I should say, it synths. 

* The film was shot in an abandoned tractor factory near Tel Aviv.