Pretty Peaches 2 (Alex de Renzy, 1987)

While I would love to say that I haven't seen such a pronounced spattering of semen since my days as a male prostitute. I can't because I've never been a male prostitute. Oh, sure, I used to fuck guys for money (in bus station men's rooms to be unnecessarily specific), but that was for charity (Reach Arounds for Cancer Research to be, again, unnecessarily specific). What was the point I was trying to make? Oh yeah, whitish secretions of the moist kind. Now, I've seen pools of cum coagulating in pornography in the past, but the quality of the picture has always prevented me from admiring the goo's innate viscosity. The reason for this can usually be attributed to laziness on the part of the people in charge of releasing this so-called "pornography" to the masses. In their greedy little minds, they figure the saps who like these kinds of movies won't care if their precious pornography is simply transferred from worn out videocassettes. The result: Lackluster porn. That being said, when you think of restoring old movies to their original luster, stuff like, The Red Shoes, Metropolis or The Whoopee Boys probably come to mind. Well, the fine folks at Vinegar Syndrome are trying to change all that, as they, for some strange reason, have lovingly restored Alex de Renzy's Pretty Peaches 2, which looks freakin' amazing. And...

You see that? (What?) Look at the way I said, "for some strange reason." It would seem that even someone like me is having trouble understanding the logic of restoring Pretty Peaches 2.

Not to worry, though, I don't feel that way anymore, as I have just witnessed classic (shot on 35mm film) hardcore pornography the way it was meant to be seen.

Which brings us back to cum. When I saw how vivid that pool of recently expelled spunk looked as it lay all over Tracey Adams' mid-to-late '80s stomach in the film's opening sex scene, a single manly tear fell from my eye. And believe me, it was a pool; the cum languishing on Tracey Adams' mid-to-late '80s stomach, not my single manly tear.

Of course, it should come as no surprise to anyone with eyes or genitals that the pool of recently expelled spunk used to belong to Peter North, as the Halifax born actor is renowned for giving forth an extra helping of the creamy joy juice.

Anyway, you gotta hand it to Alex de Renzy, as only as an artist of his caliber would be able to weave Peter North's generous wad into the film's plot with such an effortless elan. Oh, I'm sure countless other films have played up the vast size of Mr. North's wad, but I've never seen one do so in a manner that seemed so plausible.

When the film opens, Peter North, who, of course, plays Bobby (he's such a Bobby), is trying to penetrate the pussy that belongs to Peaches (Siobhan Hunter), his dimwitted girlfriend. The reason he's trying to penetrate her in this fashion is because it's one of the best ways for a man to achieve an orgasm. Granted, there are countless methods at a man's disposal (trust me, I should know - I must have raised at least a million dollars for cancer research via butt-fucking), but I have found that most of men prefer vaginal intercourse. And it looks like Bobby is no different in that regard.

Unfortunately for Bobby, Peaches' mother, Eunice Goldbloom (Tracey Adams), doesn't seem to care about his impending orgasm, and tells her daughter to go to bed (their sex noises are disturbing her something fierce). Not one to disobey her mother, Peaches manages to cram Bobby's rock hard cock into his jeans and sends him packing.

Speaking of cramming things, I liked how Peaches stuffs her panties (her white panties) in her shoe; she may be dimwitted, but she knows how to... put her panties (her white panties)... in her shoe. That doesn't make a lick of sense. Either way, Peaches' panties (her white panties) are in her penny loafers (the left one, I think) as she goes upstairs.

After Bobby supposedly leaves, Eunice continues to remove her womanly accoutrements (bracelets, earrings, garter belt, stockings, etc.) with a haughty grace.

Unbeknownst to her, but Bobby is watching her remove her womanly accoutrements. That's right, he never left, and is hiding behind the curtains. Hearing a slight rattling sound coming from the window, a now naked Eunice grabs a knife and investigates.

After Eunice scolds Bobby for being a peeping tom, she forces him to remove his clothes (it's what chicks named Eunice do). At around this time, Eunice notices that Bobby has "lovers nuts." Engorged with enough fluid to fill at least five reasonably priced kiddy pools, Eunice decides to help Bobby some extract some of this "fluid" by employing her mouth and vagina as temporary receptacles for his throbbing, overstuffed man-junk.

Who wants to name the multitude of jizz rivers that are currently snaking their way along the surface of Tracey Adams' abdomen? Anybody? Clean up on Tracey Adams' tummy!

Frustrated that her mother refuses to tell anything about sex, Peaches decides to ask Stanley (Herschel Savage), her former step dad, for advice. Showing up at his office in a red top paired with a yellow skirt, Peaches begs her former step dad to teach her about sex. For a second there it looked like Stanley was contemplating giving his former step daughter a private lesson, but less pervy heads prevail. Instead, Stanley tells Peaches to "ask around" and most importantly, "don't be a tease... no-one likes a tease."

"Golly, daddy... that's some excellent advice," she cheerfully replies. The manner in which Siobhan Hunter says the word "daddy" is so unsavoury, that it will cause you to run down to the nearest police station to register yourself as a sex offender.

Since the film hasn't had a sex scene in at least two minutes, we're given a quick one when Stanley calls over his secretary, Miss Wilson (Tammy White), to "discuss" something important. What transpires is your standard office sex scene. What isn't standard, however, is Tammy White's body. Dang! This Tammy chick is shapely as all get out. Oh, and since she isn't some cave-dwelling neanderthal, Tammy's delicious gams are sheathed in black stockings. Mmmm, slice 'em thick, Ma.

Taking what Stanley said about "asking around" seriously, Peaches comes to the conclusion that the sanest course of action for her to take is to visit Uncle Howard (Ron Jeremy) up in San Francisco; which, according to Peaches, is the best place to learn about sex.

Those familiar with the handkerchief code will probably notice that Peaches has a dark blue hanky stuffed in the back pocket of her jean shorts. Does this mean Peaches will have anal sex later on in this movie? Who knows? I do know this, the guy in the trucker cap (Buck Adams) who picks up a hitchhiking Peaches definitely has anal sex with Juliet (Janette Littledove), a busty prostitute, during their stay at a motel.

What's amusing about this scene is that Miss Littledove kept calling Buck a piece of shit as he plowed into her ass. And I couldn't help but laugh when she mock asks him whether or not he took humping lessons at Disneyland.

Worried about her daughter, Eunice teams up Stanley, and they both hit the road in search of Peaches. And, of course, they end up booking a room at the same motel Peaches and the trucker cap guy stayed at. Except, instead of having anal sex with Janette Littledove, Eunice blows F.M. Bradley; much to the chagrin of Stanley, who had hoped their little road trip would lead to some kind of reconciliation between himself and his ex-wife.

Meanwhile, in San Francisco, Peaches is up to her eyebrows in perversion. Let's break it down, shall we? Incest, gaudy furniture, Jamie Gillis dressed as a granny, wispy pubes, blue panties, Melissa Melendez (Kat Dennings meets Asia Argento) as a Chinese chick and an impromptu bunny dip tutorial. It should come as no surprise that Peaches is a tad overwhelmed by what she sees at Uncle Howard's. That being said, she seems to be learning a lot.

Other than not giving us any clear shots of Tammy White in her lingerie, as far as being a playful piece of plot-driven pornography, I'd say Pretty Peaches 2 is pretty much perfect. And thanks to the fine folks at Vinegar Syndrome, it looks perfect. I'm almost tempted to throw away all my porno DVDs, as this release makes them all look like utter garbage. Almost (let's not do anything rash).

Rock Hard (Bob Vosse, 1985)

I've read that in the early days of MTV, the then music video channel would play just about anything. Now, this policy had nothing to do with MTV being open-minded or adventurous, it was like that because they to had play something. You see,  music videos in the early 1980s were still a bit of a novelty. Meaning, not every artist bothered to make a music video. So, if you were in a band with a music video, the chances of it getting it played on MTV were pretty good. What does this have to do with Rock Hard, a Taija Rae porno movie from 1985? It's simple, really, if I was in charge of deciding what got played and what didn't get played on MTV, I would have flat-out refused to air "Hotter Than Hot" by Adonna and The Sexelettes on the grounds that it sucks ass. Seriously, what was that? Okay, I get it, Adonna (Taija Rae) is the singer. But what are those other chicks doing? Are they even in the band? Ugh. We wouldn't be in this mess if writer-director Bob Vosse (Yank My Doodle, It's a Dandy! and She-Male Sex Clinic) had the horse sense to hand them guitars. Hell, even a tambourine would have been a step in the right direction.

And don't give me any of this crap about musical props being expensive. The opening scene clearly

shows a drum-kit and two mannequins, one with a guitar and one with a bass guitar.

Look at them, they're right there. Grab 'em.

That being said, it sort of makes sense that Adonna and The Sexelettes were kinda terrible. Think about it, they would have to have sexual intercourse with almost everyone connected to the music industry in order to get their shitty music video on the air. And–you guessed it–that's exactly what they end up doing. Humping anything with a pulse, Adonna and The Sexelettes literally fuck their way to the top.

After enduring the music video for "Hotter Than Hot" (which is played in its entirety during the opening credits) Taija Rae's Adonna gets right down to business at hand by massaging the cock attached to her manager's crotch with the inside of her mouth. Even though they're technically a couple, Adonna treats Phil (Jerry Butler) more like a boy-toy. In other words, she'll continue to let him make the flesh on her juicy, pale ass ripple as a direct result of his pelvic thrusts as long it helps her career.

Call me avuncular tree frog, but I simply adored how each thrust caused a brand new ripple to appear along the surface of Taija Rae's untanned backside.

Pinning her legs back as far back as they will go, Phil penetrates Adonna with not as much gusto as I would have liked. The fact Adonna obviously wanted to be somewhere else minimized the impact of his thrusts. And it didn't help that Phil and Adonna stopped to chat every once and awhile either.

I did like Taija's purple satin garter belt and the torn up nature of her black stockings, which looked like they had just survived a nuclear explosion.

While to a certain degree it was also annoying that the opening sex scene between Taija Rae and Jerry Butler is periodically interrupted by the scene where The Sexelettes try to convince a VJ to play their video, I wasn't too upset, as the scene introduces us to Ultra Box!!!!

Yep, you heard right, Rock Hard has a character named Ultra Box, who I'm officially declaring to be one of the greatest movies characters of all-time. Sure, a lot my hyperbolic praise has got to do with the fact that she's called "Ultra Box," but Patti Cakes, the actress saddled with the task of bringing Ultra Box to life, is simply amazing. It doesn't have to be noted, but unlike Taija Rae, and Nina Hartley, who plays Cindi Looper, Patti Cakes doesn't have hundreds of credits on her resume (according to my research, Patti Cakes only appeared in ten movies during her film career). Anyway, Cindi Looper, who is wearing an orange sweater dress with a longer pink dress underneath it (creating a nice layering effect) and Ultra Box, who is wearing black stockings with a short skirt, approach Billy VJ (Billy Dee), the VJ for a MTV-style music channel. She hasn't said a word yet, but I like Ultra Box already; she starts clawing at her skirt (reveling the tops of her stockings with every claw).

When Billy VJ implies that there is something they can do to get their video played on the air, Ultra Box assumes he's talking about money, and says, "I thought payola was unlawful." Ahh, I love it. Her voice is so snotty and uncouth; she would be perfect in an early John Waters' movie.

He's not talking about money, by the way, he's talking about sex. Pulling out the mattress he had tucked away underneath the studio mixing board, Billy VJ invites Cindi Looper and Ultra Box to dine on his genitals.

Wearing a red ruffle garter belt, a giant blue crucifix earring and sporting pink highlights in her hair, Ultra Box is the one who gets jizzed on when Billy VJ is finished. Or does she? I know her bush is thick and all, but I can't see any cum.  Man, what a piss poor cumshot. Whatever. Lying in a post-coital heap together, Billy informs the ladies that he can set up an appointment with the station's program director (he doesn't have the authority to decide what gets on air).

Meanwhile, Adonna is over at her record label's sales department to smooth talk Super Sales (Eric Edwards), his secretary (Mai Lin) and Dave Darling (Francois Papillon), an art director (he's in charge of designing the video boxes).

My initial thought when Adonna comes barging onto their office was: Holy crap, that pink dress with the zipper sleeves is so fucking chic. However, after that initial thought had subsided, I thought to myself: I wonder how much cocaine Taija Rae did before shooting this scene?. And it would seem that I wasn't the only one who was thinking this, as Eric Edwards asks Adonna at one point if she's on anything. After giving Adonna's body the once over, Dave Daring suggests that since Cindi Looper and Ultra Box aren't there, that Super Sales and Mai Lin stand-in for them in order that he imagine what the box art will look like. One thing leads to another, and the four end up having group sex on the floor. As was the case with the studio scene with Cindi and Ultra Box, the music during the floor foursome is all wrong. I mean, the jazzy score just doesn't fit with the tone of the movie. If this had been, oh, let's say, a Doris Wishman-directed nudie cutie flick from 1964, it would have been perfect. But this film is about hot new wave chicks fucking their way to the top in 1985.

Wearing pink pantyhose, knee-high black boots, a pink top covered in splotchy black dots, multiple gold chains around her neck and a short black and white skirt, Cindi Looper shows up at the office of Joan (Lili Marlene), a booking agent of some kind. And I don't have to tell you what happens next. For those who don't know, Cindi Looper and Joan engage in lesbian sex with BSDM undertones.

Since Adonna and Cindi Looper have both tried to get their band's music video air play by employing sexual favours, it only makes sense that Ultra Box give it a shot. And her target is Mr. Wilson (Roger Scorpio), the music video channel's program director. As luck would have it, Mr. Wilson digs trampy chicks who talk dirty. And no one comes close to being as trampy or vulgar as Ultra Box.  Unlike the previous scenes, the one between Ultra Box and Mr. Wilson has pep. What I mean is, there's nary a dull moment. This is because Ultra Box never stops berating Mr. Wilson, who is inundated with crass put-downs and insults of an emasculating nature. My favourite line during the cunnilingus/annilingus portion of their love-making session is this Ultra Box gem: "I'm going to cum all over your executive neck-tie, you asshole!" Though, I have to say, "Come on, faggot. Give it to me," has its charms as well. Oh, and when Ultra Box informs Mr. Wilson: "I'll show you what Ultra Box is," I didn't doubt her for a second.

There was a moment when I got scared, as I didn't think Mr. Wilson had it in him. It occurs after Mr. Wilson had just expelled a modest amount of seminal fluid all over Ultra Box' ample hindquarters. When she instructs him to lick it off, I wanted to crawl under a rock. Assuming that Mr. Wilson would ignore her request, I braced for the awkwardness that was surely to come. To my unexpected delight, Mr. Wilson does exactly as he's told and laps up his spunky leavings with more vigor than I expected. You rock, Mr. Wilson.

Unfortunately, the same can't be said for Ron Jeremy's Teddy Turner; this guy's repulsive. Nonetheless, if Adonna, Cindi Looper and Ultra Box wanna get their music video on the air, this is is man to see, or, I should say, this is the man to fuck. I know, you're thinking to yourself: Why don't they just upload their shitty music video to YouTube? (that's what everyone else does). Believe or not, there was no YouTube in 1985. So, on the downside, they have to fuck Ron Jeremy in order to get famous. On the plus side, they wear pink (Cindi Looper), red (Ultra Box) and yellow (Adonna) stockings while doing so.

Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV (2000)

It's been roughly ten years since we last heard from Melvin Junko, a.k.a. The Toxic Avenger, "Toxie" to his friends, the hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength from Tromaville, New Jersey. Or has it? You see, while most people had to wait roughly ten years to get their next Toxie fix, I merely had to wait ten hours. The only downside of this sudden deluge of toxic-related cinema is that my mind has slowly started to erode. To put it another way, Lloyd Kaufman has begun appearing in my dreams. Do I wish the bespectacled Debbie Rochon or the adorably retarded Sweetie Honey were appearing in my dreams instead? Sure I do. That blue-haired lesbian art student with the plump titties can invade my dreams as well if she wants. In fact, all Tromettes are welcome to wallow in my subconscious (try to keep your fetid vaginal juices off my designer throw pillows, I just had them professionally cleaned at my go-to throw pillow cleaning place, "Those Aren't Pillows! Oh, wait, yes they are... Professional Pillow Cleaners Inc."). Don't worry, Lloyd doesn't do anything lewd or lascivious in my dreams. Every time I start to dream, a hyperactive Lloyd Kaufman jumps into frame and begins to introduce what I should expect in the dream I'm about to dream. Of course, everything his says doesn't come to fruition, but his enthusiasm is quite infectious. And another thing, I've noticed that whenever I'm watching a non-Troma film, that I start to get antsy after about ten seconds. At first I thought a bloodthirsty flea had crawled into my girdle. But then I realized, that's no flea, I'm antsy because no one in this non-Troma film is getting their arm forcibly removed or their head bashed in by a hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength.

You see what you've done, Lloyd Kaufman, my craving for wanton gore and excessive violence has gotten out of control. And not only that, if I don't see a character vomit, spew, hurl, or puke green slime every four or five minutes, or an old lady run over by the evil doppelgänger of Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D. every now and then, I get a super-serious case of restless leg syndrome. And you know the only way to cure a super-serious case of restless leg syndrome is to stab yourself repeatedly in the neck with a rusty speculum.

Now that I've sufficiently established that my brain has basically been ruined, or, liberated, depending on your point of view, by Troma, I can calmly go about addressing that stupid ass elephant that is currently taking up so much space in this particular room. (What elephant?) Don't play dumb. You know which elephant. Her name is Sarah/Claire. She's sometimes blind.She's always leggy. And she digs radioactive cock.

In the first film, The Toxic Avenger, Toxie's girlfriend, Sarah, is played by the beguiling Andree Maranda. And in The Toxic Avenger Part II and The Toxic Avenger Part III: The Last Temptation of Toxie, Toxie's girlfriend, Claire, is played by the wonderfully insane Phoebe Legere.

Saddled with the unenviable task of following in the footsteps of a pair of actresses who give, what I consider to be, two of the greatest performances in film history, Heidi Sjursen has her work cut out for her.

Actually, before I give my verdict regarding Heidi Sjursen's performance as Sarah/Claire, I would like talk about the exhaustively awesome opening scene that takes place at the Tromaville School For The Very Special on "Take a Mexican to Lunch Day." I liken this particular scene to a filmed wince. (A filmed what?) You know, a wince. A slight grimace caused by pain or distress. Well, this what a wince would look like if you were to say film it using cameras.

The luminous Debbie Rochon is teaching a class filled with tards... (Okay, I'm going to have to stop you right there. "Tards"?!? You know better than that.) Fine. It's taco day at the Tromaville School For The Very Special, and the very pregnant Ms. Weiner (the still luminous Debbie Rochon) is teaching the students all about tacos. When, all of a sudden... (Don't tell me, a gang calling themselves "The Diaper Mafia" burst into the classroom wielding automatic weapons.) How did you know that was going to happen? (Um, this is my fourth Toxic Avenger movie in as many days, so, I kinda know what to expect.)

Anyway, whether squirting baby milk into Sweetie Honey's face or beating her over the head with their massive breasts, certain members of The Diaper Mafia seem to enjoy picking on Sweetie Honey. And I have to say, this has got to stop. In fact, the next diaper-wearing reprobate who even looks at Sweetie Honey (Lisa Terezakis) in a manner I deem objectionable is going to feel the brunt of a tartar-causing knuckle sandwich. Am I making myself clear? What's that? It's only a movie, eh? Well, we'll see about that.

Movie or not, no one shoots milk from a baby bottle, especially while holding the baby bottle crotch level as if to convey that the baby bottle is your erect penis, in Sweet Honey's face and lives to tell about it. At least not on my watch.

When I first saw Tito (Michael Budinger) masturbating right in the middle of class to Over 50 Magazine, I had no idea this stuttering half a tard would become such an iconic character. The self-proclaimed "Rebel Retard," Tito plays by his own rules. So much so that when The Diaper Mafia burst into the class, he says, "Fuck this, I'm out of here," and leaves the classroom.

In no mood to take part in a hostage situation, Tito resigns to the maintenance closet to shoot heroin. Speaking of maintenance closets, you know what they keep in maintenance closets? (I don't know, cleaning products.) That's right, cleaning products. And what's the best device to use to deploy said cleaning prod... (Cut the shit, when does David Mattey's Toxie show up?) Toxie? He should be here in a few minutes to kill some diapered assholes. (Good, that's all I needed to know.)

In terms of evaluating Diaper Mafia hotness, the woman in the pinkish pantyhose is... Oh, wait. They're all wearing pinkish pantyhose, even the men. Hmm. I got it. Do you see the taut blonde straddling that lucky tard at the back of the class? Yeah, well, she has got it going on. And what makes what she's got going on go on even further is the fact that she looses her diaper midway through the scene. Meaning, the only thing standing between us and her supple as creamed corn undercarriage is a thin layer of pinkish nylon. Yum.

When Toxie finally does arrive to save the day, he disembowels, asphyxiates (with freshly defecated excrement), stabs (with pencil-sharpened fingers), and generally fucks up a shitload of those pesky infantile troublemakers for daring to mess with Tromaville's most precious resource: it's tards. (What about Joe Fleishaker, Toxie's morbidly obese sidekick, doesn't he fuck anyone up?) You mean, Lardass? (yeah, him.) Hmm, not really. He does spread peanut butter all over a bomb, then eats it. Oh, and when the bomb blows up inside Lardass's stomach, it causes a rift to form in the spacetime continuum. (Huh?)

I'll let James Gunn explain. Oh, crap! (What?!?) Look at that. James Gunn, who plays the wheelchair bound and slightly retarded Doctor Flem Hocking, is surrounded by  Troma babes. (So?) Don't you see, I can't focus on plot-centric exposition of a scientific nature with, count 'em, four Troma babes, or "Tromettes," as they're some times called, standing in the frame at once. I mean, look at them. They're amazing. One of them even has a lazy-eye! Double yum.

Which reminds me. Even though I've watched four Toxic Avenger movies in as many days, I wouldn't exactly call myself a Troma expert. But there is one thing I do know, and that is, Troma's talent for casting attractive women, whether they be leading ladies or background people, is first-rate. The next time you find yourself watching a Troma movie, make sure to take the time to appreciate the effort that must have been made to cast interesting-looking women.

Why is Toxie ripping off the arms of the chief of police and throwing that twelve-year old girl against a brick wall? (Oh, man, you really weren't listening to James Gunn, were you?) What can I say, I'm sucker for chicks with lazy-eyes. (At any rate, that's not Toxie, that's Noxie, The Noxious Offender, the evil Toxie who lives in Amortville. And, well, after the explosion, the evil Toxie is transported to Tromaville.) Okay, I get it now. (It's good to have you on board.)

And since Noxie is in Amortville, that would mean the good Toxie, along with Tito and Sweetie Honey, is currently in Amortville. (Exactly.) This applies to all the residents of Tromaville. For example, the Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD (Paul Kyrmse) in Tromaville is a lovable drunk with low-esteem, while the Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD in Amortville is an evil sadist who enjoys running over old ladies.

While the evil Toxie teams up with Sgt. Kazinski (Dan Snow), a psychotic cop, to turn Tromaville into a fascist dictatorship (Mayor Ron Jeremy didn't stand a chance, nor did Dolphin Man), the good Toxie must survive on the means streets of Amortville long enough to find a way home. Joining forces with a severed head named Pompey (Barry Brisco), good Toxie, the crack-addicted Tito, and the too cute for words Sweetie Honey take the fight to the unruly residents of Amortville, who are basically a bunch of cock-chugging masochists. Hell, even Chester, Lardass's Amortville persona, is a shameless whore.

Speaking of whores, Claire (Heidi Sjursen), the woman who looks like Toxie's Sarah in the Amortville universe, manages to somehow retain her sex appeal. Playing a dentally challenged angel in the black stockings covered in runs, Heidi Sjursen basically steals the movie as the hearing impaired Claire, a woman who expects the good Toxie to fill her chocolate starfish with chunky, chunky dick snot. It would seem that the evil Toxie mistreats Claire in this realm. Meaning, that Sarah, Toxie's blind wife from Tromaville, who is pregnant with the good Toxie's baby, is going to be mistreated when the evil Toxie finds her.

Oh, he's going to do more than "mistreat her," he's going to force her to make out with a blue-haired lesbian at one point. (Wait, that doesn't sound so bad.) Actually, I don't want to describe what the evil Toxie does to Sarah, as his penis scares me.

At any rate, I didn't think it was humanly possible but Heidi Sjursen can hold her head up high, as her performance as Sarah/Claire is just as compelling as the one's given by Andree Maranda and Phoebe Legere, who are legends as far as I'm concerned. I know, that's high praise. And, at first I was like, who does this chick think she is? But slowly but surely, she began to win me over.

Bringing the bubbly retarded bent that is the cornerstone of the Sarah character, Heidi amps up the clueless head movements and adds a bit of breathy confusion to the role. Oh, and the fact that she spends the majority of the third act pregnant and covered in blood is to be commended.

In the alternate universe, things are completely different. (How so?) I'll tell you how so. Constantly waving her arms about in an attempt to perform sign language, Heidi Sjursen's Claire is even more demented than Sarah. The teeth, the torn stockings, the PVC mini-skirt, the arm flailing, the slutty demenour, the bruises, everything about Claire is awesome. In the film's best scene, Claire allows Chester to lick her feet while consuming a block of cheese at the same time.

Rectal hemorrhaging abortion doctors, Corey Feldman, blue-haired lesbians, dwarf Gods, Matrix-style fight scenes involving upright cows, the bloodiest hospital hallway fight sequence in film history (the arterial spray was like a freaking fire hose), Julie Strain, a womb-based battle where mop-wielding foetuses fight to the death, a gay porno set, Lisa Gaye, sign language, and lazy eyes. As you can clearly see, this film has it all. I think Tito should get his own movie, as I think the self-proclaimed "Retarded Rebel" has more to give to the world of cinema. Don't groan too loudly, but I think I need to go into detox. Get it. "Detox." I just watched all The Toxic Avenger movies, and now I need to... (We get it. Now, go outside. You're clearly toxic, and clearly on the cusp of slipping under.) Oh, and if I ask you what your favourite Britney Spears' song is, and you don't immediately say, "Toxic," you're clearly retarded. ;)