Motel Sweets (Eric Edwards, 1987)

Did creepy men in raincoats still go to see "adult movies" in theatres back in 1987? If so, I wonder if any of them were as horrified as I was when they saw what porn had done to Taija Rae. Sure, she could have done it to herself. But I have a feeling someone within porn industry forced Taija to loose all that weight. If you don't know, the main reason Taija Rae is so fondly remembered as one of the greatest porn stars of the 1980s has nothing to do with her acting or charisma. No, the reason porn fans the world over loved Taija so much was because her body had oomph. What's "oomph," you ask? Well, to put it another way, Taija's body had a shapeliness to it that caused her to stand out in the porn crowd. Nowadays, porn stars come in all shapes and sizes. But back in the 1980s, all porn stars looked pretty much the same. Of course, stars like, Keisha and Lois Ayres stood out as well. But Taija Rae had that all-natural look long before anybody else. Which is why it was such a shame to see it eroded in Eric Edwards' Motel Sweets, a tepid porn sitcom set in a motel. Now, I wanted to say, "set in a weird motel," but the motel in this movie isn't as weird as Eric Edwards thinks it is. At any rate, getting back to Taija Rae's drastic weight loss. I don't know what she did to lose so much weight (drugs, perhaps?), but seeing her as an emaciated stick figure was disheartening. Her thick, delicious thighs reduced to formless pipe cleaners. Her rotund rump robbed of its ripple-inducing splendour. Her child-bearing hips plundered of their innate sway-appeal. Her juicy... Well, you get the idea.

Since I don't want this entire exercise to be about Taija Rae's tragic transformation from a shapely porn goddess to a gaunt, cocaine-soaked bag of skin, I'll try to complain about something else. Hmm, there's so much to choose from. (How about the fact that you have to wait thirty whole minutes before a pulsating pussy is properly penetrated by a pockmarked penis?) Nah, that's the kind of thing the raincoat crowd would complain about. I actually liked the fact that Eric Edwards made an attempt to tell a story. Only problem being, it's no Squalor Motel. And that right there is my biggest non-Taija-drastic-weight-loss-related problem with this movie. It thinks it's Squalor Motel. But trust me, it ain't.

As I stated earlier, Motel Sweets isn't as weird as it thinks it is. It also doesn't help that Eric Edwards' late night motel manager keeps saying that Friday nights bring out the weirdos. Every time he would refer these so-called "weirdos," I would say: What weirdos?

Yes, the extremely fussy Mrs. Tirebiter is a tad on the eccentric side, but Tantala Ray is basically channeling Audra Lindley's Mrs. Roper from Three's Company. In other words, she's not exactly weird. That being said, Tantala Ray proves yet again that she is one the finest actresses in the business. No matter what the role. Whether it be Moms, the owner of the cafe in Café Flesh, the warden in Desperate Women or the staunch lesbian in The Devil in Miss Jones 4, Tantala manages to elevate the material. However, unlike the movies I just mentioned, Motel Sweets needs all the help it can get.

While Tantala is working her milfy butt off to provide the comedy relief (to be fair, Eric Edwards says a few things that are on the cusp of being funny as well), who brings the sexy? After all, this is supposed to be a porno. And the last time I checked, porn is supposed to be sexy. At least it was back in the 1980s.

Well, since there's nothing sexy about Taija Rae in this movie, who's going to step in to fill the void? Why, it's none other than Shanna McCullough.

When I saw Shanna McCullough's delightfully round ass and workmanlike thighs appear onscreen for the very first time, I let out a sigh of relief. Bringing big booty majesty to the pre-Sir-Mix-a-Lot age, Shanna McCullough's never not pound-worthy organic structure is something I can always count on. And while Eric Edwards doesn't fully exploit Shanna McCullough's hefty thighs and larger than life buttocks to the degree I had hoped, I took solace in the fact that her curves were representin' something fierce.

However, until Shanna shows up, we have to endure Eric Edwards' wannabe film noir narration. Playing Sam Cooper, the night manager of a modest motel on the outskirts of town, Eric bemoans the fact that it's Friday night, his least favourite day of the week.

When Sam arrives to start the night-shift, he finds Taija Rae's Daisy the prostitute's skinny ass not making a dent in his office couch. I will say this, even though Taija no longer has the curves to properly fill her super-tight neon yellow tiger print hooker dress, the thrift store garment itself is quite fetching.

After we learn that Daisy prefers to be called "Sunshine" (she thinks it's more skank-appropriate), Martha (Tantala Ray) and George Tirebiter (Wayne Stevens) walk in the door. While Martha is paying the 27.50 for room 13, George is getting a cup of coffee. Well, at least he's trying to. You see, the coffee is as thick as molasses. And in order to stop the flow, you need a pair of scissors. Even though the cutting the coffee gag is only employed twice, it feels like it's employed at least five times. What I think I'm trying to say is: Would somebody fuck someone already.

Just kidding, I'm a big fan of character development. Besides, I loved it when Martha Tirebiter calls the front desk to complain that the toilet in her room doesn't have a sanitation strip on it, and Juanita (Ona Z), the night maid, misinterprets Sam's instructions to put a sanitation strip room 13's toilet (there's a bit of a language barrier between them). Instead putting a strip on their toilet, she performs a striptease, complete with black fully-fashioned stockings and wacky sound effects, for a befuddled Martha and George. I know this is an odd thing to say, but pay close attention to Tantala's face as Ona Z strips, her exaggerated facial expressions are pure gold.

Unlike the coffee cutting gag, the language barrier bit between Sam and Juanita is actually employed several times over the course of the film. (Several?!?) Okay, maybe three or four times. But still, it's more than two. Anyway, Juanita ends up in a three-way with a couple of truckers (Billy Dee and Jon Martin) and screwing Robert Bullock's Al the bug guy, who can be usually found hanging out in The Rusty Pipe Lounge, which, I have to say, is nowhere as cool as The Reptile Room, the motel-adjacent club from Squalor Motel.

After Sam gives newlyweds, Tom (Mike Horner) and Trisha (Shanna McCullough), a room on the house, Daisy/Sunshine finally hooks up with her trick for the evening. Now, I have to say, this guy (Nick Random) could be viewed as weird. I know, he seems harmless, but that puppet sex routine involving Mr. Weasel she makes Daisy/Sunshine partake in was not even close to being normal. In fact, you could call it abnormal. Either way, after some puppet-based foreplay, Nick Random sticks his dick Taija's primary fuck-hole... and the crowd goes wild.

(How come you didn't mention the fact that we get to see the tops of Taija's stockings during the puppet scene?) If Taija's thighs were the size they were a year ago, than, yes, I would have mentioned the tops of her stockings. But her thighs aren't the size they were a year ago, are they? No, they aren't. So, screw Taija's scrawny thighs.

As for Shanna McCullough... damn, girl! Sure, she doesn't wear stockings, but Shanna McCullough's rooftop sex scene with Mike Horner pretty much saved this movie from being an exercise in tedium.

Actually, Nikki Knights' "Devilina," who wears red suspender hose, does her best to fight tedium as well, with her devilish performance as "The Devil." While I liked Taija's hooker dress, I couldn't help but laugh when Devilina calls it "god awful" and tells her to "burn it."

You could say the same things about Motel Sweets. But it's not really all that bad. And, yes, the raincoat crowd must have found the thirty minute wait for penetration to be excruciating, I could care less. No, the film's biggest problems are simply this: Taija Rae is not hot as a skinny slut (Marlene Willoughby, on the other hand, is a hot skinny slut) and the film is basically a poor man's Squalor Motel.

Rock Hard (Bob Vosse, 1985)

I've read that in the early days of MTV, the then music video channel would play just about anything. Now, this policy had nothing to do with MTV being open-minded or adventurous, it was like that because they to had play something. You see,  music videos in the early 1980s were still a bit of a novelty. Meaning, not every artist bothered to make a music video. So, if you were in a band with a music video, the chances of it getting it played on MTV were pretty good. What does this have to do with Rock Hard, a Taija Rae porno movie from 1985? It's simple, really, if I was in charge of deciding what got played and what didn't get played on MTV, I would have flat-out refused to air "Hotter Than Hot" by Adonna and The Sexelettes on the grounds that it sucks ass. Seriously, what was that? Okay, I get it, Adonna (Taija Rae) is the singer. But what are those other chicks doing? Are they even in the band? Ugh. We wouldn't be in this mess if writer-director Bob Vosse (Yank My Doodle, It's a Dandy! and She-Male Sex Clinic) had the horse sense to hand them guitars. Hell, even a tambourine would have been a step in the right direction.

And don't give me any of this crap about musical props being expensive. The opening scene clearly

shows a drum-kit and two mannequins, one with a guitar and one with a bass guitar.

Look at them, they're right there. Grab 'em.

That being said, it sort of makes sense that Adonna and The Sexelettes were kinda terrible. Think about it, they would have to have sexual intercourse with almost everyone connected to the music industry in order to get their shitty music video on the air. And–you guessed it–that's exactly what they end up doing. Humping anything with a pulse, Adonna and The Sexelettes literally fuck their way to the top.

After enduring the music video for "Hotter Than Hot" (which is played in its entirety during the opening credits) Taija Rae's Adonna gets right down to business at hand by massaging the cock attached to her manager's crotch with the inside of her mouth. Even though they're technically a couple, Adonna treats Phil (Jerry Butler) more like a boy-toy. In other words, she'll continue to let him make the flesh on her juicy, pale ass ripple as a direct result of his pelvic thrusts as long it helps her career.

Call me avuncular tree frog, but I simply adored how each thrust caused a brand new ripple to appear along the surface of Taija Rae's untanned backside.

Pinning her legs back as far back as they will go, Phil penetrates Adonna with not as much gusto as I would have liked. The fact Adonna obviously wanted to be somewhere else minimized the impact of his thrusts. And it didn't help that Phil and Adonna stopped to chat every once and awhile either.

I did like Taija's purple satin garter belt and the torn up nature of her black stockings, which looked like they had just survived a nuclear explosion.

While to a certain degree it was also annoying that the opening sex scene between Taija Rae and Jerry Butler is periodically interrupted by the scene where The Sexelettes try to convince a VJ to play their video, I wasn't too upset, as the scene introduces us to Ultra Box!!!!

Yep, you heard right, Rock Hard has a character named Ultra Box, who I'm officially declaring to be one of the greatest movies characters of all-time. Sure, a lot my hyperbolic praise has got to do with the fact that she's called "Ultra Box," but Patti Cakes, the actress saddled with the task of bringing Ultra Box to life, is simply amazing. It doesn't have to be noted, but unlike Taija Rae, and Nina Hartley, who plays Cindi Looper, Patti Cakes doesn't have hundreds of credits on her resume (according to my research, Patti Cakes only appeared in ten movies during her film career). Anyway, Cindi Looper, who is wearing an orange sweater dress with a longer pink dress underneath it (creating a nice layering effect) and Ultra Box, who is wearing black stockings with a short skirt, approach Billy VJ (Billy Dee), the VJ for a MTV-style music channel. She hasn't said a word yet, but I like Ultra Box already; she starts clawing at her skirt (reveling the tops of her stockings with every claw).

When Billy VJ implies that there is something they can do to get their video played on the air, Ultra Box assumes he's talking about money, and says, "I thought payola was unlawful." Ahh, I love it. Her voice is so snotty and uncouth; she would be perfect in an early John Waters' movie.

He's not talking about money, by the way, he's talking about sex. Pulling out the mattress he had tucked away underneath the studio mixing board, Billy VJ invites Cindi Looper and Ultra Box to dine on his genitals.

Wearing a red ruffle garter belt, a giant blue crucifix earring and sporting pink highlights in her hair, Ultra Box is the one who gets jizzed on when Billy VJ is finished. Or does she? I know her bush is thick and all, but I can't see any cum.  Man, what a piss poor cumshot. Whatever. Lying in a post-coital heap together, Billy informs the ladies that he can set up an appointment with the station's program director (he doesn't have the authority to decide what gets on air).

Meanwhile, Adonna is over at her record label's sales department to smooth talk Super Sales (Eric Edwards), his secretary (Mai Lin) and Dave Darling (Francois Papillon), an art director (he's in charge of designing the video boxes).

My initial thought when Adonna comes barging onto their office was: Holy crap, that pink dress with the zipper sleeves is so fucking chic. However, after that initial thought had subsided, I thought to myself: I wonder how much cocaine Taija Rae did before shooting this scene?. And it would seem that I wasn't the only one who was thinking this, as Eric Edwards asks Adonna at one point if she's on anything. After giving Adonna's body the once over, Dave Daring suggests that since Cindi Looper and Ultra Box aren't there, that Super Sales and Mai Lin stand-in for them in order that he imagine what the box art will look like. One thing leads to another, and the four end up having group sex on the floor. As was the case with the studio scene with Cindi and Ultra Box, the music during the floor foursome is all wrong. I mean, the jazzy score just doesn't fit with the tone of the movie. If this had been, oh, let's say, a Doris Wishman-directed nudie cutie flick from 1964, it would have been perfect. But this film is about hot new wave chicks fucking their way to the top in 1985.

Wearing pink pantyhose, knee-high black boots, a pink top covered in splotchy black dots, multiple gold chains around her neck and a short black and white skirt, Cindi Looper shows up at the office of Joan (Lili Marlene), a booking agent of some kind. And I don't have to tell you what happens next. For those who don't know, Cindi Looper and Joan engage in lesbian sex with BSDM undertones.

Since Adonna and Cindi Looper have both tried to get their band's music video air play by employing sexual favours, it only makes sense that Ultra Box give it a shot. And her target is Mr. Wilson (Roger Scorpio), the music video channel's program director. As luck would have it, Mr. Wilson digs trampy chicks who talk dirty. And no one comes close to being as trampy or vulgar as Ultra Box.  Unlike the previous scenes, the one between Ultra Box and Mr. Wilson has pep. What I mean is, there's nary a dull moment. This is because Ultra Box never stops berating Mr. Wilson, who is inundated with crass put-downs and insults of an emasculating nature. My favourite line during the cunnilingus/annilingus portion of their love-making session is this Ultra Box gem: "I'm going to cum all over your executive neck-tie, you asshole!" Though, I have to say, "Come on, faggot. Give it to me," has its charms as well. Oh, and when Ultra Box informs Mr. Wilson: "I'll show you what Ultra Box is," I didn't doubt her for a second.

There was a moment when I got scared, as I didn't think Mr. Wilson had it in him. It occurs after Mr. Wilson had just expelled a modest amount of seminal fluid all over Ultra Box' ample hindquarters. When she instructs him to lick it off, I wanted to crawl under a rock. Assuming that Mr. Wilson would ignore her request, I braced for the awkwardness that was surely to come. To my unexpected delight, Mr. Wilson does exactly as he's told and laps up his spunky leavings with more vigor than I expected. You rock, Mr. Wilson.

Unfortunately, the same can't be said for Ron Jeremy's Teddy Turner; this guy's repulsive. Nonetheless, if Adonna, Cindi Looper and Ultra Box wanna get their music video on the air, this is is man to see, or, I should say, this is the man to fuck. I know, you're thinking to yourself: Why don't they just upload their shitty music video to YouTube? (that's what everyone else does). Believe or not, there was no YouTube in 1985. So, on the downside, they have to fuck Ron Jeremy in order to get famous. On the plus side, they wear pink (Cindi Looper), red (Ultra Box) and yellow (Adonna) stockings while doing so.

Invasion of the Love Drones (Jerome Hamlin, 1977)

I don't know why I was reluctant to tell you all about my date with Invasion of the Love Drones. After all, the film features a scene where a Love Drone–who is wearing, get this, black fishnet stockings and a black studded collar–masturbates by using two futuristic-looking vacuum tubes that boast irregular nozzles. If that weren't enough, the reason she's masturbating is to thwart a nuclear-tipped rocket that is headed her way. You see, in order to stop the nuclear-tipped rocket from destroying the Love Drone mother ship, Auto-Erotic (Alexandria) must have an orgasm. It would seem that her climax has the ability to blow nuclear-tipped rockets out of the sky. I know, pretty awesome, eh? So, why was I reluctant to admit that I took time out of my busy schedule to watch this sleazy slab of sci-fi pornography? Well, the reason I was reluctant has a lot to do with the fact that most of the performers don't fully commit their genitals to the sex scenes. It's true, we see many close-up shots of women's anuses whilst in the throes of vaginal intercourse, but I have a sneaking suspicion that all the anuses in this film belonged to the fabulous Bree Anthony (Claudia from Satan Was a Lady). Now, I have no way of proving that every anus was Bree Anthony's anus, but there was definitely some anal recycling going on in this film. And it annoys to think that five years after the birth of porno chic, a triple x production had the gall to try to limit the amount of lady buttholes I see in a motion picture. I mean, if you can't trust the makers of hardcore pornography, who can you trust?

Fraudulent rectums aside, Invasion of the Love Drones is a straight-up masterpiece. And it features a ton of actors I sort of recognized. I know, a straight-up masterpiece with recognizable actors? Talk about a win-win. It even opens with a Rod Sterling-esque introduction. "Welcome to... The Erogenous Zone."

The first recognizable actor being the film's male lead, Eric Edwards. You might remember him from Waterpower, he performs a backroom enema on Long Jeanne Silver. Anyway, did you know his penis has been inside Taija Rae? Well, it totally has. Many, many times in fact. What's this got to do anything, you say? Oh, nothing.

Why the aliens, who are currently orbiting the planet Earth in their penis-shaped spaceship (just once I'd like see an erotic sci-fi film bypass the whole penis-shaped spaceship gag), chose Eric Edwards to be their first Drone is never really explained. Or maybe it was and I just wasn't paying attention. Either way, they beam him abroad their ship.

Naked and confused, Eric Edwards is told (by a female voice emanating from a red light located in the middle of what looks like a giant disco ball) to have sex with two Pornovisions (Arlana Blue and Lorraine Alraune). Don't ask me what a "Pornovision" is, I'm just copying what it says in the credits. Actually, I think the Pornovisions were created in order to entice Eric Edwards to have sex with them and in turn become a Drone.

The huge afros, the freaky shades, the black and white armwear, the habit of performing interpretive dance, the gold-studded belts, the Pornovisions are quite the sight to behold.

You can tell there's something different about Eric Edwards after he ejaculates in the mouth of one of the Pornovisions just by listening to the sound of his voice, which has developed a robotic, almost monotone register.

Returned to his bathroom in Queens, Eric Edwards, who is actually a guy named George, tells his wife Joanne (Joann Sterling), a top-heavy redhead, in his new robot voice, that he wants to have sex. When you have sex with a Love Drone you yourself become a Love Drone. And, you guessed it, Joanne is now speaking with a robot voice.

Since he can't go around having sex with random strangers (at least not yet), George heads to a clinic where Dr. Debra Femme (Viveca Ash) and her assistant Andrea (Michelle Magazine), two leggy lab coat enthusiasts, are conducting sex research. Volunteering to be a test subject, George is paired with a woman named Janet (Any Mathieu) and the two of them have sex. It's during this sex scene that we get our first glimpse of Bree Anthony's anus in action. The lighting and the thrusting speed didn't match at all (in the wide shots, Any is doing the bulk of the humping, whereas, during the close-ups, the man is doing the lion's share of the fuck work). In other words, that wasn't Any Mathieu's anus in the throes of love making.

One way to spot a Love Drone, besides their tendency to speak in a robot voice, is to listen for the phrase "okee dokee." If you hear this, then you know you're in the company of a Love Drone.

As George is out making new Love Drones, his wife Joanne is out doing the same. Showing up a photographer's apartment to get her picture taken (she's model of some kind), Joanne "drones" a photographer played by Alex Mann. I must say, if watching Alex Mann movies was a skill, I would be... well, to be honest, I don't know what I would be. Let's just say, by adding this film to the mix, I've seen a total of four Alex Mann movies. Just to remind you, the others are: Malibu High, I Drink Your Blood and Satan Was a Lady.

It should go without saying, but whenever I see Alex Mann's name in the credits, I know the film is going to be good.

In order to absorb all the sexual energy emanating from Earth, the Love Drones unleash two Sex Servos (Bree Anthony and Tony Richards), who begin to have sex. This scene, by the way, is the only "real"sex scene in the movie, as the rest are simulated. Actually, that's not entirely true, the scene with Eric Edwards and the Pornovisions was definitely real. But other than that... Of course, I don't mean to imply that sexual intercourse between a man and a woman is the only sex I consider to be "real." It's just that Bree Anthony and Tony Richards are the only performers who seemed willing to fuck on camera.

Hence, the reason Bree's chocolate starfish makes several appearances throughout the film and the reason the sex scene between Bree and Tony on the floor of the Love Drone spaceship lasts until the end of the film. Let me better explain the latter. Each leg of their sexual journey is gradually unveiled as the film progress. For example, after Molly (Dusty Evsky), who uses Bree's anus as well, "drones" Frank (Levi Richards), an F.B.I. agent, on her couch, we're whisked aboard the Love Drone spaceship to watch the Sex Servos engage in the oral presentation of their act of deep space copulation.

F.B.I. agents, chicks named "Molly"? It would seem that the Love Drones are quickly taking over.

Yeah, the F.B.I. get involved at the behest of Dr. Femme, who is convinced aliens are trying to take over the world. When Agent Frank fails to uncover an alien plot, the F.B.I. chief sends Agent Rona (Jennifer Jordan from The Tiffany Mynx and A Woman's Torment) to investigate a sex party happening at Club de Vie. This, of course, just leads to Agent Rona being turned into a Love Drone. She tries to escape, by Alex Mann and a gang of Love Drones overpower her and gang drone her on a chess table.

Since the F.B.I. are no help, Dr. Femme hatches plan--with zero help from her assistant Andrea (who sort of just sits there with the clueless expression on her face)--to stop the Love Drones by infecting the Love Drones with a venereal disease. She figures since the Love Drones are a collective, she reckons that all she has to do is infect one and the rest should follow. Only problem, where to find one? That's easy, just locate a man with a monotone voice, have sex with him, and then inject him with the virus as he's about to climax. Drone, and drone.

(Wait a minute, what if the man Dr. Femme has sex with in not a Love Drone, but some random dude who just happens to speak in a monotone voice?) Huh, I didn't think about that. Well, the first guy Dr. Femme approaches on the street is played by Kevin Andre, a.k.a. the car salesmen from Teenage Hitchhikers.

Oh, and in order to come off as more appealing to the men of New York City, Dr. Femme puts away her lab coat and dons a mini-skirt and a pair of knee-high boots.

You would think a film like this, one with a limited budget, would have trouble depicting a planetary invasion convincingly. But the film does a surprisingly excellent job making it seem the world is about to overrun with sex-obsessed Love Drones. We get a shot of George, Rona and Joanne heading to the airport, Jerry Jerome plays various newscasters from around the globe (U.K., France, West Germany and India), and authentic footage of a rocket being launched into space is used at one point. All these things helped give the proceedings a real sense of urgency. Meaning, if Dr. Femme doesn't infect a Love Drone with V.D., and quick, the world is doomed.

As I implied earlier, the nuclear-tipped rocket is thwarted by Auto-Erotic (Alexandria), who masturbates (in black fishnet stockings with seams) with a pair of vacuum hoses with bell-shaped metallic tips.

When Jamie Gillis shows up as the leader of a group of Love Drones, I was sure he was going to fuck something. But when he doesn't, I was like: Huh, Jamie Gillis is not fucking anything. How strange. Instead, he just sits there asking his fellow Love Drones: "Are we one?" over and over again.

If everything I've described so far still sounds unappealing to you, just sit back and enjoy the synthy goodness that is the film's soundtrack. Seriously, the music in this movie rules. The music used when Bree Anthony is being mounted missionary style in particular is fucking awesome, as deep, sinister-sounding synth flourishes fill the air as Bree's real pussy is filled with drug-free 1970s cock.