Return to Savage Beach (1998)

My critical knives were just itching to cut into the bloated carcass that is Return to Savage Beach (a.k.a.  L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies: Return to Savage Beach) for having so many freakin' endings, when, all of a sudden, Carrie Westcott, of all people (an "actress" who displays more charisma while unconscious than she does while conscious), chimes in, and, in one fell swoop, undercuts the point I was going to make about how this film's ending seems to go on forever. You see, just as I was starting to lose patience with the multiple endings that were being  thrown in my general direction (they even found the time to throw in a Scooby Doo-style ending), Carrie refers to the fact that this story has too many endings. Meaning, writer-director Andy Sidaris is totally aware of what's going on. I was always under the impression he had no idea what's going on. Anyway, unless I decide to circle back and watch the action-adventure films Andy Sidaris made during the 1970s, this is it as far as Andy Sidaris/Christian Drew Sidaris movies go. On the one hand, I'm kind of happy that it's over, as, let's be honest, the film's have been getting steadily worse ever since Malibu Express and Hard Ticket to Hawaii. Sure, there are a few exceptions here and there (Guns, for example, is an excellent piece of trash cinema). But for the most part, things have been going slowly downhill.

Yet, I'm also kind of sad. I mean, this is it. No more movies with terrible actresses with fake breasts trying recite expository dialogue, no more movies with poorly-staged shoot outs (can I at least get a muzzle flash up in this overpriced bistro?), and no more movies that feature the cast standing around holding glasses of champagne in bad 1980s/90s fashions in the final scene.

A sequel to Savage Beach (duh), but also a sequel to Day of the Warrior, as that film's entire cast is back for more scantily clad hijinks,  L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies: Return to Savage Beach involves lost treasure buried on a remote island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean.

I know, didn't Special Agents Donna (Dona Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) help return the buried treasure to government of the Republic of the Philippines in Savage Beach? That's true, they did. However, as usual, unlawful shenanigans of a duplicitous nature were afoot, and the treasure somehow ended up back on–you guessed it–Savage Beach.

Since this film boasts the same cast as Day of the Warrior, including wrestler Marcus Bagwell (now sporting a George Michael circa 1998-2008 haircut), it boasts some of the same problems. The biggest one being the complete and utter lack of talent displayed by Julie K. Smith and Shae Marks, who are, if can you believe this, supposed to be the new Dona Speir and Hope Marie Carlton. Oh, sure, they have big breasts. But they bring nothing else to the table in terms of wit or personality.

Emerging from the Pacific Ocean in a skimpy lavender bathing suit, the so statuesque it's ridiculous Julie Strain hops in her car and drives to the KSXY studios in Molokai to watch a new spy satellite being launched. As usual, Ava (Ava Cadell), "your personal sextrologist," along with Harry The Cat (Kevin Eastman), her engineer (who looks like a roadie for, oh, let's say, Toad the Wet Sprocket), and Silk (Carolyn Liu), are there to greet her.

As in the previous films that take place in this universe, Ava uses her radio show to deliver coded messages to L.E.T.H.A.L. (Legion to Ensure Total Harmony and Law) agents in the field.

Delivering a coded message to Tiger (Shae Marks) and Tyler (Christian Letelier) in Dallas, Ava informs them that a group of "bad guys" are smuggling weapons into the U.S.A. via Mexico. And thanks to the new satellite in orbit, Ava can pinpoint their exact location for Tiger and Tyler, using code, of course.

Donning wet suits, Tiger and Tyler confront the "bad guys" on jet skis. What ensues enfolds as followed: Chase. Shoot out. Explosion. Cheesy one-liner. 

Meanwhile, a mysterious blonde, a woman named "Sofia" (Carrie Westcott), is putting on a red PVC outfit in a Dallas Ramada. Wait, why is she carrying pizzas and ginger ale on roller-blades? Oh, I see what's going on. With most of the L.E.T.H.A.L. agents out hunting gun runners, there's no one around to mind the store.

Knocking out a security guard, a receptionist and an office manager with some spiked ginger ale, Sofia, who was posing as a pizza delivery girl, simply walks in and steals some "obsolete computer files." I know, why would anyone want to steal obsolete computer files? 

While that was a weird thing for her do, did you see the receptionist? (The blonde in the turquoise dress?) Yeah, her. (What about her?) I thought she was the most normal-looking woman to ever appear in an Andy Sidaris production made between 1985-1998.

Now, under normal circumstances (no pun intended), being "normal-looking" would be a negative. However, after being repeatedly beaten over the head with what Andy Sidaris considers to be female beauty, to see a natural woman not dressed like a tarted up hosebeast onscreen, even it was for only a few seconds, was an amazing sight to behold.

Yet, like I said, the receptionist, played by Elizabeth O'Donnell, is only onscreen for a few seconds, so, unfortunately, we're back to the watching the usual Andy Sidaris-approved nonsense in no time.

Trust me, if you have watched as many Andy Sidaris films as I have, you will embrace just about anything that deviates from the status quo. And if that means obsessing over receptionists who drink ginger ale that's been drugged by a plastic-looking bimbo, than so be it.

I would rather watch the receptionist character pretend to pass out, than sit through another one of Julie K. Smith's unsexy strip routines. Is this supposed to be titillating? It looks like she's having a seizure. Oh, and don't get me started on the guy who replaced Kevin Light (Nowhere) as Doc, Miss Smith's love interest in Day of the Warrior. He's awful, truly awful. And you know what? I'm not even going to mention his name.

After getting the computer disc that contains the exact location of Savage Beach, Sofia flies to Hawaii and personally delivers it to Rodrigo Martinez (Rodrigo Obregón). Yep, the Rodrigo Martinez. It would seem that he wasn't killed at the end of Savage Beach after all.

Why Sofia is wearing a fur coat? Doesn't she know she's in Hawaii? Ugh, this movie. Oh, wait, she's got a surprise for Rodrigo underneath it... a sexy surprise.

Just in the nick of time, we're introduced to Fu (Gerald Okamura), Julie Strain's loyal sidekick, and Warrior (Marcus Bagwell), who's a good guy now.

Pay close attention to when Willow Black and Warrior show up at Fu's house. You'll notice that as Julie Strain bends over to grab something from the back seat of her car, she revels a slight hint of thong ensnared butt-crack... or is it, butt-crack ensnared thong? Either way, it's a beautiful sight to behold.

To find out what happens when they finally arrive at Savage Beach, see my review of the original Savage Beach, as it's basically the same thing. Except, in Return to Savage Beach, the ninjas use guns. That's right, the ninjas in this film are packing pistols. What has the world come to?

After about six endings, including a twenty minute wrap up monologue by Rodrigo Obregón (who kinda deserves one, as he's been in at least twelve of these movies), harmony has been achieved and the law has been enforced.

In a bizarre twist, the final shot features Ava Cadell lounging in Molokai in black stockings with seams. It's "bizarre" because it shatters my previous theory that stated that stockings, especially black stockings, are not conducive to Hawaii's humid climate. Well, if you will excuse me, I need to go wash the egg off my face, as Andy Sidaris just made a fool out of me. Black stockings in Hawaii... who would have thought? (Not to nitpick, but Carrie Westcott appears in black stockings earlier in the film.) Yeah, so what? The final shot of an Andy Sidaris film features a leggy Hungarian woman reclining in a leggy manner in black stockings. The end.

Fit to Kill (Andy Sidaris, 1993)

She can sing, she can dance, she's funny, and, of course, she's got killer legs, yet time and time again, the gorgeous Cynthia Brimhall is relegated to the sidelines. I've been wanting to say this for a long time and now is a good as time as any: If I have to watch another Andy Sidaris film that treats Cynthia Brimhall like a second class citizen, I'm going to throw the hissy fit to end all hissy fits. (Um, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but Fit to Kill was the last Andy Sidaris film to ever feature the luminous Cynthia Brimhall.) You're joking, right? (I'm afraid not.) Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! What? Too many o's? Not enough o's? Either way, this review will have to serve as my humble tribute to Cynthia Brimhall. You appeared in a total of six Andy Sidaris films. And while you might not have been the star of any of them, in my mind, you were easily the best thing about all six. If I had to pick, I'd say Guns was your crowning achievement in terms delivering the awesome. On the bright side, this particular film, the one I'm currently writing about, would turn out to the last Andy Sidaris film for Dona Speir and Roberta Vasquez as well. Woo-hoo! If you have been closely following my epic journey into the jiggle-friendly realm of Andy Sidaris, you'll know that I can't stand Dona Speir in these movies, haven't since the moment I laid eyes on her in Hard Ticket to Hawaii. I have nothing against her personally, it's just that it angers me that Andy Sidaris allowed someone so woefully untalented to star in seven of his films. If she had, say, appeared in two or three of his movies, I might have forgiven him. But seven?!? That doesn't make any sense. I mean, Cynthia Brimhall is clearly more talented than her. I guess I'm old fashioned. In that, I believe you should hire people based solely on talent.

As for Roberta Vasquez, I liked her in Picasso Trigger (if you remember correctly, I had a bit of a thing for her ample booty encased in leopard print tights), but have have slowly grown to dislike her; for one thing, her ample booty seemed to get less ample with every successive movie. I know, pretty outrageous. Nonetheless, so long, Roberta. Don't let the door hit you in your not quite as ample as it once was ass.

(I'm curious, with Cynthia Brimhall, Dona Speir, and Roberta Vasquez hanging up their g-strings for good, who's going to carry the Andy Sidaris flag into the mid-to-late '90s?) Oh, boy. Have I got a treat for you. (Don't tell me, it's Naida Albright, who plays "female commando"?) Nah, not her. Though, I will admit, she is one of the sexiest women to ever appear in an Andy Sidaris film. (Really?) Yeah, but more on her later. No, carrying the babes and bullets mantle into the future is  6' 1" Julie Strain, who basically acts as a gigantic breath of fresh air for the Andy Sidaris universe.

Injecting the franchise with the same villainous glee Teri Weigel and Devin DeVasquez brought to the table as brunette troublemakers who like metallic lingerie, yet Julie Strain seems to be more aware of her surroundings than her dark-haired sisters of villainy. (Huh?) What I mean is, she totally gets that these films are ridiculous. And the fact that she is aware of this, brings an extra level of camp to the proceedings.

Of course, before we can meet the saviour of the house that fake boobs built, we have to endure the sight of special agents Donna Hamilton (Dona Speir) and Nicole Justin (Roberta Vasquez)  bathing underneath a waterfall (yawn). When they're done doing that, Donna and Nicole put on the stupidest sunglasses they can find, grab their Uzis, and start to hunt a couple of masked men carrying automatic rifles. It turns out this is just an exercise; the masked men were fellow special agents Bruce Christian (Bruce Penhall) and Shane Abilene (Michael J. Shane). But Lucas (Tony Peck), their boss, has a nasty surprise for them when sicks a toy helicopter equipped with missiles on them (he scolds them for letting their guard down).

If you remember the Andy Sidaris film, Malibu Express, which came out in 1985, you'll recall that there's a reoccurring gag involving the fact that Cody Abilene is a lousy shot. Well, this is the eighth Andy Sidaris film in a row to feature the whole male members of the Abilene family can't shoot straight schtick. And since this probably the last time we'll see this bit in action, I just want to take the time to say, good riddance to one of the hokiest/lamest reoccurring gags in film history.

Meanwhile, at the KSXY studios, Ava (Ava Cadell), "your moonlight mistress," is steaming up the airwaves. (Hey, where's Becky Mullen?) Becky who? (You know, the attractive woman who periodically got out of a hot tub to get Ava coffee in Hard Hunted.) It would seem that she's been replaced with some chick named Sandy (Sandy Wild). Which, of course, makes no sense, as Becky Mullen is way hotter than this Sandy person.

After doing some early morning tai chi, we're finally introduced to Julie Strain. Playing Blu Steel, the world's premiere assassin, Julie is about to take out self-described super-villain Kane (Geoffrey Moore) in Las Vegas, when the tables are turned on her. Maybe she wouldn't have been so easily detected had she not decided to wear a black cat suit with metallic flourishes all over it  In fairness to her metallic flourishes, it seemed like Kane knew she was coming; his lead henchmen Burke (Brett Baxter Clark) and sexy sidekick Silk (Carolyn Liu) were waiting for her with their guns drawn. Anyway, instead of killing Blu Steel, Kane proposes that she come work for him; she was working for Po (Craig Ryan Ng), a rival super-villain who no likey Kane.

Assembling a meeting at the KSXY studios to discuss an upcoming mission, Lucas is about to start giving the agents their orders, when he notices that one of the chairs is empty. The lovely Edy Stark (Cynthia Brimhall) is apparently a bit late. Stumbling into the meeting with an adorable thud, Edy struggles to get to her seat. I'm not 100% sure, but I could have sworn I saw Donna and Nicole roll their eyes in response to Edy's clumsiness. The reason I'm not 100% sure is because for them to roll their eyes would require them to act. And, as everyone knows, Dona Speir and Roberta Vasquez couldn't act their way out of a poorly constructed bean-bag chair.

Whether they rolled their eyes or not, the looks on their unjustifiably smug faces as Edy awkwardly tried to compose herself made me angry. (You, angry? You never get angry.) Yeah, well, the sight of Donna and Nicole being indifferent to Edy's plight in Fit to Kill made me angry.

On the other hand, it caused me to admire Cynthia Brimhall even more. Think about it, it takes guts to for someone so aggressively attractive to allow themselves to appear foolish like that. I mean, you would never see Dona Speir or Roberta Vasquez leave themselves open to ridicule. Again, for them to do that would require a modicum of acting ability. Either way, here's to you, Cynthia Brimhall, and your unexpected comedic chops.

It just dawned on me: Am I still writing about this movie?

Okay, here's what I'm going to do. After doing a quick synopsis of the film's plot, I'm going to make a few profound observations, and then wrap things up.

Let's see, what's this film about? The Russian ambassador (Rodrigo Obregón), or, I should say, the ambassador of  The Commonwealth of Independent States (remember when that was something that actually existed?), is in Hawaii to be presented a large diamond by a local businessman named Chang (Aki Aleong), who acquired the diamond from a German World War II officer. And thanks to a surprisingly well put together flashback sequence, we learn that the diamond was stolen from a museum during the siege of Leningrad, and that German officer who took it gave it to Chang on his death bed (with instructions to give it back to the Russians). Anyway, as you might expect, Kane wants the diamond for himself. If you're thinking Kane simply wants the get his grubby hands on the diamond for greed-related purposes, think again.

In a shocking twist, we find out there's more to Kane than meets the eye. In fact, he somehow manages to weasel his way into becoming the most interesting character to ever appear in an Andy Sidaris film. And to think, all it took was two scenes that involved reciting some mild exposition. I wonder if Dona Speir, Roberta Vasquez, and the rest of these braindead chuckleheads realized that the son of Roger Moore was stealing their movie right from under their surgically-altered noses? Nah.

In Edy Stark news: She gets to sing a song at Chang's party (complete with a gown with a massive slit down the side and black nylons) and partakes in an impromptu photo shoot wearing a white lingerie, white heels and a white hat. Oh, and the less said about those tight gold pants, the better. Yeesh.

According to the trivia section of her IMDb page: Cynthia Brimhall is good friends with actress-singer Apollonia Kotero and considers one of her few vices to be a deep love of expensive lingerie.

As in Hard Hunted, Edy Stark and Lucas are targeted by bumbling assassins played by Richard Cansino and Chu Chu Malave, whose code names are "Evel" and "Kenevil" this time around.

There's moment in Fit to Kill that literally floored me. (The sight of the black suspenders attached Julie Strain's equally black garter-belt tearing across her intimidating backside?) No, it was the sight of Naida Albright, the lone female member in Po's elite squad of Red Chinese commandos. (Yeah, the part where she gets the jump on Donna Hamilton and kills that guy with a ninja star was pretty cool.) Yeah, those things were pretty cool. But I was actually referring to the fact that Naida Albright looked like a normal woman. What I mean is, she didn't have that "I'm a vapid Playboy model who has no business acting in movies" look about them. And because of this, I was naturally drawn to her. Of course, she's killed in a manner that was degrading (think of the scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indy kills that black turban guy wielding the sword), but I found her presence a refreshing reminder that not all women mindless are  bimbos.

Hard Hunted (Andy Sidaris, 1992)

If I saw Becky Mullen walking down the street, I would approach her--in, of course, the most sheepish manner possible--and tell her that she single-handedly restored my faith in Andy Sidaris, the writer-director of such classics as Picasso Trigger, Savage Beach and Guns. And let's say I did have the opportunity to speak with her, I think our encounter would have gone a little something like this: (Yum-Yum): Hey, Becky! (Becky): ??? (Yum-Yum): Becky! (Becky): ??? (Yum-Yum): Becky! (Becky): Get away from me, creep. (Yum-Yum): I will in a second, I just wanted to tell you that your performance in Hard Hunted was amazing. No, scratch that, it was...spectacular. Yes, it was spectacular! (Becky): Hard what? (Yum-Yum): You remember, Hard Hunted. You play Becky, the plucky intern/hot tub enthusiast at KSXY. (Becky): Oh, yeah. Don't I just stand around in a red bikini pouring coffee for most of that movie? (Yum-Yum): It's true, you do stand around a lot, and you do seem to pour a lot of coffee. But the way did both was so compelling, that I stripped down to my bra and panties and started to rock back and forth in the foetel position every time you appeared onscreen. (Becky): Is that a good thing? (Yum-Yum): I don't know, you tell me. (Becky): I'd rather not. (Yum-Yum): Yeah, it's probably better if you didn't. Either way, you ruled in this movie. (Becky): Thanks. (Yum-Yum): So, you wanna go get some beef jerky, maybe rent a Pauly Shore movie? I hear Son-in-Law is a real hoot. (Becky): Nah, I gotta go lance a boil. Maybe some other time. (Yum-Yum): Bye, Becky from Hard Hunted. You not only restored my faith in Andy Sidaris, but my faith in humanity. (Becky): Um, okay. Bye.

Why is Becky Mullen lancing boils, you ask? Well, in my world, Becky gave up acting/bikini modeling in the mid-90s to become a dermatologist who specializes in lancing boils. Anyway, after the debacle that was Do or Die, me and Andy Sidaris weren't exactly on speaking terms. After taking a bit of self-imposed Andy Sidaris sabbatical, I began to eyeball The Andy Sidaris Collection once again. Determined not to have a  repeat of what happened the last time I sat down to watch an Andy Sidaris film, I approached the next film on the docket with just right amount of caution.

My trepidation melted away almost immediately, as Andy Sidaris gives us two sexy babes in black stockings right out of the gate. However, the film is technically a continuation of what occurred in Do or Die. Meaning, secret agents Donna Hamilton (Dona Speir) and Nicole Justin (Roberta Vasquez) are still on the trail of a super-villain named Kane. The only difference being Kane is now played by Geoffrey Moore and the film takes place almost exclusively in Hawaii and Lake Havasu City. If you remember correctly, most of Do or Die was shot in the swamps of Louisiana. Don't get me wrong, I love the swamp, it's just not that conducive to bikini-clad action sequences.

On a yacht located somewhere off the coast of Hawaii, Silk (Carolyn Liu) and Mika (Mika Quintard) are busy putting on a lesbian lingerie show for the crotch-based benefit of their boss Kane, a man whose thirst for power and riches is almost as great as his thirst for hot chicks in black stockings. Excited to finally get his hands on a jade Buddha figurine, one that contains the trigger to a nuclear bomb, Kane is on well his way to getting the power and riches he desires so thirstily. (I don't know, he seems pretty powerful and rich already.) Yeah, but they always end up wanting more.

The only problem with Kane's plan is that Silk and Mika are both in cahoots with the federal government. That's right, they're spies. While Silk is deep undercover, Mika is only mildly so. Which means, it's up to Mika to steal the jade Buddha from Kane. With the help of a windsurfer named Cole (Buzzy Kerbox), Mika manages to get jade Buddha away from Kane.

Meanwhile, over in Molokai, Edy Stark (Cynthia Brimhall) is back doing what she does best: singing cheesy pop songs for braindead tourists.

Arriving at Edy's with a leggy authority, Ava (Ava Cadell) gets out of her yellow jeep, plants her left leg on the pavement with a ton of gusto, and proceeds to make her way to KSXY studios, a radio station located near of back of Edy's. I don't know 'bout you, but it was weird seeing someone so large-breasted act so leggy. At any rate, removing her leopard print sarong, to reveal a leopard print bikini, Ava, despite being born in Hungary, grabs the mic and starts uttering English words with a breathtaking ease. Am I crazy, or is Ava Cadell's command of the English language far greater than everyone else who appears in this film?

I hope you don't mind, but I just did a little research on Ava Cadell, and it says that she attended school in England and is the author of at least seven books. Hot damn! I knew there was something more to Ava Cadell than just her giant tits. You can tell just by listening to the way she talks that she's got a lot going on when it comes to thinking thoughts and junk.

On the opposite end of the thinking spectrum, there's Becky Mullen. Wait, that didn't come out right. She might think thoughts, but she doesn't exactly get a chance to think all that much in Hard Hunted. Nevertheless, Becky Mullen plays Becky, the, according to Shane Abilene (Michael J. Shane), "outrageously gorgeous," agent in training who spends most of the movie getting Ava coffee in a red bikini.

Don't forget, Becky shoots three beer cans off a fence using Shane's .44 magnum, gets a fax, and hoses down a radio antenna. Oh, yeah, she totally does those things.

I might get around to explaining why Becky needed to hose down the KSXY radio antenna or I might not. Let's see how the next few paragraphs go first, shall we?

If you're wondering where Mika's headed with the jade Buddha, she's been instructed by Ava and Edy to meet up with Donna Hamilton and Nicole Justin, whose buttcracks are currently being strangled by something called a "thong" in the wilds of Arizona. I know, skimpy swimwear and Arizona aren't exactly a natural fit--and judging by the way they're going to town on their respective buttcracks, neither are the thongs--but just go with it.

Do you think Kane is going to sit idly by and let some double-crossing bimbo steal his jade Buddha? Think again. Kane sicks Al Leong's Raven and his super-cool gyro on her ass.

You know how I was surprised by the sharpness of Ava Cadell's brain? Well, I wasn't surprised at all by Al Leong and his ability to rule. And believe me, Al Leong rules so hard in this movie, it's not even funny.

Okay, I'm think ready to explain why Becky was asked to hose down the KSXY radio antenna. Apparently water helps strengthen the antenna's signal. That seems plausible. And the reason it needed strengthening was because Ava was trying to relay a message to Donna, who was being held captive by Pico (Rodrigo Obregón), the eye-patch-sporting leader of a gang of smugglers. Only problem being, Donna has amnesia. (Oh, no. Does that mean Dona Speir is going to try to act?) I'm afraid so. And get this, Roberta Vasquez tries to act as well. (Oh, the humanity.)

Luckily, Chu Chu Malave and Richard Cansino show up just in time to negate Dona and Roberta's feeble attempt to stretch their acting muscles (they should stick to doing what they do best, and that is, nothing). Playing, what else, bumbling assassins, Chu Chu (Wiley) and Richard (Coyote) are hired by Kane to kill Edy and Lucas (Tony Peck, who has replaced William Bumiller as the head honcho). Using their ACME Hovercraft A33Z, Chu Chu and Richard, while not dressed in drag like they were in Guns, bring some much needed intentional comic relief to the proceedings, as their hit on Edy and Lucas doesn't exactly go as planned.

(What do you mean, "doesn't exactly go as planned"?) Well, let's just say, Lucas is a master fisherman and Edy has a nasty surprise lurking underneath her sarong.

In a rare misstep, Andy Sidaris' decision to include a love scene right smack-dab in the middle of the film's explosive finale was ill-conceived, as it ruined the flow of the movie. Actually, I think he might have included two love scenes during the explosive finale. Either way, they took me out of picture. Nevertheless, Hard Hunted is a definite improvement over the tepid Do or Die, as it contains all the ingredients I look for in an Andy Sidaris film. Now, if you'll excuse, I gotta go see Becky Mullen about getting a boil lanced.