The Dallas Connection (Christian Drew Sidaris, 1994)

Feeling charitable, writer/director/hapless fake tittie enthusiast, Andy Sidaris, after the debacle that was Enemy Gold, has elected to give his son, Christian Drew Sidaris, a second stab at writing and directing his own movie. And the result is pretty much the same old crap. But this time, there's a unique twist. You see, in The Dallas Connection... Hold on, who am I kidding? There's no unique twist. I was right the first time around, this is pretty much the same old crap. If that's the case, why the hell I'm watching this? I mean, I'm not contractually obligated or anything like that, so, what gives, man? Oh, I know why. I'm glutton for punishment and obviously a bit of a closet masochist. Either way, there's a ton of stuff to make fun of in this film. And not only that, the film features the Sidaris debut of Wendy Hamilton, a tall, shapely brunette with an erection amassing ass. Unfortunately, this film is also marks the Sidaris debut of Julie K. Smith, one of the most untalented women to ever to appear in an Andy Sidaris production. Hey, I know, that's a harsh thing to say, but some people need to be told they can't act. It's clear, however, that Andy Sidaris never got around to telling Julie K. Smith that she's a talentless hosebeast, as he, for some bizarre reason, decided to cast her in another two movies. That's right, I have to sit through two more movies with  this charisma-challenged dolt. Yeah, yeah, I technically don't have to do anything. But I might as well finish what I started.

It should be noted that Wendy Hamilton can't act, either. It's just that she looks somewhat natural compared to cosmetic freak show that is Julie K. Smith, and Samantha Phillips (also making her Sidaris debut), whose tits look like non-jiggling chunks of flesh-based polyurethane. My point being, Wendy stood out for me in terms of  being less awful.

Oh, and when I say, "can't act," I'm using my own personal criteria to assess their acting ability. In other words, I'm not judging them from some highfalutin, Stanislavski angle. All you have to do to impress me as an actor is say your lines in a semi-coherent manner, or, at the very least, talk in an exaggerated fashion, one that is on the cusp of being entertaining. However, I'm sad to report, Julie K. Smith, Wendy Hamilton and Samantha Phillips do not fit into either of these categories. They're simply terrible and shouldn't have made it past the audition stage.

Well, I would have still cast Wendy Hamilton. But in a non-speaking role. I mean, look her! Her bum is sublime. To deny the world the sight of Wendy's killer booty whilst ensnared in a thong/leotard (a thongtard?) or in a thong that is attached to some kind of lime green wetsuit would be a crime.

Let me quickly look over my notes regarding this film... Oh, man. It says here the film opens in Paris, France. Yes, the shots of famous Parisian landmarks were definitely authentic, but there's no way I'm buying that the bedroom where Julie Strain's Black Widow is putting a studded leather collar around the neck of a hunky French scientist is anywhere near France. I mean, check out the light coming through the window, it's so freaking bright. No, that light is way too harsh to be French. Things only get worse when we're shown the outside of the house Julie Strain and the French scientist guy are having sex in, as the house practically oozes suburban Dallas.

You think that's bad, wait until we're whisked off to South Africa and Hong Kong.

Wearing purple fishnet stockings, Black Widow has rough sex with the French scientist, then shoots him between the eyes. Picked up by Platter Puss (Cassidy Phillips), Black Widow is driven to an airplane hangar (totally in France), walks across said hangar (still totally wearing purple fishnet stockings), hops aboard a jet that is being flown by Fu (Gerald Okamura), and heads to Dallas, Big D, D-Town; but not before refueling in Newfoundland. Woo-hoo! Canada finally gets a shout out in an Andy Sidaris production.

After some stock footage, no doubt lifted from Wild Kingdom, we see Cobra (Julie K. Smith) blow up a South African scientist using a bomb attached to a remote control car. Jeez, the Sidaris's and their obsession with vapid chicks with fake tits and remote control cars and boats is starting to sap my strength.

The action soon turns to Hong Kong (complete with aerial stock footage of Victoria Harbour) where Scorpion (Wendy Hamilton) blows up a Chinese scientist on a golf course. This scene is great because it features lots of shots of Wendy Hamilton bending over in a short skirt.

As you might have guessed, Black Widow, Cobra and Scorpion are assassins. But why are they targeting scientists? That's a good question. Oh, wait, here comes Nicholas Lang (Roland Marcus), the leader of I/WAR (International World Arms Removal), I'm sure he'll explain everything.

Paired with an I/WAR agent named Samantha Maxx (Samantha Phillips), Nicholas explains the reason why these particular scientists were targeted while flying from Washington to Dallas. (How come everyone is flying to Dallas?) Excellent question. Wait, no it's not. The film is called "The Dallas Connection," not "The Penetanguishene Connection" for a reason.

Anyway, I can see why Roland Marcus was given the task of explaining the film's plot, as he's the only actor in the cast who can string more than two sentences together without pulling a brain muscle. I'm not implying he's a great actor or anything like that. But his lengthy, jargon-heavy monologue detailing the film's plot gets the job done.

Oh, sure, Samantha Maxx (her crossed legs sheathed in black stockings) chimes in every once in a while during Nicholas's monologue. But I didn't buy for a second that she knew what she was talking about. And, no, not because she's a woman, but because she's a clueless twit.

When Black Widow, with Platter Puss and Fu in tow, arrives in Dallas, she's heads straight for–you guessed it–Cowboys Club and Restaurant. And, yay! Would you look at that, Kym Malin is still the club's choreographer/night hostess.

Like me, Kym is watching Cobra and Scorpion practice their stripper routines while taking notes. Hmm, I wonder if Kym's notes are the same as mine? 

My notes basically say: Wendy Hamilton's bum is sexy. Julie K. Smith sucks.

A fourth scientist, an Argentine named Antonio Morales (Rodrigo Obregón) is in Dallas, and obviously needs protecting.

Anyone know why the flag of Zambia is flying outside a building in Dallas, Texas? Could it be the headquarters of The Zambia Association of Dallas Fort-Worth (ZADFW)? Call me, oh, let's say, someone who is not of sound mind, but the sudden appearance of the Zambian flag is so far the only thing that's remotely intriguing about The Dallas Connection.

After Black Widow, Platter Puss and Fu pay a visit to the I/WAR headquarters, the dead bodies they leave in their wake are taken care of by Coroner #1 (Larry Hicks) and Coroner #2 (Ken Meeks). Now, I'm not sure which is which, but one of these guys utters the best lines in the entire movie.

Yeah, yeah, I know, Julie Strain's "After you finish with those guys, rape these bitches and kill 'em... I know I would," is pretty great and all, but the actor playing the coroner who says, "Billy Joe, you better bring more tape... this boy is huge," while marking the outline of one of the dead bodies is hilarious. His delivery, in terms of comic timing, was spot-on. Of course, as is the case with most of the actors who display anything close to resembling talent in these films, he's never seen or heard from again. Boo!

Instead, we're saddled with a bunch of no-talent ass-clowns. Like, Bruce Penhall, who, at one point, says, "look lady," to Kym Malin's Cowboys choreographer/night hostess. Can you believe that? The nerve of this guy. I wanted to eat his taint for breakfast and not leave a tip after he said that.

And things only get worse, as Bruce Penhall says, "You should have read your fortune cookie," after blowing up Gerald Okamura with his grenade launcher. When I heard him say that, I nearly keeled over. (Did you nearly keel over as a result of being outraged? Or did you nearly keel over as a result of laughing too hard?) Let's just say I was genuinely shocked by the scene's casual racism. Whether I laughed or not... I'll never tell.

This film would turn out to be the last of this type to be written and directed by Christian Drew Sidaris, as his father Andy gets back in the director's chair for the next two adventures (yay?). And, yep, that's right, there are only two left (yay!).

Enemy Gold (Christian Drew Sidaris, 1993)

The debate I had with myself over whether or not I should include Enemy Gold (a.k.a. Opération panthère noire), co-written and directed by Christian Drew Sidaris, in my unnecessarily exhaustive examination of Andy Sidaris' filmography was truly epic. Massively epic. Exceedingly epic. You get get the idea? Good. Nonetheless, I think the moment I uttered the words, "co-written and directed by Christian Drew Sidaris," was when everyone out there got clued in as to why the debate was so freakin' intense. Is this an Andy Sidaris film? It's included in the reasonably priced "Girls, Guns and G-Strings: The Andy Sidaris Collection." That's true, but this particular film isn't written or directed by Andy Sidaris (the man responsible for classics such as Guns, Picasso Trigger, Savage Beach and Fit to Kill), it was, like I've said twice already, co-written and directed by Christian Drew Sidaris, Andy's son. When I noticed that Andy and his wife Arlene Sidaris were listed as producers, I started to think: As long as there's a Sidaris behind the camera, it's still an Andy Sidaris film. And while I won't say the decision to watch Enemy Gold was the smartest decision I've ever made, I will say this: I didn't completely regret the decision after the end credits began to roll.

Boasting the same formula that has driven every Andy Sidaris production that preceeded it, the film has fake boobs, guns and explosions. In other words, the formula hasn't been tampered with. Technically, this film is the first Andy Sidaris production to not feature Dona Speir as its star. Which is a good thing. But don't forget, it's also the first Andy Sidaris production without the gorgeous Cynthia Brimhall. Which is a bad thing.

How will the house that fake boobs and terrible acting built survive such a monumental shake-up in its cast? It's simple, really, hire more bimbos. Wait, that didn't come out right. What I meant to say is, grab a Playboy Magazine (nothing older than a year), open it to any random page, and point. And looks like, Suzi Simpson, Playboy's Playmate of the Month for January, 1992, and Tanquil Lisa Collins, Playboy model and the former Miss Virginia USA, 1983, are the one's they pointed at.

Now, did they ask them if they could recite scripted dialogue in a semi-convincing manner or express various types of emotions on cue before casting them? Who am I kidding? Of course they didn't. They were willing to appear onscreen without their clothes on and that's that. Though, I have to wonder, why no bush? I mean, out of all the Andy Sidaris movies I've watched over the past couple of years, I don't think I've seen a single vagina. I know, it's pretty distressing.

Nonetheless, while their acting isn't quite up to par in terms of being even remotely adequate, they are attractive, I'll give them that. Which, I guess, is all that really matters at the end of the day. I don't know why, but just the mere act of writing that last sentence has managed to fill my heart.with sadness.

You see what you have done, Mr. Sidaris, you have reduced me to a sniveling mouth-breather who only wants to watch movies that feature attractive people doing dumb shit in and around Dallas, Texas.

Ugh, listen to me, I sound like such a baby. Mwah, I don't like fake boobs. Boo-hoo, I'm not a big fan of awful acting. Wah, wah, I think films should be competently made. Give it a rest.

Speaking of awful acting, Enemy Gold possesses what has to be one of the worst line readings I've ever heard audibly expressed in a motion picture. In fact, forget about all that talk about debating with myself whether or not I should classify this as an Andy Sidaris film or not. When I heard the delivery of this particular line, my eyes lit up and I said to myself: Oh, I'm definitely reviewing this film. And get this, the line is uttered by someone who I consider to be one of the sexiest women ever to appear in an Andy Sidaris-produced motion picture.

What's that? You want me to tell you who I'm talking about? Oh, I'm sorry, I was just trying to build up the suspense. Actually, the real reason I'm stalling is that I'm not quite sure who performed the horrendous line reading. I know, it's crazy. But that's what happens when you list your characters as "Dancer #1" and "Dancer #2" in the closing credits.

Is it safe to assume that because the stripper on the right has more lines than the stripper on the left, that she would be known as "Dancer #1." You know what? Since I can't find any other way to tell them apart, I'm officially declaring Stacy Lynn Brown to be the actress who utters the worst line reading in movie history.

I promise to go into more detail about the line reading in question later on. In meantime, let's discuss the ins and outs of Enemy Gold, shall we? Opening in 1865, during a battle in the American Civil War, we follow two Confederate soldiers, who are riding through the woods on horseback. Did they fight any major battles in Texas during the American Civil War? Nevertheless, the two soldiers are carrying gold bars they stole from the Yankees. Unable to continue, one of the soldiers, the one who isn't wounded, buries the gold by a tree and marks the spot by plunging a knife into said tree.

Flash-forward to moderns times, and we're in the parking lot of Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport. Suddenly, a pair of female legs attached to a pair of white pumps appear onscreen. Testing the integrity of the pavement of  Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport parking lot, the white pumps grind into the asphalt using the classic heel toe method. I gotta hand it to him, Sidaris Jr. definitely knows a thing or two about how to win this viewer over, as I'm loving these pervy camera angles.

Sure, the Civil War opening was a bit of a drag, but the shot of Suzi Simpson's legs making their way to a white Corvette parked in the Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport parking lot definitely made up for it.

After watching her drive for awhile, Suzi Simpson eventually arrives at her destination. The building she breaks into boasts two male federal agents. Managing to subdue one of the male agents, Suzi Simpson grabs his gun. Unfortunately, she is unable to subdue the other one. It doesn't matter, though, because the federal agent she subdued is Chris Cannon (Bruce Penhall), a former flame, and the one she couldn't subdue, that's Mark Austin (Mark Barriere).

The first thing that struck me about these two guys is their aversion to sleeves. The second thing is... Oh, wait, there is no second thing. You see, for there to be a second thing to strike me, their characters would have to fleshed out a bit more. And believe me, they're not fleshed out at all.

The cool thing about Suzi Simpson is that her character's name is Becky Midnite. On the downside, however, her fake breasts not only mitigate her legginess, they don't match her body type. Did I mention that Becky Midnite is a federal agent, too? I didn't? Well, she totally is.

I liked when it Becky says, "Sounds like an old boyfriend," after Chris tells her the arrows for the crossbow he is holding explode three seconds after penetration. You get it? It's a double entendre. This film has plenty of them, but that one was my favourite, as it implies that Chris' penis ejaculates sperm three seconds after it has penetrated a vagina. Ha! Ha! You can't control the implementation of your orgasm.

It's a good thing Becky Midnite showed up when she did, as Chris and Mark are about to take down some drug dealers. Using Becky, who has since changed into a pair of cut-off jean shorts and a black tank top, as a diversionary tactic, Chris and Mark poke around a barn filled with watermelons that are stuffed with bags of cocaine, while she flirts with a shotgun-wielding henchman.

A decisive gun battle takes, one that ends with Becky using the crossbow whose arrows explode three seconds after penetration; I knew there was a reason they were talking so much about that crossbow.

Killing two henchmen and capturing another two, you would think Chris, Mark and Becky's superiors would be quite pleased by this turn of events. Wrong! The aptly named Dickson (Alan Abelew) is actually very upset that he wasn't informed of this action, and promises to report them to Washington.

Okay, I've stalled long enough. Here comes the scene. Dancing on the stage at Cowboy's Club and Restaurant are two of the hottest strippers I have ever seen. Only, they're not really stripping, they're learning how to strip. And get this, personal fave and Sidaris regular, Kym Malin, is the one teaching them how. Overseeing this on the job training is the owner of the club, Santiago (Rodrigo Obregón), who is watching their every move.

If the white lacy suspender-hose get-up Angela Wright (a.k.a. Dancer #2) is wearing looks familiar, that's because Cynthia Brimhall wears the exact same outfit in Do or Die. Now, I don't want to get into an argument with myself over who looked better in said outfit. But I will say this, Angela Wright has the sexiest legs to ever appear in the Sidaris universe.

After getting in a heated discussion with Dickson, who, to the surprise of no one, is on Santiago's payroll, over the watermelon/cocaine debacle (Dickson is supposed to prevent such things from happening), the "two-bit Bolivian drug dealer who thinks he's Al Capone" (Dickon's words, not mine), heads backstage to unwind.

Asking Kym Malin, who is brushing her hair, "Where are the girls?," she tells him they're in the shower. Pulling the shower curtain open, Stacey Lynn Brown turns around and says, "What's up?," to which Santiago replies, "I am." Now, as far as double entendres go, it's not the greatest. What is great, however, is how mind-bogglingly terrible Stacy's delivery of the line, "What's up?

While most people probably watch the threesome that transpires between Santiago and the two dancers in the shower over and over again. I, on the other hand, must have played Stacy's "What's up?" ten times in a row. Of course, I am, in no way, blaming Stacy for this line reading fiasco. Someone, like, say, the director, should have stepped in and helped Stacy deliver the line more effectively.

Tired of getting his lucrative illegal drug business thrown off track by a trio of meddling federal agents, Santiago enlists the help of an assassin named Jewel Panther, who, of course is played the amazing Julie Strain. As much as these films suck, I always look forward to seeing Julie Strain. Whether head-butting losers outside cowboy-themed strip bars or blowing up park rangers while wearing leopard-print bikinis, Julie Strain never fails to deliver the goods.

Let me quickly check to make sure I didn't forget anything, 'cause I want to wrap this thing up. Oh, Tanquil Lisa Collins (a.k.a. Tai Collins) plays Ava Noble, Chris, Mark and Becky's boss in Washington, D.C. She wears black stockings, lounges in nighties, and talks tough in business clothes. (Is that it?) Yep, it looks like it.