The Sect (Michele Soavi, 1991)

It's all Soavi, all the time, and I'm lovin' it. You could say that my brain is now officially a citizen of the U.S.S.R. Get it? My cranial allegiances are now squarely with the United Soavi Socialists Republics. Wow. You noticed that the name, "Soavi," the surname of the writer-director of The Sect, the latest mind-scrambler from Michele Soavi (Stage Fright), sort of sounded like "Soviet," and you somehow manged to tie them together. Very clever. No, seriously. I'm impressed. It's not everyday you come across someone who is openly willing to point out the similarities between "Soavi" and "Soviet." But here you are, doing exactly that. I must say, I commend your dedication to your craft. Okay, that's enough praise for one day. Let's focus our attention on The Sect, shall we? Word on the street says that it's got mischievous bunny rabbits and surprisingly chic grey blazers that were both, get this, purchased on a German teacher's salary. Oh, yeah, there's a movie to write about, and a delightfully fucked up one at that. First things first, was it wrong to feel gladness in my tum tum when a bunch of hippies are murdered by a gang of devil worshipers in the California desert in the early 1970s? Really? So, you're saying that's the correct thing to feel. That's a relief. I mean, here I was, feeling guilty about being all glad and junk that an entire commune of hippies, including their annoying children, were sacrificially slaughtered by the aforementioned Satanists. But it turns out, it's completely natural to want hippies to be murdered. What about bunny rabbits, is it okay to want them to die as well? That's a little more tricky. You see, humans care more about animals than they do people, so you better careful. Besides, bunny rabbits bring joy to millions, while everyone hates hippies. Just kidding about the over the top hippie animosity. In reality, I'm indifferent to their earth tone promoting, headband-friendly lifestyle.
 

 

I did, however, wind up developing an intense dislike for the hippies that appear in the opening scene of The Sect. I don't know, there was something about the way they implemented their hippie-centric point-of-view that rubbed me the wrong way. Taking the living on the land thing to whole new level of obnoxiousness, the hippies communing with nature in this flick are visited by a hirsute Rolling Stones fan. Reciting the lyrics to "Sympathy For The Devil" (I heard the Laibach version first, so I view it more as a Laibach song), Damon (Tomas Arana), a Christ-like stranger wanders into their patchouli-drenched fold. The fact that Damon doesn't seem visibly irked by the hippie woman who insisted on guessing the name of the Stones' song he was reciting in a menacing spoken word fashion was odd because I desperately wanted to tell her to shut her gaping pie hole.
 

 

Don't worry her pie hole won't tasting any pies where she's going. Wait a minute. That doesn't make a lick of sense. What I think you meant to say was: Her pie hole has tasted its last pie, as Damon and his bike-riding, devil worshiping friends slaughter them without mercy (some have their faces ripped clean off and tossed in a nearby  campfire). Yep, I'm afraid, on top of pies, these hippies have painted their last boob, destroyed their last clock (time is an artificial construct, man), as they all fall victim to a, and I quote, "blood thirsty demonic sect."
 

 

Flash-forward to 1991, Frankfurt, Germany, where a nondescript woman is window shopping one moment, and the next she's being stabbed to death by Giovanni Lombardo Radice; isn't it weird how these things happen? Anyway, caught carrying her heart on the subway (a pickpocket inadvertently tries to steal it), Giovanni flees the train only to end up cornered by police. Realizing that he's got nowhere to go, Giovanni shoots himself with one of the policeman's guns.
 

 

Meanwhile, in another, less gruesome part of town, a mysterious old man (Herbert Lom) is preparing for a trip. It would seem that he's not coming back, as he let's his canary out of its cage and mumbles to himself: "It is time at last. It is time." Time for what, I don't know. But you know it's going to involve some seriously weird shit. Seemingly oblivious to the news reports blasting from a portable television being watched by the other passengers pertaining to the recent slaying, a slaying that's been connected to a series of killings that revolve around the aforementioned blood thirsty demonic sect, the old man, clutching a package, rides the bus with a purposeful placidity.
 

 

"Don't touch my package!" He screams at his fellow bus riders as they attempt to help him when he starts to convulse. I'm no detective, but I think there's something important in that package of his. Either way, after putting in some strange eye drops, the old man seems fine. At a rest stop, the other passengers are getting snacks and relieving themselves. But not the old man. No, he's standing in the middle of the road. He seems to be waiting for someone. But who? Who could he be waiting for at a random rest stop? As expected, the old man is nearly run down by a woman wearing a grey suit.
 

 

Now lying in the middle of the road, the old man eventually opens his eyes only to find that there are a bunch of people standing around him. Feeling terrible about what happened, Miriam Kreisl (Kelly Curtis), the woman driving the car that almost hit him, offers to take him to her house to rest. That's right, Miriam, an attractive woman who rocks a grey pencil skirt with a matching jacket like nobody's business, just offered to take a dishevelled old man carrying a strange package home with her.
 

 

I don't think this is a good idea, Miriam. What? You don't care. Fine, don't listen to me. But don't come crying to me if you wake up with mealworms coming out of your ears.
 

 

We get a great shot of Miriam's grey suit as she's making tea in the kitchen. What the fuck? You're making tea for him?!? Are you blind? He's up to no good. Look at him!
 

 

Despite my objections, Miriam welcomes the old man into her home, which, get this, he says is very familiar. You see, right there. That's a definite red flag. Very familiar my ass. Introducing him to her nameless bunny, a bunny that will be surprisingly integral to the film's plot later on, Miriam and the old man relax in the living room to discuss life and the Rolling Stones. Hold on. Isn't that the same band the guy from the 1970s...I'm way ahead of you.
 

 

Holy crap! She's letting him spend the night. I'm surprised she didn't let him sleep in her bed. What's this? The old man is opening his package. This can't be good. Okay, he's now walking upstairs. Again, nothing good can come from this. Standing over Miriam, who's snug as a bug, the old man starts to fiddle with something. It's funny you should say, "snug as a bug," because the old man is putting a live insect on her face. Oh, look. The insect just crawled up Miriam's nose.
 

 

As the insect makes its way through Miriam's nasal cavity, we're zapped into her subconscious. Containing a lush field covered with red flowers, Miriam's brain might seem like paradise. But lurking underneath all that berenyian lushness lies something sinister. While Miriam was doing the whole exploring her dream realm in a nightgown thing (watch out, that giant bird wants to peck your neck), it suddenly dawned on me that Kelly Curtis has an electrifying screen presence. And, get this, she spends most of the movie in a drab grey suit. I would definitely put Kelly Curtis' performance in The Sect in the same category as Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby and Catherine Deneuve in Repulsion in terms of frazzled white women in peril.
 

 

After the old man opens a secret door in Miriam's basement (a door Miriam had no idea existed), the film's surreal plot starts to thicken. A young doctor named Frank (Michel Adatte) and Miriam's friend Kathryn (Mariangela Giordano from Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror), a fellow teacher, are soon added to the mix. And just in time, as Miriam needs all the help she can get in order to maintain her sanity. A demonic wash cloth with a mind of its own is turning people into raving lunatics, Miriam's water has blue slime in it (check out the "pipe cam" scene, as we follow the bluish water to the tap), pesky Asian women who randomly show up in her German basement (Coming this Fall to FOX: There's an Asian Woman in My German Basement - starring Brenda Song and Franke Potente), and her pet bunny watches television (and I don't mean it simply stares at the television, it uses the remote to change the channels and everything).   
 

 

You know for sure that things are about to go off the rails when Carla Cassola shows up as Dr. Pernath, an understatedly leggy surgeon/Satanist who sort of looked like an Italian version of Helen Mirran. I don't know, there was something about her that practically screamed cult member. Sure, she's got a wrist tattoo to prove she's in league with Satan, but her greyish bob hairstyle and affinity for white nylons were dead giveaways as far as I'm concerned.
 

 

I loved the face ripping hooks, the giant stork, the necessary close-up of Miriam's nylon encased feet, the creepy well in Miriam's German basement (you know, the one that is replete with Asian ladies), the morgue scene, and the shot of Kelly Curtis' climbing out of a wrecked car in a torn nightie. I love them all. But what I don't understand is, why do the sect members seem shocked, especially the old man, when Miriam doesn't act enthusiastic when it comes time to ask her to join their demonic club. You can't expect a grown woman, one who has a sweet teaching gig that allows her to wear grey suits on a daily basis, to suddenly fall head over heels for Satan. It doesn't make any sense. I mean, you would think they'd have planned a little better. After all, they've had thousands of years to prepare. But that's just a minor quibble. In the grand scheme of things, The Sect is yet another awesome helping of Italian made crazy, one that repeatedly fingered my sweet spot.

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The Church (Michele Soavi, 1989)

You're raging ball of adorableness named Asia Argento, you're fourteen, no, wait, you're fifteen, yeah, fifteen years old, and you have a choice: Either you can hang out in a moldy Gothic church with your equally moldy parents, or go clubbing in striped tights. Damn, that's a tough one. Just kidding. The correct answer is: Clubbing. Okay, before I continue, I'm curious: When do you think Asia Argento is going to turn eighteen? The only reason I ask is that I wanna be able to monitor the amount of creepiness I put out there when talking about a teenage Asia Argento prancing about in Michele Soavi's The Church, the supernatural follow up to his amazing debut, Stage Fright, the best slasher film ever to feature a chainsaw-wielding maniac wearing a giant owl head. You see, I don't want to come off as a creep. Yet, I don't want to stifle my true self, either. That's not to say that my true self is a creep. On the contrary, I just don't want to be hamstrung by the square values of others. So, without further ado, I do solemnly swear that Asia Argento's innate cuteness will not be ignored over the course of this review. That being said, I also promise that I will not cross the imaginary line that dictates what is appropriate and what is inappropriate when waxing about the smoothness of Asia's soon to be sexy knees. Hey, isn't Asia Argento related to director Dario Argento, who is credited as one of the screenwriters on this movie? Good idea. Let's talk about that. Yeah, she is related to him. She's the daughter of director Dario Argento and actress Daria Nicolodi (Delirium: Photo of Gioia). Isn't that nepotism? I guess. But even at such a young age, it's clear that Asia has talent. How can you tell? Well, for one thing, you can see it in her eyes. While most actresses are devoid of anything close to resembling a personality, Asia Argento's aura is literally oozing five buckets worth of charm-aligned spunk at any given moment.
 

 

It's a good thing Asia's got spunk, because it would seem that Barbara Cupisti forgot to bring any of her precious spunk; the same spunk that served her so well in the giant owl head movie. Sure, her character can jump through a window without getting as much as a scratch, but what kind of final girl allows herself to be violated by a sexually active goat demon on a concrete slab in the basement of a Gothic cathedral that is about to collapse? I'll tell you what kind, the kind that don't make wisecracks right before they perform the coup de grâce on the film's primary antagonist. Besides, there's no-one to crack wise to in The Church, as the evil in this film doesn't even have a physical body.
 

 

Supposedly going all the way back to the days when the Teutonic Knights ruled Europe with a spiky-gloved fist, the malevolent force in this film has been patiently waiting to return to the land of the living. Opening with a group of said knights galloping through the forest, we're quickly sucked into their bloody, evil-vanquishing world. Ordered to murder the entire population of a small medieval village (don't be fooled by their big grey eyes), the knights (their helmets adorned with cross-shaped eye-slits) make short work of the peasants (stabbing and slicing their way through everyone in sight). After the slaughter has finished, we're whisked away to a large makeshift burial pit, where a mass grave is being prepared.
 

 

When some of the dead bodies start to twitch, a dude wearing a robe begins to freak out. It would seem that the peasants are in fact in league with the Devil. In order to placate their revenge, the ground is blessed and a church is built on top of their burial pit. And not just any church, a large, Gothic-style cathedral; the kind that will someday attract Hungarian tourists.
 

 

Oh, and before the ground is blessed (a large cross is placed on top of the burial mound), a knight comes across a survivor wearing a wicker mask. When the knight removes the survivor's mask, it turns out to be a young girl. And not only that, the young girl is played by none other than Asia Argento. I don't know about you, but I sure hope this isn't the extent of Asia's role in The Church, 'cause it's implied that the knight stabs her with a spear.
 

 

Anyway, flash-forward to modern times, well, sort they're of modern, it's the late 1980s, and we get a first hand look at the church; it has pews, priests, a yuppie librarian, frescoes, and an elderly bishop. In other words, it's your avenge place of worship. However, we know something sinister rumbling underneath its so-called hallowed ground. Actually, I have a feeling the bishop (Feodor Chaliapin Jr.) knows about the rumblings as well, as he looks like he's hiding something. Or maybe that's just his normal demeanour; after all, he is old as fuck.
 

 

A sense of relief washes over me, as the next thing we see is Asia Argento's Lotte watching Evan (Tomas Aranas) the church's new librarian, arrive for his first day on the job. Spotting her hiding behind a desk, Evan introduces himself to Lotte, the daughter of Hermann (Roberto Corbiletto), the church's sacristan. Of course, the bishop interrupts them, and proceeds to scold Evan for being late. While the bishop is giving a lame ass sermon, we're also introduced to the church's reverend (Giovanni Lombardo Radice), Father Gus (Hugh Quarshie), and Lisa (Barbara Cupisti), the woman who's in charge of restoring the church's many frescoes.
 

 

Since Lotte is a tad on the young side, Evan hits on Lisa instead; he even pretends to care about the cracks she's trying to fill. Now, you would think the film is going to be chiefly about Evan and Lisa, and the relationship that develops between them as they attempt to decipher an ancient parchment. If you think that, you're partially right, as the film does follow their quest solve the church's many mysteries. But the film is nowhere near being that cut and dry.
 

 

Take, for instance, the scenes where Lotte sneaks out of the church at night, utilizing a secret passage that only she knows about, in order to go clubbing. They give us some great insight into what it must feel like to be a girl on the verge of womanhood. You know how I'm always saying how if I could come back as anyone, I would wanna come back as Mischa Barton when she was a teenager? Well, I think I'm ready to move on and openly declare that I now want to be an adolescent Asia Argento. Call me an unctuous blob of fatty acid, but I think I could accomplish so much more as an underage Asian Argento than I ever could as a juvenile Miss Mischa Barton. At least that's the vibe I picked up as I watched Asia saunter down the street in her skimpy, new wave-friendly black dress.
 

 

They may not show where she's going in that skimpy, new wave-friendly black dress (on top of being skimpy, it's shoulderless, too), but you can tell that teenage Asia Argento totally means business.
 

 

You know who doesn't like Asia Argento's skimpy, new wave-friendly black dress? Her sacristan father, that's who. In fact, he actually slaps her after he smells booze and cigarette smoke on her. Wait a minute, he slapped her? I know, what an asshole. Well, what do you expect from a sacristan?
 

 

While Lisa is busy reading Fulcanelli, Evan's making some serious inroads with the ancient parchment. All he has do to is find the "stone with seven eyes" and he should be well on his way. Oh, and how many of you thought Evan's attempt to get Lisa to read Fulcanelli was just a ploy to distract her? I wonder. Well, don't wonder for too long, because Evan's already started to snoop around in the church's eerie labyrinth of subterranean tunnels and caverns.
 

 

The jump scare that accompanies the snooping scene where Evan kneels in front of the stone with the seven eyes caused me to do just that, jump while slightly scared. I don't know, I guess I didn't expect the bag he finds to contain what it contained. The "jump scare," while an important horror ingredient, nothing gets my motor running more than a well-executed music cue. And The Church has the mother of all music cues. Clearly shaken by "the bag incident," Evan is struggling to come to grips with what has happened to him. His speech is slurred and his appearance dishevelled, Evan reaches into his chest and pulls out his heart. As he's lifting his still beating heart aloft in triumph (the sky has since turned blood red), Martin Goldray's version of Philip Glass' "Floe" begins to percolate on the soundtrack. The camera suddenly begins to zoom through streets with a lightening speed. A point-of-view tour of the city after dark set to the music of Philip Glass, it doesn't get anymore awesome than this. Or does it?
 

 

What could possibly be more awesome than a super-fast tour of an European city set to the music of Philip Glass? Don't look now, but Asia Argento is wearing striped tights. All right, try to remain calm. Yeah, but, she's wearing...I know what she's wearing. Just relax for a second. What you need to do is take a deep breath. Okay, I'm good. Are you sure? Yeah, let's do this. In the long, storied history of striped tights in movies, never has a pair of striped tights caused so much inner turmoil within the fetish community. Appearing briefly for a only few seconds (I know, what a gyp), Asia Argento's striped tights in The Church are on par with Samantha Mathis' striped tights in Pump Up the Volume. Holy crap! I can't believe you just went there. Oh, I went there. You realize that Samantha Mathis in Pump Up the Volume is the gold standard in which all instances where striped tights are worn in movies are judged. Yeah, I'm well aware of the legacy of Samantha Mathis' striped tights. It's just that I was blown away by the fact that Asia Argento and Samantha Mathis were both wearing striped tights at around the same time (both movies were filmed in 1988-89).
 

 

I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but while you were going on about striped tights, Lisa was attacked by a sexually active goat demon. Yeah, so what? I guess you have a point. Either way, don't expect find any sympathy from Evan. Why not? Well, for one thing, he's probably the sexually active goat demon in question. Besides, check out the dress Asia Argento is currently wearing. Aww, c'mon, man. You just did a whole bit about her, what was it? Oh, yeah, her "skimpy, new wave-friendly black dress, and, not to mention, her black and white striped tights. I know, but this dress is made from a print that features a map of Europe. Really? Yeah, the shoulder is covered with the Balkans. You heard right, the Balkans! How fucking chic is that? Okay, I'll admit. That's pretty fucking chic.
 

 

What the Hell? Evan is scoping Asia's, I mean, Lotte's legs in the church's library while she's painting his fingernails and listening to music on something called a "walkman." I know he's since turned into a sexually active goat demon and all, and scoping adolescent Asia Argento gams is par for the course for sexually active goat demons. But show some respect, Evan. She's only fifteen. Sure, she'll be eighteen in three years, two, if you pretend she's sixteen, one, if you, well, you get the idea. But still, try to muster a little self-control. Oh, and you know how I knew Evan had been removed from his gourd? He stopped brushing his floppy bangs out of his face. Lax bang management is one of the tell tale signs that someone has become possessed by a sexually active goat demon (look it up).
 

 

Since no-one wants to watch a bunch of priests being harrowed by an unseen entity lurking underneath a Gothic cathedral, a group of children on a school trip, a pair of bickering bikers, an elderly couple (who bicker just as much as the bickering bikers do), and the members of a bridal photo shoot, including a "bridal model" (Antonella Vitale), are added to the mix to give the film's insane finale an added kick in the pants. Trapped inside the church (the cathedral has a built-in security system), these people slowly become the focus of the movie as the characters of Evan, Lisa, and even Lotte, to a certain degree, take a backseat to these frightened newcomers. That being said, we do get to finally see Asia Argento in a nightclub setting during this period in the film; I can't tell you how pleased I was by this brief yet important scene. At any rate, as the temple of flesh (a tower made out of human bodies) began to rise from the depths of Hell, it dawned on me that this film is yet another glorious example of unchecked Italian insanity. I mean, you just can't find this level of crazy anywhere else. Don't believe me? A character at one point commits suicide with a jack hammer. 'Nuff said.
 

 

What do you mean that's not enough said? Okay, fine. A veiled public service announcement on the dangers of church-going, The Church is the film to watch for all your teenage Asia Argento needs.

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