Scenes from the Goldmine (Marc Rocco, 1987)

Do we really need another movie to tell us that the music industry is full of assholes? Since I'm the only one here at the moment, I'll go ahead and answer that question myself. No, we do not. We do, however, need more movies that star the amazing Catherine Mary Stewart, an actress who you might know from Night of the Comet, Nightflyers, Dudes, etc... Oh, and The Apple! (God, how could I forget The Apple?) And Scenes from the Goldmine provides us with more C.M.S. than all those other movies combined. (Even more than The Apple?) Oh, you better believe it. This film is the ultimate C.M.S. experience. Sure, it's premise is basically this: The music industry sucks. But nothing is gonna stop me from enjoying the sight of Catherine Mary Stewart playing keyboards in winklepicklers alongside... (Wait a second. Did you just say, winklepickers?) Yeah, so? (How are you so calm right now?) Trust me, I'm not calm. In fact, my mind is racing like a cocaine-fueled tornado. When the camera zooms in on Catherine's multi-buckle winklepickers while her band was jamming at a local bar at their rehearsal space, I had to stop watching for a minute, as my psyche suddenly found itself inundated with pure, pointy-footed pleasure.

As far as I'm concerned, there's no other type of footwear on the planet that brings me more joy than winklepickers. Okay, creepers make me smile as well. But when it comes right down to it, I'm a winklepicker man through and through. Always have been, always will be.

Of course, I own pair of winklepickers myself. Unfortunately, due to financial constraints, I could only afford a pair of winklepickers that sport two buckles. Don't feel too sorry for me, my two buckle winklepickers and I have had some pretty good times together. It's just that I feel that I could have had an even better time if my winklepickers had more buckles.

Anyway, what caused me to react so intensely to the sight of Catherine Mary Stewart's winklepickers was the fact that they had [are you sitting down?] six(!) buckles (that's a total of twelve all-together). When I would dream about owning a pair of winklepickers that had more than two buckles, I would usually stop at four buckles. So, as you might expect, the sight of C.M.S. wearing a pair with six... (Yeah, yeah, you like pointy, goth-friendly footwear.) You don't understand, they're very important to me.

Besides, I'm sure everyone would rather listen to me bather on and on about winklepickers, than listen to me describe the plot of this toothless jab at the music industry. Yes, people who work for record labels are terrible human beings. We get it.

While it's true, the film, written and directed by Marc Rocco, does cover a lot of familiar territory, it does have a few nice twists here and there. The biggest one being that Niles Dresden (Cameron Dye) of Niles Dresden and The Pieces is just as big of a phoney as the music execs.

To an outsider, the red flags should have started waving immediately. But I guess Debi DiAngelo (Catherine Mary Stewart) was too awestruck by Niles' mega-mullet to think clearly. I mean, the way Niles and the boys, Dennis Lameraux (Timothy B. Schmidt) on bass, and Kenny Bond (John Ford Coley) on drums, fired Stephanie (Pamela Springsteen), their previous keyboard player, should have sent alarm bells ringing in Debi's head. But like I said, his mega-mullet is pretty persuasive.

I know, how can an overgrown clump of hair cause someone to lose touch with reality? It's simple, really, the clump in question is flowing from the back of the head attached to Cameron Dye (Valley Girl), a man whose sharp bone structure could moisten even the most obdurate of panties.

Of course, I don't mean to imply that Debi's new wave panties are soaking wet after successfully auditioning to be the band's new keyboard player. I'm just saying her judgment must have been hampered somewhat. As the quote that opens the film says, "A good girl falls for a wild one every time."

Now that Debi is a fully-fledged member of the Pieces, Harry (Steve Railsback, Lifeforce), the band's manager and Niles' brother, get them a gig at a local club, where Manny Ricci (Joe Pantoliano), an artists and repertoire man for Rush Records, will apparently be in attendance.

Even though the song they play, "Listen To My Heartbeat," is a non-threatening slab of banal mid-80s pop rock if I ever heard one, the band still manages to impress Manny, who tells them to basically keep at it.

After having dinner with her drug addict brother and her disapproving parents (her father, played by Alex Rocco, doesn't like the fact that his daughter is performing at clubs with names like, "The Lingerie"), Debi hangs out at the beach with Dana (Jewel Shepard), her best friend/roommate. It wasn't until near the end of the movie that I realized that Debi's pal was played by Jewel Shepard. I blame the director for this, as he seemed to like to shoot everyone, except for the two leads, from afar; the same goes for Lee Ving, who plays an eccentric music video director.

Taking Manny's advice to keep at it, Niles and the Pieces perform "I Was Just Asking" at their rehearsal space. On top of being my favourite song in the movie, this is the sequence where we first see Catherine Mary Stewart in her six buckle winkpicklers.

In a weird twist, Catherine's winklepickers get more close-ups than both Jewel Shepard and Lee Ving combined.

Speaking of weird twists, the decision to feature three bands performing covers of "Twist and Shout" during Niles and Debi's club crawl courtship sequence was the film's most interesting from a stylistic point of view. Of course, the version I liked the most was the robo-synth one by James House's Roberto Roberto.

Now, I don't want to say too much about what happens after Niles and Debi eventually become a couple. Though, I will say this, Debi should have never shown Niles her giant binder of songs. Seriously, that was a bad decision (you'll see why). But I like said earlier, it's hard to say no to a fully-mulleted Cameron Dye... he's a wild one.

Even though you'd be probably better off watching Ladies and Gentlemen... The Fabulous Stains, Breaking Glass, or even Eddie and the Cruisers, if you're a fan of Catherine Mary Stewart (who does all her own singing), music movies, winklepickers and zebra print, you should probably check this film out. If you can find it (there's hardly any information about this film on the interweb).

Lifeforce (Tobe Hooper, 1985)

I've got good news for all of you crybabies who are constantly worrying about not being around after you die. Are you sitting down? It would seem that there is life after death. Isn't that great? Unfortunately, the bad news is your everlasting soul is going to be immediately sucked up by the bat-like aliens currently orbiting the earth in their umbrella-shaped spaceship. That's right. If you had hoped to spend the next five or so years haunting the living fuck out of your obnoxious neighbours after you kicked the bucket, you can forget about it. Your spirit is needed elsewhere. To be more specific, your energy, or, "lifeforce" is required to help feed a race of sophisticated space vampires. While all this talk about the after life and vampires from outer space is fascinating, what does the plot of Lifeforce entail? I mean, you're already halfway through your first paragraph and you have yet to touch on the film you're purportedly writing about. Oh, haven't I? What? No. Really? Get out of here. You mean to tell me that Lifeforce, directed by Tobe Hooper (Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2) and produced by Menahem Golan (The Apple) and Yoram Globus, is about space vampires?!? No way. That's impossible. For one thing, the film is filled with classically trained British actors. First of all, I don't know what it is about the cast being predominantly British that makes you to doubt its existence. And secondly, to answer your question, yes, that's exactly what the film's about. Now, you can either remain wrapped in a veil of denial or come with me as I bask in the first-rate insanity Lifeforce was putting out there on a semi-regular basis. So, which is it going to be?

 

 

Judging by the fact that you're still here, I take it you're ready to dive headfirst into this film's kooky world of shapely, naked space vampires who are able to woo impressionable astronauts with a nipple-protruding ease. Wait a minute. Hold on. You never mentioned that the space vampires were naked. I didn't? Huh, that's funny. I'm usually quite reliable when it comes relaying details like that, especially when they involve naked space vampires who are purported to be shapely. Anyway, they're naked, all right. Naked for an extended period of time, if memory serves me correctly. Okay, I got it, they're not wearing any clothes. You make me sound like some kind of pervert who only cares about nudity. Well, aren't you? Pish motherfucking posh! I'm a well-rounded movie watcher whose interests are the epitome of multifarious.
 

 

Watching you get all defensive about the space vampires lack of clothing reminded me the way some of the characters behaved when they come face-to-face with the naked space vampires for the very first time. Reduced to a blithering pile of heterosexual inadequacy, most people, particularly males, when they meet the space vampire at the centre of this crafty enterprise can hardly move. Stricken with something I like to call, "erotic dementia," the men in this movie act as if they have never seen a naked woman in the flesh before. Is it because they're repressed? Nah, British people are surprisingly sexual. Which reminds me, is it because they're British? Don't be daft. Perversion is alive and well in Britain (they have photos of topless women next to the five-day forecast in their newspapers).
 

 

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the reason the men were so enamoured with the naked space vampire was because she was just that, a naked space vampire. Sure, most guys will go goo goo gaga over a housewife from Surry prancing around a field nothing but a garter belt and stockings, but put them in front of a naked space vampire, and we're talking total sexual subservience up in this girdle factory.
 

 

 

How do I know all this? Just ask Col. Tom Carlson (Steve Railsback), commander of the H.M.S. Churchill, a space shuttle headed to Halley's Comet, he knows all about the intrinsic allure of naked space vampires. His date with a naked space vampire begins when his shuttle approaches the comet, and the crew (a joint mission between British and American astronauts) spot a needle-like structure floating near the comet's tail.
 

 

Measured at around 150 miles long, Col. Carlson decides to lead a team to investigate the strange object. What do they find? What do think you think? That's right, large, desiccated, bat-like creatures. As they're bagging one of the giant bats to take back to their ship, the alien vessel literally opens its umbrella. After that occurs, a door opens. Inside they find three transparent cases containing three naked humanoids. Ignoring the naked fellas, Col. Carlson is drawn to the female (after he puts his tongue back in his mouth, he orders his away team to bring all three of them aboard).
 

 

Jumping forward thirty days, we find out that the Churchill is currently floating in space above the earth and isn't responding to hails from British mission control. Worried, the Brits enlist the help of the Columbia shuttle. And before you can say, "Houston, we have a problem" (something that is actually said in this movie), the rescue team find nothing but charred bodies and three transparent cases containing three...well, you know what they contain. 
 

 

Undamaged by the apparent inferno that took place aboard the Churchill, the three cases are brought back to England to be studied. If a professional astronaut had trouble resisting the womanly curves of the naked female (Mathilda May) under glass, what chance does a lowly security guard have? Let me tell you, he's doesn't have a prayer. And what do you know, a security guard is standing over the encased female with an inquisitive expression on his face that practically screams sex. Instead of biting him, like a normal vampire, she casually sucks out his lifeforce through his eyes, nose, ears, and mouth (i.e. anything with a hole), reducing him to a shriveled raisin of a man. Rejuvenated by the guard's energy, the naked female gets up and heads out the door. On the way out, the space woman grabs some energy from Dr. Bukovsky (Michael Gothard)–who must open at least twenty glass doors in order to get to the lab–but not enough energy to cause him to shrivel up, and she zaps a few guards along the way.
 

 

As the survivors of the naked space ladies escape are regrouping, including the aforementioned Dr. Bukovsky and a Dr. Fallada (Frank Finlay), a new character bursts onto the scene. I'll admit, when I first saw Col. Colin Caine (Peter Firth), Special Air Service, arrive to investigate the weird goings on at the spacelab, I thought to myself, who's this pratt? Which is a thought I think a lot when watching movies such as this. You see, I usually cannot stand macho tough guys who think they're so cool. However, I found myself strangely not annoyed by this trench coat-wearing S.A.S. commando. Like most people, I assumed Col. Caine was there to antagonize the protagonists (i.e. be a major dick). But after about five seconds, I quickly realized that Col. Caine is not only a reasonable chap who's only interested in what's best for Britain, but he is, to put it bluntly, a badass. Again, and I can't emphasize this enough, I'm wired to hate this guy, but I thought every decision he made was the correct one. In fact, every time an idea was thrown out there regarding what to do about the naked female vampire who drains people of their lifeforce, I would look to Col. Caine, and if he nodded in agreement, I would nod as well.
 

 

If you thought Col. Caine was a badass as a solo act, you should see him when he's paired with Col. Carlson. Wait, didn't he die in the Churchill? No, apparently he survived. Anyway, Col. Carlson is brought over to England to help Col. Caine piece together the events that occurred on the Churchill. 'Cause if you remember, we're not told what happened after the naked humanoids are brought aboard the Churchill. And according to Col. Carlson, things were quite insane. Actually, some might say what occurred aboard the Churchill is now taking place on earth.
 

 

Leaving shriveled bodies in her wake, the naked female humanoid starts to hop from body to body. My favourite being the body belonging to the gorgeous Nancy Paul, who plays a redheaded nurse named Ellen. Call me crazy, but I much preferred Nancy Paul over Mathilda May. Call me even crazier, but the sight of Nancy Paul walking in a black raincoat is way more sexy than any of the scenes that feature Mathilda May walking around naked. I know, I know, that's a lot of craziness to digest all at once. Buy, hey, I'm just being honest. I should start a support group for people who prefer a fully-clothed Nancy Paul over a completely naked Mathilda May. Yeah, that's a terrible idea.
 

 

Speaking of a fully-clothed redheads, the scene where a hypnotized Col. Carlson enters the mind of the space chick (yeah, he can totally do that) as she's wooing a man in a Volvo in the body of Nancy Paul was the film's sexiest. Now a strawberry-flavoured redhead with seductive eyes, the space girl has to feed on human energy to remain strong. But she doesn't want to leave a trail of wrinkled corpses in her wake. Good golly, what's a peckish space vampire to do? Suck in moderation, that's what. Taking little bits of energy here and there, the space girl feeds on people by extracting only what she needs, leaving the sucked party only a tad groggy.
 

 

In order to entice a male Volvo driver, the Nancy Paul version of the space vampire uses the ashen smoothness of her thighs to lull her victim into a state of erotic complacency. Inviting the male Volvo driver to caress her left thigh by lifting up skirt well above her knees, Nancy Paul is well on her way to getting the energy her supple body needs.
 

 

I think we can all agree that no one wants to see the Patrick Stewart version of the space vampire walking around naked. I have nothing against Patrick Stewart or his body. It's just that, to quote Elaine from the Seinfeld episode, The Apology,  "Whoa! Walking around naked? Ahh…that is not a good look for a man."
 

 

As more and more people come in contact with the space vampire, the more chaotic the situation becomes in Britain. Which is a bit of an understatement really, especially when you consider the fact that London is swarming with wrinkly zombies. You could say that the nation's world renowned stiff upper lip has become in desperate need of some kind of lubricant. But I'm not going to be the one to say something that egregiously lame. If you like movies where respected British actors and Steve Railsback openly talk about being in love with a vampire chick from outer space, you'll love Lifeforce. Of course, Peter Firth does not once express feelings of love toward any of the creature's many incarnations. Though, Peter Firth's character (I love the way he answers the phone simply by saying, "Caine!") does say that's he's a voyeur at heart at one point, which made me like him even more. At any rate, if you like the things I just listed, and dig high concept science fiction that takes itself way too seriously, you need to see this flick pronto. Even more so if your name is Tonto and you live in Toronto.

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