[REC] 3: Genesis (Paco Plaza, 2012)

Wow, I've heard of makeshift slits, impromptu slits (slits on the fly), and even accidental slits, but never have I seen a slit made with a chainsaw. (What on earth are you babbling about?) Chainsaw slits, you bleary-eyed motherfucker. That's what I'm babbling about. And where, by chance, did I see a slit made with a chainsaw? Why, I saw it done in a movie called... What the... It says here I saw it done in a movie called: [REC] 3: Genesis. What kind of made-up nonsense is that? Seriously, what does that even mean? And what's with the brackets? Maybe it's because I haven't been keeping up with current events or maybe it's because I'm an idiot. Whatever the reason, I've never heard any of these "rec movies." That being said, can you blame me? I mean, I'm trying to transition here. In other words, I've got more important shit to worry about. At any rate, you might be wondering how I stumbled upon this kooky slice of Spanish horror. What's that? You're not wondering about that. Hmm. Nevertheless. If you looked at the DVD covers for the so-called "rec movies," which one do you think I would choose to watch based solely on the box art? That's right, I'd pick the one that boasted the attractive woman wielding a chainsaw in a wedding dress. Now, if you would have told me that the slit on her wedding dress was created by the very chainsaw she was holding, I think I would have fainted. Of course, you're probably thinking to yourself: Fainted? What kind of gay ass shit is that? It's true, admitting that you might faint is some pretty "gay ass shit." But don't forget, I'm a... (Yeah, yeah, you're trans... we get it). Nevertheless, gay ass shit comes with the territory. And I couldn't be more pleased.

Anyway, enough of this shit, gay ass or otherwise. Let's talk chainsaw slits and the skinny armed goddesses who make them. Or, more importantly, how does a woman go from being a blushing bride at a congested Spanish wedding to a chainsaw-wielding zombie killer?

It's simple, really. If you push a Spanish bride too far, she will drop-kick your rotting ass into next week.

Separated during her wedding due to zombie-related circumstances beyond her control, Clara (Leticia Dolera) must battle her way through an angry mob of blood-spewing fiends in formal wear in order to be reunited with Koldo (Diego Martin), the love of her life.

Though, I should point out the film, directed by Paca Plaza, is kind of annoying... in the early going. Starting off as a "found footage film," ugh, [REC] 3: Genesis is basically Cloverfield 2: The Wedding. And like the original Cloverfield, the shaky camera work began to make me feel nauseous.

Probably realizing the audience is getting sick and tired of seeing that little red "rec" icon in the top right corner of the screen, Paco switches to proper cameras after around the twenty minute mark. Free from having to adhere to the rules that govern the found footage genre, the film, well, becomes more cinematic... more, er, um, watchable.

Sure, grainy footage is still employed now and then (security camera footage mostly), but for the most part the film resembles your typical zombie flick. Which is a good and a bad thing. It's bad because I'm so over zombies (I recently gave up on The Walking Dead). It's good because who wants to watch poorly shot cam footage of Leticia Dolera fighting zombies? Not me, that's for sure.

Of course, given that I haven't seen any of the other "rec movies," I was kind of confused as to where the zombies came from. Just kidding, I couldn't care less.

From the looks of it, I would say the groom's uncle was the one who started the whole zombie mess (he has bandage on his hand that covers a bite mark). That being said, when the groom's uncle eventually starts biting wedding guests, all these other zombies or "infected" enter the reception hall and make with the neck chomping and the blood spewing. So, yeah, the wedding is crawling with zombies in no time.

And, like I said earlier, the bride and groom are separated during the chaos of those first few minutes.

It's when Clara discovers that Koldo is still alive that the film.... Hold up, I almost forgot. There's a character named "Sponge John" or "John Esponja," that should be given his due. Unable to call himself "Sponge Bob" for legal reasons, Sponge John (Miguel Ángel González), whose been working weddings and birthday parties for over ten years, is probably my second favourite character behind Clara. 

In fact, when Rafa (Ismael Martínez), a sleazy scumbag/wedding guest asks Sponge John why doesn't he just take his Sponge John costume off when he implies that it is impeding his ability to accomplish simple tasks, his reasoning caused me to emit a substantial laughing noise from my primary mouth hole. It was either a "ha" noise or a "hee" noise. I'm not sure. Either way, the sight of Sponge John running around with a shotgun in the fake movie rain brought me a shitload of temporary joy.

It should be noted that, yes, Rafa is a "sleazy scumbag." However, without his help, Clara's chainsaw slit would have never come to be. You see, in order for Clara to cut into her wedding dress with any success, someone needs to hold the dress still. And that someone turns out to be Rafa. So, I guess, special thanks are in order. Determined to be reunited with Koldo, Clara slices and dices her way through a half a dozen zombies in, like I said earlier, formal wear to get to him. Now, could it have been gorier? I guess. But I did appreciate the way Clara's pluck gradually increased over the course of the film.

While the first twenty or so minutes are torture to sit through (it's basically a wedding video), the film eventually becomes the kind of trashy campy fun I like. So, I would, and I can't believe I'm about to say this, recommend [REC] 3: Genesis. It's reckless, rectum-tingling cinema at its sort of finest.

Special thanks to Joaquin Guirao for suggesting this flick... And, yes, you're right, it did remind of me of Álex de la Iglesia's early stuff.

Satan's Blood (Carlos Puerto, 1978)

First off, I just want to say how happy I am to be nuzzling up against the pulsating bosom that is Euro-sleaze. It's been too long. Don't get me wrong, I like other genres, too. It's just that I feel most at ease when the film flickering in front of me has a distinct Euro-sleaze sheen to it. And Carlos Puerto's Satan's Blood (a.k.a. "Escalofrio" and "Don't Panic") is definitely sleazy. Sure, it's not as sleazy as, say, The Mad Foxes, or even as sleazy as Juan Piquer Simón's Pieces. But as far as Spanish films about suave Satanists go, it's like a finely knitted sweater. Comfy and warm, the film... Wait. Why did I just compare this film to a freakin' sweater?!? Oh, yeah, that's right, the luminous Mariana Karr wears a sweet-ass sweater throughout this movie. In fact, it was Mariana's sweater that beckoned me to watch this film in the first place. The DVD put out by Mondo Macabro has four images on the back designed to pique my interest (or I should say, piquer my interest - Juan Piquer Simón is uncredited as the film's co-director). Anyway, the images included a severed head in a freezer, a skull, a woman being choked and a woman in a beige, brown and white turtleneck sweater. While I'm a big fan of severed heads, skulls and strangulation, I must confess, I'm an even bigger fan of sweaters with high necks. Of course, the question on everyone's mind is: Did Mariana Karr's turtleneck sweater manage to live up to the hype? What do you think? This review wouldn't exist if it wasn't for Mariana Karr's turtleneck sweater. Actually, I'm sure I could have focused on something else if Mariana Karr's sweater had been a let down. (Something else?!? You mean like, Sandra Alberti's strappy heels/white nylons?) Exactly.

Unfortunately, and this might sound a tad off-kilter, but the sheer amount of nudity in this film, some Satan-based, some bathing-based, put severe limits on the amount of time Mariana Karr appeared in her turtleneck sweater. Luckily for us, Annie (Mariana Karr) and her husband Andy (José María Guillén) didn't pack a suitcase when they decided spend the night at the creepy house that belongs to a couple of kinky Satanists.

Though, to be fair to Annie and Andy, they didn't know beforehand that they were going to spend the night. And they certainly didn't know that they were Satanist. Speaking as a non-practicing Satanist, spotting Satanists isn't as easy as it sounds.

Okay, fine. But Annie should have realized that something sinister was afoot when she noticed that glossy book on Satanism sitting on their bookshelf. In her defense, however, it was the 1970s. In other words, if you didn't have at least one book in your house on Satanism, you were looked at with suspicion. Seriously, Satanism and all things occult were seen as cool back in the 1970s.

On the other hand, eating your food like a dog has never been cool. And that's exactly what Annie catches one of her hosts doing at one point. A normal person would have politely excused themselves after witnessing this canine display and ran for the exit when the opportunity was right. But since it's the... (Yeah, yeah, it's the 1970s. People put up with all sorts of weird ass nonsense back then.) Either way, no such opportunity arises, and Annie and Andy, and, I suppose their dog, Blackie, are stuck there.

Stuck where, you ask? Well, Anna (who is four months pregnant) and Andy decide to spend the day cruising around the city, Madrid, I think. While driving home, Bruno (Ángel Aranda) and Mary (Sandra Alberti), the people in the car next to them, seem to think that they know them. It turns out that Bruno went to school with Andy. Even though Andy doesn't remember him, he agrees to go over to his house for drinks.

Truth be told, Annie and Andy had plenty of opportunities to flee. I guess you can't underestimate the power of Satan! I'm just kidding. I have no idea why they didn't leave. I mean, the Satanism book, the sight of Mary eating food (human organs) out of a dog bowl, not to mention, the spooky-looking doll in the living room, everything about this place practically screams psychosexual torment. Yeah, but it also screams ritualistic psychosexual satisfaction, and maybe, just maybe, Annie and Andy are proponents of Satanic orgies. After all, it's the... (Let me guess, the 1970s?) Bingo.

Quirky fun-fact: At least seventy percent of children born in Europe and the hipper parts of North America during the 1970s were conceived at Satanic orgies.

Personally, I would have turned around the moment I found out that the gate at Bruno and Mary's house made a creaking sound every time you opened and closed it. But then again, if they had turned around, we wouldn't have gotten to watch Annie, Andy, Bruno and Mary have crazy naked sex together on a black blanket with a pentagram on it.

At the end of the day, the question every Spaniard must ask themselves is this: Do you want to continue living an uneventful life in your matchbox-sized Madrid apartment, or do you want to embrace the dizzying world of clothing optional Satanism? Luckily for us, Annie and Andy choose the latter. Well, they don't exactly choose the latter. The Satanism lifestyle is more or less thrust upon them. Nevertheless, Annie and Andy end up partaking in a Ouija board session (or, I should say, Ouija table session - now that's a nice Ouija table), which leads to playful bathing, rough lesbianism and the mother of all creepy doll attacks.

The three things I just mentioned, by the way, are three of the main instances where Annie is seen without her trademark turtleneck sweater. It's a good thing Mariana Karr is so darned attractive (nudity looks good on her), or else I would have thrown a massive hissy-fit every time she took off her sweater.

If I had to point out a flaw, it would have to be the handling of Sandra Alberti's white nylons/strappy heals. Never shot in a manner that I found satisfying, the way they (the filmmakers) seemed to go out of their way to not give us any close-up shots of her white nylons/strappy heals was frustrating. That being said, I did appreciate her overall look (on top of wearing white nylons and strappy heals, Mary wears a chic red coat - with a matching purse - and a chunky necklace), and I found her cannibalistic dining habits to be wonderfully dog-like. I know, cannibals rarely ever use a knife and fork. But still, I liked the way she went to town on those tasty organs (which, I assume, used to belong to the guy in the freezer).

Anyway, despite the lack of leggy friendly camera angles, and the fact the film features way too much nudity for my liking, Satan's Blood is a definite must-see for fans of well-made Euro-sleaze. Boasting a foreboding atmosphere from start to finish (the ritualistic murder/groping that opens the film is first-rate softcore porn and the twist ending is pure gold) and a swirling organ score, the film harkens back to a time when horror and eroticism were paired together quite often. And I miss those days. Oh, and I'm just kidding about there being "too much nudity." Only a real square would say something like that, and I'm no square.

Acción Mutante (Álex de la Iglesia, 1993)

You know the future is bleak when the majority of the world's population are wearing welding goggles as everyday eye-wear. You could say, the future's so bleak, that you gotta wear welding goggles. But I won't say that. Why won't I being saying that, even though I sort of just did, you ask? Trust me, the key to attracting a younger demographic is not achieved by making references to Timbuk 3. The same goes for Digital Poodle (their lead singer, Mouth 392, was famous for wearing welding goggles as everyday eye-wear back in the day). No, if you want to attract young people to whatever it is you're doing (whether it be music, film or literature), you need to constantly talk about nylons, the colour taupe, Uzi's, leggy floozies, iridescent liquid, industrial bands from 1980s (preferably of the Belgian variety), and, most importantly, welding goggles. In other words, things young people like. Do these things, and I guarantee you'll have the Miley Cyrus generation eating out of the palm of your taint. And that's another thing, talk about your taint a lot. Kids love that. Anyway, looking over the things I listed that one should mention when trying to lure young people, it would seem that Álex de la Iglesia's Acción Mutante, while it doesn't feature all of them, it does boast two of the most important ones. And those are, of course, nylons and welding goggles.

You could say that nylons and welding goggles are the perfect metaphor for the class war that takes place in this film. Depicting a world where the poor are all members of heavily armed criminal gangs (who all wear welding goggles even when not welding), and the rich throw lavish parties complete with robot security guards, and, if you're lucky, a fully functional, fully fabulous Rossy de Palma (everyone's legs, including Rossy's, are sheathed in the silkiest nylons lot's of money can buy), writer-director Álex de la Iglesia covers some of the same ground he did in the equally awesome Perdita Derango. And, yes, trust me, Acción Mutante is awesome.

Now, I could easily list a bunch of movies that clearly influenced the Spanish director. But I don't feel like doing that at this particular juncture. And besides, most of the movies are the kind I don't want sullying my... Okay, I'll mention RoboCop... and The Ice Pirates. Yeah, those are all right. As for the rest, fuck them.

Either way, none of the films that influenced Álex de la Iglesia come anywhere close to matching the sheer insanity he manages to throw at the screen. Call it Almodóvar in space (Almodóvar, by the way, is listed as a producer), call it the Spanish Mad Max, call it what you will, Acción Mutante has more than enough going for it to be able to stand tall next to the greats of cult cinema.

Accidentally killing the rich fat fuck they planned on kidnapping by suffocating him with a ball gag, the leaderless members of Acción Mutante, a gang of thugs who repeatedly kick society in the culo (at least they try to), are clearly in a bit of a funk as of late. Unable to carry out a mission without screwing up, it's obvious to anyone with half a brain that they need a leader.

The answer to their prayers arrives shortly after the botched kidnapping attempt when their fearless leader, Ramón Yarritu (Antonio Resines), is released from prison (he just finished serving a five year sentence).

Picking him up from prison in an ice cream truck are Alex and Juan Abadie (Álex Angulo y Juan Viadas), Siamese twins; César 'Quimicefa' Ravenstein (Saturnino García), who floats on a hovering platform; José Óscar 'Manitas' Tellería (Karra Elejalde), an engineer of some kind; Amancio 'M.A.' González (Alfonso Martínez), the gang's muscle and, apparently, the owner of the world's lowest I.Q.; and José 'Chepa' Montero (Ion Gabella), a gay hunchback little person.

Ahh, so many Spanish names. At this moment my brain probably resembles an under-cooked pile of paella.

Judging by what we see as Acción Mutante's ice cream truck cruises through town, it would appear that they're living in a police state.

Wasting little time, Ramón, who, from looks of it, has been hatching this plan for quite awhile now, puts forth a scheme to kidnap Patricia Orujo (Frédérique Feder), the daughter of  Mr. Orujo (Fernando Guillén), the owner of one of the country's biggest bakery companies, on her wedding day.

Pretending to be bakers, the idea is to bring a giant cake to the wedding. It's simple enough plan, when the Siamese twins play "Aires de fiesta" by Karina on the jukebox, that's M.A.'s cue to turn off the lights. When this occurs, the gay hunchback little person should pop out of the cake with guns blazing. As the gay hunchback little person is filling the guests (including Rossy de Palma) with lead, Ramón is supposed to grab Patricia and then make a clean getaway.

Of course, none of it goes according to plan. Oh, sure, lot's of people are filled with lead and Patricia is eventually kidnapped, but... You know what? Despite a few minor hiccups here and there, I think everything worked out for the best. I mean, the plan involved kidnapping a leggy bakery heiress, and that's exactly what they did.

(Wait, you didn't say anything about the bakery heiress being leggy.)

Do you really think I would bother reviewing a movie if it didn't feature a leggy bakery heiress? C'mon. You know me better than that.

Taking unexpected turn, Acción Mutante suddenly becomes an interstellar space adventure, as we're whisked aboard the Virgen del Carmen, Acción Mutante's giant spaceship. The second part of the plan involves rendezvousing on some planet with Mr. Orujo so that he can pay the 100 million dollar ransom. Only problem being, Ramón told the members of Acción Mutante they were getting 10 million. Actually it only becomes a problem when they hear about the 100 million dollar ransom on the news. Anyway, this, as you might expect, causes some serious trust issues to arise.

Even though  Ramón reassures the rest of Acción Mutante that the media were merely trying to cause dissension in the ranks, he decides right then and there that he no longer needs them.

If you're wondering what happened to the concept of "honour among thieves"? It's obvious that spending the last five years watching nothing but tabloid television in prison has warped Ramón's value system. You could view this as Álex de la Iglesia's way of saying that the media can corrupt anyone; even the leader of Acción Mutante.

When the Virgen del Carmen crash lands on a womanless mining planet, Ramón throws Patricia out of the ship like a ragdoll, grabs her by the hair and proceeds to drag her to the Garcia Bar (the location of the planned rendezvous with Mr. Orujo).

Given that the crash caused the staples that kept Patricia's mouth shut to fall out, Patricia begins to express herself verbally for the first time since she was initially kidnapped. Much to the chagrin of Ramón, who just wants to collect his ransom and be on his merry way.

In order to complicate Ramón's journey to Garcia Bar, the script throws a few roadblocks at him to keep things interesting. My favourite roadblock being Patricia's sexy legs. I know, it's not really a roadblock in the classic sense of the word, but I like to think Patricia's sexy, stocking-encased legs were the cause of at least some stress.

Still wearing her wedding dress, the sight of Patricia's begrimed white stockings (with grayish tops) glimmering in the desert heat is what makes Acción Mutante the classic that it is today. It's as simple as that. Oh, and the other roadblock, the one involving a lovesick Alex (Juan, his Siamese twin, was murdered by Ramón), was cool, too.