Pretty Peaches 2 (Alex de Renzy, 1987)

While I would love to say that I haven't seen such a pronounced spattering of semen since my days as a male prostitute. I can't because I've never been a male prostitute. Oh, sure, I used to fuck guys for money (in bus station men's rooms to be unnecessarily specific), but that was for charity (Reach Arounds for Cancer Research to be, again, unnecessarily specific). What was the point I was trying to make? Oh yeah, whitish secretions of the moist kind. Now, I've seen pools of cum coagulating in pornography in the past, but the quality of the picture has always prevented me from admiring the goo's innate viscosity. The reason for this can usually be attributed to laziness on the part of the people in charge of releasing this so-called "pornography" to the masses. In their greedy little minds, they figure the saps who like these kinds of movies won't care if their precious pornography is simply transferred from worn out videocassettes. The result: Lackluster porn. That being said, when you think of restoring old movies to their original luster, stuff like, The Red Shoes, Metropolis or The Whoopee Boys probably come to mind. Well, the fine folks at Vinegar Syndrome are trying to change all that, as they, for some strange reason, have lovingly restored Alex de Renzy's Pretty Peaches 2, which looks freakin' amazing. And...

You see that? (What?) Look at the way I said, "for some strange reason." It would seem that even someone like me is having trouble understanding the logic of restoring Pretty Peaches 2.

Not to worry, though, I don't feel that way anymore, as I have just witnessed classic (shot on 35mm film) hardcore pornography the way it was meant to be seen.

Which brings us back to cum. When I saw how vivid that pool of recently expelled spunk looked as it lay all over Tracey Adams' mid-to-late '80s stomach in the film's opening sex scene, a single manly tear fell from my eye. And believe me, it was a pool; the cum languishing on Tracey Adams' mid-to-late '80s stomach, not my single manly tear.

Of course, it should come as no surprise to anyone with eyes or genitals that the pool of recently expelled spunk used to belong to Peter North, as the Halifax born actor is renowned for giving forth an extra helping of the creamy joy juice.

Anyway, you gotta hand it to Alex de Renzy, as only as an artist of his caliber would be able to weave Peter North's generous wad into the film's plot with such an effortless elan. Oh, I'm sure countless other films have played up the vast size of Mr. North's wad, but I've never seen one do so in a manner that seemed so plausible.

When the film opens, Peter North, who, of course, plays Bobby (he's such a Bobby), is trying to penetrate the pussy that belongs to Peaches (Siobhan Hunter), his dimwitted girlfriend. The reason he's trying to penetrate her in this fashion is because it's one of the best ways for a man to achieve an orgasm. Granted, there are countless methods at a man's disposal (trust me, I should know - I must have raised at least a million dollars for cancer research via butt-fucking), but I have found that most of men prefer vaginal intercourse. And it looks like Bobby is no different in that regard.

Unfortunately for Bobby, Peaches' mother, Eunice Goldbloom (Tracey Adams), doesn't seem to care about his impending orgasm, and tells her daughter to go to bed (their sex noises are disturbing her something fierce). Not one to disobey her mother, Peaches manages to cram Bobby's rock hard cock into his jeans and sends him packing.

Speaking of cramming things, I liked how Peaches stuffs her panties (her white panties) in her shoe; she may be dimwitted, but she knows how to... put her panties (her white panties)... in her shoe. That doesn't make a lick of sense. Either way, Peaches' panties (her white panties) are in her penny loafers (the left one, I think) as she goes upstairs.

After Bobby supposedly leaves, Eunice continues to remove her womanly accoutrements (bracelets, earrings, garter belt, stockings, etc.) with a haughty grace.

Unbeknownst to her, but Bobby is watching her remove her womanly accoutrements. That's right, he never left, and is hiding behind the curtains. Hearing a slight rattling sound coming from the window, a now naked Eunice grabs a knife and investigates.

After Eunice scolds Bobby for being a peeping tom, she forces him to remove his clothes (it's what chicks named Eunice do). At around this time, Eunice notices that Bobby has "lovers nuts." Engorged with enough fluid to fill at least five reasonably priced kiddy pools, Eunice decides to help Bobby some extract some of this "fluid" by employing her mouth and vagina as temporary receptacles for his throbbing, overstuffed man-junk.

Who wants to name the multitude of jizz rivers that are currently snaking their way along the surface of Tracey Adams' abdomen? Anybody? Clean up on Tracey Adams' tummy!

Frustrated that her mother refuses to tell anything about sex, Peaches decides to ask Stanley (Herschel Savage), her former step dad, for advice. Showing up at his office in a red top paired with a yellow skirt, Peaches begs her former step dad to teach her about sex. For a second there it looked like Stanley was contemplating giving his former step daughter a private lesson, but less pervy heads prevail. Instead, Stanley tells Peaches to "ask around" and most importantly, "don't be a tease... no-one likes a tease."

"Golly, daddy... that's some excellent advice," she cheerfully replies. The manner in which Siobhan Hunter says the word "daddy" is so unsavoury, that it will cause you to run down to the nearest police station to register yourself as a sex offender.

Since the film hasn't had a sex scene in at least two minutes, we're given a quick one when Stanley calls over his secretary, Miss Wilson (Tammy White), to "discuss" something important. What transpires is your standard office sex scene. What isn't standard, however, is Tammy White's body. Dang! This Tammy chick is shapely as all get out. Oh, and since she isn't some cave-dwelling neanderthal, Tammy's delicious gams are sheathed in black stockings. Mmmm, slice 'em thick, Ma.

Taking what Stanley said about "asking around" seriously, Peaches comes to the conclusion that the sanest course of action for her to take is to visit Uncle Howard (Ron Jeremy) up in San Francisco; which, according to Peaches, is the best place to learn about sex.

Those familiar with the handkerchief code will probably notice that Peaches has a dark blue hanky stuffed in the back pocket of her jean shorts. Does this mean Peaches will have anal sex later on in this movie? Who knows? I do know this, the guy in the trucker cap (Buck Adams) who picks up a hitchhiking Peaches definitely has anal sex with Juliet (Janette Littledove), a busty prostitute, during their stay at a motel.

What's amusing about this scene is that Miss Littledove kept calling Buck a piece of shit as he plowed into her ass. And I couldn't help but laugh when she mock asks him whether or not he took humping lessons at Disneyland.

Worried about her daughter, Eunice teams up Stanley, and they both hit the road in search of Peaches. And, of course, they end up booking a room at the same motel Peaches and the trucker cap guy stayed at. Except, instead of having anal sex with Janette Littledove, Eunice blows F.M. Bradley; much to the chagrin of Stanley, who had hoped their little road trip would lead to some kind of reconciliation between himself and his ex-wife.

Meanwhile, in San Francisco, Peaches is up to her eyebrows in perversion. Let's break it down, shall we? Incest, gaudy furniture, Jamie Gillis dressed as a granny, wispy pubes, blue panties, Melissa Melendez (Kat Dennings meets Asia Argento) as a Chinese chick and an impromptu bunny dip tutorial. It should come as no surprise that Peaches is a tad overwhelmed by what she sees at Uncle Howard's. That being said, she seems to be learning a lot.

Other than not giving us any clear shots of Tammy White in her lingerie, as far as being a playful piece of plot-driven pornography, I'd say Pretty Peaches 2 is pretty much perfect. And thanks to the fine folks at Vinegar Syndrome, it looks perfect. I'm almost tempted to throw away all my porno DVDs, as this release makes them all look like utter garbage. Almost (let's not do anything rash).

Secret Mistress (Lasse Braun, 1986)

Shot on video, yet filmed in New York City, Lasse Braun's Secret Mistress is a bit of an odd bird for those very reasons. On the one hand, the use of videotape instead of film gives the entire production the look and feel of a cheap home movie (the blurry transitions look eerily similar to something you might see used in that haphazardly put together AV club-orchestrated highlight reel celebrating your high school football team's first winning season in fifty years). However, like I said, it's filmed in New York City; during the restoration of the Statue of Liberty, 1984–86 (you can clearly see the scaffolding covering Lady Liberty in one scene). What I'm trying to say is, while the film itself looks like crap, the location is to die for. Unfortunately, other than some quick establishing shots that boast the world's most famous skyline and some short scenes that take place near the Brooklyn Bridge, Lasse Braun doesn't really take advantage of its iconic local . That being said, I don't think that many people, other than me, of course, will protest too loudly, as their main concern is to be aroused/titillated. And if that's the only criteria you need to enjoy pornography, you should have no trouble whatever getting into the sex-adjacent shenanigans a socially awkward writer gets into over the course of this sex-filled romp.

Since I'm not your typical smut enthusiast, you might be thinking to yourself: Why am I writing about this particular piece of pornography?

The first thing that caught my eye was that it takes place in New York City. What can I say? I'll watch anything, especially if its pornographic in nature, that is set in The Big Apple during the 1980s. And the last time I checked, 1986 is definitely in the '80s.

The second thing that peaked my interest was that it's written, directed and edited by Lasse Braun. Impressed by his film, Body Love (1977), I was curious to see if his talent as a filmmaker was able to flourish in the artistic no-man's land that was shot-on-video pornography.

The third thing, the one that caused my pupils to percolate pure positivity, was the pulsating presence of the one and only Taija Rae. Oh, who am I kidding? Seeing Taija Rae's name in the credits was the only reason I bothered to watch this movie.

Not quite at the height of her shapeliness (believe it or not, she's even shapelier in 1985), Taija Rae's mouth-watering curves are still a force to be reckoned with, as her thick and hearty frame can be seen stomping around in a pair of skanky red pumps in one of the film's best scenes.

It's funny, changing gears for a second, but the female singer belting out the film's theme song sometimes sounds like she's saying, "desperately seeking Susan." While other times she sounds like she's saying, "naturally seeking Susan." Given my inability to decipher song lyrics, she's probably saying neither.

Anyway, after the song is finished, we enter the apartment of Steven (Robert Bullock), a writer of some kind. Actually, judging by the size of his apartment (it has a sauna), I would say he's a successful writer.

In fact, he's so successful, he has Ludmilla (Stacey Donovan), a lanky blonde, trying on lingerie for him in his apartment as we speak.

Hired by a lingerie company to model their product for special clients, Ludmilla tries on a number of different pieces in the film's opening scene.

The first one is a red bra and red panties combo with matching frilly gloves.

The second one is a burgundy top with straps (Steven really seemed to like this piece).

The third one, which, according to Ludmilla, is made from 100% Italian silk, is a blue bra and a blue and white thong.

Annoyed by Ludmilla's constant yammering (she insists on describing each piece to him in intricate detail) Steven tells her to shut the fuck up.

Just kidding. Steven doesn't tell Ludmilla to "shut the fuck up." Don't get me wrong, he tells her to be quiet. It's just that Steven, despite being a New Yorker, is way too polite and way too mild mannered to actually say that to someone.

At any rate, I wonder who he's buying all this lingerie for. It can't be for himself, can it? Hold on, I think we're about to find out. Appearing on his couch out of thin air is Eric (Rod Retta), Steven's brother. Asking him why he didn't try to copulate with Ludmilla, Eric stares at his brother with a look of disbelief on his face (in his mind, his brother had a half-naked lingerie model in his home and didn't once try to put the moves on her). Annoyed by the question, Steven shoots back at him that he's in love with Susan. Oh, okay, that makes sense. She's probably the Susan from the film's theme song.

Susan or not, Eric stills thinks Steven dropped the ball big time. And to prove he did, Eric makes Steven watch as he has sex with Ludmilla (who, like Eric, seems to appear out of thin air) on his fancy couch with his unspectacular cock. But not before telling Ludmilla to "show your ass to my brother."

Later that evening, Steven hears his doorbell ring. Looking through the peephole, Steven sees two new wave goddesses standing in the hallway. Letting them in, Annette (Taija Rae), who seems to know Steven, explains that she lost her keys (she lives in Steven's building), and asks him if she and her drunk friend, Gloria (Scarlett Fever), can hang out for awhile until her father comes home.

Agreeing to let them stay, Annette, who is wearing a black lace leotard, a tight red skirt, one fishnet opera glove, a funky black belt, fishnet stockings and red pumps, goes over to the couch and sits down.

As Annette leafs through a copy of Playboy (the issue that featured nude pics of Madonna), Gloria, who is wearing a pink mesh top over a pink bra, one black fingerless opera glove with pink tutu-esque ruffles, a white skirt, pink knee-high stockings, black pumps, and about a half a dozen bracelets (on the non-armwear arm), finds some panties stuffed underneath a couch cushion.

Grabbing a pair of black panties, Gloria stands up, removes her orange(!) panties and slips the black one's on.

Check out the part where Annette scolds Gloria for putting on panties that are clearly not hers. I mean, the way she says, "Gloria!" in her thick Philly-New York accent was beyond glorious (no pun intended).

When Ralph (Ashley Moore), Annette's father, Liza (Colleen Brennan), Steven's neighbour, come over, Annette and Gloria leave with them. However, just like the scene with Ludmilla and Eric, Ralph appears out of thin air to ridicule Steven for not taking advantage of Gloria, who verbally expresses the desire to fuck Steven twice during her brief stay.

Pretty soon, Gloria and Annette appear out of then air as well. Refusing to have sex with Gloria, Ralph decides to dine Gloria's blonde pussy essence instead.

As Gloria is blowing Ralph, you'll notice that her mesh headband contains the colours red, salmon, yellow and lime green.

One thing leads to another, and Annette and Gloria end up lezzing out on one of Steven's many ornate sofas. Even though he says she's not really his daughter, the sight of Ralph having sex with Annette was... not that disturbing at all; I didn't buy for a second that they were related.

I have to admit, my interest in Secret Mistress plummeted to a record low after Taija Rae and Scarlett Fever leave Steven's apartment. It's true, we do learn the identity of Susan and Kristata Barrington and Siobhan Hunter play a couple of typists. But nothing comes close to topping the sight of Taija and Scarlett in their sexy new wave duds.

Struggling to remain invested in the film's "plot," I started to regret the decision to watch it all the way to the end. I did eventually finish it, but at what cost? I think the lesson is this: Be wary of pornographic movies made after 1985. You might stumble across a few gems here and there, but bulk of the product is mediocre at best.