Exorcism (Jess Franco, 1975)

This has to be some sort of world record. Maybe someone who has seen more Jess Franco films than I have can enlighten me, but this particular movie has Lina Romay's outstretched vagina onscreen in glorious colour in record time. I mean, the film starts... and... Boom! We have Lina Romay's outstretched vagina onscreen. Oh, and in case you're wondering, the reason I attached the word "outstretched" to Lina Romay's vagina is because her vagina seems to be leaning forward. It's almost as if it craves attention. Keeping with the record theme, I think this film, which, by the way, is called Exorcism (a.k.a. L'éventreur de Notre-Dame), has the record for the fastest appearance of Jess Franco regular Monica Swinn, one of the most alluring actresses to grace the Jess Franco universe. Get this, we get Monica Swinn in just over a minute. I know, you're thinking to yourself: But Monica Swinn's bedroom sadist character doesn't appear until much later in the film. Yeah, but you're forgetting that I'm an expert when it comes to spotting Monica Swinn in Jess Franco movies. If you look closely, you'll spot Monica Swinn's luminous visage in the audience during the film's first black mass sequence.

Watching Lina Romay's bound organic structure getting whipped by Nadine Pascal (credited here as "Lynn Monteil"), Monica Swinn stares at the mock cruelty transpiring before her with a Euro-tinged sense of alabaster wonder.

You also see her sitting in the audience during the film's second black mass sequence (unfortunately, she doesn't get a close up this time around).

Her third appearance takes place at a post-black mass orgy, where all the attendees writhe around with one another on the floor. In typical Monica Swinn fashion, she manages to upstage everyone by choosing to wear white leather stockings with one of the most complicated garter systems I've ever encountered. Again, I'm sad to report, we don't get a close up of her during the orgy scene. Well, not a close up that didn't have some guy's hairy, lumpy butt in the frame as well. Come on, all you degenerate old farts at the post-black mass orgy, I'm trying bask in Monica Swinn's not-so delicate beauty over here. So, would you mind getting your tired-looking asses out of my face? Thanks.

What's that? You want me to tell you more about this so-called complicated garter system that Monica Swinn was operating? Oh, don't worry, I will in a minute, as she wears the same garter system in her forth and final scene, too. It's just that I don't want this review to turn into an episode of Where in the World Is Monica Swinn? In other words, I like would to explore every nook and cranny this motion picture has to offer. And believe me, this film has plenty of nooks and crannies.

Oh, and when I say, "nooks and crannies," I'm talking about vaginas.

Here's an amazing statistic for you: There are a total of six actresses in this movie with speaking parts, and all six expose their lady parts at some point over the course of this film. Meaning, Jess Franco's Exorcism is, no matter what I say, worth watching.

However, was there ever any doubt? I mean, Jess Franco plays a sadomasochistic defrocked priest who stabs women to death he thinks are possessed by The Devil. And if that wasn't enough, he writes erotic essays for a magazine called, Dagger and Garter Weekly. See what I mean? Ahhh! That's too good to be true. Dagger and Garter Weekly!!!

Okay, let's get things back on track by starting at the beginning. Opening on a shot of Anne (Lina Romay, credited here as "Rosa Almirall") strapped sort of naked (she's wearing skintight knee-high black boots) to an x-shaped crucifix. Suddenly, a tall woman with short blonde hair enters the room. Wearing boots, a belt, leather bracelets and a black collar, Rose (Nadine Pascal) begins to whip Anne. It's at this moment we realize that they're performing before a live audience.

When she's done whipping her, the tall blonde with the big bum (the belt around her waist clings to her buttocks for dear life) kills a dove and begins to smear its blood all over her body. When she decides that she's smeared enough, she then smears what's left all over the lash-marked brunette, who cries of agony periodically fill the air of the musty, dungeon-like performance space.

Whips, chains, vaginas, big booties and dove blood, as far as opening scenes go, you can't get any better than this. Imagine how much simpler life would be if every film opened like this. Anyway, the tall blonde stabs the regular-size brunette with a knife.

After taking a bow, and, no doubt, washing the dove blood that has started to congeal in her nooks and crannies (i.e. her vagina and vagina), we see Anne at the office of Venus Publications. (Don't tell me, they produce Dagger and Garter Weekly?) Yep, they sure do. (Awesome. Carry on.) Hanging out with Venus head honcho, Pierre de Franval (Pierre Taylou), Anne apparently works there as a... I'm not sure. It doesn't matter, as look who just walked in. Why, it's Jess Franco.

Playing Mathis Vogel, Jess Franco is a freelance writer who has just finished an essay for an upcoming issue called "Torture Chambers of the Inquisition."

Now, I don't know what motivated him to do this, but Vogel pretends to shut the door and begins to eavesdrop on Anne and Pierre's conversation. After making a couple of playful jabs at his expense, Anne and Pierre start talking about staging another black mass. While it's obvious to any normal human being that they're joking about it being a real black mass, Vogel is a being who is anything but normal.

As Anne, Rose and Pierre make plans for their next black mass show, plans that involve a bartender named Martine (Catherine Lafferière), Vogel rents an apartment across the street from where Anne and Rose live.

You could say, Vogel rented the apartment across from Anne and Rose to keep tabs on their black mass activities. You could also say, Vogel wants to see Rose prance about in black pantyhose. Either way, he's doing a bit of both, as he keeps tabs on Anne and Rose, and, watches Rose prance about in black pantyhose. Defrocked priests with severe mental problems are renowned for their ability to multitask in a pinch.

What's that? What was Lina Romay doing as Nadine Pascal gave us a bird's-eye view of her wonderfully thick lower half encased in black pantyhose? What do you think she was doing? She was waving her cunt around with reckless abandon. Duh.

If you look carefully, you'll notice that one of Nadine Pascal's earrings goes flying off when she removes her top. Like a true professional, Nadine plays it cool and continues on with the scene like nothing happened (even though it's clear that she knew one of her earrings went flying off while she disrobed).

Picking up a "whore" at a local bar, Vogel takes her home and prepares to exorcise her demons. After grilling the woman (played by Caroline Rivière, I think) about the black masses that take place in the neighbourhood at knife point, Vogel chains her against a mirror and then stabs her to death.

Taking what he learned from the dead whore with the great face, Vogel starts lurking around those in the fake black mass community. And, after getting a sense of this community via lurking, he begins picking them off one by one.  This alerts the attention of a police detective named Inspector Tanner (Olivier Mathot) and his fresh-faced partner Malou (Roger Germanes); the latter figures out the case almost instantly, but Tanner dismisses his theory as nonsense.

My favourite of Vogel's many confrontations with the members of the fake black mass community is when he visits Monica Swinn's Maria Theresa, a sexy sadist for hire.

However, it's the scene before Vogel confronts Monica Swinn that actually had me all in a tizzy.

Lying on her bed in a long black dress with black stockings, Monica Swinn is approached by an old man who is, according to Monica, a dirty pig, a vicious old sadist, a disgusting little lecher, a homosexual, a leper's sore, a swine, a shit-eater and a degenerate.

As she's telling the old man these things, he's busy kissing her black stocking covered knees. "You make me want to vomit... I hate you!" she shouts at him as she orders him to remove his clothes.

Even though he only managed to partially open her dress, we can clearly see that Monica Swinn is employing a complicated garter system to hold up her black stockings. Careening across her pale skin like spider-webs, this garter system, as I said earlier, is unlike anything I've ever seen before.

Straddling the naked old man with the full-force of her sinewy undercarriage, Monica Swinn rides his withered cock while hurling insults at him at a rapid rate of speed.

Dying like she lived, with her ass in the air, Monica Swinn gives her most satisfying performance in a Jess Franco film yet. Don't get me wrong, her turn as the cruel warden in Barbed Wire Dolls is classic Swinn. It's just that her work in Exorcism solidifies her status as the Euro sex goddess she really is.

Not to be out done in the solidifying department, but I think Exorcism features Jess Franco's finest performance as an actor. Whether lurking in the shadows or stabbing naked chicks in the stomach, Franco is brilliant as the defrocked priest/freelance writer for Dagger and Garter Weekly/serial killer. Seriously, I can't picture any other actor dragging an unconscious, scantily clad Lina Romay across the city without anyone noticing. At any rate, if you purchase/rent the newish DVD from Redemption, you'll get Demoniac, a short, more horror-centric version of Exorcism. Personally, I would avoid this version, as it omits the Monica Swinn scene with the "disgusting little lecher," and features zero vagina shots.

Cannibal Terror (Alain Deruelle, 1981)

"What's that over there? Oh, it's just a bird." Hello, before I go any further, I would just like to quickly inform you that particular line of dialogue is one of the few hings that makes Cannibal Terror a totally worthwhile experience. It's true, I had to wade knee-deep through a mile of festering garbage to hear it uttered, but when the line finally spews from the mouth of Silvia Solar, and we're shown stock footage of a bird sitting in a tree (the same exact footage of a bird we saw at an earlier point in the film), I fell headfirst into a five second giddy fit. While I'll be the first to admit that  five seconds doesn't sound like whole lot of time for one to engage in an action that contained enough giddiness to be considered full-on by any giddy means. But as those who have seen the film can properly attest, five seconds of giddiness is as good at it gets. Just for the record, the reason I enjoyed the bird line so much is because it's the kind scene you might find in a parody of a bad movie. However, this film, which is directed by Alain Deruelle and co-written by an uncredited Jess Franco (Devil Hunter), is no parody, it's deadly serious. Sure, I would have probably been a tad more forgiving had Jess Franco directed the film instead of this Alain Deruelle fella. But he didn't, so get over it. Oh, I will. It's just that Monsieur Deruelle doesn't know how to film a shapely woman walking down the street if his life depended on it. In fact, someone should ban him from owning and operating a camera, because he doesn't have the pervert's eye. The pervert's what? The pervert's eye. All European men are born with the eyes of a pervert, but it's up to the individual to maintain the health and well-being of their perverted peepers. And clearly the director of this barely competent cannibal opus has not done that.
 

 

The scene where the gorgeous Montserrat Salvador walks down the street was botched beyond belief. Of course, I'm not saying the entire scene should been nothing but close-up shots of her undulating buttocks. I just thought shooting the scene with a long lens from start to finish was a mistake from a filmmaking point-of-view. And, on top of that, it's not a smart way to introduce one of the film's key characters, as it keeps us at a distance.
 

 

Meanwhile, her bumbling accomplices, Mario (Jess Franco regular, Antonio Mayans) and Roberto (Gérard Lemaire), are down at the docks breaking into a boat in broad daylight. Well, at least they try to break-in to one. You see, while Roberto keeps watch, Mario is struggling to gain entrance to the cabin. Which is weird, because all that stands in his way is a flimsy-looking door. Anyway, as they continue to wallow in their own ineptitude, I couldn't help but notice that they're all getting close-ups. Nothing against Antonio and Gérard, especially Antonio, who's quite handsome, but I don't want to be staring at their stupid faces. Eventually breaking into the boat (the door was unlocked), Mario and Roberto make off with a bag of miscellaneous loot.
 

 

As the shapely Lina (Montserrat Salvador), perhaps named after Lina Romay (after all, their respective booties have a similar buoyancy about them), makes her way through the streets of an unnamed resort town, her womanly hips swaying side to side with a hypnotic brand of child-bearing confidence, Madame Danville (Silvia Solar) is getting her nails done at a beauty salon. A mature goddess in a pink on pink summer dress with a giant slit up the side, Madame Danville, sitting with her legs crossed as the manicurist works on her left hand, decides to let her daughter Florence ("The Little Annabelle," that's what it says in the credits) play out outside.
 

 

This decision, as we will soon find out, is going to having a lasting effect on everyone I just mentioned. You know who else it's going effect? That's right, Florence's father, Monsieur Danville (Jess Franco regular, Olivier Mathot), who Madame Daville and Florence call from the beauty salon. At first, the call seems to revolve you're typical husband and wife bullshit. But all that changes once Florence picks up the phone. I don't know, there's something disturbing about watching Olivier Mathot making cat noises over the telephone while a little girl, whose voice has been dubbed by an adult woman, tries to guess what animal he is.
 

 

Have I mentioned that Montserrat Salvador is stunning? If not, I just want to make it clear that, even though Alain Deruelle doesn't know how to film a statuesque woman walking down the street, the sight of Montserrat going for a stroll in her strappy heels and long blue skirt with green flourishes here and there was breathtaking. Now, I'm not 100% sure if Montserrat Salvador is the name of the actress who plays Lina (the credits aren't that reliable), but the name Montserrat Salvador seems to suit her. So, until anyone tells me otherwise, Lina, the sexiest kidnapper to hit the French cannibal circuit in ages, will be known as Montserrat Salvador.
 

 

Running into Florence on her way to a bar, Lina has a brief chat with the little scamp. Their conversation, while innocent in nature, is the catalyst for the coming events. Sitting at the bar, drinking her troubles away, Lina rendezvous with her partners in crime, Mario and Roberto; I must say, I was quite envious over the fact Roberto got to grope the softness of Lina's supple hindquarters upon meeting her (she obviously didn't mind as his face remained slap-free for the duration of their stay at the bar). Frustrated that they can't seem to land a big score, Lina, Mario, and Roberto try to come with some new ideas how to make money; the level of their frustration gets to the point where Lina ends up telling Mario, "My ass says go fuck yourself." I don't know what means, but anytime Lina refers her ass, I'm a happy camper.
 

 

As they're brainstorming, Lina remembers the little girl she met on the way to the bar. And just like that, a kidnapping scheme is hatched. I wonder how long it will take for the threesome to botch the kidnapping. Oh, sure, the kid was easy to grab (for some strange reason the actual abduction isn't shown). But remember, Mario and Roberto had trouble breaking into an unlocked boat. As expected, a mild snafu occurs, a fourth accomplice ends up in police custody (he was struck by a car while crossing the street), so they end up switching to plan B; which entails them flying to the jungle to wait further instructions.
 

 

While their plan is evolving, you'll notice that Montserrat Salvador has changed into a white dress. You better get used this particular garment, because it's going to be clinging to Montserrat's succulent frame for the rest of the movie. And you what? I'm totally at ease with that, as the dress looks fabulous on Montserrat; the matching white strappy heels were not too shabby either. Oh, and keep an eye on Montserrat's face when Roberto is being given instructions over the phone, her reaction acting is top-notch.
 

 

After enduring a quick plane ride, Lina, Florence (who doesn't seem to mind the fact that she's been kidnapped), Mario, and Roberto meet Mickey Morris (Miriam Camacho) in a field. Hired to take them to a safe house, Mickey, a luminous double-chinned flower goddess with crimped hair, tells them to hop in her jeep. First, she's got to get them across the border, which might require some trickery. But don't worry, Mickey's got the thighs for the job. Did you just say, "thighs for the job"? I did. Oh, okay. Just checking. The reason I stopped you was because you don't often hear that expression. Well, let me a bit more clear. While Lina, Florence, Mario, and Roberto travel on foot, Mickey needs to get the jeep past the border crossing. Of course, I don't why they couldn't have just driven the jeep the same way they went on foot (it is, after all, an off-road vehicle). But that's not important. What is important that Mickey says, "I know what to do." Call me deranged, but I believe her.
 

 

Driving up to the check point, Mickey simply lifts up her orange hippies dress, flashes the guard a bird's eye view of her left thigh, and three seconds later, she's on her merry way. As she's pulling away, one of the guards can be heard saying, "Nice thighs." To which the other guard says, "You can say that again." Are you sitting down? Because the original thigh-praising guard actually says, "Nice thighs," again. Unbelievable! Maybe this movie isn't as bad as I initially lead on? I mean, double-chinned hotties with nice thighs are all I really need for a movie not to suck nowadays.
 

 

Unfortunately, Mickey's life is about to come to a tragic end. What do you mean? I'd rather not get into it. Okay, let's just say her world class thighs are about to be consumed by a tribe of cannibals. 
 

 

Arriving at the safe house, the foursome meet Antonio and his wife Manuela (Pamela Standford from Lorna the Exorcist). Deciding that now is a good time as any to take a bath, Manuela removes her red dress and starts to wash her milfy body in an outdoor tub. She thinks she's alone, but Mario is watching her. Horrified when she discover she's being spied on, she runs into the jungle (which are more like woods, if you think about it). Tying her to a tree, Mario rapes Manuela. It was weird watching one Jess Franco regular treat another Jess Franco regular so shabbily, but this technically isn't a Jess Franco film.
 

 

If you thought Mickey's thigh flash was awesome, wait until you see Lina's attempt to seduce Antonio's guitar-playing house boy. Entering the room with a girlish thud, Lina puts her left hand on her left hip, and pretty much dares the house boy not to get hard.
 

 

Playing it cool (he barely acknowledges her), the house boy tries his best not to notice the shapely slab of feminine perfection standing before him. Realizing that the house boy isn't going to succumb to her charms so easily, Lina sits down underneath a zebra pelt and crosses her legs. Holding her right leg firmly in the crossed position with both hands for a period of time that can be best described as "lengthy," Lina throws the house boy a sly smile.
 

 

The blue macaw perched next to the house boy has no idea what kind of structural metamorphosis is taking place inside his jeans. But since I own a pair of jeans that are similar to the house boy's, I know exactly what's going on in there. Still plucking away at his guitar, the house boy doesn't know it yet, but he's about to come face-to-face with every breeders fantasy; a short-haired brunette built specifically for hot, throbbing, infant-producing sexual intercourse.
 

 

Moving closer to the house boy (making sure to push the blue macaw out of the way), Lina sits down, re-crosses her legs, and goes in for the kill. Allowing him free reign to massage the corporeal viscosity out of her calves and thighs, the house boy metaphorically dines on Lina's  wonderfully proportioned body with the a reckless form of heterosexual abandon.
 

 

As you might have guessed, I was quite taken with Lina's encounter with the guitar-playing house boy. It was not only sexy as hell, it also managed to relieve the icky feeling I got from the rape scene. On top of that, it's the only scene I wasn't tempted to fast forward past. Granted, the drunken, post-rape party sequence has its moments; one in particular features Montserrat Salvador staring directly at the camera during her dance number. But the scenes where Lina, Florence, Roberto, and the house boy (don't ask me what happened to Mario) wander the jungle were downright tedious. Pursued by Monsieur and Madame Danville, who managed to track down the kidnappers (Monsieur Danville calls a border guard a "cunt" at one point), the sheer amount of jungle wandering in this film was too much to take at times.
 

 

The only instances you need to look at the screen during their exhaustive jungle march are when Silvia Solar thinks she sees something in the trees ("it's just a bird") and the part where Lina lifts up her dress in a veiled attempt not get it wet while walking through a stream, and, in the process, reveals more of her gams. Hey, man, if there's one thing Cannibal Terror gets right, it's the amount of times we see Montserrat Salvador showing off her tasty thighs.
 

 

Everything else, on the other hand, is bungled beyond belief. The so-called cannibals were some of the least convincing "natives" ever to be captured on film, the film's editing is sloppy, the gut-munching scenes were bland and repetitive, the continuity is piss poor, you could see cars traveling on a nearby road during the scenes that are supposed to take place at the cannibal tribe's remote jungle village, and...well, actually, I could spend all day listing things that are wrong with this movie. But truth be told, I'd rather not do that. If you like buxom women with short hair and sturdy legs, one's who might respond to name Montserrat, then I'd say it's your duty to see this film. As for everyone else, steer clear of this abomination.

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Diamonds of Kilimanjaro (Jess Franco, 1983)

I think it's safe to say that the last vestiges of my world famous aversion to jungle movies has finally been whittled away. And by "jungle movies," I'm referring to movies that take place in or around a jungle. But mostly "in," since to be considered a true "jungle movie" it should take place "in" the jungle, not "around" the jungle, as that's not really the same thing as being "in" the jungle. Okay, now that I've cleared that up. I have nothing against the location (I love palm trees and ferns are totally awesome), it mainly has to do with the type of clothing worn by the characters when they're fully immersed "in" the jungle. The sight of attractive people wearing drab colours, such as beige or khaki, is the epitome of off-putting from my gay perspective. This, I've noticed, is never problem when it comes to writer-director Jess Franco (Eugénie de Sade and Faceless), as his jungle films always seems to have one or two characters who are dressed inappropriately. It becomes even more less of a problem when some of the characters wear pretty much nothing at all. Which is the most common non-dilemma in Diamonds of Kilimanjaro (a.k.a. The Treasure of the White Goddess), yet another tale of greedy white people fucking over black people. Taking place somewhere in Africa (the name "Kilimanjaro" isn't uttered once) during a time when t-shirts were scarce, and sneakers were even scarcer, it features topless men and women carrying spears while saying variations of the phrase "ooga booga" over and over again, the film is actually a mildly profound examination of colonialism, and its effect on the local population. Think about it, how would you feel if a steady flow of white people kept poking around your neighbourhood looking for natural resources to steal. Sure, they'll tell that they're just "exploring," but that's same bullshit line Christopher Columbus used, and look how that turned out: Slavery, Genocide, War, and Ke$ha.       

 

 

Diamonds, or "sparkly rocks," as they're sometimes called, are what some of the white people in this film want, the others just want to make lots of money. Acquiring the former is rather simple: just hike through the jungle to where the diamonds are and scoop them up. The latter is a little more complicated, as it involves locating a white woman who has gone "native," and bringing her home. A sickly woman on her death bed named Hermine (Lina Romay) wants her to come home when word gets around that she is living in Africa. You see, while everyone thought Diana (Katja Bienert) died in a plane crash along with her Scottish-accented father, Mr. De Winter (Daniel White), the two of them actually survived. And not only that, they became the de facto gods of a tribe of natives. Impressed by the fact that they came from the sky, the natives bow down before them the moment they emerge from their wrecked aircraft.
 

 

After opening with the plane crash and some of shots of the jungle it crashed set to bongo music, we flash forward ten years to see Diana, a little girl when her plane went down, all grown up. Lounging in a tree eating an apple, her shapely legs stretched out for the world to see, and by "world," I mean her pet monkey, this is one perennially blouse-free white woman who seems to have her shit together. Free fruit (it's literally growing from the trees), strong calves, a pet monkey, treated like a god by the locals, who wouldn't want to crash land "in" the middle of the jungle?
 

 

Meanwhile, as Diana lounges, a slinky drink of water named Noba (Aline Mess) and her band of male warriors are threatening to kill Payton (Albino Graziani), a white man who has ventured into their tribe's territory. Hearing the commotion from her treetop perch, Diana swings into action, and stops Noba from harming the white man (who is carrying a pocket full of uncut diamonds) just in the nick of time. You'll notice when Diana arrives on the scene that all the men drop to their knees; they are, after all, in their mind, in the presence of a god. Yeah, but did you see who wasn't on their knees? That's right, Noba was the only one who didn't bow. And why should she? She's fucking Noba! 

 

 

Anyway, Diana decides to spare Payton's life, and let's him go, telling him not to come back. Oh, Diana, you're so naive. Don't you know that white men rarely listen to scantily clad women who enjoy fresh fruit and have one-sided conversations with flea-ridden monkeys. If, say, you were wearing a ladies business suit–you know, one with a modest grey skirt with a mild slit in the back, then maybe he would have taken heed. But you weren't wearing a ladies business suit. You don't even know what a grey skirt looks like, do you? Nonetheless, you were wearing a brown hand towel. In other words, you can expect to see him again real soon. And not only that, he'll probably bring more white people the next time around.
 

 

Doing exactly what I said he would do, Payton tells a hunting buddy, Fred Pereira (Antonio Mayans), who tells Diana's uncle Mathieu (Oliver Mathot) that he had encounter with a white woman during a recent trip to the jungle. The uncle tells Diana's sickly mother that her daughter may be alive, and organizes a team to go look for her. This team includes: Payton, Fred, Mathieu, Lita (Mari Carmen Nieto), Mathieu's "girlfriend," and Rofo (Javier Maiza), their headstrong guide.

 

 

Whoever decided to cast Lina Romay as Diana's bedridden mother needs to have their genitals examined. Don't get me wrong, I thought Mari Carmen Nieto was a fine choice to play Mathieu's "girlfriend" (the reason word "girlfriend" is put in quotes is because I wasn't buying Mathieu's heterosexuality for a second), but Lina should have played the obligatory female member, the damsel in intentionally distressed jean shorts, if you will, of this so-called "rescue" party.
 

 

It sounds like you're not fully convinced of their sincerity when it comes to rescuing Diana from the mossy clutches of the jungle. Is it that obvious? Call me cynical, but I don't think any of the people involved in the search for Diana actually want to find her. I mean, other than Rofo, whose motives seen genuine (he's simply being paid to do a job), they all seem more interested in diamonds, than they do the whereabouts of a leggy jungle girl with zero charisma.
 

 

The magnitude of the scam being perpetrated is revealed when Lita shows up in Fred's room and straight up tells him: "We don't want to bring her back." She hammers the point home by seducing Fred with a series come hither looks and, of course, the ultra-smooth appendages jutting out from the bottom of her frilly nightie.
 

 

Arriving at what looks like the set of Oasis of the Zombies (a Jess Franco film that also featured Antonio Mayans and Javier Maiza), the group is greeted with stock footage of a charging rhinoceros and the sound of someone dicking around on a Moog synthesizer. Things get off to shaky start almost immediately when Payton decides to shoot one of the locals for no good reason. This angers Noba and the rest of her tribe. Well, duh. Let's just say, don't be surprised if you see Noba holding Payton's severed head aloft in triumph in the not-so distant future.
 

 

Watching them as they make camp by the banks of a crocodile-infested river, Diana observes their behaviour with a head tilting brand of curiosity. They're white like me, by they don't act like me, she must be thinking to herself as she observes them carrying on in a white manner: Mathieu drinks booze; Payton whines about his stomach; Rofo grumbles to himself; Fred is scheming in a headband; and Lita goes skinny dipping. Hey, wait a minute. Didn't you say the river was "crocodile-infested"? Don't worry, the crocs weren't really there. Like the charging rhino, all the animals who appear in Diamonds of Kilimanjaro are culled from stock footage.
 

 

It's too bad Jess Franco couldn't get a clear shot of Mari Carmen Nieto as she changed out of her cut-off jean shorts, pink boots, and white top, as it had the potential to be really sexy. In retrospect, I suppose the scene was shot that way to create the illusion that Diana was watching her get undressed from the bushes. But still, I was annoyed by the obstructed view.
 

 

While not on the same level as the riverside changing debacle, I was still somewhat annoyed by the fact that Katja Bienert can be seen wearing strappy high heel shoes at one point. It's true, they only appear for a brief moment (as she's lounging against a tree). But the second I saw them, my heart sank. I thought to myself: Can't this film get anything right? 

 

 

Luckily, the gorgeous Aline Mess was always nearby to provide the titillation I so desperately crave. Playing Noba, the fierce female warrior woman who loves to show off that tight little body of hers, Aline, an actress who you might remember from Jess Franco's Devil Hunter, brings some much needed sex appeal to the proceedings. Whether shaking delicious booty with a hypnotic gusto, laughing maniacally after informing a white man that the arrow he was just shot with was poisonous ("soon you die! poison arrow! ha! ha! ha!") or railing against the scourge that is imperialistic greed, Miss Mess is a revelation as a tempestuous woman determined to protect her people from unscrupulous outsiders hellbent on exploiting her land.
 

 

Even though you're not supposed to (or maybe you are, what do I know?), you can't help but root for Noba, as everything she does in this movie, whether it involved killing white people or, well, yeah, killing white people, was the correct course of action. The fact that Diana is one who repeatedly stands in her way, caused me to look at her with a shitload of suspicion. To be fair, her naive brain has yet to develop the ability to spot duplicity in the hearts of men, and I can't really blame her for falling under the spell of Fred Pereira, as Antonio Mayans is at his most ruggedly handsome in this film (even more so than he was in Golden Temple Amazons).
 

 

Speaking of Golden Temple Amazons, I would put Diamonds of Kilimanjaro a couple of notches below it in terms of Jess Franco-directed jungle movies, as it features real animals, a villain with an eye-patch, and much more compelling lead actress.

 

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