Some Kind of Wonderful (Howard Deutch, 1987)

The act of re-watching some of my favourite movies with trans-tinted glasses over the past two or three months has been quite the rewarding experience. Like, did you know Dr. Caligari is the ultimate transgender movie? Well, if you didn't, you need to watch it again. It's so trans, it's ridiculous. Anyway, it's also been quite the horrifying experience, as some of the films are just plain awful. Now, Some Kind of Wonderful (a.k.a. Ist Sie Nicht Wunderbar) isn't close to being awful, but watching it again recently (in widescreen for the first time ever) was kind of awkward. And I think you all know what I'm about to say next. That's right, the amount of heterosexual stalking in this movie is insane. Every time you see a character doing something, you should always assume that another character is leering at them from a safe distance. What was once a lighthearted, John Hughes-approved romp, is now a dark, twisted movie about a socially maladjusted auto mechanic who exploits his trans-lesbian gal pal in order facilitate the entry of his erect penis into the vaginal cavity of a leggy redhead. While that might sound like quite the leap in tone, it's not. The movie hasn't changed one iota since it came out in 1987. It's me who's different. And I'm not going to sit idly by and let this movie's pro-stalker, pro-entitlement stance slide. Of course, I'm kinda kidding around. But part of me is dead serious. Some Kind of Wonderful is a dangerous movie.

If you think about it. Unpopular high school senior, Keith Nelson (Eric Stoltz), is basically a serial rapist/killer in training. Guilty over his desire to rape and murder a popular classmate named Amanda Jones (Lea Thompson), Keith pretends to attempt suicide everyday while walking home from his after school job at a garage.

His does this by walking in front of a moving train, but then stepping aside at the last minute. To give his psuedo-suicide attempt more significance, the industrial pop of Propaganda blasts on the soundtrack. Oh, and as with the majority of John Hughes' (teen) movies, the music heard throughout the production is outstanding (more on that later).

And not only does Keith time his train dodge perfectly, he manages to time it so he arrives at the home of Amanda Jones just as she's saying goodbye to her boyfriend, Hardy Jenns (Craig Sheffer), who is a giant dickwad.

Since he doesn't have the nerve to manhandle Amanda's organic structure, Keith takes out his frustrations on Laura (Maddie Corman), his younger sister, by physically abusing her. When Laura tries to complain to her parents, they simply shrug it off.

Her younger sister, Cindy (Candace Cameron), might be able to help Laura. But unfortunately, she's clearly deranged... in 1987 terms. If Cindy was around now, she would be a productive member of society; she believes in self-care and seems to give a shit about the environment (something unheard of in 1987). But this isn't now. So, Keith's reign of terror continues unabated.

In order to better familiarize himself with his victim, Keith sketches Amanda in full view of that giant dickwad Hardy, who is justifiably annoyed by this creepy ass display.

Realizing that Keith must be stopped at any cost, Watts (Mary Stuart Masterson), a staunch yet stealth trans-lesbian, decides to pretend that she's a heterosexual trans-woman who has a crush on him.

While most of the rubes who go to this high school buy the fact that Watts is a heterosexual trans-woman, Duncan (Elias Koteas), an affable skinhead (he's a punk with a shaved head), doesn't... buy it, and nearly blows Watts' cover by outing her in front of Keith, and a smattering of Goths and Metalheads.

Since serial rapists/murderers don't really have any use for college, Keith repeatedly shuts down his father's (John Ashton) multiple attempts to get him to "buckle down," and choose a college to attend once he finishes high school.

In the movie's most disturbing scene, Keith gets in trouble on purpose (he pulls the school's fire alarm). You see, the plan is to get sent to detention. I know, that doesn't sound like much of a plan. But the reason he does this is because he thinks Amanda is going to be there (while stalking her, he learns that Amanda has been given detention). Little does he know, but Amanda, no doubt using the shapeliness of her killer gams, manages to sweet talk her way out of serving any detention.

Finding it difficult to suppress her lesbian desire, Watts struggles to keep her girl cock under wraps. Watching her covet Amanda's femininity in the girls locker room was quite the eye-opener, and, not to mention, relatable af. I mean, who among us hasn't looked at Lea Thompson and said: I want to be her. I want her hair. I want her skin. I want her body. I want her everything. Am I right? Of course I'm right.

The look on Watts' face when Keith finally makes his move on Amanda says it all. She just let a vicious psychopath get his hooks into the woman she swore to protect. It's tragic.

As you might expect, this simple act upsets the balance of the universe, as the entire school's social order is thrown into disarray.

Will Watts be able to stop Keith before he rapes and murders Amanda Jones? And how long will she be able keep the fact that she's a trans-lesbian a secret? It's hard to say, as the film offers no easy answers. I mean, will Watts have to masquerade as a trans-woman who digs a cishet man for the rest of her life?

God, I hope not. Look at him! He's not Goth at all. *shudders*

  

Speaking of Goth, the film's soundtrack might open with an industrial-tinged pop classic. But make no mistake, Some Kind of Wonderful is a Goth movie. Well, Goth pop. Or, better yet, Goth pop-lite. Three of the movie's key songs are performed by bands/artists who are super-Gothy.

Sadly, Flesh for Lulu (veterans of the Batcave scene) and The March Violets (veterans of the Leeds scene - the same scene that spawned The Sisters of Mercy) were not as Goth when this movie came out. Meaning, what you are hearing from them is basically watered-down Goth. Which is a damn shame. All that's missing from the OST is a song by Gene Loves Jezebel, who are another great example of a Goth band who slowly turned pop as the '80s progressed (they went from "Shaving My Neck" to "Desire" within the span of three short years).

In case you're wondering... Yes, I consider Charlie Sexton's "Beat's So Lonely" to be Goth. Okay, it's Goth-adjacent, but still... At any rate, "Beat's So Lonely" is probably my fave song from the movie as of right now.

As for a favourite character. I'm torn between Maddie Corman's Laura and Elias Koteas' Duncan. Anytime these two are onscreen the film seems to come alive. Plus, they're hilarious and are the only ones who didn't give off a stalker-ish vibe.

Oh, and that whole subplot that involves Keith spending all his hard earned money on a pair of earrings to give to Amanda Jones was just plain stupid. I mean, I can see spending it on electrolysis or laser hair removal (I've read that doing a bit of both can be quite effective). You know, something worthwhile. But earrings?!? What the fuck, Keith. You bland, totally unhinged, creepy as fuck, non-Goth motherfucker.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to piss like a racehorse (damn these fuckin' titty skittles).

Meet the Applegates (Michael Lehmann, 1990)

Over the past year, I've seen the stocking tops of rock legend Deborah Harry (Drop Dead Rock), Star Trek: DS9 actress Nana Visitor (The Spirit), Dame Helen Mirren (The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover) and Brat Pack-adjacent cutie-pie Jami Gertz (Less Than Zero). Well, you can add another stocking top glimpse to my ever-growing list. No, not Stockard Channing. What's that? Cami Cooper? Uh-uh, not her either. At around the midway point in Meet the Applegates, the best satire about a family of giant praying mantis' living in suburban Ohio to come out in 1990, and, not to mention, the third best "Meet" movie from the period (Meet the Hollowheads is #1, while Meet the Feebles comes in at #2), we get to see the tops of Dabney Coleman's stockings. You heard right. I said, Dabney Coleman. I'll give you a few seconds to adjust your genitals, as they no doubt changed shape the moment I said Dabney Coleman's name in correlation with stocking tops. Are you good? Great. While I was already sold on this movie way before he even makes his first appearance, Dabney Coleman in drag pretty much solidified its standing as a substantial work of art.

Taking place in the same small town Ohio universe that birthed Heathers and Welcome Home Roxy Carmichael, Meet the Applegates... Actually, now that I think about it, Meet the Applegates could be seen as a sequel to Heathers. Sure, the script lacks Daniel "Fuck Me Gently With a Chainsaw" Waters' trademark snarky dialogue. It does, however, boast other less important  Heather alumni, such as writer-director Michael Lehmann, tubby southern dandy Glenn Shadix, three out of the four producers (including Denise Di Novi), and Mark Bringelson and Chuck Lafont (the cops from the "oh, man, I can't believe they were fags" scene). So, you see, it's got a lot more going for it than Dabney Coleman in drag.

If that wasn't enough... (Yeah, yeah. Not only does Dabney Coleman appear in drag, but he plays a praying mantis disguised as Dabney Coleman dressed in drag.) I was going to say, Susan Barnes (Repo Man) puts on a kooky sweater clinic in this movie. But you're kind of right. There are actually multiple levels going on with Dabney Coleman's character.

Let's see if I can break it down: Dabney Coleman plays Aunt Bea, the queen of a species of large praying mantises who live in the Amazon rainforest. In order to pass as human, Aunt Bea uses the body of a man who looks like Dabney Coleman. And since Aunt Bea is still a female praying mantis underneath her Dabney Coleman costume, she instinctively wears women's clothing.

Not to toot my own horn, but that has got to be the greatest Dabney Coleman/Aunt Bea break down ever.

The reason Aunt Bea is trying to pass as human is because the forest her species of praying mantis (the "Brazilian Cocorada bug") calls home is being threatened by deforestation. And since they can't strike back at humanity looking like praying mantises (though, I can't see why not), they decide instead to go undercover. And this is where the Applegates come in.

Sent on a mission to destroy a nuclear power plant in suburban Ohio, the Applegates,  Dick Applegate (Ed Begley Jr.), Jane Applegate (Stockard Channing), Sally Applegate (Cami Cooper) and Johnny Applegate (Robert Jayne, a.k.a. Bobby Jacoby), pretend to be an average American family.

In-between keeping Aunt Bea informed of their progress and maintaining the illusion that they're normal, the Applegate's struggle to resist the many temptations that humans face on a daily basis.

The first to succumb to temptation is Sally, who causes Vince Samson (Adam Biesk - Corey Halfrick from My So-Called Life), a high school football player, to pop a chubby when she walks by in red shorts. Now, it should be noted that while Sally is interested in Vince (and his erect penis), she clearly didn't want him to rape her on a trampoline.  No, that's definitely not what she intended. As a result of this rape, Sally's gets pregnant. However, instead of calling the police, Sally elects to rap him up in a cocoon and hide his anesthetized corpse in her bedroom closet.

In today's world, rape and high school football go hand in hand. But back in 1990, rape was frowned upon. In other words, this was a big deal back then. Or maybe it wasn't. I remember it being illegal, that's for sure.

You could apply the same logic almost every temptation subplot. Take Bobby's dilemma, for example. If you were to see a movie or a TV show made today that featured a teenage boy smoking pot, you would probably shrug your shoulders. But back in 1990, smoking pot was a no-no. As you might expect, the sight of a fresh-faced Bobby–who befriends Kevin and Kenny (Philip Arthur Ross and Steven Robert Ross), a couple of stoners/headbangers in matching denim vests–smoking weed out of a bong sent shock waves across the square, Just Say No-saturated landscape that was 1990.

Since I'm on a role, I might as well bring up Jane's temptation, which is, credit card debt. While browsing the local dumpsters for groceries (remember, they're praying mantises, not people), Jane makes friends with Opel Withers (Susan Barnes), the stylish wife of Dick's boss. When Opel takes Jane clothes shopping, she is surprised to learn that Jane doesn't have a credit card. Well, you can pretty much guess what happens next. (Jane gets a credit card?) And not only that... (She accumulates a massive credit card bill?) Well, yeah.

Anyway, like rape and marijuana usage, credit card debt is now seen as an everyday part of life. In fact, if you're not a pot smoking rapist in debt, the government views you with suspicion.

Should I mention Dick's temptation? What the hell. It's basically sex. The temptation for a man to mount the milfy hips of a shapely co-worker in a sexual manner  has always been around, so, this subplot lacks the bite of the others. Nonetheless, I found Savannah Smith Boucher's "milfy hips" to be sublime and would mount them in a New York minute... if she wanted me to. Remember kids. Rape is against the law. Oh, and Miss Boucher, in case you're wondering, plays "Dottie," Dick's sultry secretary.

While not really a temptation, per se, I thought the film's pro-environmental message to be a tad ahead of its time. Most folks don't know this, but the only people who were genuinely interested protecting the environment back in 1990 were Sting and, ironically, Ed Begley Jr., so, to see a relatively mainstream Hollywood movie imply that cutting down the rainforest could have a negative effect on the planet's ecosystem was quite daring.

If I didn't know any better, I think, judging by what I've written so far, that this film is trying to tell us something. Sure, it might have failed miserably at stopping the rise of rape culture, and its stance on drugs might seem outdated in today's pro-legalization climate, but Meet the Applegates was on the cutting edge when it came to saving the planet.

Messages aside, the film is actually funny in places. The biggest laugh comes when Jane stumbles across Dick watching television in the middle of the afternoon, and Dick says, "I thought I'd take the afternoon off to watch some curling." I don't know if Dick knows this, but watching curling is the least normal thing an American can do.

As the Applegate's start to run out of places to hide all the people they've "kidnapped" (each family member ends up cocooning someone in a sack made out of fibrous material), things begin to spiral out of control. It doesn't help matters that Dick's hooked on milf pussy, Jane's become a shopaholic, Johnny's a drug addict and Sally's a pregnant lesbian. If only there was a way for humanity and nature to coexist with one another. According to this film, coexistence is possible. But that dream has long since died. Well, that was a depressing thought. To cheer myself up, I'm going to put on my winklepickers and dance to The Sisters of Mercy... in the dark. "Black. Black planet. Black. Black world." Oh, yeah... that's the stuff.

Special thanks to Stacie for recommending this movie.

Cobra (George P. Cosmatos, 1986)

How long do you think the members of so-called "New Order" knock their axes together? I'm no expert when it comes to ritualistic axe knocking, but I'd say no longer than five minutes. Sure, the Night Slasher, their non-charismatic leader, can knock axes till the cows come home (he has the upper body strength to handle a full day's worth of axe knocking). But what about those of us who can't hack it? (get it, hack it). We've got axes to knock, too. Or, I should say, we've got axes to grind, too (man, I'm on fire today). Is there no place for weaklings in the New Order? Even though only me and probably around five other people thought this, I still think the axe knocking sequence that opens Cobra, a glorified commercial for Pepsi and Coors, was what inspired the music video for "New Mind," the opening track from Swans' Children of God album. Granted, no axes are knocked together, but there's plenty of axe swinging. Anyway, as any child of the 1980s will tell you, the poster for this movie was everywhere during the spring of 1986. And even though Sylvester Stallone is the epitome of lame, the shot of him on the poster wearing his signature aviator sunglasses holding a Jatimatic SMG below a tagline that reads: "Crime is a disease. Meet the cure," is the stuff of one-sheet legend.

This leads to the question: Does Cobra live up to its poster? Yes, I realize this question should have been answered years ago, but now is a good a time as any. Nonetheless, you could say the poster and the movie are exactly the same. Both are flat and square. Zing!

Seriously, did you see that photo of Ronald Reagan on the wall of Lieutenant Cobretti's office? Ugh! I have no problem with people admiring Ronald Reagan nowadays (time has a habit of distorting history). But admiring him during 1980s?!? That's just plain wrong.

Moving on, since Sylvester Stallone and Brigitte Nielsen both possess a minimal grasp of the English language, it's up to Lee Garlington to carry the brunt of the film's linguistic burden. Oh, wait, that's right, she only has a handful of lines. That being said, the way she says the word, "Yes," in response to the query: Are you drunk?" was the best line delivery of the entire film.

(Um, the line is actually: "Have you been drinking or something?") Either way, her delivery of the word "yes" was spot-on. Okay, now that we cleared that up, let's circle back and try to sort through this humongous turd in a calm and rational manner.

I'll give the filmmakers some credit, the opening credits are pretty cool. Sure, they begin with  Marion 'Cobra' Cobretti (Sylvester Stallone) reciting crime statistics in an overly serious manner, but I liked the way the shot of a man riding a motorcycle was edited together with footage of the New Order knocking their axes together.

It turns out that the guy on the motorcycle (Marco Rodríguez) is a member of the New Order and he's heading to a nearby supermarket to cause a little trouble.

Pulling out a shotgun, the so-called "Supermarket Killer" blows away the produce section. At first I thought he had a grudge against veggies, but it's clear that his agenda has got nothing to do with the evils of asparagus. Holding a group of shoppers hostage, the Supermarket Killer demands that he get access to the media. While the cops (lead by Detective Andrew Robinson and Captain Art LaFleur) have the store surrounded, they're at a loss. Realizing that he's probably going to regret saying it, Art LaFleur suggests they call Cobra.

Now, I don't know what it is about Cobra that makes him so special (as far as I know he has no superpowers). Nevertheless,  Lieutenant Cobra saunters into the store without a care in the world. How do I know he was carefree? Let's just say people who walk around in public with a unlit matchsticks in their mouths are the definition of carefree; they're also the definition of pompous jackasses, but let's try to focus on one thing at a time.

Personally, I think he's perfect for this particular job because he doesn't seem to care about the rules. Yeah, I think that's it. Oh, and, by the way, the reason Cobra doesn't care about the rules is because he plays by his own rules.

Case in point: When the Supermarket Killer threatens to blow up the store with a bomb, Cobra replies: "Go ahead... I don't shop here." See what I mean?

When he's done taking care of the shotgun-wielding psycho at the supermarket,  Lieutenant Cobra heads home to eat cold pizza and clean his gun. He would have gotten home sooner had it not been for the unruly Hispanic gang members who decide to harass the hard-boiled cop outside his apartment. Wait a minute, I think I got it the other way around. Call me crazy, but I think Cobra was the instigator. Think about it, the Hispanic gang members were simply minding their own business when this colossal douche comes along and starts causing shit.

As you might expect, it's tough to root for the film's hero when he's so thoroughly unpleasant. That being said, the film's villain, the Night Slasher (Brian Thompson), isn't that appealing either. I know, he's not supposed to be "appealing." But other than the axe knocking thing and that freaky-looking knife he carries, there isn't really much to this guy.

What this film needs is a montage. One that features Sylvester Stallone shaking down lowlifes and Brigitte Nielsen posing for pictures set to "Angel of the City" by Robert Tepper. Yeah, this is what it needs and this is what it delivers.

The best thing about this montage is the fact that "Angel of the City" drowns out Sylvester Stallone's dialogue. Screw that noise. The best thing about this montage is the sight of Brigitte Nielsen posing up a storm for a robot-themed, wig-tastic photo shoot. Work it, girl!

After Brigitte Nielsen's Ingrid witnesses the New Order murder a woman at the side of the road, she finds herself in their cross-hairs for the rest of the movie. Anyone care to guess who's put in charge of protecting Ingrid? That's right, Lieutenant Marion 'Cobra' Cobretti. And, yep, his real name is "Marion."

Since staying in the city is not a viable option (both Ingrid and Cobra are nearly killed by the New Order), they decide to relocate to the country. And it's during this relocation period that Brigitte Nielsen says to Sylvester Stallone: "Can ask you something?" When I heard her say this, I was like, Noooooo! Why would you want to ask Sylvester Stallone ask something? Nothing good can come from this. And just like I predicted, nothing good does come from this. If I had to sum up this movie using only one word, it would be: Asinine.