Shock 'Em Dead (Mark Freed, 1991)

Finally, a movie with the guts to expose the ugly truth behind the popularity of hair metal. I always knew the genre's inexplicable run as the music of choice for America's youth was voodoo-related. I mean, how else can you explain the fact these bands sold millions of albums? Guitars and drums? Oh, how boring. Of course, I'm being somewhat facetious. But deep down, you have to wonder, what if the reason so many L.A. hair metal bands became so popular back in the 1980s/pre-Nevermind early 1990s was because their members had made a demonic deal with a Voodoo Woman with Mobility Issues? Personally, I could care less about hair metal and why it was so popular, as Shock 'Em Dead is probably one of the most stocking top friendly movies I've ever seen. And we're not talking bland nylons up in this joint, we're talking statement hose, yo. What's "statement hose," you ask? Statement hose is hosiery that makes a motherfuckin' statement, and the hose attached to the legs of the leggy floozies assigned to demonic rock star Angel Martin do just that... make a motherfuckin' statement. I know what you're thinking to yourself, how do I get "assigned" a trio of statement hose-wearing leggy floozies? Well, the first thing you have to do is run into a Voodoo Woman with Mobility Issues. Granted, she doesn't have to have "mobility Issues," but it doesn't hurt. What I mean is, you have a better chance of running into a Voodoo Woman if she has mobility issues. It's simple physics. And from the looks of things, the best place to run into a Voodoo Woman with Mobility Issues is outside Pizza Playhouse.

It should be noted that the Voodoo Woman with Mobility Issues (Tyger Sodipe) in this film can grant you anything your heart desires. But seeing that this film takes place entirely in Hollywood, the majority of the Voodoo Woman with Mobility Issues' "clients" are wannabe rock stars. Which, again, explains why L.A. was crawling with so many grown men in leather pants during that particular period in history.

Now, I don't mean to imply that grown men in leather pants is a bad thing. It's just that... Actually, uh... I'm sorry, but the image of Stephen Quadros (the scarecrow from Dr. Caligari) sitting on the couch in that sleazy record exec's office in a pair of leather pants just popped into my head. And, I have to say, what a glorious image it is.

In fact, if I was in charge of men's fashion, I would force everyone to dress the way Stephen Quadros does after the Voodoo Woman with Mobility Issues makes his dream of becoming a rock star come true. I liked how his look combined classic L.A. hard rock stylings with traditional Gothic fashion.

To put it another way: Type O Negative? More like, Type O Positive, as am I positively in love with Stephen Quadros' gothic doom metal attire in this movie. Gorgeous.

And to think, before he met the Voodoo Woman with Mobility Issues, he was just a lowly pizza chef without big hair who lived in a rundown trailer park. 

Speaking of being without big hair, what's up with Traci Lords' hair in this movie? I mean, why isn't it big like her co-stars? At first I was annoyed. Then it dawned on me. Not only is Traci Lords' hair awesome, it's precise as fuck.

Look at her bangs, goddamn it! Have you ever seen anything so meticulously crafted? I don't know who did Traci's hair, but the fact they bucked the big hair trend that was literally polluting the atmosphere in 1991 needs to be recognized (I love the smell of Aqua Net in the morning...). And since I'm only one here at the moment, it's up to me to get the word out about Traci Lords' hair in Shock 'Em Dead.

As for Traci's wardrobe. While it's a tad on the conservative side, especially when compared to Stephen Quadros' assigned leggy floozies and even the Jonny Crack (Markus Grupa), the flamboyant soon to be ex-lead singer of Spastique Kolon, I did like how she mixed vests and jeans with old Hollywood glamour. If I had to pick two people who clearly inspired her looks in this movie, I'd have to say, Debbie Gibson and Veronica Lake.

In case you didn't know, my favourite cover version of Jimi Hendrix's "Purple Haze" is by The Fibonaccis. But if I had to choose a second favourite, it would have to be the one by Spastique Kolon that opens Shock 'Em Dead. While it's nothing all that special musically (the guitar work is weak), the sheer enthusiasm of their aggressively campy frontman, Jonny Crack, is hard to ignore.

Seriously, how do you ignore a man in a teal crop-top?

The reason, by the way, that guitar work is weak on their "Purple Haze" cover is because Spastique Kolon are in the process of auditioning a new guitar player at their rehearsal space. And what we hear as the film gets underway is another in a long line of terrible musicians.

Since the band have an important show tomorrow, the band, desperate to fill the position, let a dorky pizza chef named Martin (Stephen Quadros) audition. To no-one's surprise, Martin is awful, and is openly mocked by Jonny, who usually let's the auditionees down easy.

Unable to get his job back at Pizza Playhouse (he quit in order to go to the audition), Martin decides to consult the mysterious Voodoo Woman with Mobility Issues. Asking him what he wants, Martin tells the Voodoo Woman with Mobility Issues that he wants to be "the greatest rock star in the world." And, after a brief ritual and a freaky dream sequence (a green-eyed Michael Angelo Batio is shown at one point playing a double-guitar in a graveyard), Martin wakes up with big hair in a mansion that contains three leggy floozies who are there to do his bidding.

Did I mention that Martin's leggy floozies are never not in lingerie? No? Hmm, that was stupid of me. Anyway, greeted at first by Michelle (Karen Russell), Martin eventually meets Monique (Laurel Wiley) and Marilyn (Gina Parks), and is told that he can have anything his heart desires. Well, anything but food. I'll explain that in a minute (if there's time). In the meantime, Martin, who now calls himself "Angel Martin," wastes no time heading down to Spastique Kolon's rehearsal space (with his leggy floozies in tow) to show off his newly acquired talent. Of course, the members of Spastique Kolon, including the aforementioned Jonny, their bass player Greg (Tim Moffett), drummer Dustin (Christopher Maleki), keyboardist Izzy (David Homb) and manager Lindsay Roberts (Traci Lords) have no idea that Angel Martin is the pizza guy who auditioned earlier. Nevertheless, despite giving Jonny plenty of attitude (this scene reminded me of the interplay between Mozart and Salieri in Amadeus), the band hire Angel on the spot.

To celebrate, Angel invites the band over to party at his mansion. While this might seem like a nice gesture on his part, what Angel really wants is to put the moves on Lindsay. Unfortunately, just as the party is about to get underway, Angel learns that his new life as a rock star comes with a price. And one of the biggest is that he has to kill (using special daggers) in order to survive (something about absorbing their souls through their stab wounds). Now, you would think that learning that he's a soulless rock demon would put a damper on his love life. But it doesn't. If anything, Angel seems to be more determined than ever to woo Lindsay away from Greg the bass player.

Will the now demonic Angel be able to shred his way into Lindsay's heart? How do the leggy floozies feel about Angel's obsession with Lindsay? Aren't they enough for him? Normally, I would say that the leggy floozies have a point. But you've got to remember, Lindsay is played by Traci Lords, who, in this film, is at the height of her post-porn foxiness.

Oh, and get this, I recently learned that Linda Blair was the first choice to play Lindsay, but her manager at the time was trying to get her non-horror roles, so, he or she passed on it. Sure, Traci Lords is amazing. But imagine Linda Blair as Lindsay. Dang, that would have been sweet.

All right, where was I? Oh, yeah, the spurned leggy floozies. Don't feel too bad about the leggy floozies. They seem content to serve their metal master, especially Marilyn, who performs exemplary work during the film's epic finale. And she does so while wearing lingerie.

It's true, I'm not the biggest fan of hair metal (a.k.a. glam metal), but as far as hair metal fashion goes, you're not going to find a more appealing aesthetic. And if wasn't for that aesthetic, I don't think this film would be as beloved as it is. I'm not kidding around, the way the Hollywood hair metal aesthetic, which, unlike other metal scenes, manages to include punk (Angel Martin wears a T.S.O.L. t-shirt at one point), goth (the outfit Angel wears to the office of the record company his band signs with practically screams Andrew Eldritch... well, the leather pants do) and new wave (the leggy floozies wear radioactive lingerie-esque lingerie) styles is the key to its success. And, of course, it's the key to this film's overall success.

She Wolves of the Wasteland (Robert Hayes, 1988)

If there's one thing that annoys me about films that purportedly take place in a post-apocalyptic hellscape and/or wasteland, it's the one's that don't utilize punk and new wave fashions. I don't care if the end of the world was caused by nuclear or zombie-based means, I want to see lots of mohawk-sporting people–preferably hot chicks–wearing fingerless gloves while attempting to fire shotguns from moving dune buggies. What I don't want to see is a lot of pointless blather and self-absorbed navel gazing. And luckily the producers of She Wolves of the Wasteland (a.k.a. Phoenix the Warrior) don't engage in any of that nonsense. Probably because they don't know what "navel gazing" entails exactly (perhaps they think it involves watching ships sailing out to sea). But then again, the encounter with the Rezule warriors, a mutant race of TV worshiping nomads who live on the outskirts of the "badlands," during the film's third does a pretty decent job of mocking television, while, at the same time, reminding me of Current 93, particularly the stuff they made between 'Dogs Blood Rising' and 'Swastikas for Noddy.' And I'm not talking about your everyday, run-of-the-mill mocking, I'm talking about the subtle variety, the kind that causes you to look at something from a decidedly cockeyed point-of-view. When it's not skewering those who live a sedentary lifestyle or reminding me of the music of David Tibet, it's busy doing other things. Channeling films like, Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior (protective sports equipment worn in a non-athletic environment), Megaforce (dune buggies and Persis Khambatta), Golden Temple Amazons (scantily clad warrior women), The Women (with one or two exceptions, the cast is all female) and Hell Comes to Frogtown (sperm is a treasured commodity), the action-packed film, written and directed by Robert Hayes, is terribly acted yet immensely enjoyable slice of late '80s exploitation cheese.
 

 

Getting back to my original point for a second, the punk and new wave fashions seen throughout She Wolves of the Wasteland, all designed by Jill Conners, are what make the film work. The reason I'm looking forward to the apocalypse, besides the fact that I can carry my Steyr Aug around in public without having to worry about being constantly hassled by the man, is that I can wear pretty much anything I want. Sure, I can do that now, but I think the apocalypse will erode any nagging inhibitions I've been secretly harbouring, and allow me to fly my freak flag without shame. You see, I don't see the apocalypse as a negative, I see it as an opportunity; one that involves neon-coloured garter belts, buckled footwear for as far as Siouxsie Sioux can see, and automatic weapons. 
 

 

The desert. The reason it's the go-to location for filmmakers working with a limited budget is because it manages to convey a sense of emptiness without costing the producers an arm and a leg. And one of those legs belongs to associate producer Persis Khambatta, who also stars as Colbalt, the primary henchwoman for the dictatorial Reverend Mother (Sheila Howard), a creepy-looking woman who manufactures sperm for a living. Well, at least she tries to. You see, the bacterial wars have wiped out all the men. Able to breed women, the Reverend Mother, called so because she is responsible for creating the majority of the world's women in her lab, is having trouble producing men.
 

 

Anyway, as you might expect, the Reverend Mother has developed a bit of a god complex. A woman (Michi, yeah, that's her name) tries to make off with some of her precious seed in a dune buggy, but is chased down by her band of warrior women, who are also driving dune buggies. Punishment for crossing the Reverend Mother usually involves death by absorption; her veins are coursing with estrogen and homemade sperm.
 

 

Outside on the streets of a desert shanty town, a so-called "breeder" is on the loose. Wearing a pair of aqua-coloured short shorts, so it's going to be hard for her to hide in a universe that's been soaking in taupe, Keela (Peggy McIntaggart) is not only with child, she's with male child. Luckily, just as Keela is about to be captured by a couple of bounty hunters, Phoenix (Kathleen Kinmont), a "sand trapper" with split ends, comes to her rescue by employing the old "toss an apple in the air, shoot your enemies in the chest with a shotgun as they stare at it falls through the air" trick. After engaging in a brief shoot-out with some of Reverend Mother's women, Phoenix ushers Keela to safety. Though, it should be said that Keela does save Phoenix from certain death at one point during the gun battle that ensues after the apple tossing incident.   
 

 

On top of being female, it would seem that headbands are mandatory in this universe. It's just something that I noticed as the women fired automatic weapons at one another. Speaking of noticing stuff, I couldn't help but notice that the shanty town's prerequisite Asian prostitute (Marta May) isn't wearing one. Yeah, that's right. She might love you long time, but she will do so without the aid of a headband. I guess she felt that her spiky hairdo didn't need the fabric-based security that only a finely woven headband can provide. If one of her spiky hairs does wind up getting in her face as she mock laps up the contents of a tricks' sweltering cooze, than so be it.
 

 

As Phoenix and Keela are making their getaway, it dawned on me that Peggy McIntaggart is a horrible actress. To be fair, she does get better as the film progresses. But, oh my, those initial scenes with Kathleen Kinmont were pretty grim. Bad actress or not, a visibly upset Cobalt vows to hunt down Keela if it's the last thing she does. As she's making this vow, two of her underlings, a long-haired brunette and a short-haired blonde with kung-fu skills, decide to fight one another. Finding temporary refuge with a tribe of Eluz warriors, the kind of women who bath in waterfalls with the beige bikini bottoms on (a society that is afraid of unclothed vaginas is a sick society), Leela, utilizing the muscles of her vaginal wall, eventually gives birth to her male child, which she names "Skyler."
 

 

Somehow able to sense where Skyler is, the Reverend Mother sends Cobalt to steal Skyler away from her mother. Well, actually, she doesn't really see it as stealing, as she views Skyler as her property. Either way, Cobalt and her forces attack the Eluz camp, resulting in a massive firefight. As the two sides are battling it out, Keela, Phoenix, and baby Skyler manage to slip away.
 

 

Five years have pasted, or maybe it was six, and Keela and Phoenix are still wandering the desert. There's no doubt in my mind that raising a boy in such a hostile environment is hard work, but they seem to be managing. Stumbling upon a rundown shack, they decide to crash there for awhile.  Heading into town to pick up some supplies, Phoenix encounters the shanty town Asian prostitute, who asks her, "Wanna date"? The look of annoyance on Phoenix's face when the Asian prostitute asks her for a date rubbed me the wrong way. Mainly because she seemed shocked that lesbianism would flourish in a world populated entirely by women. Nonetheless, I was happy to see the Asian prostitute, as her spiky hair, suspender pantyhose, and humourless expression managed to fill my heart with an unexpected amount of joy.
 

 

Replete with chicks carrying guns while wearing torn clothing, you wouldn't think that She Wolves of the Wasteland needed a man to spruce things up, but that's exactly what happens. Remember the shack I mentioned? It turns out it belongs to Guy (James Emery), a "seed tank" escapee who is the last man on earth, well, he was the last one, that is, until Skyler came along. After feeling his junk ("It's real!"), Leela and Phoenix are just about to take him for a test drive, when–you guessed it–Cobalt and her merry band of torn fishnet enthusiasts show up to cause trouble.
  

 

 

Unable to getaway in time (Keela, Guy and Skyler are able to escape via an underground pipe), Phoenix is captured and forced to fight in Cobalt's gladiator arena (keep an eye out for the Asian prostitute, as she makes her third and final appearance as an audience member). Taking on women with names like, Mohawk (Karen Russell), Blondie (Susan Overman), Orange Hair (Ginger Justin), and Neon (Laurie de Nuccio), Phoenix's skills as a warrior are put to the test.
 

 

Will Keela be able to convince Guy to help her mount a rescue attempt? Promising him a free dune buggy is a start. What did Keela do with those aqua short shorts? Why do they keep mentioning that they're about to enter "the badlands," when everywhere they went looked like "the badlands." I mean, there was nothing to differentiate the badlands from the areas that were supposedly not badlands. What was the deal with that translucent goo that was going through the tubes connected to the Reverend Mother's head and neck? And how come Kathleen Kinmont and Peggy McIntaggart don't appear topless? Some of these questions are answered at the end of She Wolves of the Wasteland, but most, sadly, are not.

 

 

Oh, and if anyone knows the name of the "actress" who plays the tall blonde in the torn black pantyhose who works for Cobalt, please let me know.

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