Pretty Peaches (Alex de Renzy, 1978)

Is it okay if I use the word "spunk" to describe Desiree Cousteau's performance in Alex de Renzy's Pretty Peaches? The only reason I ask is because I'm sure lot's of other people have used the word "spunk" to describe Desiree Cousteau in this hardcore gem from the late 1970s and I don't want come across as a hack. However, after watching my first(!) Desiree Cousteau movie, I'm afraid no other word is applicable. You didn't here it first, but it bears repeating: Desiree Cousteau has spunk. To not fall under her spunky spell in... (Spunky spell?!?) What? No good? Let me put it another way: It is virtually impossible for one not to be enchanted by this frequently naked enchantress. Impossible, I tell you. (Even when she has a torrent of rectum-adjacent water spewing from of her anus?) Are you kidding? Even more so. In fact, the enema scene did nothing but solidify my opinion that Desiree Cousteau is a spunk-ridden spunk factory. It also didn't hurt that the flood of mountain stream-quality poop-chute water spraying from her impeccably designed butt-hole was so powerful, that it caused the "physician" administrating the enema to fall to the floor in a comical manner.

While the scene I just described might sound a tad off-putting to those not firmly ensconced within the wet and wild confines of the enema community, it's actually one of the funniest scenes ever committed to celluloid. And you wanna know why it's so funny? Well, yeah, the sight of people being knocked over by ass water is inherently funny (it would have been even funnier if the ass water had a taupe sheen to it). No, it's funny because Desiree Cousteau has–yep, you guessed it–spunk.

It's a good thing she's got spunk. I mean, imagine how grim this film would have been had it starred a non-spunky actress? Noodle with that thought a bit. I dare you. Pretty frightening, eh?

Obviously we don't have to think about that, as Desiree Cousteau's shapely stems transport her from one depraved situation to another with a wide-eyed sense of confused wonder.

Speaking of confused wonder, has any actress nailed being a clueless twit so effortlessly? Sure, Tara Reid's exemplary work in Josie and the Pussycats immediately comes to mind. But other than that, I don't think I have ever seen an actress play stupid so convincingly.

Opening with the line, "My daddy's getting married today and I'm going to the wedding," Peaches (Desiree Cousteau) hops in her jeep(!) and heads to the ceremony. And by "ceremony," I'm talking about a dingy strip mall chapel/casino located somewhere in the wilds of northern California.

Arriving just in time to see her father, Hugh (John Leslie), marry some skinny chick with hairy legs named Lilly (Flower), Peaches congratulates the happy couple and hugs her new mom.

Feeling neglected by the happy couple while playing the slots, Peaches drives off in a huff into the countryside. Am I crazy, or is Desiree Cousteau really driving that jeep? The only reason I ask is because she's not taking it slow. In fact, she's tearing across the rugged landscape with what is clearly a reckless abandon.

Crashing into some shrubs near where a couple of dudes, Kid (Joey Silvera) and Terry (Ken Scudder), are experiencing car trouble, Peaches stumbles out of the jeep and collapses on the ground.

Nowadays, the decision to not grope an unconscious woman is an easy one (at least I hope it is). However, back in the late 1970s, things were a little more complicated. Now, I'm not saying groping the comatose was a common practice back then, I'm just saying... Actually, I have no idea what I'm saying. Nevertheless, Kid and Terry decide to loosen Peaches' clothing–you know, to help alleviate her not conscious state.

"Do you think her panties are on too tight"? asks Terry to a perplexed Kid. After gingerly sliding her panties off, Kid begins to stroke her pussy.

While Terry thinks they have gone far enough, Kid takes it one step further and inserts his erect penis into her slumbering vagina. In a weird twist, Peaches begins to foster his thrusting. Of course, this doesn't make it okay, but it does manage to dampen some of the awkwardness.

When Peaches wakes up, she discovers that her panties are on inside out and that two strange men are with her. That's not the only thing she discovers, it would seem that Peaches doesn't know who she is. Taking advantage of her condition, Kid and Terry pretend her jeep is their jeep. Realizing that she doesn't want to be left alone in the woods, Peaches chooses to tag along with the two men, who are on their way to... San Francisco.

In order to cure Peaches' amnesia, Kid and Terry take her to see Kid's Uncle Percy. Now wearing a slinky black dress, Peaches enters the building her trademark swagger (I'd say her walk is a weird mix of idiocy and confidence). I'm not sure if this "Uncle Percy" is a real doctor. Think about it, would a real doctor try to treat amnesia with enemas? I know they're good for what ails you, but I think Peaches' problem is in her head, not her rectum.

Nevertheless, the sight of wave after wave of crystal clear water spurting from Peaches' faultless anus brought a tear to my eye. I only wish I could tell you how many spurts took place during the soggy barrage. But, alas, I forgot to keep track of them. If I were to guess, I'd say it took at least four separate spurts to empty Peaches' rectum. I can't believe I failed to count the number of spurts... I must be slipping.

Anyway, you would think that Peaches would never to want to speak to Kid and Terry after what just happened, but she ends up crashing at their place.

Meanwhile, Hugh and Lilly have just returned from their honeymoon, much to the chagrin of Hugh's housekeeper, Katja (Juliet Anderson, a.k.a. Aunt Peg). Worried about his daughter (it's not like her to run off like that), Hugh can't help but think she's in trouble. Oh, the reason Katja is experiencing chagrin-like symptoms is because she now has to share Hugh with another woman.

Did anyone else cry out in agony when John Leslie thoughtlessly pulls off Aunt Peg's fishnet stockings at the beginning of their sex scene? Just me, eh?

The enema Peaches' received from Uncle Percy is going to seem like a walk in the park compared to what the sleaze-bags at a local club have in store for her. Answering an ad in the paper, Peaches auditions for a job as a dancer. Sounds innocent enough. Only, the audition soon turns into a live sex show, one that features a bound Peaches being poked and prodded by a gang of unruly lesbians wielding dildos (some are strapped on, some are handheld) for a paying audience. That's San Francisco in the 1970s for you. One minute you're eating Bran Chex in your rapist's kitchen, the next you're lying spread eagle on a stage being violated by a gaggle of angry dykes.

Will Peaches remember who she is? Will Hugh ever find his daughter? Will Kid be charged with sexual assault? If you watch all the way to the end, you will receive the answer to at least two of these questions.

As usual, Pretty Peaches finishes with an orgy scene (one with an oil theme). Having your film end with an orgy scene, in Alex de Renzy's mind, is the best way to conclude a narrative-based motion picture, as it forces the characters to make decisions at their most vulnerable (naked and covered in other people's cum). And, I have to say, as far as formulas go, it works. Everything, well, almost everything, is resolved, and the showers that take place when the director yells cut are going to be glorious; there's nothing more satisfying than showering after an orgy; believe me, I don't know.

Femmes de Sade (Alex de Renzy, 1976)

Normally, I would gradually work my way to the scene I'm about to describe. But I can't stop thinking about it. Meaning, I'm afraid I'm going to have to write about it now. I hope you don't mind. Okay, here we go. First of all, I can't believe the amazing Monique Starr only ever appeared in three movies, as she  oozes exudes the right kind of charisma. However, after watching some of messed up shit she gets into in Alex de Renzy's Femmes de Sade, who could blame her? I mean, this film is a pretty tough act to follow. Oh, and when I say, "messed up shit," I'm not speaking metaphorically. Naked, but painted silver, Monique Starr's Royce, the North Beach, San Francisco prostitute with the toothy smile and the drag queen-quality eyebrows, enters the orgy with one thought and one thought only on her mind, and that is, revenge. While most people think revenge is a dish best served cold, Royce happens to think revenge should be served a tad on the warm side. After watching her fellow orgy-goers pee all over the object of her revenge en masse, Royce positions herself over her target. Crouching in a manner that is conducive to urination, Royce unleashes a torrent of piss all over her tormentor. Or does she? Unlike when her fellow orgy-goers peed en masse, we can't see what's coming out of Royce's body. For a second there, I felt somewhat cheated. Seriously, I thought the sight of Royce pissing all this sadistic asshole was what this film was all about. Well, it turns out Royce wasn't taking a piss, she was taking a shit.

As the lumps of freshly defecated fecal matter lay all over the overworked genitals belonging to Rocky de Sade (Ken Turner), I sat there dumfounded. Did she just do what I think she just did? When my dumbfoundedness eventually subsided, I started jumping up and down. And, yes, my jumping was entirely joy-based. I don't know what it was, but seeing Royce's poo languishing on Rocky's junk put me at ease.

However, it wasn't languishing there for long, as an unseen orgy-goer takes upon themselves to smear Royce's semisolid, mucus-coated poop all over his stomach and chest with their bare hands.

Actually, that's the part that upset me the most. No, not the loaf-pinching itself (like I said, that put me at ease), but the fact that the person doing the poo-smearing wasn't wearing gloves.

If you're asking yourself: What does someone have to do to justify being pissed on, shat upon and anally raped by a dildo at the greatest orgy the Bay Area has ever seen? Trust me, he had it coming. He, of course, being, Rocky de Sade, the man who puts the sick in sick fuck.

And, no, I'm not just saying that because I'm jealous of his "special ability," he is, hands down, one of the most objectionable people I've ever seen in a motion picture.

Getting out of prison, San Quentin, to be specific, Joe (Joey Silvera) is greeted at the gate by Ellen (Abigail Clayton), his loving girlfriend. Picking him in a convertible, Ellen plans on taking the newly free Joe to a cabin by the lake so that they may get reacquainted with one another, if you know what I mean. Unfortunately, just as they're about to drive off, Rocky de Sade hops in the back seat. Like Joe, Rocky just got released after doing three years/six months in the joint. When Joe suggests that he take the bus, Rocky replies, "Fuck the bus." Ahhh, just typing that gives me the willies. It's not the words themselves that cause the willies to happen, it's Ken Turner's voice, it's so unnerving.

So much so, that I almost forget to mention that Ellen is wearing a green and black skirt (the green side has polka-dots on it, while the black side has a floral pattern). She's also wearing black nylons, but I can't tell if they're stockings or pantyhose.
 

Wasting very little time, Joe and Ellen run into the cabin to get down to business, while Rocky waits in the car.

We have black stockings!!! I repeat, we have black stockings! Brushing his hand up Ellen's leg causes her skirt to swoosh upward. And in doing so, reveals the exact type of nylons Ellen is wearing. Savour this moment, my friends, as Alex de Renzy makes it's hard for us to enjoy their eventual copulation. Why's that, you ask? Um, hello? How can anyone enjoy sexual intercourse knowing Rocky de Sade is sitting outside? I know I can't, and I'm not even there. Despite Rocky's presence, Joe manages to achieve his first heterosexual orgasm in a long time (it's not made clear how long he was incarcerated for).

After taking a piss against a tree (shaking away the residual pee-based residue with a violent shaking motion), Rocky de Sade enters the cabin. When he's finished beating the hell out of Joe, Rocky de Sade ties Ellen to the bed (using her black stockings as restraints) and then proceeds to anally rape her. After unloading the physical manifestation of his orgasm all over Ellen's ass (shaking away the residual cum-based residue with a violent shaking motion), Rocky de Sade leaves the cabin.

Piercing the night air like a spear that's been dipped in hatred, the nearly seven foot tall Rocky de Sade spends the next couple of days stalking the streets of San Francisco's red light district.

Man, I thought Yonge Street and 42nd Street were scum-laden, this place is freakin' beautiful. The colours, the lights, the sights, the sounds, the garishness of it all, it's like heaven on earth.

Walking through this heaven like a couple of rock stars are Johnny (John Leslie), who works at a local adult bookstore/movie theatre, and Royce, a streetwise prostitute.

While the Rocky de Sade storyline is what drives the film, we're treated to three fantasy sequences that involve John Leslie.

The first takes place in a doctor's office, where John Leslie envisions himself as a doctor and Marge (Mimi Morgan), a customer in his adult bookstore, as his patient. Placing Marge on an exam table with stirrups, Dr. John removes her tan pantyhose, with some help from Nurse Royce, and proceeds to poke and prod her vagina with various objects. Ultimately settling on his own erect penis, John uses it to fuck her vagina for a period of time that didn't seem excessive.

The second fantasy sequence occurs after Royce and hooker friends (Annette Haven, Lesllie Bovee, et al) have a pizza party at John's adult bookstore. When one of the hookers mentions a trick who forced her cover herself with grease, John imagines himself and two other guys having sex with Lesllie Bovee in an engine room of some sort. On top of there being a lot of grease, the harsh sound of the machines gave this scene a real off-kilter vibe (industrial grease porn).

The less said about the third fantasy sequence, the better. There was nothing wrong with it from a conceptual point of view (John fantasizes about having sex with a couple of Asian women), it's just that John Leslie's eyes have been... How should I put this? Uh, they were slanted slightly. Oh, who am I kidding? They were slanted a lot.

Meanwhile, Rocky de Sade is busy showing a petite blonde prostitute (Melba Bruce) how to suck his cock. I know what you're thinking, he was showing her how by using a banana. Wrong! He showed her by sucking his own cock. Since Rocky de Sade can't leave a room without causing someone to experience pain and suffering, Rocky forces the prostitute to lick her own pussy. However, since she's not as limber as Rocky is, this causes her much discomfort (he nearly breaks her back).

A friend of Johnny's informs him that he's going to be throwing, "Blood and Mother's Milk: The 1st Annual Leather Ball... for Whores, Pimps, Queens and Queers... for Sadists and Masochists... Slaves and Masters... Music, Drink, Costumes a Must." As he's handing Johnny some complimentary tickets, Rocky de Sade grabs one for himself. Johnny and his friend try to protest, but as others have found out, it's hard to stand up to Rocky de Sade.
 

The melding of the Johnny plot and the Rocky de Sade plot gets even meldier(?) when the latter picks up Royce for a date. "Come on, honey, let's go get juicy," Royce tells Rocky, unknowing that she's about to enter a world of hurt.

Putting collar on her, Rocky... Oh, I liked how Royce cleans his cock with a moist cloth before sucking it (very classy). Anyway, the now collared Royce gets a cigarette put out on her chest, a bottle shoved up her ass and beaten to a bloody pulp.

Since Johnny knows that Rocky will probably be at the leather ball, he plans, along with Royce and her hooker friends, to get back him; or, as Johnny puts it, "fix his ass good."

Culminating with the leather ball sequence, Femmes de Sade throws every fetish and perversion in the book at us in what has to be the greatest orgy in cinematic history. Let's see if I can remember what I saw: Spanking, cross-dressing, stockings, shaved pussies, dildos, tea bagging, whips, chains, grown men in diapers, annilingus, doggielingus, black dudes dressed like Arab sheiks fucking white chicks, white dudes in lingerie fucking black chicks, body painting, crotchless panties, strap-ons, and masks... lot's of masks.

When a masked Rocky de Sade finally arrives (though, it's obvious it's him, he's seven feet tall), he's lulled into thinking he's amongst friends. Little does he know... Run, Rocky, it's a trap! Just kidding, I can't wait to see him finally get his comeuppance. Now, I've read that the scat scene is fake. In other words, Royce doesn't really take a dump on Rocky's dick. Either way, the moment she steps away from Rocky and it's implied that she took a crap on his crotch was truly electrifying.