Dangerous Seductress ( H. Tjut Djalil, 1995)

I don't know 'bout you, but the super-long car chase/shoot-out that opens Dangerous Seductress better have a decent pay off, because that was seven of the most painful minutes of cinema I have ever endured. Sure, it's seven painful minutes of hyper-insane Indonesian cinema, but there's only so much H. Tjut Djalil (Lady Terminator) can bring to car chases and shoot outs (two of the most overplayed tropes in movie history). Of course, given that this review is currently in the process of being hatched, it should come as no surprise that the film delivers on so many levels. And begins to do so immediately after the pink getaway car belonging to three jewel thieves crashes in front of the Jakarta mansion belonging to Linda (Kristin Anin), a blonde fashion model. While the police do their best to collect the mangled body parts that litter the crash scene, a severed finger manages to allude them. And you know what that means? Right, the finger is absorbed by an ancient compact mirror, and then burrows itself into ground. After some mild rumbling, a skeleton emerges. Slowly but surely, the skeleton begins to grow flesh. Eventually the skeleton transforms into... "The Evil Queen."
   

   
Don't worry, I'm sure nothing bad will happen. I mean, so what if there's a "dangerous seductress" loitering on the front lawn of the suburban Jakarta mansion belonging to a blonde fashion model? Just as long as a Guinean anthropologist doesn't give the blonde fashion model a book about Indonesian mysticism for her birthday, and just as long as the blonde fashion model's blonde sister, Susan (Tonya Lawson) doesn't decide to read from the book out loud while standing in front of a mirror, everything should be fine.
  

   
However, things don't turn out fine, now do they? Or do they? Unless you're proponent of heterosexual men and their equally heterosexual penises, everything actually will be fine. You see, when everything I stated earlier does happen, this leads to many deaths within Jakarta's burgeoning douchebag community. Boo-hoo? I don't think so.
   

   
And like said, it all happens thanks to a weird con-flux of events. In a way, you could blame Susan's asshole rapist of a boyfriend. While "The Evil Queen" is drinking dogs blood on Linda's Jakarta front lawn, Susan is trying not to get raped by her asshole rapist boyfriend on the dining room table. Thanks to the shoddy quality of the table (it collapses under the weight of the violence), Susan manages to escape.
   

   
Desperate for help, Susan turns to her sister in Jakarta, who is celebrating her birthday with her husband Bob (John Warom), a decent human being with suspect taste in blazers. Inviting Susan to stay with her in Jakarta, Linda helps her battered and bruised sister recover (her attack was extremely brutal).
   

    
It's when Linda goes to Bali for a photo-shoot and leaves Susan all alone that things begin to go nuts. Now, I don't know what compelled Susan to read that book on Indonesian mysticism aloud like that (I didn't get a strong likes to read books vibe from her). But nonetheless, the passages she reads lead to her becoming the unwitting pawn of... "The Evil Queen."
  

   
Was I annoyed that Susan's post-possession dress-up montage was three minutes shorter than the obnoxious car chase/shoot-out that opens the film? A little. That being said, I think most people, well, most sane people, will agree that Susan's dress-up montage is fucking fantastic. Seriously, I lost track of how many different outfits she tries on.
   

 
She even tries on red stockings!!!
   

   
Eventually settling on a little black dress, Susan hits the streets in search of sustenance. And by "sustenance," I mean douchebag blood.
   

   
I know it says that this film was shot in the mid-1990s. But everything practically oozes the mid-1980s. Maybe it's because Jakarta was a little behind when it came to keeping up with the latest fashions. Or maybe Jakarta circa 1995 is just plain awesome. Either way, the scenes in the nightclub contained everything I look for in a good club sequence.
    

   
(You mean fashion-forward leggy floozies and synthesizer music?) Exactly.
  

  
This place was crawling with fashion-forward leggy floozies.
 

   
And there's no better leggy floozy than Susan herself. A thousand times hotter than her sister, Susan and her sturdy legs and ample breasts make short work of the heterosexual men in this joint.
   

   
Settling on a lanky fuck in grey bikini briefs, Susan allows this oily twerp to escort her back to his boat so that she can extract his blood. Using a fishhook at first, Susan ultimately decides to use the spiky heel on her shoe to withdraw his... crimson nectar. Yum.
   

   
While I feel bad using the term "douchebag" to describe what are essentially man-shaped globs of yuppie scum, those three guys Susan lures to a meat locker on the outskirts of town were definitely douchebags. Again, using her sturdy legs and ample breasts, Susan manages to score three bodies worth of blood for... "The Evil Queen."
    

You might be thinking to yourself: Is anyone trying to stop Susan's reign of righteous terror? Well, there's this cop. But he seems more interested in hassling Linda, who he thinks might have stole some jewels from the corpses of the jewel thieves. But other than that, it looks like Susan and... "The Evil Queen" are pretty much in the clear as far as achieving their goals. Which is, I think, to restore... "The Evil Queen" to her original glory. And with Susan, a walking, sort of talking blood bag in heels, on her side, they should be unstoppable.
  

   
Of course, since not many movies openly promote the advancement of evil, I'm totally sure someone is going to come along to fuck up their plans. In meantime, however, we can relish in how close Susan came to undermining heterosexuality in Jakarta. Think about it. All she needed to do was kill two or maybe three more guys, and women throughout the city would have been free of unwanted harassment for, like, forever. Okay, maybe not forever. But a solid two weeks for sure.
   

   
It should go without saying, but Dangerous Seductress delivers the brain-sick and then some. The film is sexy, gory and the special effects are... uh, let's just say, they're uniquely Indonesian. Personally, I would have trimmed the opening car chase/shoot-out scene and done the same to Linda's Bali scenes; don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the bikini modeling scenes, it's just that the parasailing stuff was tedious. But other than that, the film is a glorious piece of trash.

  

Jungle Virgin Force (Danu Umbara, 1988)

Even though it contains a shitload of stuff that I wholeheartedly approve of, it took quite some time for Jungle Virgin Force (a.k.a. Perawan rimba) to give me something to latch onto. Let me put it this way. Whereas the similar Virgins from Hell had things to latch onto from start to finish, this particular Indonesian action-adventure movie was a tad lacking in the latch department. However, unlike Virgins from Hell, Jungle Virgin Force has cannibalism going for it. I know, there's a scene in Virgins from Hell where leggy virgins are roasted on a spit, but they weren't eaten. At least I don't think they were. Anyway, the colossal douche nozzle in the Fila shirt in this movie is definitely eaten. Accept he isn't roasted on a spit. No, this guy is zapped by a laser beam that came shooting out of the hand of an elderly high priest/nutjob/wizard. So, yeah, this film's got cannibalism going for it. Yay! Wait, did I mention what I eventually latched onto? I didn't? That's weird. Displaying some mildly objectionable qualities when we first meet her, the gorgeous and wonderfully skanky Enny Beatrice doesn't let her hosebeast flag fly to its fullest potential until the final third when she brilliantly orchestrates a three-way battle for the ownership of the Indonesian archipelago's finest slab of Indonesian cock.

Actually, she orchestrates a battle featuring two women, not three. You see, she's only pretending to be interested in his Indonesian cock. What Enny Beatrice is really interested in is hidden treasure, and the man attached to this Indonesian cock is the only one who knows where it's hidden. 

(Why did you feel the need to nationalize his cock?) I'm not nationalizing his cock. I abhor nationalism. It's made-up nonsense. Geography, on the other hand, is real. In other words, what I'm doing is more in line with genital geography than it is with cock-based nationalism.

As I was saying, Doris (Enny Beatrice), utilizing her innate irresistibleness, sets in motion a series of events that will hopefully pit Jelita (Lydia Kandou), an almost jungle queen, against Maya, a leggy reporter. And by doing so, create a wedge between them and the man attached to the aforementioned Indonesian cock.

Of course, if this plan doesn't work out, there's always plan B. As expected, this plan is eerily similar to plan A. Oh, and before you starting accusing Doris of having Indonesian cock on the brain, ask yourself this: If you looked as good as Doris does in skimpy black leather shorts, would you waste your time trying to achieve your goals via non-Indonesian cock-related means? I don't think so.

What I think I'm trying to say is this: Cut Doris some slack. All she wants to do is snag herself some hidden treasure. And if that means debasing herself a little bit in order to do so, than so be it.

While there are many obstacles that stand in Doris' way, I think most observers will agree that the biggest one is the tribe of black magic practicing cannibals that populate the jungles where the treasure is hidden.

Located on an island somewhere in the middle of The Triangle of Death, the hidden treasure is currently on the radar of some city folk. Told by their professor to stay away from The Triangle of Death, a group of students, Haidar (Harry Capri), Maya (Nena Rosier), John (Torro Margens), Larasati (Rita Zahara) and Matt Solar (Mat Solar), ignore the professor's warning and plan on leaving right away.

Since the professor doesn't want his students deaths on his conscience, he has arranged that Mr. Bunion (Pitrajaya Burnama) be their guide.

You're probably wondering, how does Doris and her group find out about the treasure. Well, you can blame John for that. You see, John let's slip that he's going on a treasure hunt to his girlfriend. Anyone care to guess who John's girlfriend tells? That's right, she runs straight to Doris. When Doris and her gang confront the professor and demand that he give them a map to the treasure, a huge brawl breaks out. One that has Larazati attack Doris with a teaching skeleton.

Meanwhile, on The Triangle of Death, a power struggle is brewing between a witch and a wizard. The cause of this struggle is Jelita, a mysterious woman who wears a magic medallion. While the witch and her followers (sexy women in animal print bikinis) want to make Jelita their goddess/queen, the wizard and his crew (scallywags and scumbags, some sporting horns) are not down with this course of action. The power struggle eventually morphs into an all out war, as the two sides battle with one another over Jelita's role in their society.

Of course, Haidar's group and Doris' group (they managed to bribe the pilot who took Haidar's group to The Triangle of Death to fly them there too) have no idea that they have landed smack-dab in the middle of a jungle war zone.

Jungle war zone or not, that doesn't stop Doris from shaking her money-maker. When shaking it in the general direction of Haidar gets her nowhere, Doris turns her mouth-watering money-maker toward John. Exploiting his weakness for fine Indonesian booty, Doris manages to convince John (and, I suppose, his Indonesian cock) to switch sides with a relative ease. Sure, it might not be the Indonesian cock she wanted, but in this kooky topsy-turvy world, where upside down decapitation and douchebag BBQ are never not de rigueur, any Indonesian cock will do.

If films about skanky hosebeasts who will do just about anything to find hidden treasure are not to your liking, I have to say, what the hell is wrong with you? She's skanky and a hosebeast... what more do you want? Seriously, though, if you want more, just open your ears real wide and let that fucking amazing synth score wash over you. It's so good, I thought I was listening to a lost Coil album.

Virgins from Hell (Ackyl Anwari, 1987)

Did I just watch a film that basically contains ninety straight minutes of hot Indonesian women firing makeshift machine guns in leather shorts, leopard print leotards and frayed mini-skirts? Let me double-check, as this sounds more like a recurring dream of mine than an actual movie. Holy shit!!! This movie is real. And get this, it's technically a women in prison flick. That's right, the hot Indonesian women I mentioned less than ten seconds ago spend the bulk of the film's running time locked in the dungeon belonging an evil aphrodisiac manufacturer with a thing for kinky/rough sex. And not only that, it's got hellcats in headbands on motorbikes and a revenge-based storyline. It's also–and I can't stress this enough–the movie to see if you like to watch leggy Indonesian chicks in colourful outfits blowing away tons of bumbling, red jumpsuit-sporting, saucy black beret-wearing henchmen with funny-looking machine guns. In fact, the film, directed by Ackyl Anwari, is so replete with the thing I just mentioned, I felt a tad guilty afterwards. Here I am, basking/wallowing in such an egregious form of cinematic awesomeness, while there are literally millions around the globe right this minute fighting one another over petty nonsense. I say, why kill people when you can watch leggy Indonesian women in headbands and leather shorts blast their enemies to kingdom come? The choice is simple, really. Stop the violence, and watch Virgins from Hell (a.k.a. Maiden's Revenge). Trust me, it's the right thing to do.

I know, the movie might look moderately, if not extremely stupid on the surface, but who says art has to be intelligent? This film has two, maybe three goals it wants to achieve. The first one, of course, is to entertain. And boy does it ever. Sure, some of the action sequences do get repetitive after awhile, but the film has nary a dull moment.

The second goal is definitely to titillate. For a country with a reputation in the West for being conservative, Indonesia has produced some of the sexiest movies ever made. Now, some of you will point out that this film has no nudity whatsoever. Well, I say to you, who needs nudity when you have unclothed lady leggy legs lounging up a storm in almost every scene?

Lounge leggily, you lascivious hosebeats! Lounge, I tell you! Lounge!!! It's good for what ails you.

While it has produced some of the sexiest movies, Indonesia has also produced some of the weirdest. And that brings me to goal number three: Freak out white people. Of course, I can't prove that it was the intention of the makers of these films to freak out white people, as they probably had no inkling that white people would be watching their films some twenty years after they were made. But deep down, I like to think freaking out white people was one of their goals when they set out to make these films. And by "these films," I'm referring to stuff like, Lady Terminator and Mystics of Bali.

In desperate need of cash, Sheila (Yenny Farida), leader of an all-girl biker gang, targets a local casino. Now, why Sheila felt the need to go undercover as a whore is anyone's guess, as it didn't seem to add or take away from the execution of their plan. But it does lead to a pretty awesome scene where Sheila pretends to take off her red boots. Interrupted mid-pretend zip, Sheila fights off the advances of a sleazy gangster by employing a ceiling lamp to great effect.

After finishing him off (she blows him away with his own gun), Sheila signals to her fellow bikers to attack the casino. You see, why did she have go undercover as a whore? I mean, their plan seemed simple enough: Step 1: Attack casino. Step 2: Neutralize the lead gangster. Step 3: Smash shit up. Step 4: Grab the cash. Posing as a whore was completely unnecessary. Unless, Sheila had a grudge against the sleazy gangster she ends up killing that I didn't know about. It's the only theory that makes sense.

Riding back to base, occasionally shooting their guns in the air in a celebratory manner along the way, Sheila is in a good mood. And why shouldn't she be? With enough money to buy all the ammunition she needs for her and her gang to storm the compound of the ruthless Mr. Tiger (Dicky Zulkarnaen), Sheila is so close to getting revenge, she can taste it. Not so fast, Sheila. It would seem that not all the members of your all-girl bike gang agree with this course of action.

A couple of them, specifically, Julie and Lisa, aren't down with the plan at all (they had hoped to spend the money on more important things, like, leather shorts and shock absorbers).

Realizing that she might have an insurrection on her hands, Sheila gives a rousing speech, one that includes a reminder why she's doing all this in the first place. As she's talking, we're shown what happened on the day Mr. Tiger killed her parents and turned their house into a fortified drug lab.

You can tell why Sheila is their leader (she even throws in a "as God as my witness..." during her speech) and why Yenny Farida was cast as such by the producers just by watching this scene. Sure, her voice has been dubbed by another actress, but Yenny's intense facial expressions are all Yenny. I know it's only a movie, but after listening to her speech, I wanted to lend a hand and help her destroy Mr. Tiger's criminal syndicate.

Meanwhile, in the subterranean lab located underneath his compound, Mr. Tiger is testing the aphrodisiac he is forcing one of his scientists to produce on Dutch, his fiercely loyal, heavily tattooed, lesbian sidekick. When the potion fails to produce any orgasmic writhing whatsoever, Mr. Tiger has his male henchmen kill the scientist.

Just as Larry, a younger scientist, is starting to work on Mr. Tiger's aphrodisiac, Sheila and her gang launch their attack.

Despite suffering mass casualties, Sheila and her gang manage to get to the front door of Mr. Tiger's compound. In fact, they're standing on the very stairs Mr. Tiger killed Sheila's parents. Unfortunately for Sheila, Mr. Tiger had a trap door installed. Meaning, when Sheila and most of her army approach the door, they fall through the floor and into the murky embrace of his dungeon.

Grabbing the leggy cutie in the green and pink outfit, Mr. Tiger instructs Larry to inject her with the aphrodisiac he's been working on. Writhing in chemically assisted orgasmic pleasure seconds after receiving the shot, Mr. Tiger is giddy and says that he plans to take over the world wide aphrodisiac market with this concoction. Boastfully claiming that every man the world over will want to own his product, Mr. Tiger contacts his middlemen; who test the quality of Mr. Tiger's love potion (set a song that sounded an awful lot like, "Nights in White Satin") by violating the organic structure of the leggy cutie in green and pink outfit.

Will Sheila and her gang of colourful vixens be able to extract themselves from this sticky pickle of a situation? I mean, let's be blunt, they probably will. Things usually turn for best for chicks who wear red leather shorts and leopard print leotards, it's a matter of simple physics.

However, the same can't be said for those whose loyalty to Sheila isn't steadfast. That's right, troublemakers Julie and Lisa sell out Sheila and join Mr. Tiger's forces. Though, Sheila shouldn't be surprised, those two have been undermining her authority from the get-go. In other words, Sheila should have given them the heave-ho long ago.

Thinking they made the right choice by switching sides, Julie and Lisa end up becoming Mr. Tiger's sex slaves. Forced to dance (dance oddly, mind you) to Italo Disco music in pink and yellow dresses for Mr. Tiger's amusement, Julie and Lisa must be kicking themselves as they awkwardly boogied in front of a pink wall covered in tiger posters. Unless they get off on being whipped, handcuffed and having their thighs grabbed with more gusto than usual.

It doesn't say in the credits who's responsible for the costumes in this movie, but that doesn't mean their marvelous work should not go unnoticed. Giving each character her own colour or, some cases, they're own animal print, the costume designer clearly put a lot of thought into the design of each outfit. Never once did I get confused as to which gang member was which. Go ahead, try me. (Okay, what colour was Lisa's shorts and/or skirt?) That's easy, they were black. You see, I knew the ins and out of each gang member's ensemble like the back of my hand.

Culminating with an epic battle pitting Sheila, Larry (you know he's a hip scientist by the fact that he wears Nike's with his lab coat) and what's left of her gang against Mr. Tiger, his henchmen, that "lesbo" Dutch and turncoats Julie and Lisa, the film contains more shoot outs, more leather shorts, more torture, more explosions, more cat fights, more headbands, more kooky dancing and more leggy writhing than the average person deserves in a single serving. Need I say more? (Let me see... Leather shorts, orgasmic writhing, Italo Disco... Nope, you've said plenty.) Oh, and don't forget to put another a leggy Indonesian babe on the barbie; hardcore Virgins from Hell fans will know what I mean.