Killing American Style (Amir Shervan, 1990)

We have leggy floozy adjacent black pantyhose being adjusted. I repeat, we have leggy floozy adjacent black pantyhose being adjusted. In the opening scene no less. I couldn't help but notice that your eyes lit up when I mentioned that the adjustment-worthy black pantyhose was adjacently attached to a leggy floozy. And you know what it means if a film boasts a leggy floozy right from the get-go, right? Yes, it usually means there will be more leggy floozies to come. But it also means that the leggy floozy boasting motion picture in question was probably directed by the great Amir Shervan, the writer-director of classics like, Samurai Cop and Hollywood Cop. In the annals of sleazy exploitation cinema, there are Andy Sidaris women, Russ Meyer women, Tinto Brass women and Jess Franco women. But none of these so-called women can hold a candle to the Amir Shervan woman. Sure, their parts aren't as big (and by "parts," I mean the size of their roles, not the size of their tits) and some times they're not even listed in the credits, but Amir Shervan's talent for casting attractive women is second to none.

We get a taste of this talent almost immediately, as Killing American Style opens with a group of haphazardly assembled leggy floozies that are all vying for... Now, I'm not quite certain what exactly they were all vying for. But I do know this, these leggy floozies definitely want to impress John Lynch (John Lynch), who is giving them the once over in the dank backroom of some sleazy nightclub.

After giving it some thought, I've come to the conclusion that the leggy floozies assembled for John Lynch are auditioning to be strippers at his club. But, in a way, they're also auditioning to be his girlfriend, as John Lynch wrangles up a busty blonde with killer thighs in a new wave leotard and takes her into the ladies toilet to give her test run.

Oh, and don't let John Lynch's gay porn star good looks fool you, he's a heterosexual man, and don't you forget it.

I don't know where the busty blonde with the killer thighs came from (she wasn't in the initial flock of leggy floozies when the audition began), but when she saunters onto the makeshift stage, the other leggy floozies must have been shaking in their non-designer pumps.

Using a chair as a prop, the busty blonde with killer thighs destroys the competition with her flirtatious dance routine. Well, actually, I wouldn't call it a "dance routine," it's more a series of sultry floozy-friendly poses. But nevertheless, the look on John Lynch's face as the busty blonde with killer thighs crawled around on the stage said it all.

However, that doesn't mean there's no room for the other leggy floozies to move in the John Lynch's floozy-centric organization. In fact, the two women who went on before the busty blonde with killer thighs, the petite blonde in the black pantyhose and lithe brunette in the cut-off jean shorts, are both seen sitting at Jon Lynch's side later on in the movie.

I loved it when John Lynch says, "Can anybody do what I want 'em to do?" To which the busty blonde with killer thighs responds, "I can."

I don't know what the leggy floozies that auditioned before the busty blonde with killer thighs did that was so off-putting, but the manner in which John Lynch dismisses Casey, a blonde with a knack for impromptu pantyhose adjustment, and Lonnie, a lithe brunette in a torn jean jacket and cut-off jean shorts, was quite cruel.

While John Lynch and the busty blonde with killer thighs are getting to know one another better in the ladies room, Tony Stone (Robert Z'Dar) shows up to do some hardcore cock -blocking. You could say that Tony is doing the same to the busty blonde with killer thighs, as she wants to get fucked just as much as John Lynch does. But instead of using the term cock-blocking, I think clam-jam is the more appropriate term.

Anyway, he better have a good a reason for pulling John Lynch away from a sure thing like that. Playing out like a Grand Theft Auto V "Strangers and Freaks" side mission, Tony Stone, John Lynch and two other criminals, plan to rob a trucking company. Except for the fact that they end up killing some guards and some cops as well, the heist goes pretty smoothly. Unfortunately, the guard they thought was on their side blows his cover and gets caught. Rolling over on Tony and John Lynch, the guard fingers them without hesitation.

To make matters worse, the cops try to arrest Tony just as he's pounding his super-hard cock into the excessively moist pussy of his platinum blonde lady-friend. And even though a shirtless Tony makes a valiant effort to escape, he's arrested on the front lawn of his safe-house. In a way, it serves Tony right, as he now knows what it feels like to have his cock cock-blocked by outside forces beyond his cock's control.

Meanwhile, at a local eatery, John Lynch, who is surrounded by a bevy of gorgeous women, including the busty blonde with killer thighs and Casey (who is wearing a teal zebra print leotard), is confronted by the cops and arrested on the spot.

Just like the truck depot heist, the scene where Tony's brother (Alexander Virden) and his uncle Loony (Jimmy Williams) rescue Tony and John Lynch while they were on their way to prison plays out like a video game side mission.

When Tony's brother is shot in the abdomen by one of the guards, Tony and John Lynch decide to hole up in a house located on a horse ranch. Arriving while Jenny and Doris (Veronica Paul) are lounging by the pool, Tony and John Lynch would have got the jump on them had it not been the latter's proclivity for hot chicks.

And believe me, Jenny (pink bikini) and Doris (red bikini) are hot chicks.

They eventually get inside the house, where Tony tells Jenny to take care of his brother (she's apparently a nurse or something) or else he'll kill Doris.

I think I speak for almost everyone when I say the leggy lady cop in the short skirt deserves more screen time.

The world's of Amir Shervan and Andy Sidaris briefly collide when Harold Diamond shows up. An "actor" best known for being in Andy Sidaris' Hard Ticket to Hawaii and Picasso Trigger, Harold Diamond plays the so-called man of the house and is none-to-pleased when he finds out that his wife, his sister-in-law and his annoying blonde son are being held captive by a bunch of ruthless criminals.

Directed to a Nevada cat house called "The Gay Paris" located just outside of Mosquito Springs by one of Tony's associates, Lt. Sunset (Jim Brown) is hot on the heels of Tony and John Lynch. I know, you're wondering why he's directed to a cat house and not Harold Diamond's ranch. Well, it's simple, really. You see, Tony's stepmother works at "The Gay Paris," and Lt. Sunset knows for a fact that she is in possession of the money from the truck depot score.

Figuring that Tony will try to contact his stepmother, Lt. Sunset, along with Choo-Choo, a cop who looks like a pimp, head over to "The Gay Paris" to have a chat with Tony's stepmother.

Did I really say the busty blonde in the new wave leotard had "killer thighs"? Don't get me wrong, they're still killer. But if her thighs are killer, then how would you describe the thighs attached to the organic structure belonging to the blonde in the red short-shorts at "The Gay Paris"?

Either way, the blonde with the more killer than usual thighs is the first to greet Lt. Sunset and Choo-Choo when they arrive at "The Gay Paris."

Informing her fellow floozies that a man is coming, the blonde with the explosive thighs (yeah, explosive thighs, I like that) immediately starts pawing at Choo-Choo the moment he walks in the door. Say what you will about Choo-Choo's fashion sense, the way he gravitated towards the blonde with the explosive thighs was one of the sanest decisions I've ever seen captured on film.

I don't mean to imply that choosing any of the other leggy floozies would have been crazy. I'm just saying, the blonde with the explosive thighs is in a league of her own.

If you remember my review of Amir Shervan's Hollywood Cop, I was forced to flesh out the leggy floozies in the film's prerequisite leggy floozy scene myself. Giving each leggy floozy her own back-story based on the leggy or not-so leggy way they sat on the couch, I struggled to come up something interesting to say about each leggy floozy.

This was not the case with the leggy floozy scene in Killing American Style, as each leggy floozy is given a liquid-based innuendo to spout at Jim Brown, whose fully-engorged black genitals must have been aching to break-free from their navy chino prison after this scene was over.

Swarming around Jim Brown like a pack of wild animals, each leggy floozy takes turns propositioning him with a liquid-based innuendo.

The first, a blonde in a short skirt and black pantyhose, says to Lt. Sunset: "Hi, I've got champagne... everything inside me bubbles."

Seconds later, a floozy with reddish hair, approaches Lt. Sunset from the other side and says: "Hi, I've got some soft drinks... everything about me is soft."

Another floozy with reddish hair (her tight dress has these cool coloured squares down the side), holds up her drinks and says: "I've got the hard stuff... 'cause I love it hard."

If you think that's it as far as floozies go, think again: A brunette in blue says: "Honey, they say I'm backward because I like it in the back." Okay, now they're not even trying anymore. Not only is what she said not liquid-based, it was barely an innuendo.

Finally grabbing a drink from the tray being carried by a blonde with a white fur boa, Lt. Sunset tries to get down to business, but a racially ambiguous blonde in pink, who calls herself, "Heavenly," insists on sticking her tongue in his ear.

When Choo-Choo, the floozy in the coloured square dress, the blonde with the explosive thighs, and the bubble-laden vagina chick see this unorthodox ear cleaning taking place, they all laugh. And with that, ends one of the greatest scenes in cinema history.

Much to my chagrin, the action soon returns to the ranch house (noooo!). It's too bad the whole film couldn't have been about Jim Brown and Choo-Choo fending off the advances of an armada of leggy floozies, because this home invasion plot isn't scratching me where I itch anymore, especially since Jenny and Doris have changed out of their bikinis. Yada, yada, yada, things spiral out of control, and Harold Diamond shows his Asian doctor friend how to kill... American style. The end.

Hard Ticket to Hawaii (Andy Sidaris, 1987)

Is there such a thing as bare nipple fatigue? How about rocket launcher sluggishness? If these phony-sounding afflictions are in fact real, I didn't succumb either as I watched the totally awesome Hard Ticket to Hawaii, a film that dares to ask the question: Do these pink bikini bottoms make my ass look fantastic? Sporting a mission statement so straightforward, that you would have to be suffering from the world's worst subdural hematoma to not be able to pick up on it, writer-director Andy Sidaris (Malibu Express) seems to like two things: scantily clad women and pulse-pounding action. Did I say, "like"? It's more like he worships them. Drenched in magazine-quality bikini babes and featuring action sequences that involve blow up dolls, female body builders in mini-dresses shooting uzis from helicopters, and weaponized frisbees, there's a steadfast purity to Andy's version of what a spy thriller should look like. And not only that, he's profoundly committed to whatever is transpiring onscreen at any given moment. Take the snake subplot, for instance. He could have easily forgotten about it halfway through the picture. But, no, his dedication to his craft is so evident, that when the snake does eventually reappear after a long absence, you will no doubt think to yourself, much like I did: "Oh yeah, the snake's still out there." Besides, it would have been foolish not continue with the whole contaminated snake subplot. After all, a lot work obviously went into the creation of the snake puppet (Frederick Luff, "conceptioneering creature design"), and it ends up paying off quite handsomely when all is said and done, as it comes bursting out of a Molokai toilet, enabling the line, "Just when you thought it was safe to pee," to be uttered by our "hero" with a smarmy grace.

 

 

Turning our attention to less scaly matters, when you get right down to it, the film all about winsome women wielding uzis in a tropical paradise, nothing more, nothing less. Sure, not every babe, hottie, musclebound henchwomen, or sexually attractive hanger-on wields an uzi in Hard Ticket to Hawaii; in fact, I only recall seeing two who actually fire one in anger during the film's spry running-time. But, as my wise old Aunt Judy would say, "Two uzis are better than no uzis." Why every movie doesn't feature sexy ladies firing uzis has always baffled me. I mean, people love sexy ladies (well, at least they do in my frightfully specific universe), and I've yet to meet anyone who doesn't like uzis.
 

 

Choosing to build up the scenes where uzis are employed, Andy Sedaris gives us a prologue involving two Molokai cops who are murdered after they accidentally stumble upon an illegal drug lab run by Seth Romero (Rodrigo Obregón), a brief encounter between Rowdy Abilene (Ronn Moss) and Donna Hamilton (Dona Speir) aboard the Malibu Express (yeah, that's right, Cody Abilene's boat from the film Malibu Express - they're obviously related), and a surprisingly clever opening credits sequence (the names of the cast and crew are stenciled on shipping crates).
 

 

Basking the in the sun as she waits for her partner to finish her morning swim, we meet Donna again. Except this time, she's not kissing a man who looks like the guy who plays Ridge on The Bold and The Beautiful. A secret agent who moonlights as an employee of Molokai Cargo, Donna and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) deliver people and goods to various points on the island, a lush, dewy place that will make your eyes melt. Transporting a couple on their honeymoon and a contaminated snake (they don't know it's contaminated - the label fell off in the cargo hangar) in their Cessna, the two blondes, both wearing khaki shorts and cowboy white boots, fly through the air as synths, rock guitars, drums provide the soundtrack for what is basically scenery porn.
 

 

After dropping off the honeymooners on an isolated beach, Donna and Taryn are confronted by a remote control helicopter as their walking back to their plane. The toy chopper lands in front of them and its doors open. As they're removing the item's that are inside it, two goons in Hawaiian shirts (which I guess in Hawaii are just called "shirts") start shooting at them. I'll admit, firing at the ladies was a tad harsh, but try to see it from their perspective. You've been instructed by your ruthless boss to pick up a package that will be delivered by via remote control helicopter, and when you go to collect it, two exceedingly blonde women in khaki shorts are messing with it. I don't know, call me crazy, but I thought Donna and Taryn were the ones in the wrong. I mean, they're not cops. What gives them the right to tamper with toy helicopters that don't belong to them? 
 

 

Narrowly escaping death (I've decided to let the whole toy helicopter controversy go), Donna and Taryn (who pockets one of the items from helicopter - see, she's a thief, too! let it go, man) head back to home base. In other words, unload and hit the jacuzzi.
 

 

Meanwhile, over at Edy's, a local eatery, we're introduced to Edy (Cynthia Brimhall), the chick who, you guessed it, runs Edy's, Ashely (David DeShay), the maître d', some random woman named Charlotte (Shawne Zarubica), I'm still trying figure out what the purpose of her character was (just kidding, no I'm not), and, of course, Seth Romero, who tells his henchmen after he learns of their incompetence that, "If brains were bird shit, you would have a clean cage."  
 

 

Judging by the bemused expression on his face, Seth (what kind name, by the way, is that for a drug lord?) really wanted what was inside that toy helicopter. And I can't say that I blame him, as Donna and Taryn soon discover what riches the chopper was carrying while enjoying a topless soak in their government subsidized jacuzzi. Truth be told, I was too busy keeping tabs on their respective bikini bottoms: Donna's lower half was barely sheathed in a pair of purple panties, while Taryn's ass crack rocked a red thong. But I did manage to notice that Taryn was in fact holding a diamond between her fingers.
 

 

While practicing their kung-fu on the deck of the Malibu Express (complete with un-PC "ching-chong" speak), they get word that's there's "trouble in paradise."If they think there's trouble now, wait until a couple of Seth's henchpeople come looking for the diamonds. My favourite of Seth's henchpeople has to be the totally buff Rosie (Lory Green), who throws Taryn around like a rag doll. Considering the diamonds aren't theirs in the first place, Donna (turquoise shorts) and Taryn (pink shorts) put up a pretty good fight; the former even manages to shoot Seth in the face. But don't worry, it just grazed him. What you should be worrying about is the fact that the contaminated snake broke free during the kerfuffle.
 

 

Deciding that they need to unwind and celebrate the fact that they "just shot Seth Romero in the face," Donna and Taryn head down to Edy's for some white wine. Hanging out at another table, we're introduced to Taryn's fella, J.J. Jackson (Wolf Larson), a vitamin-obsessed sports caster. (Huh, I had no idea the word "antioxidants" existed in 1987.) Oh, and make sure keep an eye on Michelle (Michael A. Andrews), the bartender at Edy's, there's something different about her. All right, who am I kidding? It's obvious that Michelle is a man in drag. 
 

 

This may sound a tad harsh, but I thought Michael A. Andrews was way more convincing as a woman than Dona Speir, and she was born a woman. I don't know, there was something about her that caused her come across as mannish (even her big hair didn't sit right with me). The fact that she refers to her own mannishness at one point made me feel a little better. But still, I found her aura to be totally unbecoming. What can I say? I'm not a big fan of white pumps when paired with pastel-coloured shorts. Add the fact she spells her first name with only one 'n' was irritating for some reason.
 

 

Someone who was not in danger of coming across as unbecoming was the gorgeous Hope Marie Carlton, a woman who clearly has a plethora of complicated thoughts rattling around inside her head at any given moment. It's true, putting a bunch of Playboy models in a movie has its pluses and minuses. But Hope proves that being attractive (even while wearing a hair raising scrunchie) and having an ebullient personality aren't mutually exclusive. You really get a sense of this while watching the scenes where she drinks white wine in a white thong and the one where she speaks Spanish to a couple of sumo wrestlers. In the former, she's just plain sexy. But in the latter, she's a complete goofball, yet she manages to retain her femininity.
 

 

Now that I've established my position on the whole contentious Dona Speir vs. Hope Marie Carlton issue (You down with H.M.C? Yeah you know me), let me try to get my head around the infamous rocket launcher blow up doll skate board sequence. An assassin tries take out Rowdy and Jade with a shotgun as they're on their way to meet up with Donna and Taryn. Sounds simple enough. But the fact that the assassin is riding a skate board, carrying a blow up doll, and, according to Rowdy, has been "smoking some heavy doobies" is causing my brain to throb ever so slightly. It didn't help matters that Rowdy decides to thwart skate boarder's assassination attempt by blasting him and his inflated friend with a rocket launcher. And if you thought both were blown to bits with one rocket, think again (think a third time, if necessary). Both the assassin and the doll are destroyed separately. Are you saying what I think you're saying? Yeah, he kills the assassin with a rocket, then fires another rocket at the blow up doll. As you might expect, the head containing my brain has yet to recover. 

 

 

Watching Shades (John Dunne), an uzi wielding henchman, play frisbee with Colleen (Colleen Nakasone), the owner of a great ass (Rowdy's words, not mine) on a beach near Seth Romero's hide out with their high-tech surveillance equipment, Donna and Taryn are in the recon phase of their elaborate plan to take down the slimy drug lord; oh, and rescue Edy (didn't you hear? she was kidnapped). How elaborate is this plan exactly? Well, I don't want to give to too much away, but let's just say, noise grenades, a motorized glider thingy, a frisbee affixed with razor blades (Shades in for a nasty surprise), spiky claw gloves, and, of course, a rocket launcher (fired indoors this time around) are all employed at one point during the operation.
 

 

Oh, and we finally get to see women fire uzis, as both H.M.C. and Lory Green use them during the film's final showdown. Actually, Hard Ticket to Hawaii has about three final showdowns: 1) The Siege on Seth Romero's compound 2) The Return of the Contaminated Snake Returns. 3. High Rise Comeuppance. The best part of final showdown #3 was H.M.C.'s outfit (I loved the way she looked in that white dress shirt - very chic).

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