Witchery (Fabrizio Laurenti, 1988)

The floors are creaky, the doors are literally falling off their hinges, and, oh yeah, there's this local legend about a pregnant witch who committed suicide by jumping out of one its many windows a couple hundred years ago. In other words, I don't envy the real estate agent who has the daunting task of trying to sell the giant house at the centre of Witchery (a.k.a. Evil Encounters), a film that begs the question...Actually, I can't quite remember what the question was that this particular film was begging at the moment. But I promise that you'll be the first to tell when I do.  Anyway, that doesn't sound too bad. I mean, with a little baby powder (trust me, it's perfect for creaky floors) and a quick trip to the hinge store (be sure to check out Martina Hingis' Hinge Bin on Yonge St. just south of St. Clair - They do hinges right!), you should have no problem selling that creepy house located on a small, isolated island off the coast of, oh, let's say, Delaware (hey, I saw a lighthouse at one point, so, I could be right). Okay, but what about the pregnant witch who committed suicide? Big deal. Pregnant witches sometimes commit suicide, what are you going to do? Yeah, but I heard the reason she killed herself was because the locals wanted to burn her at the stake. Aren't you gonna tell the prospective buyers about the witch legend? Hell, no. Besides, I'm 100% sure that the female realtor who accompanied the family who want to purchase the property is wearing a silky white slip underneath her conservative realty clothes. In fact, I'm having trouble concentrating on anything else because of that damned slip.
 

 

Holy crap! I just remembered what question this film begs. And that is, why did they even bring her along? Bring who along? The lithesome Linda Sullivan (Catherine Hickland), that's who. Who the fuck is that? Why, she's only the leggiest real estate agent this side of the Potomac River; and believe me, I've sampled the gams attached to a plethora of shapely real estate agents. From Indian Head, Maryland to Woodmont, West Virginia, I've sampled them all. Oh, and  to answer your question, the house hunters in Witchery brought her along in order to make sure the local real estate agent doesn't screw them over, and to give them an estimate on how much it will cost to renovate the dump.
 

 

Excuse me, but I find your obsession with Delaware and Catherine Hickland to be a tad disorienting. Really? Why is that? Well, the movie stars Linda Blair and David Hasselhoff, yet here you are, talking about flipping houses and leggy real estate agents. I guess you're not familiar with the way I operate. You see, Catherine Hickland (quick quirky fun-fact: Catherine Hickland was married to David Hasselhoff at the time this film was made) makes several attempts to be sexy in this film. On the other hand, Linda Blair does not. It's true, her character is pregnant. But that is no excuse. 
 

 

Changing gears for a second, remember that witch I mentioned earlier? Well, the film, directed by Fabrizio Laurenti, starts with a scene that finds a pregnant woman in the 1600s being chased a bunch of folks who look like they work at Black Creek Pioneer Village (all Toronto children under twelve are forced to go there at least once). Wielding pitchforks and boasting demenour that can best be described as belligerent, the mob corner the woman in a stately manor. Trapped, the woman sees no other recourse but to jump out of a second floor window. Just as she's about to hit the ground, Jane (Linda Blair) suddenly wakes up as if she just had a nightmare in a movie. Pregnant herself, Jane wonders what the dream could mean. I'm curious as well, but I'm more curious about her headboard bookcase; it's fabulous!
 

 

Meanwhile, on the very island Jane's nightmare took place, Leslie (Leslie Cumming), a writer interested in witches, and Gary (David Hasselhoff), a photographer with a deep-seated interest in poontang, are exploring the house. In fact, they're currently standing by the window the woman from Janes's nightmare jumped out of back in the 1600s. Hold on. I've got to get this off my chest before I continue. I don't who decided to cast Leslie Cumming as David Hasselhoff's virginal brunette girlfriend, but she's got to be one of the worst actresses I ever seen. Seriously, she has no business being in movies. It got so bad, that I started to feel sorry for Herr Hasselhoff as the film progressed. It must have been pure hell to exchange dialogue with an actress with no charisma whatsoever. 

 

 

While walking down the street, Jane spots the mysterious Lady in Black (Hildegard Knef) standing on the sidewalk. Staring at her in a menacing manner, the Lady in Black starts messing around with some kind of crystal pendant thingie. Seconds later, Jane is nearly killed by a falling girder. What's going on here? Wait a minute. Is that evil I smell?
 

 

Content that her creepy confrontation with Jane went as well as creepy confrontations go, the Lady in Black decides to strike while iron is hot and heads over to the park to act creepy in front of Tommy (Michael Manchester), Jane's nephew. Call me a poor judge of creepiness, but I can't decide who was more creepy, the Lady in Black or Tommy. Yeah, you heard me. I don't know, there was something not quite right about this Tommy kid. Listen to the way he asks the Lady in Black for his ball back, it's downright terrifying. Have you ever thought that maybe he's just a bad actor? You have a point there, as some of his line readings are atrocious. Some of his line readings? Okay, fine, all of them. Nonetheless, he's creepy me the fuck out.
 

 

What I can't understand is why David Hasselhoff's character would date a virgin. Not to be crass, but the Hoff needs pussy on a semi-regular basis. All right, forget about the virgin thing. What I'd like to know is, why is he seeing a woman who does nothing but mope around while mumbling incoherent nonsense about witches? She's totally not his type. Either way, Gary tries multiple times over the of the course of the film to set in motion a scenario where his penis penetrates her vagina, but he's repeatedly denied the privilege.
 

  

A real estate agent named Linda Sullivan (Catherine Hickland) is hired by Jane's parents Rose (Annie Ross) and Freddie Brooks (Robert Champagne) to given them estimate on a house they plan on purchasing. Pretty mundane stuff, right? Wrong! The sexy Catherine Hickland receives the call while standing over her boyfriend in nothing but a towel. Oh yeah, getting good news over the phone while wearing a towel is the epitome of hot. The way her boyfriend, whose name is not even close to being important, stares at her legs as she stood over him was tantalizingly awesome. I'd go as so far to say that it's the film's best leg moment...so far.
 

 

Wait, "so far"? You mean there will be more leg moments to come? What do you think? Actually, I think another one is about to transpire right this second. Let's watch, shall we?
 

 

Sitting in the office of the local realtor, Rose and Freddie Brooks discuss the property they might want to purchase with Tony Giordano (Rick Farnsworth), the son of the guy who runs the realty agency; in the other words, this is a big sale for him (make daddy proud, Tony). At any rate, as they're talking about the house in question, Freddie seems preoccupied.
 

 

Was it the cheeky cat calendar hanging on the wall? No, I don't think so. How about that cup full of pens? I doubt it. If it wasn't any of those things, what could it be? I'll tell you what it was, it was the leg scratch heard around the world. All right, maybe it wasn't heard around the world. However, I bet it was heard all along the Eastern seaboard. Which, if you think about it, is still one pretty impressive scratch.
 

 

Who's doing the scratching? Oh yeah, sorry about that. Sitting at her desk in a yellow top paired with a black skirt, Jenny Lee (Victoria Biggers), the office's brunette secretary, suddenly feels an itch on her right thigh. In order to alleviate this irritating sensation, Jenny Lee takes her right hand and fashions the fingers of said right hand in a manner that causes it to look like a claw. Taking this newly created claw, Jenny Lee gingerly brushes it over the affected area several times.
 

 

As she's doing this, Jenny Lee can't help but notice that Freddie, who should be listening to what Tony is blathering about, is checking out the pleasing shape of her secretarial thighs. Slightly annoyed by this untoward leering, Jenny Lee ceases to scratch her thigh.
 

 

I know what you're thinking, where was Linda Sullivan during all this thigh scratching excitement? She was stuck in traffic. It's too bad, she missed quite the show. Which reminds me, why didn't anyone offer Victoria Biggers the opportunity to play Leslie Cumming's part? And why not? Anyone, and I mean, anyone, would have been better than her. Jeez, we get it. She sucks. Let it go, man. Yeah, but Victoria Biggers has shapely thighs and manged to scratch one of them in a semi-convincing manner. No, you're right. She probably would have been the better choice. But there's nothing you can do to change the fact that Leslie Cumming landed the role of David Hasselhoff's virginal girlfriend in Witchery, and that Victoria Biggers was stuck with a non-speaking, scratching only role.
 

 

Did you just say that Victoria Biggers doesn't have any lines?!? If that's the case, how do you know she would have been better than Leslie Cumming? Trust me, she would have been better. You might not be able to seem them, but all the people out there who have seen Witchery are nodding their heads in agreement.
 

 

Eventually all the characters end up getting stranded on the island. Sure, they're trapped inside a giant mansion (which I suppose isn't the worst place to be stranded). But you have got to remember, the Lady in Black is lurking around somewhere upstairs. One by one, each character gets the opportunity to scream awkwardly while immersed in red lighting. Well, actually, I don't recall seeing David Hasselhoff doing the awkward scream thing, but most of them do.
 

 

As usual, Annie Ross (Basket Case 2) excels at being a cun...Um, no, let's call her "overbearing." Yeah, overbearing. I like that. The cool part of her awkward scream was the all the close up shots of her red pumps struggling to maintain their grip on the floor (a sinister force pulls her into a dumbwaiter). Oh, and the infamous "mouth stitch" scene was laughably gruesome; meaning, it was gory yet poorly staged.
 

 

The film's most compelling, non-thigh scratch moment comes when Linda Sullivan removes her blazer, and then Tony (who I nicknamed "Realty Boy," because he seemed to be so dedicated to realty) removes his blazer in order to facilitate sexual intercourse in front of a large, wall-mounted marlin. You knew these two were going to hook up, so it came as no surprise when they wandered off the way they did. How or why they got together is not important. What is important, however, is the fact that Catherine Hickland wore a white slip underneath her realty clothes. I also liked the loud zipping sound her skirt zipper made as she unzipped it. It should go without saying, but this sequence has many great leg moments. Unfortunately, they're the last the film has to offer as the body count begins to rise.
 

 

After the sex scene in front of the marlin starring Catherine Hickland's white slip is over, the film is a tedious slog. There's an effective death scene, complete with twitching and arterial spray, a shock-haired Linda Blair does some her best demented pajama work since the early 1970s. But for the most part, you'll be wishing it would just end already....much like this review. Stupid thigh scratch.

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Starcrash (Luigi Cozzi, 1978)

A green laser beam slices through the blackness of space, then a red laser beam. Your mind, confused by the chromatic light show, wonders: What it is this strange phenomenon? Even though this question is muttered midway through Starcrash (a.k.a. Scontri Stellari Oltre la Terza Dimensione), a revolutionary motion picture that will forever change your views on science and technology, it's not the first one to be asked. On the Planet Earth, people have been telling stories about empires battling each other with pointy bits of metal (bullets, shrapnel, knives, axes, spears and swords) for centuries. But what if there was another way to pierce the flesh of your opponent, hence, rendering their organic structure inoperative? I have no way confirming it, but I think this intergalactic adventure was one of the first films to employ lasers as the combatant's primary weapon. The more astute amongst you will notice that I just used the word "intergalactic." Well, that's because it takes place entirely in outer space. Yeah, that's right, the uncharted vastness of space. Other than Barbarella, Forbidden Planet, and, to a lesser extent, Voyage of the Rock Aliens (most of the film takes place in the fictional town of Speelburgh, not outer space), I don't think any other film has had the imaginative fortitude to set its entire story up in the big black beyond.

What is space? And how do you make a film up there? I have no idea. But I know someone who does, and his name is Luigi Cozzi (Hercules), an Italian filmmaker with bold and fresh ideas (especially when it comes to inventing a complex universe from scratch) and the wisdom to hire Armando Valcauda to do the special effects and John Barry compose the music. Now, I'm not entirely sure if they shot the film in outer space or just created an outer space-like world using sets and props (a couple of the locations did have an earthy quality about them). But whatever they did, I actually felt as if I was spending time in a totally different galaxy, as the stars in this film sparkle with a jaunty resplendence.

Okay, now that we have established that we're in fact floating in space, in what particular era would a sane person want our interplanetary escapade to be influenced by? If you said, "late 1970s European disco culture," you'd be absolutely correct. The combination of flashy, disco-friendly threads (gold capes, leather jumpsuits, silver corsets with gladiatorial fringe and thigh-high boots) with the vibrant colours of this Italo-based solar system are perfectly in tune with one another.

Looking disco chic in space is one thing, it also helps to appear as though you are doing stuff once you get up there. It's true, I'd watch these people stand around doing dick and not a lot of all for hours on end, but others might not be so tolerant. Tackling this potential problem head-on, Starcrash introduces us to a bushy-haired navigator named Akton (Marjoe Gortner) and an attractive pilot named Stella Star (Caroline Munroe), two troublemakers who transverse the stars in their spaceship looking for kicks.

Using something called "hyperspace" to evade capture from the authorities, the cocky duo end up discovering an escape pod containing a man whose brain has been fried. While tending to the injured survivor, Thor (Robert Tessier) and Elle (a robot played by Judd Hamilton and voiced by Hamilton Camp), the two bounty hunters who have been chasing them, catch up with the wanted pair and arrest the smugglers without haste. Sentenced by a giant squid head, Akton and Stella are both sent to prison, the former is put in stasis, the latter gets sent to a labour camp (space gulag).

Even though her shapely body seems to be enjoying the all-consuming snugness of her new getup, Stella Star, after working twelve hours straight, has grown tired of the incarcerated life. Without much planning, Stella grabs a weapon from a guard and starts blasting (she actually lets her fellow inmates do most of the blasting, she just wants to get the hell out of there). This sequence, on top of being the one that introduces us to "the outfit," is the first one where get a glimpse of what a laser fired from a laser gun looks like in the world of Starcrash. And I must say, it looks pretty while it's on its journey. However, it's a completely different story when its flaming payload comes in contact with a person's skin. Let's just say, if you like to watch people scream while emitting sparks and smoke as a result of being shot in the chest with a laser gun, you will definitely want to make an appointment with this particular sequence.

It's turns out Stella's chaotic escape attempt was all for naught, as she and Akton were going to be released anyway. I know, you're asking yourself: What kind of justice system lets its criminals go willy-nilly? The judge's ruling seemed pretty straightforward (you do the crime, you extract ore in your leather underpants). You see, The Emperor of the First Circle of the Universe (Christopher Plummer) wants them to partake in a top secret mission, one that involves destroying a weapon of mass destruction located on a phantom planet run by the evil Count Zarth Arn (Joe Spinell from the Forbidden Zone) and, of course, locate David Hasselhoff. To keep tabs on Stella and Akton, The Emperor has them team up with the green-skinned Thor and Elle, a cowboy-accented robot.

On the first planet they come across, Stella and Elle end up battling with Corelia (Nadia Cassini), leader of a race of scantily clad amazonian women whose vocabulary is limited to yelling "revenge" and "kill them." It's during this particular fracas that Stella and Elle begin to develop their unique bond with one another. After escaping the clutches of Cornelia's giant silver robot (a marvel of stop motion animation) and staving off a squadron of her star-fighters (an encounter that produces much laser fire), Stella and Elle bond even more while trapped on a cold and desolate planet. I'll admit, I got a tad misty-eyed when Elle tells Stella that she is the nicest human being he (I'm assuming he's a boy robot) has ever known.

While Stella and Elle are bonding in the snow, we learn that Akton is more than just some guy in a red and black jumpsuit with curly hair. There's something mystical about him, an aura, if you will, that sets him apart from all the other percentage spouting navigators taking up valuable space in the universe. Unafraid to unleash his special healing powers, wield his fluorescent cutting implement (a kind of sword made out of light), or repel the laser beams of others, the oddly handsome Akton changes our perception of how a hero should behave in space. Prone to self-sacrifice, but not a pompous jerk about it, Marjoe Gortner imbues the clairvoyant small-time smuggler with a modest grace. If I wasn't a heterosexual man, one who enjoys eating triangle-shaped snack foods while watching the Atlanta Falcons play football, I would totally hide baby carrots in his hair (winter's coming and I could use the dietary fibre).

Kicking henchwomen in the face like it was second nature, Caroline Munro's Stella Star is a role model to little girls everywhere, specifically the ones who dream of hurling themselves headfirst into the black unknown. However, it doesn't start off that way. When Luigi Cozzi's camera focuses on her for the very first time, Caroline looks like she's about to say something profound but she doesn't. It's an awkward moment, but apparently it's just a teaser for what comes next. Uttering the line, "Go for hyperspace!" with a ten ton dollop of uncut gusto, Caroline boldly signifies to the Starcrash universe that she is Stella Star and no one better mess with her, not unless they want to get a karate chop to the neck.

Sure, Candy Clark (Q: The Winged Serpent), for some strange reason, dubs all her dialogue, but Caroline mouths her words like a pro. Speaking of mouthing words, while "Go for hyperspace!" is my favourite line in the entire movie, my second fave has to be Christopher Plummer's "Imperial Battleship! Halt... the flow of time!" And he's not just talking out of his ass, uh-uh, he actually makes time stand still.

Her taut English flesh wrapped in strategically placed strips of shiny black leather, Caroline's skimpy wardrobe is a breathtaking, thigh accentuating sight to behold in Starcrash. It's no wonder she's got a gunslinging robot and a handsome prince named Simon (David Hasselhoff) both itching to peel it off in slow motion, its potency as a fashion statement and a crotch moistener are through the roof. Even though she's gorgeousness personified, Caroline Munro doesn't sit back and let her stunning looks and killer threads do the majority of the film's heavy lifting. The complete opposite to her performance in Faceless (a film where she mostly writhes around tied to a bed while wearing a white sack with sleeves), Caroline can be seen leading kamikaze attacks, space-walking with a casual ease, fighting cave people, and flirting with robots. In other words, for someone who wears black leather panties in one scene, and, what looks like, a plastic shopping bag in another, she gives a well-rounded performance worthy of a thousand creepy leers.

Remember the laser shootout I mentioned earlier? Well, that's a picnic compared to the laser shootout that takes place in the command centre of Count Zarth's claw-shaped battle station, as it takes close quarter laser combat to a whole new level of awesome. What starts off as yet another tedious space battle (the gold ships of The Emperor repeatedly strafe The Count's battle station) evolves into something truly spectacular when The Emperor starts launching torpedoes. Crashing through the bay windows of The Count's station, the torpedoes, instead of exploding on impact, open up to reveal two men armed with laser rifles. The shootout that ensues between The Emperor's men (gold helmets, ray-guns that shoot green lasers) and Count Zarth's men (black helmets, ray-guns that shoot red lasers) is a thing of chaotic beauty. It's an excellent action-heavy precursor to the slow moving temperament of the finale, which, of course, involves the weaponization of a flying city. A must-see for fans of Barbarella, stop motion animation, outer space, wisecracking robots, and all things Italian. Go for hyperspace!

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