Mark of the Whip 2 (Roman Nowicki, 2010)

Bust out the baby oil and dust off the rubber masks, it's time once again to return the clitoris-compromising realm of Roman Nowicki's Mark of the Whip, the not-so whip smart extreme erotic horror film that boasted a ton of whipping, a shitload of lip biting and an exorbitant amount of inquisitive head tilting. It's my not-so distinct pleasure to introduce you to the blatantly inevitable, Mark of the Whip 2, now featuring more pain and degradation, roughly same amount of leggy Czech chicks and a fuckload of nuns. Yep, you heard right perverts, part two has nuns. (But aren't nuns, besides beekeepers, the most clothed individuals on the planet.) Yeah, so, what's your point? (My point is, does Roman Nowicki, Fantom Kiler, Fantom Kiler 2, Fantom Kiler 3, and Fantom Kiler 4, even know how to film women who wear clothing?) How hard can it be, put the clothed women in position and yell action. Oh, I get it. Mr. Nowicki is famous for having scantily clad women of East European extraction prancing around forests late at night in his films. Well, Mr. Nowicki has obviously decided to stretch his muscles as a director. I'll wait for your laughter to subside. Are you done? Good. I'm serious, Roman Nowicki has really grown as an artist. (All right, now you have gone too far.) What?!? ("Grown as an artist," you have got to be kidding?) Don't make me say "I'm serious" again, because that's totally what I'm being.

The moment I realized Roman Nowicki had grown as an artist was when Sylvia Novak (Tiffany Love, credited as "Tiffany Lust") invites a gun salesman over to her hotel room. If you're an ex-cop, by the way, who has been living in a nunnery for the past several years and wants to buy a gun in order to exact revenge on The Fantom Whipper (Conrad Bismark) for killing your best friend, you're going to have buy one on the street.

Anyway, when the gun salesman comes knocking at her door, Sylvia (who is oiled up and smoking a cigarette in a black bra and a black pair of panties on her bed), takes her sweet time to answer it. Oiled up, smoking and scantily clad, these are Roman Nowicki staples. In other words, everything is going according to plan. However, when the gun salesman makes a reference to the gun salesman scene from Taxi Driver, my eyes lit up.

The reason they lit up is because the films of Roman Nowicki seem to take place in their own unique universe. Meaning, the existence of other films is hardly ever acknowledged. But in this film, not only was he acknowledging the existence of other films, he was straight-up quoting dialogue from one.

When I noticed that the gun salesman's opening line of dialogue was exactly the same as the gun salesman's opening line of dialogue from Taxi Driver, I thought to myself: Aww, that's cute, an unexpected shout out to Taxi Driver. Little did I know, but the scene I was about to watch, the one where a salesman sells Sylvia Novak a couple of guns, was not content with merely giving a shout out to Taxi Driver. Uh-uh. The whole scene was word for word exactly the same. Of course, some of the Taxi Driver dialogue was omitted, but everything the gun salesman says in Mark of the Whip 2 was taken from Taxi Driver; he even offers to sell Sylvia a wide array drugs when the gun deal is finished.

Quirky fun-fact: The actor who played the gun salesman in Taxi Driver was Stephen Prince. While the actor who plays the gun salesman in Mark of the Whip 2 is credited as Stephen Price.

While you were busy noticing that, you might have noticed that Tiffany Love, not Hana Liska is playing Sylvia Novak, the world's most famous ex-cop, ex-nun, ex-whip addict turned vigilante. How will this effect the quality of the production since Hana Liska was the best thing about the first Mark of the Whip?

We're going to have to wait a little while to get an answer to that question, as the film opens with Stacy Silver's Stella Diamond relaxing in her backyard in a pink bikini. Am I crazy or does the music playing as Stacey Silver relaxes in her backyard sound Bernard Herrmann-esque? In fact, it sounds eerily similar to the music used in--you guessed it--Taxi Driver.

Nonetheless, a couple of mask-wearing cops show up to harass Stella Diamond right on schedule. Accusing her being a member of an outlawed pro-democracy party, the lead goon feels up Stella before dragging her away to be interrogated.

Meanwhile, at a nearby nunnery, Sister Sylvia, a.k.a. ex-cop, ex-whip addict Det. Sylvia Novak, receives a letter from her friend Kasia (Kate Blond). In the letter, she talks about her struggles with her addiction to the lash. If you remember, both Sylvia and Kasia were hooked on being whipped. As she reads the letter, the music from Platoon ("Adagio for Strings") swells on the soundtrack, and we get our first close up shot of Tiffany Love's dynamic face. (Did you say, dynamic?) Yep. (Does that mean Tiffany Love met with your approval?) You could say that. No, what am I saying, of course you can say that. (Whew, that's a relief. For a minute there, I thought Tiffany Love wasn't going to be able to fill Hana Liska's strappy heels.)

I don't know where they find these women, but the fine folks at Teraz Films seem to have access to an unlimited supply of tall leggy chicks who are willing to have foreign objects crammed into their vaginas on camera. That being said, Tiffany Love does lack Hana Liska's innate ability to simultaneously bite her lip while tilting her head to the side.

If you're like me and wondered why the scene where a naked Alicia Malikov is confronted by a drill-wielding maniac in Fantom Kiler 3 was relegated to the deleted scenes section. Well, first of all, congratulations, you're like me. But more importantly, the scene makes an appearance in Mark of the Whip 2. A group of nuns watch said scene on television during their lunch break. And just as the drill is about to pierce her eyeball, the nuns change the channel to the news. It's here that Sister Sylvia learns that her friend Kasia was whipped to death by a group of masked assailants. When Sister Sylvia hears that the autopsy report says that Kasia experienced eight orgasms before she died, she knows exactly who's responsible for her death: The Fantom Whipper.

Telling convent's Mother Superior (Maria Vaslova, Nina's Nightmares) that she's quitting the nun racket, Sylvia hangs up in her giant crucifix necklace and sets out to get revenge.

What occurs next will blow your mind. (Don't tell me, a naked woman gets whipped.) Well, yeah, a naked woman does get whipped (Stacy Silver is whipped by the cops). But the film also gives us a brief The Sound of Music parody. You think that's weird, wait until you see the Schindler's List parody.

Checking into a cheap hotel, Sylvia changes out of her habit and puts on a Burberry print Chanel-style suit. After buying some guns, Sylvia waits for her opportunity to strike. In the meantime, Mother Superior is whipped and prodded with foreign objects in a dingy basement setting. You see, to justify the film's title, we're occasionally shown women being whipped who are not Sylvia Novak. And like the whipping scenes in the first film, they can be a bit tedious.

Not so long ago, I recall watching Conan O'Brien interviewing Gwyneth Paltrow on his show. Nothing strange about that. But there was something strange about her legs, in that, they looked like they had been slathered with olive oil (goop, perhaps?). However, when they came back from a commercial break, I noticed her legs were no longer oily. Someone (i.e. one of her minions) obviously noticed this and toweled her off during the break. Unfortunately, there's no one to towel Tiffany Love's legs, as they're covered in an inordinate amount of oil. I think the oil is supposed to be sweat. Whatever it was supposed to be, it's dampening her legginess.

Tracking down The Fantom Whipper, Sylvia makes an appointment with him to be whipped. Little does he know, but Sylvia has no intention of being whipped. Though, I must say, Sylvia is having trouble staying focused on the task at hand. Being an ex-whip addict, Sylvia is afraid that she will go back to her old habits. And, no, I don't mean "habits" in the nun way, I'm talking about her addiction to the lash.

In order to placate her pulsating pussy, which she describes as a "sexual time bomb," Sylvia repeatedly shoves the barrel of one of her newly acquired pistols into it to stave off her desire. Fully satisfied, Sylvia is now ready to take on The Fantom Whipper. But first she must get past his mother. Yep, The Fantom Whipper lives with his mother. Played by Dorothy Slime (that's what it says in the credits), Mrs. Whipper forces Sylvia to take her clothes off before allowing her to go any further. Of course, things don't go exactly as planned, and Sylvia ends up spending the next six days being whipped in various ways. If you're wondering how long six days worth of whipping takes in movie terms, I would say it takes around forty-five minutes.

Delivering on his promise to whip Slyvia into a "quivering, sweat-drenched pile of orgasming flesh," The Fantom Whipper, cheered on by his mother, uses and abuses her organic structure. Proving once and for all that the film does indeed have a sense of humour, The Fantom Whipper answers the phone, "Fantom Whipper speaking."

If you want an easy way to sum up Mark of the Whip 2 to your friends, just say it's Taxi Driver meets The Sound of Music and Schindler's List crossbred with a nunsploitation film and an early '80s Rough Trade video.

Fantom Seducer 1 + 2 (Roman Nowicki, 2005)

Tired of making holes with his trusty blade, the Fantom Kiler has decided to start filling holes that already exist. Except, what's the point of stabbing a hole that already exists with a knife? Exactly, there isn't one. Here's a free piece of advice, why not try filling these holes with something else. What a novel idea. But what to fill them with? Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I bet you are. Let's all say it at once, shall we? Are you ready? On the count of three. 1, 2, 3, Polish penis! Yay! That's right, Polish penis: Being thoughtfully stuffed into Polish pussy and other orifices since the glorious birth of Polska. I know, some of the cocks are Czech and a good chuck of the cunts are Czech too. But what can I say? I like the way "Polish penis" rolls off my tongue. In the Fantom Seducer 1 + 2, all the knives have been replaced with cocks. While this sounds like a simple transition on paper. I mean, all you really need to do is put the knives back in the drawer and hire men with cocks. It's actually a little more complicated than that. You see, your average knife is super-duper dependable (rain or shine, it will always be there for you). The penis/cock, on the other hand, whether it be Polish or Czech, it doesn't matter, can be a tad erratic when it comes to delivering the goods. (So, what you saying is, these fleshy protuberances aren't reliable?) Right. And since Roman Nowicki (Fantom Kiler, Fantom Kiler 2, Fantom Kiler 3, Fantom Kiler 4 and Mark of the Whip), as far as I know, hasn't worked with real live cocks before, this could make for a sticky situation. Luckily for him, the spunk flows freely throughout this epic tale about morality, luck... and gruesome-looking purple dildos.

In case you're wondering why I'm lumping Fantom Seducer 1 and Fantom Seducer 2 together as one review, it's because they were basically shot over the course of the same weekend. In other words, they're like Party Doll A Go-Go! Part 1 and Part 2 and The Devil Miss in Jones 3 and 4, except Fantom Seducer 1 + 2 are nowhere near as awesome. Hence they're being lumped together. The other reason is because I don't feel like writing two separate reviews. Truth be told, there were times I didn't even feel like writing one review. However, as with most of Roman Nowicki's work, my demenour can go from being severely annoyed to excessively giddy in the blink of an eye. And judging by the goofy look on my face as part two came to a close, it would seem that the excessively giddy demenour won out in the end.

If you experience some mild déjà vu as the film gets underway, you're not alone. Eerily similar to the opening of the original Fantom Kiler, Fantom Seducer 1 begins with a tall, slender woman standing in a railway station. Taking on her phone, Ursula Novak (Sandra Kay) is minding her own business, when, out of the corner of her eye, she notices two janitors watching her. And just like in Fantom Kiler, the janitors are making lewd comments to each other about the lanky brunette. A candidate for The Morality Party, Ursula approaches the janitors, who both have English accents, and tells them to get their dicks out.

As she's being pounded in the ass and slurping on a half-hard penis like it were a skin-flavoured chew toy, a third custodian enters the fray and introduces his cock to one of her readymade holes with an inelegant thrusting motion. When all is said and done, she gets doused in the face with three helpings of lukewarm jizz. Or does she? (What do you mean? Her face is covered with the stuff.) No, it would seem that what we just watched was a dream. In reality, Ursula approaches the janitors and asks them directions. As she walks away, she slips and falls. Of course, the intensity of the fall causes a bucket to land on her head and the buttons on her fake Chanel suit to become unbuttoned.

To the surprise of virtually no one, Ursula ends up wandering through the woods at night in a confused daze. Since wandering through the woods at night in a confused daze with your clothes on goes against everything these films stand for, Ursula removes her clothing. Did you just ask why? Well, if you must know, she did so in order to ease the masturbation process. Stumbling upon a couple having sex in the woods, Ursula takes off her suit, gets down on her hands and knees, and begins pawing at her ass and genitals.

While the man's penis is slipping in and out of the woman's vagina, which is adorned with a faint Hitler mustache, I couldn't help but notice that the woman being penetrated would occasionally look directly at Ursula and throw her a sly grin. I wonder if this sly grin is going to pay off somewhere down the road? It's almost as if the sly grin peddler knows something we don't know. Anyway, after having all her hollow places sufficiently violated, the man unloads his wad in her face.

Backing away from the scene, Ursula is shocked to discover that her clothes are missing. Wandering the woods in nothing but a pair of black heels, the freckled brunette eventually comes face to face with a dark figure. (You mean, the "Fantom Seducer"?) Probably. Speaking in a manner that was so deep and gravelly that it needed to be subtitled (a wise decision on the part of the filmmakers), the dark figure tells Ursula that her body burns with desire. (Isn't Ursula a member of the Morality Party?) She is, but even she can't refuse a free helping of fantom cock. The ripe dicking she receives this time isn't the figment of a janitor's imagination, it's all too real.

Suddenly, without warning, Ursula finds herself back at the railway station. Unfortunately, she's naked on all fours, is covered in fantom jizz, and has baton sticking out of her ass. What sort of black magic is this? Whatever it is, Ursula can forget about being the candidate for The Morality Party, as her lewd railway station antics are front page news.

In case we didn't get it, we're shown a similar scenario during the next scene. This time it's a buxom blonde named Laura (Anatasia Christ) who gets fucked in the woods by a dark stranger only to find her cum-stained naked body back at the railway station when the deed is done.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that all this weirdness has something to do with that janitor with the glasses. He did, after all, rub his chin a menacing manner when Ursula left the railway station.

After we endure a montage that features a female janitor named Carla (Stacey Silver) mopping up the railway station, we find out how life is treating Ursula post the baton in the butt incident. And judging by the way she's begging men to pay her money to have sex with her on the station's platform, she's definitely hit rock bottom.

Convinced that the janitor is behind all these strange occurrences, Ursula confronts him in his office with a gun. Except, instead of shooting him, she decides to stab him to death. The end? It's a good thing I watched part two immediately after finishing part one, because the suspense would have been too much for me to take. I mean, I was dying to know what happened to Ursula after she killed the janitor.

Well, it would seem that Ursula is now the railway station janitor. Mopping the floor in what looks like a brand new skirt, Ursula is confronted by her boss (Sarah Blu), who gets all up in her grill. (Does she suspect that Ursula is the one responsible for the janitor's disappearance?) Who's to say? All I know is, Sarah Blu is totally reading her lines off cue cards. (How can you tell?) How can I tell?!? It's obvious they're being held off to the side, as Sarah keeps looking...off to the side. (Um, shouldn't you be talking about the lesbian sex scene that Sarah Blu and Sandra Kay partake in?) Nah, I think most of you will agree that Sarah Blu cue card-assisted acting style is much more interesting.

Just like in the first chapter, a woman wanders the woods in a fake Chanel suit. Only this time, it's Sarah Blu who's lost. However, unlike Ursula, Sarah is caught by the couple she watches have sex in the woods. And not only do they steal her clothes, they give her a giant purple dildo. (Huh?) I don't know why they did that either. Nonetheless, some redneck hunters mistake Sarah's giant purple dildo for a snake and shoot it. Barely escaping the dildo-snake incident unharmed, Sarah, who is naked, continues on her way. When the redneck hunters discover the giant purple dildo they thought was a snake has fresh vagina juice all over it, they declare a pussy hunt.

Unaware that her pussy is being hunted, Sarah approaches a... Yes!!! (What?) Nothing, it's just that Sarah is about to traverse a barbed wire fence. (So?) So, I haven't witnessed a naked woman traverse a barbed wire fence since the first Fantom Kiler. This is a big deal. After making it through the barbed wire fence pretty much unscathed, Sarah's foot gets caught in a trap. Jeez, can't this woman catch a break? About to be gang-raped by the redneck hunters, the "Fantom Seducer" steps in to help her. (But don't the redneck hunters have guns?) Pish posh, the "Fantom Seducer" is impervious to bullets.

(Is it just me or does this movie not make any sense?) Stop trying to make sense of everything and just enjoy the sight of Sarah Blu bouncing up and down on the Fantom Seducer's cock. (Okay, I will. But this movie is making my brain hurt. Oh, great, after being cummed on, guess where Sarah Blu ends up?) The railway station with a mop handle up her ass? (Excellent guess.) Luckily for her, though, Ursula was the only one at the station (in fact, she was the one holding the mop handle in place).

(Is Sarah's reading of the line, "Get this mop out of my ass now," the worst line reading in the entire film?) Um, maybe. But I think you should see the two guys who play a couple of DP-loving Polish detectives before you start declaring anything to be the worst. And wouldn't you know it, here they are. Sitting in their office (which, for some reason, has a large Soviet flag on the wall), the detectives are in the middle of discussing the murder of the janitor. And I must say, after listening to these guys talk for ten seconds, I can safely declare them to be the worst actors ever to be captured on film. I don't care if English is their third or fourth language, I've never seen such terrible acting in my life. (You sound flabbergasted.) Fuck yeah I'm flabbergasted.

Luckily, their cocks take over, as the DP-loving Polish detectives go to town on Claudia Rossi's many holes. This scene, by the way, which features Claudia Rossi as a policewoman who wants a promotion, is the film's hottest. (I thought you said you weren't a big fan of double-penetration scenes?) I'm not. But since Claudia Rossi seems sincere when she asks one of the detectives to stick his cock in her ass while the other detective's cock was in her pussy, I decided to make an exception to the rule. It also helped that Claudia Rossi is gorgeous and that the scene was shot was in a brightly lit office (most of the film's sex scenes are shot in the woods at night).

Briefly turning into a women in prison film after Ursula is arrested for the janitor's murder, the film features lesbian prison sex, a cool stripetease scene involving Lucie Stratova in black stockings (sadly, Lucie is the only woman who wears nylons in these movies), and facials number 12 and 13.

Yet, despite the prison setting, this film is slowly beginning to sap me of my strength; seriously, if I have to watch another penis plow into a pussy for an extended period of time, I'm going to lose my mind.

While the majority of the actors can't even recite even the most basic of dialogue in a convincing manner, I was shocked when Sandra Kay is given the opportunity to perform a monologue. And not only does she perform the monologue with flying colours, she says the words, "corroborate" and "manifestation." Well, as you would expect, I started to jump around the room when I heard Sandra utter these two words. Now, did her utterance of these words manage to renew my will to live? Not quite. But I have to say, it sort of made the ordeal/chore that is the act of watching these movies a trifle less painful.

Fantom Kiler 4 (Roman Nowicki, 2008)

As I sat down to watch Fantom Kiler 4, I made sure to check that my critical knives were properly sharpened before doing so. Feeling guilty over the fact that I had unnecessarily subjected myself to Fantom Kiler 2 and Fantom Kiler 3 (the first Fantom Kiler was a distant memory, as I had watched it more than fifty menstrual cycles ago), I was in a foul mood going into the fourth film in the Roman Nowicki-directed extreme erotic horror franchise. I know, you're thinking to yourself: Then why watch the fourth film if that's the way you feel? Well, you see, if I had stopped after the second film, that would have been all right. But once I made it through the third film, I felt contractually obligated to finish the series. And finish it I did. Call me misguided and sad, but I felt a weird sense of accomplishment when the end credits for part four began to roll. I would even go as far as to say that I bet the sensation you get after watching all four films in the Fantom Kiler series is similar to the sensation mountain climbers experience when they reach the top of Mount Everest. Am I serious? Let me ponder that for a minute. You know what? I am serious. Both are physically and mentally demanding. And both take a ton of skill and a shitload of daring. Oh, sure, Mount Everest is tad more dangerous (as the recent headlines can attest), but can a mountain give you an erection? That's right, it can't. And you wanna know why it can't? It boasts no leggy Polish or Czech chicks whatsoever. None. Nada. Zippo. Zilch. Have I checked? No, I have not checked. But trust me, there are no leggy Polish or Czech chicks to be found on Mount Everest.

(I guess you're going to tell me that Fantom Kiler 4 is replete with leggy Polish and Czech chicks, am I right?) You're not only right, you're correct too.

The real reason I slogged through Fantom Kiler 2 and Fantom Kiler 3 had nothing to do with being "contractually obligated" or even for the sense of accomplishment it would no doubt bring me. No, sir, the real reason had everything to do with the fact that Fantom Kiler 4 stars the one and only Hana Liska. As I watched the so-called actresses from the previous three films stink up the joint something fierce with their lack of charisma and their oiled up fake breasts, the thought that the beguiling Hana Liska would be coming along soon or later to teach these no talent hosebeasts a thing or two about screen presence gently buttered my aura with a sense of languid anticipation.

Just the mere thought that Hana Liska's unique brand of everything was about to kick me in the taint was what got me through the cinematic nightmare that was the experience of watching the first three chapters.

(Hold on, man, "unique brand of everything," what the hell does that mean?) If you remember what I wrote about Hana Liska's performance in Mark of the Whip, then you'll know that Hana Liska doesn't behave in an orthodox manner (she doesn't have an orthodox bone in her body). Whether she's walking, talking, sleeping, or just plain sitting still, Hana Liska puts her own unique twist on almost everything she does. In fact, I would go as far as to say that Hana Liska is unlike any human being who has ever lived.

You'll notice immediately that isn't your typical Fantom Kiler flick. How so? Well, for one thing, it starts off outside. I know, all the films in the series technically take place "outside," but this one really takes place outside. And get this, I can totally see the sky! Anyway, a prostitute named, oh, let's call her, Pani Piegi (Pavla Nicole), opens her leather coat to reveal that she is wearing nothing under it. Flashing her naked pussy at a punter named, oh, let's call him, Zbigniew (Andrej Krupa), Pani Piegi tells him that she's sure he can afford her.

Things get rough right from the get-go, as Zbigniew drags Pani Piegi into the woods and proceeds to insert his erect penis into her butthole. As he's about to do this, Pani Piegi tells him, "I don't do anal," to which Zbigniew quickly replies, "You do now." Oh, Zbigniew.

After suffocating Pani Piegi with a plastic bag and expelling lepki jizz all over her neck and face, Zbigniew pulls out his knife and prepares to cut off her labia (he wants it as a trophy), when, all of a sudden, Pani Piegi springs to life and proceeds to stomp the hell out of his patetyczny genitals.

Running after Pani Piegi, who has taken off into the woods, Zbigniew throws his knife at her. Barely missing her, Pani Piegi decides to throw the knife back. Hitting him in the hand at such a velocity that it causes him to become stuck to a tree, Pani Piegi is able to give Zbigniew a few knuckle sandwiches without fear of reprisals. Telling him that she's going to cut off his penis, Pani... (Wait, how can Pani Piegi cut off his penis? If she removes the knife from his hand, won't Zbigniew will be able to resist?) Ah, you didn't let me finish. You see, Pani Piegi has a surprise hidden in her rectum. Now, I don't know how Zbigniew wasn't able to feel this surprise when his erect penis was poking around in there five minutes earlier, but Pani Piegi pulls out a straight razor from her ass.

As Pani Piegi began to gingerly extract the straight razor from her not-so chocolate-coloured chocolate starfish, I started bouncing off the walls like a deranged mental patient who has just discovered the walls of their cell are padded. The sight of Pani Piegi using the straight razor she had hidden in her rectum to cut off Zbigniew's penis was the most awesome thing I've seen in years.

My advice to Pani Piegi: Take the straight razor, leave the severed penis. Tossing Zbigniew's penis in the bushes like the rape-facilitating piece of garbage that it is, Pani Piegi wanders off. Oh, and if you this is the last we're going to hear from Zbigniew's penis, think again. It will take more than getting sliced off and chucked in the bushes to keep Zbigniew's penis from exploring new and exciting vaginal, oral and anal passageways.

Trust me, what I just said will make sense in the coming moments. In the meantime, Pani Piegi is confronted by a faceless man dressed all in black in a corn field. Before you yawn, I should tell you, the faceless man in black is chasing Pani Piegi in a combine havester. When the faceless man knocks Pani Piegi unconscious, she dreams that she is being penetrated by a purple dildo that is being wielded by her girlfriend. In reality, though, the faceless man dressed in all black is raping her with an ear of corn.

Meanwhile, back in the woods, the cops find Zbigniew's dead body right where Pani Piegi left him. And you know what that means? Enter the gorgeous Inspector Sylvia Nowak (Hana Liska), Poland's best and leggiest lady detektyw. "Have you found his dick yet?," she asks the officers on the scene. As she's noticing something in the woods (a shadowy figure dressed in black), someone shoves Zbigniew's severed cock in her face.

While chatting with her boss, Barabara Rynkowska (Maria Vaslova), outside police headquarters, Inspector Nowak is told that Officer Stella Green (Dionne) can't be trusted with evidence, and, on top of that, she's a nymphomaniac.

(Oh, no, don't tell me, Officer Stella Green is in charge of Zbigniew's severed cock, isn't she?) Yep. When Officer Stella Green, who's in her office (dig the Soviet flag on the wall), holds Zbigniew's severed penis aloft in its evidence bag, she says, "Okay. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yes. Cut. Yes. Oh, you poor thing. So nice penis. Fuck." It was at this moment that I realized that Roman Nowicki's decision to have his actors speak English was the correct one. You see, in the previous chapters of the Fantom Kiler series, all the dialogue was a bizarre mishmash of Polish, Czech and Russian. But now every line is spoken in an endearing form of broken English.

Anyway, taking Zbigniew's severed "so nice penis" out of its evidence baggy, Officer Stella Green proceeds to examine it carefully. Removing her seksowny Polish police uniform, Officer Stella Green, whose eyeshadow matches her bra and panties, hops on her desk (which naturally has a bottle of J+B scotch on it) and starts to insert his severed penis into her vagina. While I thought the prop department could have probably done a better job finding a more realistic-looking severed penis, kudos to them, nonetheless, for at least making the part of the penis where it was severed to appear somewhat bloody.

While Hana Liska is definitely the sexiest, most alluring woman in the Fantom Kiler universe, Dionne is no slouch, as her body is amazing (all-natural, baby). Just down the hall, Barbara Rynkowska is scolding the painter who was hired to paint her office. Check this out, instead of painting, he was busy reading a pornographic magazine. After sending him packing, Barbara is confronted by the Fantom Kiler. Offering a simple solution to her problem, the Fantom Kiler removes Barbara's grey suit and uses her fake breasts as paint brushes. You heard right, her paint-covered fake breasts are being pressed against the wall of her office.

A similar scene takes place later on in the film when Kasia (Kate Blond), Inspector Nowak's BFF, catches a janitor sleeping on the job. Except, instead of using her breasts as a paintbrush, the Fantom Kiler employs her as a human mop. And anyone wanna guess where the Fantom Kiler shoves the mop handle? Anyone? Very good, Billy. He does insert the mop handle into her anus.

My favourite aspect about the booby paintbrush/human mop scenes are that they both start off with strong women bossing around meek men. The fact that both scenes eventually evolve into two of the most misogynistic sequences the franchise has ever produced didn't seem to bother me.

Stressed out... no, scratch that. Deeply disturbed by what happened to Officer Stella Green, Barbara and Kasia, Inspector Nowak is more determined than ever to catch the sadistic killer responsible for these heinous crimes.

She shouldn't, however, expect any help from her male peers, as Inspector Borak (Petr Sass) gives her nothing but grief (and a severe spanking with a red fly swatter). Well, he does advise to start wearing pyjamas as a way of preventing foreign objects from slipping into her pussy as she sleeps. Which I thought that was on the cusp of being helpful. But for most part, Inspector Nowak is all alone.

In the film's most effective scene in terms of atmosphere, Inspector Nowak is seen investigating a dark figure lurking in the middle of a field of dead sunflowers. I don't know how they managed to pull this off, but this scene looks like something you might find in a real horror movie. Leggily approaching the dark figure, Hana Liska, who is fully clothed(!), slowly walks toward it (the slit on her white skirt no doubt aiding her ability to walk slowly) with her gun drawn, and then she... Well, I don't want to ruin the surprise.

(Is the gun Hana L. uses in the sunflower scene the same gun that was in her vagina the night she discovered there was a gun in her vagina?) Probably. (Yay!)

A vast improvement over all the other films in every possible way you can imagine, Fantom Kiler 4 trumps its predecessors when it comes to camera angles, cinematography, acting, sets, and costumes. But most importantly, part four gives us a series of cleverly devised torture and murder sequences that will shock and amuse in equal measure; you have to admit, using a severed penis as a dildo is pretty freakin' hilarious. My only complaint has to do with the fact that none of the women wear stockings and that Hana Liska's pubic hair seems to change in-between scenes. So, in the future, be sure to add stockings to your costume designer's shopping list and make sure to keep tabs on the pubic hair of your actors.