Fantom Kiler 4 (Roman Nowicki, 2008)

As I sat down to watch Fantom Kiler 4, I made sure to check that my critical knives were properly sharpened before doing so. Feeling guilty over the fact that I had unnecessarily subjected myself to Fantom Kiler 2 and Fantom Kiler 3 (the first Fantom Kiler was a distant memory, as I had watched it more than fifty menstrual cycles ago), I was in a foul mood going into the fourth film in the Roman Nowicki-directed extreme erotic horror franchise. I know, you're thinking to yourself: Then why watch the fourth film if that's the way you feel? Well, you see, if I had stopped after the second film, that would have been all right. But once I made it through the third film, I felt contractually obligated to finish the series. And finish it I did. Call me misguided and sad, but I felt a weird sense of accomplishment when the end credits for part four began to roll. I would even go as far as to say that I bet the sensation you get after watching all four films in the Fantom Kiler series is similar to the sensation mountain climbers experience when they reach the top of Mount Everest. Am I serious? Let me ponder that for a minute. You know what? I am serious. Both are physically and mentally demanding. And both take a ton of skill and a shitload of daring. Oh, sure, Mount Everest is tad more dangerous (as the recent headlines can attest), but can a mountain give you an erection? That's right, it can't. And you wanna know why it can't? It boasts no leggy Polish or Czech chicks whatsoever. None. Nada. Zippo. Zilch. Have I checked? No, I have not checked. But trust me, there are no leggy Polish or Czech chicks to be found on Mount Everest.

(I guess you're going to tell me that Fantom Kiler 4 is replete with leggy Polish and Czech chicks, am I right?) You're not only right, you're correct too.

The real reason I slogged through Fantom Kiler 2 and Fantom Kiler 3 had nothing to do with being "contractually obligated" or even for the sense of accomplishment it would no doubt bring me. No, sir, the real reason had everything to do with the fact that Fantom Kiler 4 stars the one and only Hana Liska. As I watched the so-called actresses from the previous three films stink up the joint something fierce with their lack of charisma and their oiled up fake breasts, the thought that the beguiling Hana Liska would be coming along soon or later to teach these no talent hosebeasts a thing or two about screen presence gently buttered my aura with a sense of languid anticipation.

Just the mere thought that Hana Liska's unique brand of everything was about to kick me in the taint was what got me through the cinematic nightmare that was the experience of watching the first three chapters.

(Hold on, man, "unique brand of everything," what the hell does that mean?) If you remember what I wrote about Hana Liska's performance in Mark of the Whip, then you'll know that Hana Liska doesn't behave in an orthodox manner (she doesn't have an orthodox bone in her body). Whether she's walking, talking, sleeping, or just plain sitting still, Hana Liska puts her own unique twist on almost everything she does. In fact, I would go as far as to say that Hana Liska is unlike any human being who has ever lived.

You'll notice immediately that isn't your typical Fantom Kiler flick. How so? Well, for one thing, it starts off outside. I know, all the films in the series technically take place "outside," but this one really takes place outside. And get this, I can totally see the sky! Anyway, a prostitute named, oh, let's call her, Pani Piegi (Pavla Nicole), opens her leather coat to reveal that she is wearing nothing under it. Flashing her naked pussy at a punter named, oh, let's call him, Zbigniew (Andrej Krupa), Pani Piegi tells him that she's sure he can afford her.

Things get rough right from the get-go, as Zbigniew drags Pani Piegi into the woods and proceeds to insert his erect penis into her butthole. As he's about to do this, Pani Piegi tells him, "I don't do anal," to which Zbigniew quickly replies, "You do now." Oh, Zbigniew.

After suffocating Pani Piegi with a plastic bag and expelling lepki jizz all over her neck and face, Zbigniew pulls out his knife and prepares to cut off her labia (he wants it as a trophy), when, all of a sudden, Pani Piegi springs to life and proceeds to stomp the hell out of his patetyczny genitals.

Running after Pani Piegi, who has taken off into the woods, Zbigniew throws his knife at her. Barely missing her, Pani Piegi decides to throw the knife back. Hitting him in the hand at such a velocity that it causes him to become stuck to a tree, Pani Piegi is able to give Zbigniew a few knuckle sandwiches without fear of reprisals. Telling him that she's going to cut off his penis, Pani... (Wait, how can Pani Piegi cut off his penis? If she removes the knife from his hand, won't Zbigniew will be able to resist?) Ah, you didn't let me finish. You see, Pani Piegi has a surprise hidden in her rectum. Now, I don't know how Zbigniew wasn't able to feel this surprise when his erect penis was poking around in there five minutes earlier, but Pani Piegi pulls out a straight razor from her ass.

As Pani Piegi began to gingerly extract the straight razor from her not-so chocolate-coloured chocolate starfish, I started bouncing off the walls like a deranged mental patient who has just discovered the walls of their cell are padded. The sight of Pani Piegi using the straight razor she had hidden in her rectum to cut off Zbigniew's penis was the most awesome thing I've seen in years.

My advice to Pani Piegi: Take the straight razor, leave the severed penis. Tossing Zbigniew's penis in the bushes like the rape-facilitating piece of garbage that it is, Pani Piegi wanders off. Oh, and if you this is the last we're going to hear from Zbigniew's penis, think again. It will take more than getting sliced off and chucked in the bushes to keep Zbigniew's penis from exploring new and exciting vaginal, oral and anal passageways.

Trust me, what I just said will make sense in the coming moments. In the meantime, Pani Piegi is confronted by a faceless man dressed all in black in a corn field. Before you yawn, I should tell you, the faceless man in black is chasing Pani Piegi in a combine havester. When the faceless man knocks Pani Piegi unconscious, she dreams that she is being penetrated by a purple dildo that is being wielded by her girlfriend. In reality, though, the faceless man dressed in all black is raping her with an ear of corn.

Meanwhile, back in the woods, the cops find Zbigniew's dead body right where Pani Piegi left him. And you know what that means? Enter the gorgeous Inspector Sylvia Nowak (Hana Liska), Poland's best and leggiest lady detektyw. "Have you found his dick yet?," she asks the officers on the scene. As she's noticing something in the woods (a shadowy figure dressed in black), someone shoves Zbigniew's severed cock in her face.

While chatting with her boss, Barabara Rynkowska (Maria Vaslova), outside police headquarters, Inspector Nowak is told that Officer Stella Green (Dionne) can't be trusted with evidence, and, on top of that, she's a nymphomaniac.

(Oh, no, don't tell me, Officer Stella Green is in charge of Zbigniew's severed cock, isn't she?) Yep. When Officer Stella Green, who's in her office (dig the Soviet flag on the wall), holds Zbigniew's severed penis aloft in its evidence bag, she says, "Okay. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yes. Cut. Yes. Oh, you poor thing. So nice penis. Fuck." It was at this moment that I realized that Roman Nowicki's decision to have his actors speak English was the correct one. You see, in the previous chapters of the Fantom Kiler series, all the dialogue was a bizarre mishmash of Polish, Czech and Russian. But now every line is spoken in an endearing form of broken English.

Anyway, taking Zbigniew's severed "so nice penis" out of its evidence baggy, Officer Stella Green proceeds to examine it carefully. Removing her seksowny Polish police uniform, Officer Stella Green, whose eyeshadow matches her bra and panties, hops on her desk (which naturally has a bottle of J+B scotch on it) and starts to insert his severed penis into her vagina. While I thought the prop department could have probably done a better job finding a more realistic-looking severed penis, kudos to them, nonetheless, for at least making the part of the penis where it was severed to appear somewhat bloody.

While Hana Liska is definitely the sexiest, most alluring woman in the Fantom Kiler universe, Dionne is no slouch, as her body is amazing (all-natural, baby). Just down the hall, Barbara Rynkowska is scolding the painter who was hired to paint her office. Check this out, instead of painting, he was busy reading a pornographic magazine. After sending him packing, Barbara is confronted by the Fantom Kiler. Offering a simple solution to her problem, the Fantom Kiler removes Barbara's grey suit and uses her fake breasts as paint brushes. You heard right, her paint-covered fake breasts are being pressed against the wall of her office.

A similar scene takes place later on in the film when Kasia (Kate Blond), Inspector Nowak's BFF, catches a janitor sleeping on the job. Except, instead of using her breasts as a paintbrush, the Fantom Kiler employs her as a human mop. And anyone wanna guess where the Fantom Kiler shoves the mop handle? Anyone? Very good, Billy. He does insert the mop handle into her anus.

My favourite aspect about the booby paintbrush/human mop scenes are that they both start off with strong women bossing around meek men. The fact that both scenes eventually evolve into two of the most misogynistic sequences the franchise has ever produced didn't seem to bother me.

Stressed out... no, scratch that. Deeply disturbed by what happened to Officer Stella Green, Barbara and Kasia, Inspector Nowak is more determined than ever to catch the sadistic killer responsible for these heinous crimes.

She shouldn't, however, expect any help from her male peers, as Inspector Borak (Petr Sass) gives her nothing but grief (and a severe spanking with a red fly swatter). Well, he does advise to start wearing pyjamas as a way of preventing foreign objects from slipping into her pussy as she sleeps. Which I thought that was on the cusp of being helpful. But for most part, Inspector Nowak is all alone.

In the film's most effective scene in terms of atmosphere, Inspector Nowak is seen investigating a dark figure lurking in the middle of a field of dead sunflowers. I don't know how they managed to pull this off, but this scene looks like something you might find in a real horror movie. Leggily approaching the dark figure, Hana Liska, who is fully clothed(!), slowly walks toward it (the slit on her white skirt no doubt aiding her ability to walk slowly) with her gun drawn, and then she... Well, I don't want to ruin the surprise.

(Is the gun Hana L. uses in the sunflower scene the same gun that was in her vagina the night she discovered there was a gun in her vagina?) Probably. (Yay!)

A vast improvement over all the other films in every possible way you can imagine, Fantom Kiler 4 trumps its predecessors when it comes to camera angles, cinematography, acting, sets, and costumes. But most importantly, part four gives us a series of cleverly devised torture and murder sequences that will shock and amuse in equal measure; you have to admit, using a severed penis as a dildo is pretty freakin' hilarious. My only complaint has to do with the fact that none of the women wear stockings and that Hana Liska's pubic hair seems to change in-between scenes. So, in the future, be sure to add stockings to your costume designer's shopping list and make sure to keep tabs on the pubic hair of your actors.

Mark of the Whip (Roman Nowicki, 2005)

Wrapping around your slender frame with an unpredictable cruelty, the whip lashes against your flesh at the behest of The Fantom Whipper, the primary whip-wielder in the whip-tastic Mark of the Whip, the whipping fetish movie so whip-centric that when we do finally see a Polish penis going in and out of a Slovak vagina, we can't help but look at it with a cockeyed sense of wonder and befuddlement. Hold the rotary telephone, did you just spell phantom with an 'F'? Let me check. Well what do you know, it looks like I just did. You didn't just watch another film by Roman Nowicki, did you? Who? You know exactly who, the writer-director of Fantom Kiler, the erotic slasher flick produced by Teraz Films. Why wouldn't I...watch another one of his films? Do you really want me to answer that? Don't be such a pompous prick. Sure, there are a lot of things to bemoan about his films. But I have to admit, there's also something decidedly off-kilter about them. And I think one of the main reasons can be summed up by uttering two simple words. Are you ready? Eastern Europe. What does that have to do with anything? Hear me out. Take away this film's Eastern European component, and what you're left with is, well, not really worth writing about. Actually, that's not entirely true. There is, after all, the question surrounding the masks. You see, all the men in this movie wear rubber masks. Now, I can see why The Fantom Whipper would wear a mask, um, duh, he's The Fantom Whipper, it's par for the course that he wear a mask. But the police inspector, the construction worker, and even some of the extras in the bar, why were they wearing masks? It didn't making any sense. And therein lies another reason why this movie is so appealing.

Again, if the film made any sense, it probably wouldn't be as entertaining. Imagine if you removed the Eastern European babes (and their wonky grasp of the English language) and took away the masks. What's that? You don't want to imagine that because you have no intention of watching this film. Fair enough. Nevertheless, the film wouldn't be the same.

You'll notice that I mentioned that the Eastern European babes speak English in this film; if you remember, the dialogue in the Fantom Kiler was weird mix of incorrectly subtitled Polish and Russian. What's your point? My point is, their broken English, combined with their unorthodox approach to acting, was the reason the film worked on so many levels. Really? 'Cause in my mind that sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Yeah, it sounds like a recipe for disaster, but it totally isn't. Oh, sure, when Maria Vaslova first opens her mouth to complain about being lost in the film's opening scene, a felt a wave of nervousness trickle up and down my spine. But once I got used to her wooden delivery, it was easy sailing the rest the away.

I wish I could say the same for Maria Vaslova's Sylvia, a leggy Czech woman with fake breasts, as she finds herself in the middle of woods surrounded by a haphazardly assembled throng of masked reprobates brandishing whips. You're right, that doesn't sound like easy sailing. But then again, the film is called "Mark of the Whip," not "Mark of the Easy Sailing."

The fact, by the way, that Maria Vaslova had fake breasts was a tad distressing. Not to imply that they impeded my ability to enjoy the robust whipping she receives at the hands of the masked reprobates and The Fantom Whipper; I'm not a big fan of maledom (in fact, I loathe it), I much prefer femdom. It's just that one of the reasons I like Eastern European women so much is that they haven't been tainted by the garish excesses of the body modifying phenomenon that has infected the western world.

Since Miss Vaslova hasn't reveled her fraudulent titties yet, let's enjoy the sight of her wandering the mist-laden woods in a leggy manner, shall we? Girl, you wander those woods. According to her vaguely coherent ramblings, Sylvia, who is wearing a light-coloured mini-dress, says, "My car is broke. Need to find a bridge." Using a flashlight to help find her way, Sylvia's attempt find "a bridge" is repeatedly impeded by the masked reprobates I mentioned earlier. Crowding around her, the masked reprobates start to whip Sylvia en masse. To ease the chaos of the whipping, the reprobates tie Sylvia up. This allows each masked reprobate a chance to get his licks in.

I'm not really enjoying the whipping from an erotic point of view, but I have to admit, the atmosphere is fantastic. Apparently, the reason I'm not enjoying the whipping is because the people doing the whipping are amateurs. Stepping out from the shadows, The Fantom Whipper (Conrad Bismark) makes his presence felt. Sporting a white mask, a long black coat and carrying a huge whip, The Fantom Whipper tells Sylvia: "Forgive my children, for they don't know how to whip." He actually says that? He sure does. Amazing. I'm not an expert when it comes to whipping, but I could tell The Fantom Whipper was a first-rate whipper, as he makes mincemeat out of Sylvia's mostly real organic structure.

Lying bed in the hospital the next day, Sylvia, who is wearing a ball gag for some reason, explains to Detective Carla Nowak (Hana Liska) that she was first whipped by a bunch of "ugly village retards," but then she felt the lash of The Fantom Whipper. When describing being whipped by the latter, Sylvia's temperament seems to change. Instead bemoaning the fact that she was stripped naked and whipped for an extended period of time, Sylvia sounds like she enjoyed the experience.

Telling Det. Nowak that just mere thought of being whipped by The Fantom Whipper is making her soft, sensitive pussy wet, it's clear Sylvia is addicted to the crack of his whip. Oh, and the reason the nurse put a ball gag in her mouth was to stop her yelling at her fellow patients (she kept demanding that they whip her).

When the nurse starts to apply cream to Sylvia's whip marks, Hana Liska grabs the film by its haunches and never lets go. Huh? Check out the quality of Hana's acting as she watches the nurse rub cream all over Sylvia's fake breasts. Employing lip biting and inquisitive head tilting simultaneously, Hana Liska's acting style is unlike anything I've ever seen.

Don't believe me? Well, don't worry, you get to experience more of Hana Liska's unorthodox acting style in the next scene, which finds Det. Nowak tracking down The Fantom Whipper at a local pub. Wearing a slinky black dress, Det. Nowak, who is undercover, sits next to The Fantom Whipper at the bar (check out the bottle of J+B). You mean The Fantom Whipper is just sitting there, with his mask on? Of course. Isn't that a little conspicuous? Not at all. Lot's of guys in the pub are wearing creepy masks. He even tells Det. Nowak that "he whips women" when she asks him what he does for a living.

Anyway, getting back to Hana Liska's acting. Watch Hana Liska as she listens to The Fantom Whipper explain, in lurid detail, the appeal of the lash. Displaying the same talent for lip biting and inquisitive head tilting she did in the previous scene, Hana Liska adds smoking to her ever-growing repertoire of acting tricks. It was almost as if Hana Liska had never smoked a cigarette before, as she held the cigarette in a manner that was highly irregular. While that sounds like it would a bad thing, it's not. Everything Hana Liska does in this movie, from the way she walks, to the way she talks, hell, even to the way she holds a gun and dials a telephone, was out of the ordinary.

Informing The Fantom Whipper that his whip-based soliloquy has made her cunt moist, Det. Nowak invites him to feel for himself. Spreading her legs ever so slightly, The Fantom Whipper takes his gloved hand and pokes her vagina. Bringing the gloved hand up to his face, The Fantom Whipper declares her pussy juice to be a "delicious cocktail."

Despite the delicious cocktail, Det. Nowak is still unconvinced that whipping can cause women to experience orgasm. In order to prove it, The Fantom Whipper invites Det. Nowak to come see his whipping loft.

Am I crazy or does Hana Liska have legs for miles?

Unlike Sylvia, Det. Nowak is all natural. And I must say, it's a beautiful thing. The Fantom Whipper seems to agree, as he calls her "magnificent." Which is high praise, considering the fact that The Fantom Whipper is famously stingy when it comes to giving out compliments.

As The Fantom Whipper is inserting the handle of his whip into Det. Nowak's private cubbyhole, she pulls a gun out of her purse and starts reading him his rights. Ha! Ha! Busted! Ahh, look at the way Hana Liska is holding her gun. It's so fucking singular, it makes my spirit soar. Unfortunately, this singularity allows The Fantom Whipper to turn the tables on her with relative ease. Knocking her unconscious (even they way Hana falls to the ground is unique), Det. Nowak wakes up tied to the ceiling with a ball gag in her mouth. Prepare to feel the sting of the lash, Det. Nowak, because you're about to be whipped by a professional.

To the surprise of no one, Det. Nowak, just like Sylvia, is now addicted to the lash, and is craving a good whipping the very next day. However, in order to feel the crack of his mighty whip, Det. Nowak must do something for him in return. And you know what that means? That's right, put on your nicest black fishnet body stocking, Hana, 'cause your Polish and/or Czech ass has got some jewels to steal.

If I had to hurl one criticism in the general direction of Mark of the Whip, it's that the whipping scenes go on for far too long. Sure, I liked how The Fantom Whipper's whip slowly reduced Det. Nowak's fishnet body stocking to frayed bits of netted nothingness during her post-jewel theft, nipple clamp-assisted forest whipping, but the whipping scenes were at times tedious. That being said, I dug the overall atmosphere of the film. And the fact that it seems to take place within its own universe.