[REC] 3: Genesis (Paco Plaza, 2012)

Wow, I've heard of makeshift slits, impromptu slits (slits on the fly), and even accidental slits, but never have I seen a slit made with a chainsaw. (What on earth are you babbling about?) Chainsaw slits, you bleary-eyed motherfucker. That's what I'm babbling about. And where, by chance, did I see a slit made with a chainsaw? Why, I saw it done in a movie called... What the... It says here I saw it done in a movie called: [REC] 3: Genesis. What kind of made-up nonsense is that? Seriously, what does that even mean? And what's with the brackets? Maybe it's because I haven't been keeping up with current events or maybe it's because I'm an idiot. Whatever the reason, I've never heard any of these "rec movies." That being said, can you blame me? I mean, I'm trying to transition here. In other words, I've got more important shit to worry about. At any rate, you might be wondering how I stumbled upon this kooky slice of Spanish horror. What's that? You're not wondering about that. Hmm. Nevertheless. If you looked at the DVD covers for the so-called "rec movies," which one do you think I would choose to watch based solely on the box art? That's right, I'd pick the one that boasted the attractive woman wielding a chainsaw in a wedding dress. Now, if you would have told me that the slit on her wedding dress was created by the very chainsaw she was holding, I think I would have fainted. Of course, you're probably thinking to yourself: Fainted? What kind of gay ass shit is that? It's true, admitting that you might faint is some pretty "gay ass shit." But don't forget, I'm a... (Yeah, yeah, you're trans... we get it). Nevertheless, gay ass shit comes with the territory. And I couldn't be more pleased.

Anyway, enough of this shit, gay ass or otherwise. Let's talk chainsaw slits and the skinny armed goddesses who make them. Or, more importantly, how does a woman go from being a blushing bride at a congested Spanish wedding to a chainsaw-wielding zombie killer?

It's simple, really. If you push a Spanish bride too far, she will drop-kick your rotting ass into next week.

Separated during her wedding due to zombie-related circumstances beyond her control, Clara (Leticia Dolera) must battle her way through an angry mob of blood-spewing fiends in formal wear in order to be reunited with Koldo (Diego Martin), the love of her life.

Though, I should point out the film, directed by Paca Plaza, is kind of annoying... in the early going. Starting off as a "found footage film," ugh, [REC] 3: Genesis is basically Cloverfield 2: The Wedding. And like the original Cloverfield, the shaky camera work began to make me feel nauseous.

Probably realizing the audience is getting sick and tired of seeing that little red "rec" icon in the top right corner of the screen, Paco switches to proper cameras after around the twenty minute mark. Free from having to adhere to the rules that govern the found footage genre, the film, well, becomes more cinematic... more, er, um, watchable.

Sure, grainy footage is still employed now and then (security camera footage mostly), but for the most part the film resembles your typical zombie flick. Which is a good and a bad thing. It's bad because I'm so over zombies (I recently gave up on The Walking Dead). It's good because who wants to watch poorly shot cam footage of Leticia Dolera fighting zombies? Not me, that's for sure.

Of course, given that I haven't seen any of the other "rec movies," I was kind of confused as to where the zombies came from. Just kidding, I couldn't care less.

From the looks of it, I would say the groom's uncle was the one who started the whole zombie mess (he has bandage on his hand that covers a bite mark). That being said, when the groom's uncle eventually starts biting wedding guests, all these other zombies or "infected" enter the reception hall and make with the neck chomping and the blood spewing. So, yeah, the wedding is crawling with zombies in no time.

And, like I said earlier, the bride and groom are separated during the chaos of those first few minutes.

It's when Clara discovers that Koldo is still alive that the film.... Hold up, I almost forgot. There's a character named "Sponge John" or "John Esponja," that should be given his due. Unable to call himself "Sponge Bob" for legal reasons, Sponge John (Miguel Ángel González), whose been working weddings and birthday parties for over ten years, is probably my second favourite character behind Clara. 

In fact, when Rafa (Ismael Martínez), a sleazy scumbag/wedding guest asks Sponge John why doesn't he just take his Sponge John costume off when he implies that it is impeding his ability to accomplish simple tasks, his reasoning caused me to emit a substantial laughing noise from my primary mouth hole. It was either a "ha" noise or a "hee" noise. I'm not sure. Either way, the sight of Sponge John running around with a shotgun in the fake movie rain brought me a shitload of temporary joy.

It should be noted that, yes, Rafa is a "sleazy scumbag." However, without his help, Clara's chainsaw slit would have never come to be. You see, in order for Clara to cut into her wedding dress with any success, someone needs to hold the dress still. And that someone turns out to be Rafa. So, I guess, special thanks are in order. Determined to be reunited with Koldo, Clara slices and dices her way through a half a dozen zombies in, like I said earlier, formal wear to get to him. Now, could it have been gorier? I guess. But I did appreciate the way Clara's pluck gradually increased over the course of the film.

While the first twenty or so minutes are torture to sit through (it's basically a wedding video), the film eventually becomes the kind of trashy campy fun I like. So, I would, and I can't believe I'm about to say this, recommend [REC] 3: Genesis. It's reckless, rectum-tingling cinema at its sort of finest.

Special thanks to Joaquin Guirao for suggesting this flick... And, yes, you're right, it did remind of me of Álex de la Iglesia's early stuff.