Teeth (Mitchell Lichtenstein, 2007)

Three cocks fall to the ground in Teeth after being gnawed off by a vengeful vagina. The former owners of each fallen cock reacts differently as they stare at their once attached members. Just kidding, they all scream at the top of their lungs, clasping at their bloody dick stumps with a confused horror. Though, it should be noted that the vagina itself is not vengeful. You see, at first I thought it was the vagina that killed. But as we soon find out, things aren't as simple as that. And that's what makes this film so special. I mean, any old jackass can make a crazed vagina movie. However, it takes real skill to make one that oozes intelligence. (Are you sure you're talking about "Teeth"? The movie where a dog eats a guys recently severed penis and spits out the pierced tip with a heedless brand of canine indifference?) Yep, that's the movie. (The movie where a guys recently severed penis is devoured by cave crabs and another guys recently severed penis is reattached, but not after the doctors ridicule it for its lack of girth in the hung department?) How is that so difficult to understand? Trust me, I've seen plenty of movies over the years that boast characters who experience genital-based distress. In other words, I know an intelligent vagina dentata movie when I see it.

Call it a feminist allegory, call it a first-rate slab of body horror, call it what you will, Teeth is probably the most thought provoking killer cunt movie since Liquid Sky. Okay, you're probably thinking to yourself: Huh? Think about it. Both Teeth and Liquid Sky feature celibate women who suddenly find their dust-laden vaginas under attack by a seemingly unending concourse of unwelcome pre-ejaculatory fluid-slathered cock. Yet, it's actually outside forces, not the coozes themselves, who are fighting back against this penile pile up.

What I mean is, in the case of Teeth, the vagina has the means to slice and dice the cocks that enter its damp realm, but it ultimately has no say when it comes to initiating the actual chomping of cocks, and, I suppose, pockmark-dotted slabs of scrotal overhang. I don't want to say anymore about who or what is controlling the serrated teeth that lie beneath the fleshy folds of juicy lady skin, but the fact that we're repeatedly shown two nearby cooling towers billowing toxic smoke has lead me to believe that Dawn's pussy has developed an ingenious defense mechanism.

You could say, the inside of Dawn's pussy contains the world's first society dedicated solely to the cutting up of men. Of course, given its relatively small-size, no one can move to this society to start a new life. At least not yet. But any obstinate cock harbouring malicious intent will quickly find out that Dawn's dime store jizz jar isn't a velvety knapsack filled with gluten-free gummy bears and secret secretions. If anything, it's an angry she-beast that eats rapist junk for breakfast.

Since I've implied that Dawn's pussy kills many dicks in this movie, it only makes sense for writer-director Mitchell Lichtenstein to cast someone who is both believable as an abstinence advocate and as a vaginal vigilante. And even though I've never heard of her, I thought Jess Weixler was an excellent choice to play Dawn, the spokesperson pro-abstinence group called "The Promise."

After a brief opening scene that shows Dawn cutting her soon to be step brother's finger with her vagina when they were little kids, we're quickly whisked into Dawn's sex-free playworld. Speaking to a rapt audience of   abstinence freaks, Dawn talks about sex like it were a gift, and that you should keep it wrapped for your wife or husband.

As she's speaking, Dawn can't help but notice the Jonas brother-esque Tobey (Hale Appleman) sitting in the audience. Popping several lady-boners during their initial meeting, I have a feeling this Tobey fella is going to cause Dawn to open her gift prematurely. If you know what I mean.

Now, you might have noticed that I have already used the word "vagina" several times over the course of this review. Well, you won't hear that word used in Dawn and Tobey's sex-ed class. Seriously, the sex-ed teacher can't even say it. Why that is, I'm not quite sure, as I've always used the word. Nonetheless, I think what the film is trying to say is that vaginas are dangerous.

Hell, even Brad (John Hensley), Dawn's dirtbag step brother, knows not to travel vaginal passageways, as he always penetrates his girlfriend Melanie  (Nicole Swahn) anally. It would seem that Brad's misguided attempt to finger Dawn as a kid has traumatized him to such an extent that he fears his girlfriend's vagina.

He also must fear fishnet pantyhose, as he fails to savour the sight of Melanie pulling them on after anal sex, as she says this gem of a line: "I have a perfectly good pussy." Sure you do, honey.

In what has to be favourite non-penis severing scene, Brad playfully tries to feed Melanie a dog biscuit after anal sex. What can I say? I'm a sucker for awkward post-coital post-play.

Unable to stop having sexy dreams about Tobey, Dawn finally givens in and invites him to go to a nearby swimming hole. Speaking of holes, I thought everything seemed vaginal during the swimming hole scene. The trees, the water and the ground had a vaginal vibe about them. Things get even more vaginal, when Dawn and Tobey end up in a cave together. And, as everyone knows, caves are nature's vaginas.

Deciding that she doesn't want to give Tobey her gift, at least not inside nature's vagina, Dawn politely asks Tobey to cease and desist with the penile probing. When he fails to do so, that's when the sound of cocks being sliced begin. If I had to describe the sound a penis makes when it's being severed by serrated vagina teeth, I'd have to say it sounds like someone walking through a muddy field in galoshes.

Since it's implied that most men need to revisit "the dark crucible that hatched him," Dawn should expect that many more penises will attempt to penetrate her unusual box. However, it's ultimately up to Dawn which penis she severs and which penis she allows to spew its goo without incident.

Don't forget, just because she allows you spew your goo without incident the first time you have sex with her, doesn't mean she won't pierce your penile stump with her jagged vagina teeth the second time. Oh, and don't confess to her mid-hump that you and your friend made some wager to see who could fuck her first. It's not only inconsiderate, and, not to mention, ungentlemanly as all get out, it's downright foolish. I mean, she can end your dick in the blink of an eye. And I think that's the most important lesson one can take away from this movie, don't rape women, or anyone for that matter. It's totally uncool, bro.