Porky's (Bob Clark, 1981)

It's finally come to this. I'm writing about Bob Clark's Porky's, the most successful Canadian movie of all-time. What's that? You didn't know Porky's was Canadian? Yeah, well, it is. Whenever you see Doug McGrath (Goin' Down the Road), Art Hindle (The Brood) and Kim Cattrall (Mannequin) in the same movie, chances are, it's Canadian. Anyway, I can't believe I'm about to review Porky's. It's not that the film is beneath me or anything like that. It's just that I've seen it so many times. Or have I? You see, Porky's is one of those films I've seen hundreds of times, but never from start to finish. What I think I'm trying to say is, I've gone out of my way more times than I care to admit to watch Coach Brackett fuck Miss Honeywell in the boys locker room. In other words, what happens before and after this scene has always been a bit of a mystery to me. Okay, maybe it's not a mystery, but I'm sure nothing that occurs before or after the sight of Kim Cattrall being boned on a pile of dirty gym socks can top it in terms of being iconic and junk. And trust me, it's iconic. Whenever Porky's would air on late night television back when I was a smallish person, I would stop everything I was doing the moment I saw Kim Cattrall in a gymnasium setting. Only problem being, there are, like, four separate scenes that feature Kim Cattrall in a gymnasium setting. Yeah, I said, four (there's a shitload of gym in this movie).

On top of there being four separate Kim Cattrall-related gym scenes, there's an intolerance subplot and a child abuse subplot. Though, to be fair, these two subplots are kind of related, as they both involve Tim (Cyril O'Reilly), a rampant anti-Semite with a dick for a dad. So, as you can see, there's a lot of stuff to wade through to get to my favourite scene.

(Given that you have now seen Porky's from start to finish for the first time, the big question is: Is the Coach Brackett and Miss Honeywell locker room sex scene still your favourite scene?) After giving it much thought, I've decided... What am I talking about? Of course it's still my favourite scene. Did I mention that Kim Cattrall is fucked on a pile of dirty gym socks? I did? Good. Did I mention that she wears a blue skirt that's the size of a dish towel? No? Well, she totally does... wear a blue skirt that can't be bigger than a dish towel.

The coolest thing about watching the entire film is that I got to see the build up to Coach Brackett and Miss Honeywell's locker room tryst.

It all starts in the gymnasium of Angel Beach High - located in the swampy wilds of Florida (it's 1954, by the way), when Coach Warren (Doug McGrath) implies to Coach Brackett (Boyd Gaines) that Miss Honeywell (Kim Cattrall) is a demon in the sack. No, actually, he implies that she's like Lassie, and that if you take her up the boy's locker room, she'll have sex with you. Either way, Coach Brackett is curious to learn more about Miss Honeywell and her Lassie-complex.

Even though Coach Warren tries his best inform his co-worker that he's about to be taken on the vaginal ride of his life, Coach Brackett still doesn't seem to fully-comprehend the magnitude of the sex fiend he currently has access to.

If only there was a way to get her up to the boy's locker room. It's no secret, but Coach Brackett finally does manage to get Miss Honeywell up there. And when he does, the whole school's going to find out why Miss Honeywell is called "Lassie." I'm guessing she's called that because her moans, or, I should say, her howls of pleasure, are canine-like in their application.

While the sight of Coach Brackett fruitlessly attempting to stifle Miss Honeywell's howling mouth hole as he plowed into her silky smooth vagina hole with his erect penis is the only sane reason anyone would watch this movie more than once. I have to say, Doug McGrath's equally fruitless attempt to stifle his laughter as he listened to Miss Honeywell howl is just important to the scene's success.

In fact, the film's two funniest scenes both involve Doug McGrath failing miserably when it came to stifling his laughter. The first one, like I've already mentioned, involves him trying not to laugh when he hears Kim Cattrall being screwed upstairs. And the second one has him unsuccessfully trying not to laugh as he listens to Miss Balbricker (Nancy Parsons) explain to the school's prudish principal that she wants put out an all-points bulletin for the teenage boy-penis she saw (and grabbed onto for a spell) in the girl's shower.

Convinced that the wayward adolescent cock belongs to Tommy (Wyatt Knight), Miss Balbricker wants the principal to allow her to stage a sort of penis lineup. As you might expect, Miss Balbricker's emphatic plea comes off as funny to the male coaching staff.

However, there's actually more to Miss Balbricker's grievance than simply a fugitive pecker. Ridiculed, fat shamed and sexually humiliated throughout the film by Tommy, Miss Balbricker sees the penis in the shower incident as her last chance to give Tommy his comeuppance through conventional channels. Of course, it being 1954, no comeuppance is forthcoming. And white male privilege continues unabated... for a little while longer.

Someone clearly benefiting from white male privilege is Dan Monahan's Pee Wee, a short basketball player with a small penis. Wait a minute, small penis?!? The opening scene shows Pee Wee waking up with quite the pup tent. Sure, he's not sporting John Holmes-quality morning wood, but it's not exactly tiny either. What gives?

Desperate to get laid, Pee Wee begs his friends to let him attend a gang-bang party they plan on holding in a shack in the woods. Only problem being, the whole thing is a ruse, as his friends have hired a large black man to play the hooker's machete-wielding husband.

Hold on, why am I writing about the Pee Wee subplot? Other than the "Mike Hunt" crank call he makes to Wendy (Kaki Hunter), this Pee Wee guy is a bit of a bore. Oh, and he calls "Blubber McNeil" a "lard ass" during the famous shower peepshow/glory-hole scene. Hey, Pee Wee. Just because "Blubber McNeil" doesn't fit into your narrow view of feminine beauty, doesn't give you to right to call people hurtful names. I know, I just got finished stating that white male privilege basically gives you that right, and she was blocking your view, but what you did was totally uncool.

After the shower peepshow scene, a traumatized Miss Balbricker tries to convince the school's principal to take disciplinary action against Tommy (he inadvertently taunts Miss Balbricker with his tallywacker through a hole in the shower wall). When this scenes ends, the credits should begin to role. But they don't. What we get instead is a thirty minute plus sequence where the gang, including Billy (Mark Herrier) and Meat (Tony Ganios), plot their revenge against Porky Wallace (Chuck Mitchell), the owner of a bar/brothel named... Porky's.

When the gang first show up at Porky's in the early part of the film to get laid, it ends badly. Dunked in water, the thoroughly degraded gang slink back to Angel Beach with their tails beneath their legs. Well, not Mickey (Roger Wilson), who apparently goes back repeatedly, only to get his ass beat. Now, I used the word "apparently," because we never actually see Mickey get his ass beat. The lack of visual evidence regarding Mickey's many trips to Porky's is the film's biggest flaw. I mean, I had completely forgotten about Porky by the time the revenge subplot gets underway. Meaning, the film's final third is pretty much a colossal waste of time.

In fact, the only bright spot of the "Porky's"subplot was the brief shot of the three ladies Pee Wee and the boys were supposed to have sex with had they not been deceived by Porky. The brunette on the right in the black hold-up stockings was my favourite, in case you were wondering.

Despite there only being four, maybe five genuinely funny moments in the entire film, I can see how Porky's managed to inflame the imaginations (and the genitals) of countless sex-starved teenage boys back in the day. Personally, I prefer to get my  old school juvenile kicks from films like, Private School (mmm, Betsy Russell). Or better yet, My Tutor, Beach Girls, or pretty much anything else teen-related released by Crown International Pictures.