Vampire's Kiss (Robert Bierman, 1988)

According to the unofficial film criticism handbook, there are precisely two options you can choose when attempting to construct a review for Joseph Minion's Vampire's Kiss (a.k.a. Поцелуй вампира). The first, and most obvious one, involves feigning mock disbelief over the sheer zaniness of Nicolas Cage's performance as an unhinged yuppie named Peter Loew. Here's an example of what you might stumble across in a review of this type: "The film's biggest surprise comes in the form of Nicolas Cage, whose go for broke performance as mid-level literary agent Peter Loew is a thing of over the top beauty." While I would love to extol the many virtues of Nicolas Cage's "go for broke performance" (it's features Nic Cage at his most Nic... Cagey), I think option number two is more my style. What's that? I haven't said what option number two entails yet. Isn't it obvious? Oh, wait. I said number one is obvious, and both can't be obvious, can they? Actually, option number two is pretty obvious, but only if you're in any way familiar with how my brain works. If you are, then you know what I'm about to say next.

Option number two revolves around Stephen Chen, who plays "Fang Vendor," i.e. the man who sells Nicolas Cage his vampire fangs.

Now, you're probably thinking to yourself: How does one construct an entire film review around Stephen Chen's "Fang Vendor"? Well, you can't. In fact, no one can. That's because I'm kidding (despite my reputation for being ultra-serious, I like to kid around every once and awhile). Anyway, all kidding aside, option number two involves black stockings. I know, what a shocker.

With the exception of Maria Conchita Alonso, every female character who appears in this film wears black stockings. Hell, I bet even Debbie Rochon, who plays Bar Girl #2, is wearing black stockings, and I don't even think I saw her (she apparently appears somewhere in one of the nightclub scenes). But let's be realistic, no woman would be caught dead at a nightclub without black stockings attached to her legs... in 1988.

Nowadays, you're lucky if they're wearing shoes (part of me dies whenever I see someone at a nightclub wearing shorts and flip-flops).

You know what else the film is? It's a feminist allegory, or maybe it's an anti-feminist allegory? It's hard to say. The film is very schizophrenic that way. Nevertheless, keen observers will notice that Nicolas Cage rarely interacts with men in this film. His co-workers are women, his psychiatrist is a woman, his girlfriend is a woman... his "imaginary" vampire lover is a woman.

I don't know why I put the word imaginary in quotes, as it's clear that Rachel (Jennifer Beals) only exists inside Peter Loew's head. I guess part of me kind of wishes she was real. I mean, who doesn't want a biracial woman, whose legs, don't forget, are never not sheathed in black stockings, to come over every once and awhile to suck blood from your neck? Actually, now that I think about it, maybe it's not such a good idea after all. No, not the biracial woman in black stockings part (I'm in favour of both), the blood sucking part. It sounds painful. Of course, maybe pain is your thing.
   

It wasn't always like this. There once was a time, believe it or not, when Peter Loew dated women who simply wanted to have no-nonsense sexual intercourse at the end of the day. And one of these women, Jackie (Kasi Lemmons), seems quite taken with Peter Loew. So much so, that she agrees to go home with him. Unfortunately, the sexual intercourse they engage in when they get there is anything but no-nonsense. And, no, I'm not referring to speed in which Jackie removes her black stockings, I'm talking about the bat that flew into Peter's apartment as they were getting it on. Yeah, a bat. Talk about nonsense.

While most people would lose their wood during an incident like this, Peter tells his shrink, Dr. Glaser (Elizabeth Ashley), that he was turned on by the bat confrontation. She tries to tell him that his erection was simply a hold over from being with Jackie (residual hardness, if you will), but Peter quickly points out that his aroused state was strictly bat-based. In other words, it was a brand-new boner.

Meanwhile, at work, Peter is having a different problem all-together. You see, there's this contract that he can't seem find. Not wanting to waste anymore time looking for it himself (he's got stocking clad vampires to shag), he assigns a woman named Alva (Maria Conchita Alonso) to look for it instead. I think most of you will agree that this subplot probably shouldn't take too long to resolve itself.

So, did you hear? A mid-level literary agent finds bats to be a turn on. Isn't that crazy? I mean, talk about your... Wait a minute. It would seem that Alva is having trouble finding the contract. That's odd. Did she check the right file? (I wasn't gonna say anything, but it could have been misfiled.) Misfiled? How does someone misfile something? What could easier, it's all alphabetical. You just put it in the right file... according to alphabetical order. You know, A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z! Huh? That's all you have to do! I wanted to watch a movie about female vampires in black stockings, not one about misfiling.

To take his mind off the whole filing fiasco, Peter heads down to a nearby bar to unwind. There he meets Rachel, a sexy vampire. Of course, he doesn't know she's a vampire. But he gets a clue that she might be when she bites him on the neck during clothed coitus. The cool thing about Rachel, besides being a vampire, is that she never takes her stockings off. Her stockings, by the way, are like her heart, black as the night sky.

Now, granted, Jackie always wears stockings, too. But she takes hers off occasionally *gasp!* and she isn't a vampire... so, Peter literally ditches her. At an art gallery, no less. He tries to make it up to her, but the lure of a woman who never takes off her stockings is too much for Peter to ignore.

While Nicolas Cage, the cockroach scene, and the glut of black stockings have always gotten the bulk of the attention over the years, I think New York City is the real star of the show. Director Robert Bierman (a Brit) manages to make the city seem more alive than usual. Yeah, I realize that it being 1987-88 (the height of the city's power of as a cultural mecca - The Tunnel is featured in this movie, yo) has a lot to do with it. But I have to say, Vampire's Kiss is definitely up there with movies that make me love New York City.

On a sort of related note, I used to despise the modern, Bloomberg/Giuliani/Fallon corporate cesspool version of New York City (I blame  shows like, Girls, Friends and Sex and the City), but Broad City has softened my contempt for the place somewhat, the "St. Marks" episode in particular.

The Granny (Luca Bercovici, 1995)

It's hard to believe, but there once was a time when I was indifferent to elder abuse. Every other a week, it would seem, I'd be walking down the street and stumble upon an old person who looked like they had just been beaten, I'm assuming, by a loved one. Since I had less important things to do, I would usually step over their withered bodies with a casual elan and continue on my merry way. Well, that all changes today, for I have seen The Granny, the only film, at least to my knowledge, that takes elder abuse seriously. It's true, I still won't stop to help any of the injured seniors I come across during my daily travels (like I said, I got less important things to do), but I'll try to look at them in an empathetic manner as I step over them. You're probably thinking to yourself: Why are the elderly treated so shabbily by members of their own family? Given that I just watched The Granny, I'm easily the most qualified person to answer this question. That being said, I'll try to do so utilizing my trademark modesty. At any rate, it's quite simple, really. The reason old folks are constantly being fucked over by their so-called "loved ones" is because of money. You see, in order to get their grubby little mitts on the senior's money and/or property, they must die first. And in order to expedite this process, they start acting like total dicks.

Of course, some take the whole acting like total dicks thing a little too far, and end up trying to murder the senior they want to fleece. But this only happens on rare occasions, as it's difficult to enjoy your inheritance if you're serving a life sentence. No, what they usually do first is slowly degrade the senior's sense of self-worth over time. This typically involves putting them in a shitty senior's home on the outskirts of a pending lawsuit. If they can't manage to swing this (old people can be stubborn some times), they settle for head games and verbal abuse. If that doesn't work, that's when the beatings begin.

In this film, directed by Luca Bercovici (Rockula), the greedy family members decide that murder is the only way to get at grannies money. I know, I just got finished explaining how murder isn't to wisest course of action when it comes to collecting inheritance. But the granny at the center of this campy, and, at times, gory enterprise, doesn't seem to want to die.

In fact, she's so dead-set against being dead, that she orders a magic elixir. And, of course, said magic elixir is delivered to her door on the day her not-so loving family plan on putting poison in her soup.

Make sure to pay close attention to what Namon Ami (Luca Bercovici), a moderately hunky shaman/snake oil salesmen, is blathering about in the film's flashback cold opening. Taking place, oh, let's say, three hundred years ago, the flashback shows Mr. Ami scolding a family for not flowing his instructions before they let their daughter drink the magic elixir. Well, it's too late now, as their daughter (the luminous Janelle Paradee) just put dad in a scissor hold.

Any doubts that may have been plaguing me in regard to this movie's quality were washed away in an instant when the clearly possessed young woman tells dad: "I promise, I have no teeth down there," before plunging his head between her legs. Granted, the film could still suck pretty hard. But I was comforted by the early inclusion of vagina-based violence.

We're quickly whisked to modern times... Well, actually, the opening credits do drag on for a bit. So, I wouldn't say, "quickly whisked." Nevertheless, we're eventually whisked to modern times, and into the home of Anastasia "Granny" Gargoli (Stella Stevens), an old woman who lives in a giant house with Kelly (Shannon Whirry), her granddaughter, and Wolfgang, her cat.

My first impression of Kelly is that she looks like a porn star/pin-up trying to pass as a librarian. Now, I'm not saying this is a bad thing (I like porn stars, I like pin-ups). It's just that it didn't really make the scenes where her greedy and treacherous family members mock her for being nerdy and awkward seem authentic.

Since it's Thanksgiving, the family drops by for dinner. We have Uncle David (Brant von Hoffman), Albert (Sandy Helberg), Kelly's father, Andrea (Patricia Sturges), a milfy mink stole enthusiast, Antoinette (Heather Elizabeth Parkhurst), a bosomy and leggy brunette, Junior (Ryan Bollman), an unruly teen, and Amy (Samantha Hendricks), Albert and Andrea's youngest daughter.
  

Their collective attitude can be summed up by Andrea, who says, "I intend on staying drunk the entire weekend," upon entering Granny's home.

I liked how Andrea reminds Kelly to hang her coat on padded hanger not once, but twice. She might been a drunken hosebeast, but she treats her wardrobe with the utmost respect.

Remember Namon Ami? Yeah, the guy from the opening scene. Well, he just showed up at Granny's door. And does anyone want to guess what he has tucked underneath his coat? That's right, the magic elixir. Given her poor health, Granny has decided to go the magic elixir route in order to get better. Except, the magic elixir doesn't simply make you "better," it grants you immortality. That is, if you follow Mr. Ami's instructions correctly.

Hey, Mr. Ami. No wonder no one follows your instructions before taking your magic elixir, your presentation is so dull. Seriously, I nearly dozed off during your explanation regarding the instructions. All I heard was keep the elixir out of direct sunlight and make sure to perform a "cleansing ritual" before drinking it.

Speaking of drinking, as the family is eating prime rib together (would you look at that, Antoinette is giving Uncle David a foot-job underneath the dining room table), all eyes are on Granny as she is about to take a sip of soup. A common occurrence, to be sure (old people love soup), but little does she know, but her soup has been poisoned. Spooked by her family's eagerness for her eat her soup, Granny spits it out and tells her son Albert, "You're a load I should have swallowed." Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner. I don't think anything can top that line.

It's true, I did emit a faint laughing sound when Junior says, "Fuck you, Granny!" But the load I should have swallowed line is pure gold.

Poisoning her soup was apparently unnecessary, as Granny manages to off herself. Not one to follow simple instructions, Granny dies after drinking the tainted elixir (not only did she leave it in the sun, she didn't perform the cleansing ritual). Or does she? Die, that is.

Coming back to life as a spry demon, one without a hint of sciatica, Granny sets in motion a series of events specifically designed to inflict maximum discomfort on her family.

I don't know which event I liked better, the one where Andrea is gnawed to death by an army of rabid mink stoles or the one where Uncle David's penis is cut off with a pair of scissors. Hmm, that's a tough one. On the one hand, I love rabid mink stoles. But I do a soft spot for arterial spray, especially when it's cock-related. I don't know, I guess I'll declare it a draw for now.

Getting murdered by Granny doesn't mean you collect your check and start looking for other acting gigs. Uh-uh, when Granny kills you, you come back a demented freak. Anyway, as expected, Kelly is the last woman standing, and must shed her nerdy ways if she expects to defeat Granny and the demented freaks, who are currently participating in a bizarre dinner party.

Did I mention that Heather Elizabeth Parkhurst has huge tits? Let me see... Oh, yeah, I called her "bosomy" not so long ago. Well, in case you don't know, bosomy is another word to describe a woman with large breasts. And the breasts attached to Heather Elizabeth Parkhurst are definitely large (well, they used to be... a now blonde Miss Parkhurst was featured on a recent episode of Botched). In a way, that's all you really need to know about this movie... you know, if you're into that kind of thing. As for everyone else, if you like your horror campy and your seniors to be active, The Granny is a movie that may or may not satisfy your needs. Oh, and stop elder abuse and neglect. Old people are people too. [Special thanks to Sam Arshawsky for recommending this movie.]

The Heroic Trio (Johnnie To, 1993)

If you stumbled upon this review of The Heroic Trio hoping to read a long-winded tribute to either Michelle Yeoh and Anita Mui, I'm afraid you have come to the wrong place. No, this here, my friend, is Maggie Cheung country. Oh, Maggie Cheung in The Heroic Trio, let me count the ways. Of course, I don't mean to imply that Michelle and Anita are unworthy of praise. But let's get real, people. This is Maggie Cheung we're talking about. When she's not wearing goggles, she's wearing a headband. When she's not throwing sticks of dynamite from a moving motorcycle, she's gunning down henchmen with a M-60 machine gun. When she's not showing the tops of her stockings, she's... Wait a minute, Maggie Cheung is always showing the tops of her stockings. Now, when I first caught a glimpse of Maggie Chung's stockings in Johnnie To's The Heroic Trio, I thought to myself: Great. If I ever decide to do a review of this film, at least I'll have something to talk about. Then it dawned on me. Maybe I shouldn't write a review for this film. I mean, people might start to get the impression that I'm some kind of pervert, one who is obsessed with seeing the tops of actresses' stockings in pornographic and non-pornographic movies.

Then it dawned me... again. I will not let what others think undermine my unique brand of idiocy. Embrace your fetishes with the full force of your salubrious nimbus and shun the self-doubt feeding monsters that only exist to cause people to lose confidence in themselves.

It would seem, however, that this particular movie was giving me the impression that it was determined that I review it. Sure, the movie as a whole is basically nonsensical trash/fluff (babies fall on spikes, flying guillotines are used, kittens are rescued). That being said, the producers must have known that by having the tops of Maggie Cheung's stockings be visible from start to finish that I would have no choice but to review it.

Every once and awhile, I'll think to myself: Why can't there be more movies that feature characters who wear stockings in a manner that allows the viewer to clearly see the tops (and a hint of garter strap) for an extended period of time? Well, I'm happy to report that The Heroic Trio is the first film to do exactly that.

Again, though, and I'm probably going to have to bring this up about six or seven more times, while I appreciated the copious amount of Maggie Cheung-centric black stocking-adjacent thigh that I witnessed in this movie, I thought it could have been sleazier.

Of course, I'm not just saying this because I wanted to see more of  her black stocking-adjacent thighs, I genuinely thought that the film could have featured more Maggie Cheung. Seriously, every time she's onscreen, the film radiates life, vitality, passion and junk.

Her introduction scene, for example, is downright bad-ass. You would think she was  Sylvester Stallone in Cobra or David Bradley in Cyborg Cop 2 judging by the way she takes over a sticky hostage situation. Armed with a shotgun, a fist full of dynamite and enough moxie to fuel a forest fire, Maggie rides up on her motorcycle, shoots a couple of punks, blows some crap up and rescues the hostages. Done, and done.

Noticing how efficiently she handled the hostage-takers, the Chief of Police (Paul Chun), asks Thief Catcher (her character's name is THIEF CATCHER!!!! Ha! Ha! Ha! That is so.... Ahhh, that's so weirdly awesome), if she can track down his infant son, who was snatched from the hospital by Michelle Yeoh's Invisible Woman.

As the film gets underway, we quickly learn that at least eighteen babies have been snatched this way. The reason why is quite simple, the Evil Master (Shi-Kwan Yen) wants to find the next emperor of China. Anyway, since the police are having no such luck stopping this baby snatching epidemic, they look to Wonder Woman (Anita Mui) for help.

Her introduction scene, while not as bad-ass as Thief Catcher's, does, once and for all, prove that pre-handover Hong Kong cinema is vastly superior to all other types of cinema. I know I've said this before, but the amount cool ass shit they (HK filmmakers) manage to throw at the screen is unbelievable. Running across a row of power-lines (in slow-motion), Wonder Woman, whose secret identity is married to Inspector Lau (Damian Lau), ultimately fails to prevent the Invisible Woman from stealing the Chief of Police's baby.

While taking the baby to the Evil Master's underground lair, the Invisible Woman has a brief dust up with... Yes! It's Anthony Wong!!! Playing Lau, a mute kung-fu master who guards the entrance to the Evil Master's lair, Anthony Wong loses a finger during his fight with the Invisible Woman (who wasn't invisible, she took off her invisibility cloak). And, in true Anthony Wong fashion, he picks up his severed finger, smells it, then eats it. Yum.

Meanwhile, in another part of town, the cops are dealing with a sticky hostage situation. Wait, where have I heard this before? Oh, yeah, this is the scene where we're introduced to Maggie Cheung's Thief Catcher. Wearing goggles, knee-pads, a leather jacket, fishnet hose and a playful smirk, Thief Catcher crashes the party, Cybergoth-style, and blows away the hostage-takers with a shotgun and few sticks of dynamite. Excuse me for a second, I need to take a breather. I mean, just the mere thought of this scene gives me the vapors. It's got everything: Goggles, leather, fishnets, knee-pads, a motorcycle, and over the top cartoon violence.

Hold up. Why is Thief Catcher stealing a baby?!? I thought that was The Invisible Girl's schtick? From what I gleamed from the dialogue, apparently the Evil Master is not only an evil master, he's a master manipulator. In other words, he's managed to convince Thief Catcher to do his bidding... I think. The plot can be confusing at times.

It's true, you can't really see the tops of Maggie's stockings during her much ballyhooed introduction. But that all changes during the baby snatching/warehouse fight sequence, one that pits Wonder Woman against Thief Catcher and The Invisible Woman. It's stocking top city from this moment on, baby.

Eventually teaming up to fight the Evil Master, Thief Catcher, Wonder Woman and The Invisible Woman are, simply put, an inspiration to little girls and perverted grown men the world over.

Seeing three strong female superhero-type characters battle one another got me a thinking about a recent article I read about the lack of female-centric comic book movies being made in Hollywood. Sure, they mention Catwoman and Elektra (both disasters, critically and financially) as one of the main reasons, but look at this movie, it was made way back in 1993, and it's a thousand times more awesome than any superhero movie Hollywood has ever produced. (Even Guardians of the Galaxy?) Ugh, I saw that and I didn't remember a single thing from it afterward.

You could also blame Sucker Punch for this estrogen deficiency. Oh, and thanks to it, we'll probably never a see another film where stocking tops and goggles are so front and center. Fucking Sucker Punch, is there anything you haven't ruined?

Oh, well. As long as I keep coming across gems like, The Heroic Trio, my thirst for films that feature strong female characters who wear stockings, knee-pads and goggles will never go unquenched. Did I mention that the film's theme song by Anita Mui is catchy as fuck? No? Well, it totally is. In fact, it rocks so hard, that I wouldn't hesitate to add it to my hypothetical DJ playlist.