Desperate Women (Ned Morehead, 1985)

"Words all fail the magic prize. Nothing I can say when I'm in your thighs." This totally righteous passage from "Add It Up" by Violent Femmes–one of the most overplayed songs of the late 1980s and beyond–immediately springs to mind every time Taija Rae (nsfw) appears onscreen in Kim Christy's Desperate Women (a.k.a. Exzesse hinter Gittern), a women in prison with its hairy balls in the right place; and that place is slapping not-so gingerly against Sharon Mitchell's asshole as a direct result of some pretty pathetic pelvic thrusts. At any rate, getting back to Taija Rae and her robustly luscious thighs. I won't lie, I worship at the shapely altar of Taija Rae. Boasting an organic structure that contained more curves than a winding expressway, Taija was one of the few actresses in hardcore whose body had oomph; the others being: Lois Ayres (nsfw), Tanya Foxx (nsfw) and Shana McCullough (nsfw); when you mount them doggiestyle, there will be fleshy ripples. In fact, I'm so in tune with her body, I knew it was her just by looking at her stocking-ensnared ankles when they appear attached to a pair of pumps in the film's opening scene. Sure, her being the star of the film and all meant the chances  that they were her ankles were pretty good. But still, every inch of her mid-80s era body is tattooed on my brain. Oh, and the reason I say, "mid-80s era," is because she gradually lost her oomph as the 1980s progressed.

That being said, fans of Taija Rae when her body had oomph need not worry, as it's on full display in this movie. Though, not as much as I would have hoped. We'll get to that in a minute.

In the meantime, let's talk about what one needs to do to make the perfect women in prison film. Every women in prison film I've seen so far seems to be missing something. Even the best ones, I've noticed, could use a little something extra. And, with the exception of Bare Behind Bars, that exception usually involves a total lack of hardcore sex. As in, this women in prison film is doing a tremendous job scratching me where I itch, but I really could use some penetration shots right about now.

Okay, now, let's say you add these so-called "penetration shots" to your women in prison film. But what happens if you forget to add brutal violence and campy dialogue to the mix? Failing to include these key ingredients could severely hamper your attempt to make a successful women in prison flick.

Looking over the contents of Desperate Women, a man is stabbed, a woman is raped by two guards in the shower, and a pair of expensive pumps have their heels forcibly removed by a chick in a headband. In other words, it's got some violence. Not as much as I would normally like, but it's got some.

As for the campy dialogue. Well, you can forget about Taija Rae (who for some strange reason is credited as Taja Rea), as she's playing a naive reporter who desperately wants to retrieve the camera Aurora has stashed in her vagina (more on the hidden camera in a minute). Oh, and don't worry, the camera didn't have a telephoto lens. Anyway, naive reporters aren't known to exude camp.

Um, Sharon Mitchell talks with a Cuban accent. Campy! Cyndee Summers removes the heels from Taija Rae's shoes. I know, I already mentioned that, but you got to admit, that is some pretty campy ass shit.

And Tantala Ray fingers her... Hold up, I'm going have to stop myself for a minute. Tantala Ray?!? I'm sorry, I could have saved everyone a lot of time by just saying her name. What I mean is, when I posed the question: Does Desperate Women have campy dialogue? I should have just said: Tantala Ray, as this unruly hosebeast oozes camp from every pore.

She's so campy, Liberace would have taken one look at her and said: Honeychild, you need take it down a notch, mmm-mmm. (That sounds more like Little Richard, but I get your point.) I don't think you do. She's so campy, the women of Frank The Entertainer in a Basement Affair would have turned beet red with embarrassment at the sight her campy onslaught. (All right, we get it, she's the poster girl for campiness. And who in the right mind references Frank The Entertainer in a Basement Affair? I have this sudden urge to take a shower.)

Despite having camp appeal, mild violence and penetration shots, does Desperate Women succeed at being an effective slab of sleazy entertainment? Who's to say? Oh, wait, since I just watched the film, I guess I'm to say.

Well, the film, directed by Ned Morehead (hee hee), does have one of the best opening credits sequences ever. On top of the sight of Taija Rae's aforementioned ankles walking along a dark, smokey alleyway (just for the record, her feet do the actual walking, her ankles, while to integral the walking process, are just along for the ride), the opening credits feature black fishnet stockings, electro-friendly music throbbing on the soundtrack, fingerless gloves, and, most impressively, a mysterious figure wearing a bandana over his face, is spray painting the title of the film onto a large wall.

I don't want to sound ungrateful, but Taija Rae's skirt is way too long. I know, its length is probably appropriate given her occupation, but it could have shorter. That's all I'm going to say about the matter.

While doing a story on prostitution, Angela stumbles upon a hooker named China Grove (Aurora) just as she's plunging a knife in the neck of some guy. Whether this "some guy" was a drug dealer, a pimp or both, it doesn't matter, China Grove (whose short new wave hair style reminded me of a jet black version of the one LeeAnne Baker sports in Necropolis) is none too pleased when she finds out that her impromptu alleyway homicide was caught on camera.

Just as China Grove is grabbing Angela's camera away from her, a cop (Buck Adams) shows up. As the cop instructs both of them to get up against the wall, you'll notice that China Grove inserts Angela's camera into her pussy.

Frisking them, the cop lifts up China Grove's short black skirt, revealing a small pale ass that's good enough to eat. Since China Grove doesn't seem to object to this action (not that she has a choice), the cop proceeds to cram his face into the darkish realm that lays beyond her pale ass cheeks.

You can pretty much guess where things go from here. Though, as the cop stuffing his cock in and out of China Grove's pussy, she looks at Angela (who is standing awkwardly to the side as they fuck) and informs her that her camera is located somewhere around her navel right about now.

Without the camera, Angela can't prove that she didn't have anything to do with the murder China Grove committed, so both she and China Grove are sent to Sing Song Prison.

"Now you listen up and listen good, you miserable bitch," and with that line, we're introduced Tantala Ray's Sheeba, the horniest, most foul prison guard this side of Tucson, Arizona.

Sent to her cell, Angela, who is now wearing a denim work shirt (with, thankfully, no pants), meets Carla (Sharon Mitchell), her Cuban cell mate. (Did you say, Cuban?) Yep, Sharon Mitchell speaks with a Cuban accent. Seriously, is there anything Sharon Mitchell can't do? (Yeah, speak with a Cuban accent.) C'mon, it's not that bad. Either way, she's wearing bright yellow socks, and tells Angela she's in prison for overdue library books (yeah, right).

In order to make her feel more at home, Carla instigates some top bunk lesbianism with Angela. As Carla and Angela are getting to know each other (oooh, they're scissoring one another), Sheeba watches from her post in a position that is conducive to fingering. This is a dream come true, two of my favourite fuck stars dyking out while Tantala Ray: "The Susan Tyrrell of Porn" masturbates from the sidelines.

It gets even better when a male guard named Bailey (Jay Serling) shows up and starts ramming his cock into Sheeba's well-worn cubbyhole. What pleased me the most about this scene was the fact that they keep showing these close up shots of Tantala Ray's face. Personally, I love Tantala's face, but I can see how others might not be down with its uniqueness. And, as everyone knows, anything that causes perverts to not be able to jerk off in the manner they're accustomed makes me happy.

It wouldn't be a women in prison without a shower scene, and it's here where we meet Tattoo (Cyndee Summers), the chick who runs shit in this joint.

When China Grow sits on the desk of the warden (Nick Random), it reminded me of the way Christina Whitaker sits on the warden's desk in The Naked Cage. In fact, there are a ton of similarities between these two films. A sweet and innocent woman is framed by a career criminal with short, jet black hair. The prison's lead male guard wears aviator shades. And... Okay, that's all I can come up with at the moment. But, believe me, they're similar.

The biggest disappointment for me came when I realized that Taija Rae will only be appearing in two sex scenes. Hell, even Tantala Ray and Nick Random get two sex scenes. Anyway, Taija's second sex scene involves doing it with the prison Chaplin (Robert Bullock) on one of them church benches. (You mean a pew?) Yeah, one of those thingies. Now, I don't know why Taija's character agrees to fuck the Chaplin (as it doesn't lead to much of anything plot advancement-wise), but we do get to see Taija Rae's oomph-laden body undulating as a direct result of sexual activity. The way the flesh on her stomach jiggled was amazing; and to make things even more amazing, if you look carefully, it appears as if her tummy creases are smiling.

In a bizarre twist, Angela's pumps, the one's we saw in the opening scene, are the key to solving her China Grove problem. I won't say how exactly they solve this particular problem. But let's just say, it's pretty out there as far as bizarre twists go.

Let's see, did I forget anything? Oh, the shower rape scene with Sharon Mitchell, Tantala Ray and John Sterling is the film's best... after the Taija and Sharon lesbo scene, of course. The film would have been much improved had Taija Rae been given more sex scenes (she should been in every scene, if you ask me), if all the characters had worn lingerie (stockings, garter belts, etc.), and had the producers hired more extras (the prison seems to be the home of no more than five maybe six women).