Fantom Kiler 4 (Roman Nowicki, 2008)

As I sat down to watch Fantom Kiler 4, I made sure to check that my critical knives were properly sharpened before doing so. Feeling guilty over the fact that I had unnecessarily subjected myself to Fantom Kiler 2 and Fantom Kiler 3 (the first Fantom Kiler was a distant memory, as I had watched it more than fifty menstrual cycles ago), I was in a foul mood going into the fourth film in the Roman Nowicki-directed extreme erotic horror franchise. I know, you're thinking to yourself: Then why watch the fourth film if that's the way you feel? Well, you see, if I had stopped after the second film, that would have been all right. But once I made it through the third film, I felt contractually obligated to finish the series. And finish it I did. Call me misguided and sad, but I felt a weird sense of accomplishment when the end credits for part four began to roll. I would even go as far as to say that I bet the sensation you get after watching all four films in the Fantom Kiler series is similar to the sensation mountain climbers experience when they reach the top of Mount Everest. Am I serious? Let me ponder that for a minute. You know what? I am serious. Both are physically and mentally demanding. And both take a ton of skill and a shitload of daring. Oh, sure, Mount Everest is tad more dangerous (as the recent headlines can attest), but can a mountain give you an erection? That's right, it can't. And you wanna know why it can't? It boasts no leggy Polish or Czech chicks whatsoever. None. Nada. Zippo. Zilch. Have I checked? No, I have not checked. But trust me, there are no leggy Polish or Czech chicks to be found on Mount Everest.

(I guess you're going to tell me that Fantom Kiler 4 is replete with leggy Polish and Czech chicks, am I right?) You're not only right, you're correct too.

The real reason I slogged through Fantom Kiler 2 and Fantom Kiler 3 had nothing to do with being "contractually obligated" or even for the sense of accomplishment it would no doubt bring me. No, sir, the real reason had everything to do with the fact that Fantom Kiler 4 stars the one and only Hana Liska. As I watched the so-called actresses from the previous three films stink up the joint something fierce with their lack of charisma and their oiled up fake breasts, the thought that the beguiling Hana Liska would be coming along soon or later to teach these no talent hosebeasts a thing or two about screen presence gently buttered my aura with a sense of languid anticipation.

Just the mere thought that Hana Liska's unique brand of everything was about to kick me in the taint was what got me through the cinematic nightmare that was the experience of watching the first three chapters.

(Hold on, man, "unique brand of everything," what the hell does that mean?) If you remember what I wrote about Hana Liska's performance in Mark of the Whip, then you'll know that Hana Liska doesn't behave in an orthodox manner (she doesn't have an orthodox bone in her body). Whether she's walking, talking, sleeping, or just plain sitting still, Hana Liska puts her own unique twist on almost everything she does. In fact, I would go as far as to say that Hana Liska is unlike any human being who has ever lived.

You'll notice immediately that isn't your typical Fantom Kiler flick. How so? Well, for one thing, it starts off outside. I know, all the films in the series technically take place "outside," but this one really takes place outside. And get this, I can totally see the sky! Anyway, a prostitute named, oh, let's call her, Pani Piegi (Pavla Nicole), opens her leather coat to reveal that she is wearing nothing under it. Flashing her naked pussy at a punter named, oh, let's call him, Zbigniew (Andrej Krupa), Pani Piegi tells him that she's sure he can afford her.

Things get rough right from the get-go, as Zbigniew drags Pani Piegi into the woods and proceeds to insert his erect penis into her butthole. As he's about to do this, Pani Piegi tells him, "I don't do anal," to which Zbigniew quickly replies, "You do now." Oh, Zbigniew.

After suffocating Pani Piegi with a plastic bag and expelling lepki jizz all over her neck and face, Zbigniew pulls out his knife and prepares to cut off her labia (he wants it as a trophy), when, all of a sudden, Pani Piegi springs to life and proceeds to stomp the hell out of his patetyczny genitals.

Running after Pani Piegi, who has taken off into the woods, Zbigniew throws his knife at her. Barely missing her, Pani Piegi decides to throw the knife back. Hitting him in the hand at such a velocity that it causes him to become stuck to a tree, Pani Piegi is able to give Zbigniew a few knuckle sandwiches without fear of reprisals. Telling him that she's going to cut off his penis, Pani... (Wait, how can Pani Piegi cut off his penis? If she removes the knife from his hand, won't Zbigniew will be able to resist?) Ah, you didn't let me finish. You see, Pani Piegi has a surprise hidden in her rectum. Now, I don't know how Zbigniew wasn't able to feel this surprise when his erect penis was poking around in there five minutes earlier, but Pani Piegi pulls out a straight razor from her ass.

As Pani Piegi began to gingerly extract the straight razor from her not-so chocolate-coloured chocolate starfish, I started bouncing off the walls like a deranged mental patient who has just discovered the walls of their cell are padded. The sight of Pani Piegi using the straight razor she had hidden in her rectum to cut off Zbigniew's penis was the most awesome thing I've seen in years.

My advice to Pani Piegi: Take the straight razor, leave the severed penis. Tossing Zbigniew's penis in the bushes like the rape-facilitating piece of garbage that it is, Pani Piegi wanders off. Oh, and if you this is the last we're going to hear from Zbigniew's penis, think again. It will take more than getting sliced off and chucked in the bushes to keep Zbigniew's penis from exploring new and exciting vaginal, oral and anal passageways.

Trust me, what I just said will make sense in the coming moments. In the meantime, Pani Piegi is confronted by a faceless man dressed all in black in a corn field. Before you yawn, I should tell you, the faceless man in black is chasing Pani Piegi in a combine havester. When the faceless man knocks Pani Piegi unconscious, she dreams that she is being penetrated by a purple dildo that is being wielded by her girlfriend. In reality, though, the faceless man dressed in all black is raping her with an ear of corn.

Meanwhile, back in the woods, the cops find Zbigniew's dead body right where Pani Piegi left him. And you know what that means? Enter the gorgeous Inspector Sylvia Nowak (Hana Liska), Poland's best and leggiest lady detektyw. "Have you found his dick yet?," she asks the officers on the scene. As she's noticing something in the woods (a shadowy figure dressed in black), someone shoves Zbigniew's severed cock in her face.

While chatting with her boss, Barabara Rynkowska (Maria Vaslova), outside police headquarters, Inspector Nowak is told that Officer Stella Green (Dionne) can't be trusted with evidence, and, on top of that, she's a nymphomaniac.

(Oh, no, don't tell me, Officer Stella Green is in charge of Zbigniew's severed cock, isn't she?) Yep. When Officer Stella Green, who's in her office (dig the Soviet flag on the wall), holds Zbigniew's severed penis aloft in its evidence bag, she says, "Okay. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yes. Cut. Yes. Oh, you poor thing. So nice penis. Fuck." It was at this moment that I realized that Roman Nowicki's decision to have his actors speak English was the correct one. You see, in the previous chapters of the Fantom Kiler series, all the dialogue was a bizarre mishmash of Polish, Czech and Russian. But now every line is spoken in an endearing form of broken English.

Anyway, taking Zbigniew's severed "so nice penis" out of its evidence baggy, Officer Stella Green proceeds to examine it carefully. Removing her seksowny Polish police uniform, Officer Stella Green, whose eyeshadow matches her bra and panties, hops on her desk (which naturally has a bottle of J+B scotch on it) and starts to insert his severed penis into her vagina. While I thought the prop department could have probably done a better job finding a more realistic-looking severed penis, kudos to them, nonetheless, for at least making the part of the penis where it was severed to appear somewhat bloody.

While Hana Liska is definitely the sexiest, most alluring woman in the Fantom Kiler universe, Dionne is no slouch, as her body is amazing (all-natural, baby). Just down the hall, Barbara Rynkowska is scolding the painter who was hired to paint her office. Check this out, instead of painting, he was busy reading a pornographic magazine. After sending him packing, Barbara is confronted by the Fantom Kiler. Offering a simple solution to her problem, the Fantom Kiler removes Barbara's grey suit and uses her fake breasts as paint brushes. You heard right, her paint-covered fake breasts are being pressed against the wall of her office.

A similar scene takes place later on in the film when Kasia (Kate Blond), Inspector Nowak's BFF, catches a janitor sleeping on the job. Except, instead of using her breasts as a paintbrush, the Fantom Kiler employs her as a human mop. And anyone wanna guess where the Fantom Kiler shoves the mop handle? Anyone? Very good, Billy. He does insert the mop handle into her anus.

My favourite aspect about the booby paintbrush/human mop scenes are that they both start off with strong women bossing around meek men. The fact that both scenes eventually evolve into two of the most misogynistic sequences the franchise has ever produced didn't seem to bother me.

Stressed out... no, scratch that. Deeply disturbed by what happened to Officer Stella Green, Barbara and Kasia, Inspector Nowak is more determined than ever to catch the sadistic killer responsible for these heinous crimes.

She shouldn't, however, expect any help from her male peers, as Inspector Borak (Petr Sass) gives her nothing but grief (and a severe spanking with a red fly swatter). Well, he does advise to start wearing pyjamas as a way of preventing foreign objects from slipping into her pussy as she sleeps. Which I thought that was on the cusp of being helpful. But for most part, Inspector Nowak is all alone.

In the film's most effective scene in terms of atmosphere, Inspector Nowak is seen investigating a dark figure lurking in the middle of a field of dead sunflowers. I don't know how they managed to pull this off, but this scene looks like something you might find in a real horror movie. Leggily approaching the dark figure, Hana Liska, who is fully clothed(!), slowly walks toward it (the slit on her white skirt no doubt aiding her ability to walk slowly) with her gun drawn, and then she... Well, I don't want to ruin the surprise.

(Is the gun Hana L. uses in the sunflower scene the same gun that was in her vagina the night she discovered there was a gun in her vagina?) Probably. (Yay!)

A vast improvement over all the other films in every possible way you can imagine, Fantom Kiler 4 trumps its predecessors when it comes to camera angles, cinematography, acting, sets, and costumes. But most importantly, part four gives us a series of cleverly devised torture and murder sequences that will shock and amuse in equal measure; you have to admit, using a severed penis as a dildo is pretty freakin' hilarious. My only complaint has to do with the fact that none of the women wear stockings and that Hana Liska's pubic hair seems to change in-between scenes. So, in the future, be sure to add stockings to your costume designer's shopping list and make sure to keep tabs on the pubic hair of your actors.