Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders (Howard Ziehm, 1990)

Talking turds, racially diverse cosmic cheerleaders, jizz-laden vaginal slip 'n' slides, ape piss swept aside by starship windshield wipers, black stockings, big hair, giant transsexual cocks who walk and talk, well-shaped waitresses in white stockings, penis basketball (a.k.a. codball), thongs, dog men, octopi designed specifically for cunnilingual torture, grown men dressed like babies, and galaxy-wide impotence. Hey, Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders. What the fuck are you trying to doing, man? Don't play dumb, Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders. You nearly killed me. How, it says? Can you believe this movie? How? Very cute, Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders. It's not every day that you come across a movie that contains enough awesomeness to end your life. But I think it's safe to say, Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders is definitely one of those movies. Now, let me make myself clear, a movie that has the power to kill is a good thing. Normally, to enjoy a film like this, the awesome needs to be administered using short, controlled bursts. However, this film, directed Howard Ziehm, does no such thing, as it repeatedly throws everything I cherish and hold dear in my face. (Ha, ha! You "cherish" and "hold dear" having talking turds and giant cocks with legs thrown in your face.) What's your point? (Damn it! I forgot who was I dealing with. I mean, for a minute there, I thought you were someone with a normal level of self-respect.) No, no, I'm afraid I'm the kind of sick twist who enjoys riding down vaginal slides pre-moistened with cock slime, taking leisurely walks through dark and spooky rectal passageways, and listening to the craptastic sounds of Smokey Pile and the Constipations during enema season.

You know what was most impressive about Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders? (The poo costumes?) Nope. (The sheer amount of imagination on display at any given moment?) Uh-uh. (The fact that all Earth women wear black stockings with seams?) Negative. What was most impressive was that they didn't employ a Uranus joke until around the eight minute mark. That's right, the makers of this movie waited a full eight minutes to spring a "your anus" gag on us. (Wow, talk about self control.)

If I was in charge of writing this movie, I would have unleashed all my top shelf Uranus material within the first ten seconds. But, no, they waited. And, I have to say, I respect that.

What they didn't wait around for was the implementation of their first penis joke, as we get one right away when we see Flesh Gordon's penis-shaped spaceship in the opening scene. But then again, aren't all spaceships technically penis-shaped? (Yeah, but, this particular spaceship actually looks like a penis.) But then again, don't all spaceships actually look like penises? (Yeah, but, this spaceship has a shaft and a head just like a real penis.) But then again... Okay, let's stop this before things get out of hand. (Like a penis?) Yes, like a penis.

It turns out the penis-shaped spaceship we see in the opening sequence isn't really a spaceship, but a prop for the movie being made about the adventures of Flesh Gordon, a character loosely based on Flash Gordon. Played by the adequately dim Vince Murdocco, Flesh Gordon is playing himself in this movie.

Let's give it up for the fine thespians who portray the female crew members aboard Flesh's cock-shaped rocket-ship: Angelica Gordon as Rocket Girl 1, Liz Atkinson as Rocket Girl 2, and Theresa Galbraith as Rocket Girl 3.

While leaving the film studio, Flesh Gordon is accidentally run over by his leggy girlfriend Dale Ardor (Robyn Kelly) in her old-timey automobile; the cool thing about Earth in this movie is that everyone dresses like it's the 1940s, and Dale is wearing a blue 1940s-style dress.

(Excuse me. Yeah, before you continue, I have to ask: Did you really need to tell us that Flesh's girlfriend is "leggy"? I mean, Flesh Gordon wouldn't be caught dead with someone who wasn't leggy, now would he?) While you're absolutely right, Flesh wouldn't date a non-leggy woman. But still, I feel I owe it to my audience to point out legginess whenever I come across it. To not do so would cause panic in the streets. Of course, these so-called "streets" exist solely within the mucus-stained confines of my mind, so don't worry.

Just as Dale is about to come to Flesh's aide, an ambulance filled with cosmic cheerleaders arrives at the scene. Jumping out of the ambulance with the kind of gusto you would expect from a group of cosmic cheerleaders, Babs (Stevie-Lyn Ray), a blonde white chick in a pink thong, Candy Love (Sharon Rowley), a black-haired black chick in a teal thong, and  Sushi (Blaire Kashino), a black-haired Asian chick in a white thong, proceed to put Flesh on a stretcher and place a strange-looking helmet on him.

Realizing that something irregular is afoot, Dale tries to intervene, but gets a cosmic kick in the face for her troubles.

I don't know what I liked better, the sight of the cosmic cheerleaders constantly bending over or those oh-so brief moments when we could see the tops of Dale's black stockings. (Mmmm, Dale Ardor's black stocking tops.)

Ushering Flesh Gordon aboard their spaceship, the cosmic cheerleaders blast off into space. When a deeply concerned Dale arrives at the front door of Dr. Flexi Jerkoff (Tony Travis), he asks her, utilizing his mediocre Scottish accent: "What in Uranus are you doing here"? And just like that we have our first Uranus joke. Anyway, when Dale tells Dr. Jerkoff about the strange-looking helmet the cosmic cheerleaders put on Flesh, he immediately informs her that it's a mindfucker helmet.

As Dale and Dr. Jerkoff are taking off in his titty-shaped spaceship, one that is powered exclusively by copulating chickens, you'll no doubt notice the film's excellent use of miniatures.

"We don't want your money, we want your virility." And with that, we learn why the cosmic cheerleaders kidnapped Flesh Gordon. You see, their leggy leader, Robunda Hooters (Morgan Fox), wants to have sex with him. (Aren't they're any men on her planet to have sex with?) No, they're all impotent. It all started during a codball (penis basketball) game between Cosmic High and the team from the Frigid Kingdom. The players from Cosmic High were dominating the game, as their cods were fully erect and filled with enough vigor to fell a small tree. When all of a sudden, a man in a black cloak fires a laser at the Cosmic High players that causes their cods to become flaccid and useless. And ever since that day, impotence has reigned supreme at Cosmic High.

(What's so special about Flesh Gordon's junk?) It's simply, really. He has the virile force. In other words, his sexual organs are immune to impotence radiation.

On top of being leggy, Dale is an expert when it comes to plugging buttholes. Um, I think I should explain myself. Entering an assteroid belt, Dale and Dr. Jerkoff are inundated with the noxious gas emanating from the assteroid buttholes. When it becomes obvious that Dr. Jerkoff's aim when it comes to firing corks into the schwarzen assholes of unruly assteroids is just as awful as his Scottish accent, Dale takes over and manages to plug every butthole with relative ease. And it's a good thing, too, as all it would take would be a small spark to ignite the noxious butthole gas to destroy the assteroid belt and everything inside it, including Dr. Jerkoff and Dale.

Thanks to Dale's marksmanship, or, I should say, corksmenship... What's that? I shouldn't say that? Whatever. Either way, Dale manages to buy them enough time so that Dr. Jerkoff can send his titty-shaped ship into hyperspace, or, I should say, hyperchicken. What's that? I should say, "hyperchicken"? Well, ain't that a motherfuckin' relief.

Meanwhile, on the Frigid Planet, the Evil Presence (William Dennis Hunt) and his shock-haired mad scientist sidekick Master Bator (Bruce Scott) are planning to export impotence throughout the galaxy.

Since Dr. Jerkoff's titty-shaped spaceship runs on copulating chickens, the craft loses powers once they enter the atmosphere over Cosmic High. Using the ship's bra-shaped parachute to land, Dr. Jerkoff and Dale infiltrate Cosmic High and begin their search for Flesh Gordon, who is unwittingly participating in a cosmic orgy with three cosmic cheerleaders.

The film's cutting edge costume design really comes to the forefront when we enter the halls of Cosmic High. Designed by Lindsay Dow (The X-Files), the outfits are colourful and feature sharp, futuristic lines. The outfits worn by the two female students in the bathroom and the scrunchies that sit atop the heads of the cosmic cheerleaders themselves exemplify this outre temperament the best.

Whereas, on the Frigid Planet, the looks have a more sadomasochistic feel to them. The leggy female henchmen who work for the Evil Presence sport skimpy garments that have strategically-placed leather and PVC straps and cone-shaped skirts with a decidedly industrial vibe, while the men are basically leather-clad dogs.

I don't know 'bout you, but I think now is the perfect time to implement an impromptu mini-tribute to the women in charge of keeping the realm of the Evil Presence (a.k.a. Dick Cheese) free of outside agitators.

Sure, they're not very good at their jobs. But I think most people will agree, they do look fabulous.

I'm not sure which one is which (or even if they're right actresses), but Tanjah Iser and J.J. Benjamin, both credited as "Girl in Bathroom," get my vote for being the most fabulous.

Given that Flesh Gordon's cock in the only functioning cock in the universe, Dr. Jerkoff asks him to fuck one of the chickens in his spaceship's engine/incubator room. So, it would seem that Dale and Dr. Jerkoff manged to rescue Flesh Gordon from the clutches of those sex-starved cheerleaders Yeah, they rescued him. But Dale was kidnapped by the Evil Presence in the process. Damn.

You know what that means? (It's time to enjoy the sight of Dale chained to the wall of the Master Bator's lab in white lingerie?) True, it is time for that. In fact, as long as there's a breath in my body, there will always be time for that. But I was thinking it's time to launch yet another rescue mission. Standing in their way is the giant walking and talking cock who lives in the mammary mountain and has adopted a, let's just say, "alternative lifestyle," the milky jugs of the ladies in the G-Spot Cafe (check out the thighs on the waitress played Karen Palmer, hubba hubba)... (Only you would point out someone's thighs in a room full of women with huge tits dressed as slutty nurses.) ...and the shit-stained hospitality of the turd people.

While the film might seem perfect on paper, it does have one flaw. In a scene that takes place at the G-Spot Cafe, Flesh tells Robunda to keep her panties on. To which Robunda responds, "I don't wear panties." Yet, while walking through the rectum on their way to the home of the turd people moments later, Robunda instructs Dr. Jerkoff to keep his hands out of her panties while he's attempting to look for a flashlight (the rectum is dark). So, which is it? Is Robunda Hooters wearing panties or not? I would like to know. While this pantie anachronism left a bitter taste in my mouth, it didn't manage to ruin what was a pretty enjoyable experience overall. Pretty enjoyable?!? Fuck that noise, this movie rules!