Sunday, November 23, 2008

Reform School Girls (Tom DeSimone, 1986)

The sound of un-groomed carpet being vigorously munched may not have been audible, but you can bet your bottom dollar that many rugs were being cleaned in Reform School Girls (a.k.a. Naked Birds), a headstrong, bloomers optional women-in-prison flick with an insatiable appetite for new poon on Monday. The unsavoury splendour that greets us as we peak behind the doors of Dorm 14 at Pride More Juvenile Detention Centre was so pronounced, so aggravated, that even the most ardent of cock swallowers will end up turning to the dykeier side of the mattress. A robust cornucopia of supple, young flesh–a virtual who's who of shapely legs and taut midriffs, and a gang bang worthy mishmash of teased hair, spiky jewelry, and clingy night shirts–the film, directed by Tom DeSimone (Angel III: The Final Chapter and Hell Night) is a smouldering cauldron of womanly fury. The not-so intricate plot can basically be found amidst the contents of the film's three worded title: Troubled blonde (Linda Carol) gets sent to notorious reform school, much unpleasantness involving the other girls transpires upon her arrival.

However, it's the demented dialogue and its many outlandish performances, not the narrative, that elevate the tawdry proceedings from a ho-hum exploitation picture to a genuine slab of depraved satire; one that just happens to be rife with girl-on-girl face punching, cruelty towards stuffed bunnies, shower scenes (keep an eye out for Michelle Bauer from Café Flesh as "shower girl"), fanny branding, and farm work without pants.

The timbre of the cast can be pretty much broken down this way: Wendy O. Williams and Pat Ast rule the school, while everyone else struggles to keep up. Hell, even Sybil Danning couldn't compete with Wendy and Pat, who's best moment was when she gets hit in the head by an errant dinner roll.

The rambunctious Miss Williams, best known as the singer for punk band The Plasmatics, literally devours the screen as Charlie Chambliss, the toughest chick to ever commondere a school bus and crash it into water tower while wearing a leather thong. In fact, she's so bad ass, the cafeteria grub she eats doesn't even want to get chewed by the likes of her (food particles kept trying to escape her oral cavity the same way a sea cucumber expels its intestines when threatened).
Sporting nary a stitch of clothing (bikini bottoms, fingerless gloves and a stained bra), Wendy thrusts her meaty crotch in the general direction of anyone who dares look at her funny. Seriously, her performance was extremely vigorous. I mean, she was constantly grabbing and clawing at her shipshape organic structure like it was covered with invisible monkeys who just happen to be on fire.

If Wendy O. was over the top, then Pat Ast must have been looking down on the punk princess and laughing manically. Playing the sadistic Edna as if her life depended on it, the rotund actress stomps across the screen like a detestable beast. Spewing spiteful put-downs and barking orders with an tyrannical glee, Pat gives one of the most frighteningly amusing performances I have ever seen. Her insistent screaming of the of the phrase "Complete Control" caused my eyes to bulge with giddy disbelief.

On the sexy side of things (not that Wendy and Pat weren't able to induce a tingle here and there), Darcy DeMoss and Tiffany Helm prevailed when it came to providing the film's first-rate feminine eye candy. The two punky babes play key members of Charlie's clit-licking clique and can be seen sexily lurking in the background of almost every scene that features the incomparable Wendy.

In terms of conventional acting, I'd have to say I was most impressed with the work of Charlotte McGinnis as Pride More's guidance counselor. Reminding me physically of Sean Young, yet boasting the temperament of Desperate Living-era Mink Stole, Charlotte gave her character just the right amount of righteous indignation to make us believe she actually cared about the girls' well being.



  1. Yummers! I'm so glad to have come across this place. I had no clue you were on Blogger. It's been so long that I only remember the awesome RT page you had (which was my most frequented and favorite), and now this place looks downright tremendous, as expected.

    I'll be sure to keep myself returning for more. Missed ya!

  2. Hey, Ferguson, thanks for the kind words. I'm glad you like the new digs.

  3. Funny story about this movie...

    This one time, I saw this movie at this well-stocked video store (before Netflix, and before I discovered the legendary "Scarecrow Video" when I lived in Seattle), I saw a movie called "Delinquent School Girls."

    It was the kind of shlock you'd expect, but I enjoyed it for the usual nefarious reasons. Later on, I wanted to see it again, but for some reason, I thought it's name was "Reform School Girls," which the store also had, but when I looked at it, I could see it wasn't the same movie. So I wouldn't get it.

    I made this EXACT SAME MISTAKE like 4 times before finally figuring out I had the title wrong.

    Anyhow, I did eventually end up finding "Delinquent School Girls" again, but I never did get around to seeing "Reform School Girls". After reading what you say, I should get around to it it looks like.

  4. I love nefarious reasons! In fact, I'd say most of my reasoning nowadays is of a nefarious nature.

    Okay, now that I got that out of the way. I'm kinda surprised you haven't seen this flick. But then again, your confusion regarding the titles "Delinquent School Girls" and "Reform School Girls" is a pretty solid excuse. ;)

    Oh, and I just watched the trailer Delinquent School Girls on YouTube. I must see this movie.

  5. Yikes, those are some large knockers.

    Just found out that Delinquent School Girls is available on something called Psychotronica Collection 1.

  6. I love this movie. This is one of the few DVDs with really good commentary, because they are pretending to be serious while ragging on it at the same time.

    Another in the same vein. "Girl's Town" with Mamie van Doren. It is goofy and stupid. I have it as an old recording from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

    Great blog, BTW.

  7. Yeah, it was refreshing to hear a DVD commentary track where director spends most his time making fun of the movie.

    Oh, and thanks. :)

  8. Sherri Stoner (who plays the innocent who gets broken) was the figure model for Ariel in Disney's the Little Mermaid.