Nightdreams (Francis Delia, 1981)

One of my first experiences with public fornication was when I observed a member of the Belgian industrial group à;GRUMH... orally massage the band's drummer, who was, at the time, conveniently performing an unclothed handstand. This unexpected bit of acrobatic mouth-to-crotch resuscitation had a profound affect on my underdeveloped mind. In that, it corrupted my view of oral sex from that day forward. Now every time I see a film or back alley demonstration that involves head being given, I let out a fake yawn. Well, my friends, perverted and non-perverted, my days of insincere yawning are over, for I have just witnessed the tongue-based resplendence that is the cowgirl cunnilingus scene in Nightdreams, Francis Delia (a.k.a. F.X. Pope) and Stephen Sayadian's disturbing and surreal look into the sexual psyche of an overly lascivious housewife. Set to the electronic twang of Wall of Voodoo's version of the Johnny Cash classic, "Ring of Fire," the beautifully rustic sequence crackles with an unseen artistry. Every nook and cranny is explored with an aggravated brand of devotion, as the trio of campfire cowgirls feast on each others naughty fissures like they were ice cream covered sandwiches laced with liquefied self-assurance.

Now I don't know what exactly it was about this particular scene that changed my oral outlook. But whatever it was, feline-quality, clitoral grooming is now just swell with me.

The other scenes in Nightdreams ranged from unsettling to off-the-wall. Each exploring the depraved fantasies of Mrs. Van Houten (Dorothy LeMay) and featuring a twisted and playful approach to on-screen lovemaking. Though, I have to say, some of the fantasies were downright terrifying in nature. The scene where Miss LeMay's prickly beaver is repeatedly stabbed by the one-eyed meat cleaver owned by a demonic jack-in-the-box, for example, caused my junk to get up, give my houseplants a dirty look, and leave the room.

However, it's not all limp and unmanageable: the scene where Dorothy is admiring her lingerie in the bathroom was on the cusp of being erotic. Unfortunately, a fedora-wearing miscreant bursts into the room and insists on doing her doggie-style over the toilet.

Strangely, the most conventionally arousing scene that didn't involve the inspection of lingerie was the one where a box of Cream of Wheat receives gratifying fellatio from a hungry LeMay, while a saxophone-playing slice of bread frantically toots his horn by the stove. "It really fills a girl up. Nutritious and delicious. Eat it before it gets cold."

You probably noticed that I mentioned Dorothy LeMay a bunch of times in the words typed above. Well, that's because she's in every scene. Which is quite impressive when you think about it. I mean, one moment she's being double-teamed by a couple of hookah-smoking sheiks, and the next she's being poked by a two-pronged phallus in the depths of Hell (Michelle Bauer from Café Flesh watches while chained to the wall). I tell ya, that sounds like a lot of work. Seriously, Dorothy is excellent as the film's unhinged test subject (she's being studied by two research scientists). Her ability to be jizzed on without flinching is one thing, reciting brainsick dialogue with poise and grace is quite another.

The fact that Nightdreams sports money shots in Heaven and Hell only solidifies my opinion that Stephen Sayadian (credited here as Rinse Dream) is a demented genius. For someone to have been able to make iconoclastic films in the artistically bankrupt world of xxx features is a testament to his talent and conviction. Rinse Dream Forever!

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