A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (Jack Sholder, 1985)

If anyone can expose the hetero-erotic subtext that lies beneath the surface of A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge, it's me. Hey, what can I say? Uncovering Hollywood's super-secret heterosexual agenda is sort of my thing. (Um, I don't mean to cut you off while you're on a role, but don't you mean, homosexual agenda?) Why would I mean that? It's obvious to anyone with a brain that kinda functions that A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge is the gayest non-gay porn movie to come out of the 1980s. (Even gayer than Night Warning?) Way gayer. When I read that A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge had a reputation in some circles for being pretty gay, I thought to myself: I'll be the judge of that. Well, it took me maybe, oh, I don't know, two or three seconds to decide whether or not this film, directed by Jack Sholder (Crawlspace), was in fact the gayest thing since assless leather chaps. (So, is it mega-gay or what?) Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I made myself clear. Anyway, when a shirtless Mark Patton wakes covered in sweat after the opening dream sequence (a non-burnt Fred Krueger drives our dreaming hero over a cliff in a school bus), I threw up my hands and said: I give up! In other words, fasten your seat-belts, things are about to get fab-u-lous! *snap* That being said. I'm still going to do my darndest to uncover this film's murky heterosexual underbelly. After all, the film's female lead is played by none other than Kim Myers (State Park), and her freckled gorgeousness will not go unappreciated by this viewer.

Even though Kim Myers' Lisa Webber has got that alabaster skin thing going for her, and, not to mention, the shapeliest, creamiest legs in the entire tri-state area, Mark Patton's Jesse Walsh has not only got his gym teacher, Coach Schneider (Marshall Bell), trying to fix him up with Ron Grady (Robert Rusler), the school's hunkiest bad boy, but he's got this child killing burn victim in a crumpled fedora making a serious play for the ownership of his gay sex worthy organic structure.

You could say that Jesse and Grady were destined to be together. Nevertheless, Coach Schneider (a gay leather enthusiast/gay teen matchmaker), makes sure, just in case, by having them do push-ups and running laps together.

As for Fred Krueger (Robert Englund), the aforementioned child killing burn victim, his job is to make sure Lisa's pussy is sufficiently clam-jammed at all times. Meaning, whenever Lisa seems close to snagging herself a pristine piece of oh-so delicious boy-cunt, Fred would step in and deny her of her firm reward. And who do you think Jesse will turn to for comfort? That's right, he runs straight to Grady.

Sure, he would sometimes run straight to Ron's Place, the coolest gay industrial goth leather bar in town (despite the fact that Coach Schneider is a regular). But trust me, he would rather be with the man he loves.

Oh, Grady! Penetrate my freshman asshole with your thick cock underneath your brand-new Limahl poster.

While it's true that Jesse loves Grady. Don't underestimate Lisa's resolve. She's got a few tricks up her sleeve. What am I talking about? A few tricks? She could definitely fit more than a few tricks up her sleeve. (What on earth are you babbling about?) It being 1985 and all, the style of shirts Lisa likes to wear are pretty generous when it comes to material. So, if she wanted to shove some tricks up there, she could stuff a healthy amount.

If you don't remember what I wrote in my review for A Nightmare on Elm Street, that makes perfect sense, because I didn't write one. I was going to write one, but there was hardly anything in the film that struck my fancy. Don't get me wrong, it's a well-made film, but it's no A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge. Seriously, this movie rules. In fact, I'm gonna go ahead and declare it to be the best film in the Freddy franchise. It's true, I've only seen the original and Mahakaal (the Bollywood remake) so far. But I don't think any of them can touch Freddy's Revenge in terms of quality.

If you don't believe me. Check out the scene where Lisa tries to put the moves on Jesse in the change room at her backyard pool party. Not only does it feature twenty-something teenage girls frolicking pool-side to Bobby Orlando's "Whisper to a Scream," the gay tension in that change room is so thick, you could cut it with a beadazzled switchblade.

While it might seem that Fred Krueger has been reduced to playing Cupid to closeted LGBT youth, his motives are still sinister and shit. In other words, I wouldn't underestimate him. Tormenting Jesse Walsh, whose family just moved into the house featured in the first film, via his dreams... his sweaty homoerotic dreams, Fred hopes to take over the gay teens body, so that he can start killing teens in the real world. After asking him politely to use his body (Jesse says no), Fred resorts to demonic chicanery.

He may not be, to quote Grady, "mounting her nightly," but Jesse has an ally in the form of Lisa Webber, a classmate he drives to school in "The Deadly Dinosaur," the nickname of his 1966 Dodge Dart GT convertible. Actually, to call Lisa Webber an ally is a bit of an understatement. She not only finds the diary of the girl Fred hassled in the first film, she tells Jesse about Fred's origins as a child killing serial killer and eventually confronts Fred in a final girl-style showdown in a factory filled with steamy valves.

In a strange twist, the film is chock-full of dudes being butchered (okay, chock-full is somewhat of an exaggeration... two dudes and a couple of guys at the pool party are butchered). Nevertheless, it still manages have, like the first film did, a strong female heroine at its core. It's true, Lisa Webber is, thanks to screenwriter David Chaskin, surrounded by gayness (Jesse's late night trip to Don's Place looked like an outtake from Cruising), but she's not going to let the fact that her boyfriend is gay get in the way of preventing a knife-glove-wearing psychopath from consuming his soul.

Like I said earlier, I'm kinda new to the Freddy franchise. However, I must say, I thought A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge is not only better than all the Friday the 13th movies I've seen, it's one the best films of 1980s. Granted, a big reason I think this is because of the film's homoerotic subtext. But when you combine that with Kim Myers (who is hands down one of the most attractive/alluring final girls of all-time), Mark Patton (who gives a surprisingly strong performance) and some of the song choices ("Touch Me... All Night Long"), you can't deny its place in the pantheon of great '80s horror movies. Or maybe you can... what do I know?

Oh, and even though I don't think the words "dream" and "job" really go together, my "dream job" is to be the girl's archery teacher at the high school in this movie. If you look closely, you'll notice the girl's archery teacher is wearing, along with a pair of sunglasses, a green "Kill 'Em All... Let God Sort 'Em Out!" t-shirt. In other words, where do I sign up?

The Hidden (Jack Sholder, 1987)

A super-sexy and more lithe than usual Claudia Christian wields a Steyr AUG and a Mossberg 500 Bullpup whilst wearing a red thong near the middle portion of the totally kick ass 1980s sci-fi action thriller, The Hidden, a staple on Citytv in the early '90s. (Quirky fun-fact: Before television was ruined by infomercials and reality shows, some channels used to show movies.) Okay, now that I got that out of the way (for me to not mention Claudia Christian, her red thong ensnared butt-crack or the sweet ass guns she fires in this movie straight out of the gate would be tantamount to treason), let me quickly take care of some industrial music-based business. When one of the senator's body guards yells, "Back against the wall now!," I thought: Hmm, that sounds strangely familiar. Where have I heard that line before? Oh, who am I kidding? I knew the line was sampled in the Front Line Assembly track "No Limit," taken from their album "Gashed Senses and Crossfire," the instant I heard it uttered. And to think, my "friends" used to tell me there were no benefits to listening to electro-industrial music.

Show me any horror or action film made during the 1980s and I'll be able to identify which electro-industrial group sampled from it within five seconds of hearing it. Yeah, I know, it's a pretty impressive talent. Though, you have to wonder, if I'm so talented, how is it possible that I haven't gotten laid since Donald Igwebuike was kicking field goals, kick offs and extra points for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers? Weird.

Anyway, is this film, directed by Jack Sholder and written Jeff Kouf, a parody of '80s action movies?

In the film's opening chase sequence, a wanted criminal named Jack DeVries (Chris Mulkey), who just robbed a bank and is using a stolen black Ferrari as his getaway car, crashes it through a large pane of glass that was being carried across the street by two men. And get this, moments earlier, he crashes through some construction barriers. And to make the scene even more cliched, the construction workers frantically wave their hands in the air in a futile attempt to stop the out of control luxury sports car.

The fact that the construction workers dodged out of the way at the last minute is definitely cliched. But you'll notice that glass moving guys weren't so lucky. And as anyone who's well-acquainted with the crashing through the pane of glass gag will tell you, the guys (who are usually wearing jumpsuits) don't usually get hurt. Meaning, The Hidden is not ashamed to embrace '80s action movie cliches, but it's not afraid to ridicule them either.

Similar in the way the movie Dead Heat deftly combined the buddy cop movie with a zombie flick, The Hidden is a buddy cop movie crossed with a film about body snatching aliens who dig fast cars, adore trashy women and like to blast Concrete Blonde on their illegally obtained boomboxes.

After the aforementioned Jack DeVries is riddled with bullets and badly burned during a high speed pursuit through the streets of West Hollywood, the slug-like alien that is controlling DeVries decides to use the body of the patient lying in the bed next to him. Only problem being, the body belongs to Jonathan Miller (William Boyett),  a man with some serious gastrointestinal problems.

Since it's obvious "it" loves loud music and fast cars, it only makes sense that his first stop after leaving the hospital be a record store. Stuffing cassettes in his pockets with a reckless abandon, Mr. Miller seems somewhat out of place–you know, with him being a paunchy middle-aged man with serious gastrointestinal problems. Serious gastrointestinal problems or not, it doesn't stop him from beating the creeper-wearing record store clerk to death with his own club.

Meanwhile, back at police headquarters, Det. Tom Beck (Michael Nouri) is finishing up the paperwork for the DeVries case, when an F.B.I. agent named Lloyd Gallagher (Kyle MacLachlan) tells the detective that he's been assigned to help catch Jack DeVries. (Doesn't the F.B.I. know Jack DeVries is lying near death in the hospital?) Apparently not.

When Agent Gallagher rushes over to the hospital, it would seem that he's too late, as all he finds there is a dead Jack Devries. It would also seem that Agent Gallagher knows the thing that caused Jack DeVries go on his crime spree (he was mild-mannered family man two weeks ago) is still on the loose.

Figuring that the creature moved into the body of the patient next to him, Agent Gallagher sets his sights on Jonathan Miller. Of course, Tom Beck can't quite understand why Gallagher wants to track down Mr. Miller (he has no criminal record). In fact, from Tom Beck's perspective, none of this makes any sense.

However, when the bodies start piling up (Mr. Miller kills a few people at a Ferrari dealership), Tom Beck begins to think that Jack DeVries and Jonathan Miller might have been in cahoots. Mind you, he doesn't think they're being controlled by an intergalactic space slug, but he's getting there.

As luck would have it, one of the guys Mr. Miller kills at the Ferrari dealership happens to be a gun runner. And when Mr. Miller (using the address on his business card) goes to his office, he stumbles upon a cache of bullpup firearms.

Unfortunately, Mr. Miller's body is slowly becoming a terrible host. Hopping in his brand new red Ferrari, Mr. Miller heads the Harem Club to look for a new body.

Finally, we have Claudia Christian. Dancing on stage at the Harem Club, Claudia's Brenda Lee Van Buren might not know it yet, but her wondrous body has been selected to be the alien's next host.

Call me crazy, but I thought the outfits worn by Harem Club waitress staff were a tad on the skimpy side. (A tad?!?) Okay, they were whatever the opposite of a tad is. The point being, if I was a man who possessed genitals that were fully-functional, I would be down at the Harem Club ogling lingerie-clad goddesses and ordering Mai Tai's like a bandit every night.

The difference between what the women living on the so-called fringes of society wear on a day-to-day basis and what mainstream ladies are wearing is staggering.

The best example of this style variance can be found between the witness to the record store homicide, a.k.a. "Record Store Girl" (Jill Friedman),  and the woman who tells the alien to fuck off, a.k.a. "Rodeo Drive Girl" (Lenna Robinson).

While the Record Store Girl's ensemble is teeming with quirky flourishes, the Rodeo Drive Girl's outfit exudes nothing but staid conformity.

Just for the record, the Record Store Girl is wearing a white tutu, a black bomber jacket and black tights with white socks, and Rodeo Drive Girl is wearing a white shirt with green pants and a chunky belt.

Getting back to Claudia Christian for a minute: Since her character lives on the fringes of society, her wardrobe reflects this outsider status. Though, I thought the coin slot exposing nature of her dress was a bit much. I mean, it's fine to wear inside the Harem Club. But it isn't something to wear to the corner store. Or maybe I'm just being a prude.

Either way, the film's best moments are when Kyle MacLachlan and Michael Nouri go after Claudia Christian, who fires a Mossberg 500 Bullpup and a Steyr AUG at them during an extended chase sequence; one that culminates on the roof of a mannequin factory.

Speaking of guns, when the alien sets its sights on the body of a U.S. senator, we're treated to some excellent Uzi action. The great thing about the Uzi shoot out is that they're being used properly (in close quarters). And the people firing them, for the most part, employ obstacles as cover (most Uzi users in movies fire them wildly in wide open spaces).

Take special note when a cop, played by Law and Order's Richard Brooks, shows Kyle MacLachlan's character a flamethrower he seized during a recent bust, as it will make a significant second appearance later on in the film.

Oh, and did anyone else tear up at the end? I'm not saying I did or anything like that, I'm just asking a simple question. At any rate, I laughed, I might have cried, I saw Claudia Christian's butt-crack. Four stars.