Her Name Was Lisa (Roger Watkins, 1980)

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Breeders (Tim Kincaid, 1986)

Do virgins wear leopard-print skirts? Do virgins snort cocaine? Do virgins look like LeeAnne Baker? Breaking down the stereotypes of what constitutes a virgin in today's lackadaisical labiascape, Breeders is here to smash your preconceived notion of what female celibacy looks like. Yet, while it's doing all that, it also titillates, horrifies, and, most importantly, it entertains like a ten pound mothersbaugh. Cascading like a mucus-laden waterfall onto the crease-filled lower back of a dilapidated blonde, sci-fi horror/exploitation auteur extraordinaire Tim Kincaid (Bad Girls Dormitory, Mutant Hunt, Robot Holocaust, etc.) has decided to tackle the festering blight that is human reproduction. As an old-school Friend of Dorothy, Mr. Tim Kincaid (a.k.a. Joe Gage) views mating as that vulgar activity straight people like to engage in every so often. While he appreciates their tendency to make new gays, he finds the act itself to be obscene. Nowadays, though, that attitude has softened somewhat, as everyone, even Lance Bass and, N.P.H., seem to be using their sperm for reproductive purposes. But there are still those out there, the hardcore, the unflappably fabulous, who equate copulation with farm animals and white supremacists. And this film, made in, where else?, New York City circa 1986, encapsulates that anti-intercourse principle in the most succinct terms possible. Sure, on the surface, the film might seem like it's about a slimy alien life-form who collects virginal Manhattanites in order to mate with them. But having closely examined this film from every angle imaginable, it's obviously about much more than that. For starters, are there that many women in New York City who are still virgins? I doubt it. No, what Tim Kincaid has done is he's replaced the gay men–in other words, guys who rarely ever see the inside of a functioning vagina–with a bunch of straight women who have never seen the inside of a functioning cock–and by "inside," I'm referring to the seminal fluid it dispenses, not the blood and spongy tissue that keep the cock cock-like.
 

 

As far as theories go, that's probably one of the most intelligent things I have ever read. You think? Oh, yes. It's true, a mentally challenged unicorn could have figured out that a film called "Breeders," a film that was written and directed by the man who brought us Kansas City Trucking Co., El Paso Wrecking Corp. and L.A. Tool and Die, might possess a slightly negative stance when it comes to the subject of birthing and babies. However, you laid out your theory in a manner that was easy to digest. And for that, I salute you. Why, thank you. I appreciate that.
 

 

Even though I mentioned her right off the bat, it was hard for me not to go on a wordy tangent that lavished an insane amount of praise on the creamy shoulders of LeeAnne Baker, who plays Kathleen, the statuesque nurse who thinks something "spooky" is going on at the Manhattan hospital she works. Yeah, what was up with that? I mean, don't you usually start off your Tim Kincaid movie reviews with a creepy, yet mildly endearing tribute to LeeAnne Baker, the finest actress the video screen has ever seen? I guess. I don't know. It all depends on how big her part is. And in Breeders she's merely a supporting player.
 

 

The real star of Breeders, believe or not, is Tim Kincaid himself, as he has made, what I think, is his masterpiece. Teaming up with his go to makeup artist, Ed French, the guys who did the music for Mutant Hunt, Don Great and Thomas Milano (the so-called "theme from Mutant Hunt" is featured throughout this film), and his usual assortment of Tim Kincaid regulars, all the elements seem come together in this film.

One of those Tim Kincaid regulars I just alluded to appears in the opening scene as film's first victim. Getting out a taxi cab in disgust, Donna (Natalie O'Connell) turns toward the cab and starts yelling at her date. While I didn't quite catch every insult she hurled in his direction (he obviously did something to piss her off), I did hear her say something about a "second rate Italian restaurant." Either way, alone in a weird part of the city, with only her fishnet pantyhose to keep her warm, Donna finds herself in a precarious situation. Don't worry, though, a kindly old German man walking his dog will make sure she makes it home safely, or will he?

 

 

Just like the slit on her leopard-print skirt, kindly old German men are unpredictable. What the hell does that mean? Well, you see, when the wind hits the slit on Donna's leopard-print skirt, it causes it to flap haphazardly from side to side in a manner that can best be described as unpredictable.
 

 

I'm still not following. It would seem that the kindly old German man isn't as kindly as he initially lead on. Okay, I got it. Waking up in the hospital, Donna was apparently the victim of a bizarre rape; "bizarre" because her vagina was not filled to the brim with the sperm of a not-so kindly old German man, but with an organic matter of unknown origin. The doctor in her care, Dr. Gamble Pace (Teresa Farley), and the detective assigned to her case, Det. Dale Andriotti (Lance Lewman), are both at a loss. The doctor, who is wearing a white lab coat with a taupe skirt, is at a loss because she's never seen anything like this, and the detective, who is wearing a brown blazer, can't understand why Donna is having trouble remember anything about the attack.
 

 

Meanwhile, over in the fashion district, a slinky brunette is putting on a modeling clinic at a nearby loft. Posing in a variety of different bathing suits (my favourite being the black and white bikini), Karinsa (Frances Raines) is doing her best to make sure Gail (Amy Brentano), a fashion photographer, gets all the angles she needs; with a little help from Alec (Adriane Lee), a makeup artist, and Ted (Matt Mitler), a hair stylist.
 

 

It's one thing for me to believe that a woman who wears a leopard-print skirt with fishnet pantyhose is a virgin, it's another thing all together for me to believe that a fashion model who does cocaine and likes to do aerobics in the nude is a virgin as well. Oh, didn't I mention that Donna was a virgin before the attack? Well, she was. And so is Karinsa, a coked-up model/former gymnast from Wisconsin.
 

 

Popping a tape into her boombox, Karinsa snorts a couple of lines of her beloved cocaine and removes the blue bikini she was wearing when the photo shoot ended (Gail, Alec, and Ted have gone out for Thai food), and proceeds to stretch in the nude. Hey, look. Ted's back. How embarrassing. Covering herself up with a towel, Karinsa stands awkwardly to the side as Ted retrieves his wallet; oh, that Ted is a sly one, using the old forgotten wallet trick to get him a look-see at Karinsa's beautiful backside. Um, hello? Ted's a hair stylist who lives with his mother. Yeah, so, that doesn't mean he can't appreciate Frances Raine's rotund bum.

It doesn't look like Ted's in the mood to appreciate any ass today, as he has starts to convulse on the floor of Gail's studio. Looking on in horror, well, sort of, she looks more stunned than anything else, Karinsa finally begins to scream when blood starts erupting from his mouth and chest. And just like that, Karinsa is no longer in the presence of a wallet-forgetting hair stylist who lives with his mother, she is now face-to-face, at least I think it had a face, with a slimy creature covered in dark nipples.

 

 

Don't get me wrong, I love Frances Raines, she gorgeous to the max. And the deadpan style of acting that Teresa Farley is employing is, to put it mildly, off the charts in terms of being impassively matter-of-fact in a hospital setting. Oh, and I'm totally down with the leopard-print skirt-related antics of Natalie O'Connell; her New York accent is adorable. But we want LeeAnne Baker, and we want her now. Be patient. I'm sure she's gonna come along soon.
 

 

In the meantime. No! Fuck the meantime! We want LeeAnne Baker! You have given me no choice. What do we want? We want to see LeeAnne Baker's long legs encased in white stockings or pantyhose! When do we want it. Um, now? If it's not too much trouble. Fine. Towering over Dr. Gamble Pace on the roof of the hospital, Kathleen (LeeAnne Baker), a nurse who works at...yeah, yeah, she works at the hospital, get to the part where you tell us what she's wearing. Man, you're quite the...just do it! Wearing a dark coat over top her white nurses uniform, which includes a nurse's cap, a white shirt, a white skirt, white nylons, and a pair of white pumps, Kathleen tells Dr. Pace that she's afraid. Concerned about the recent spate of attacks on young women, Kathleen is clearly on edge.
 

 

In order to quell her fears, Dr. Pace tells Kathleen that she's a "big girl." In other words, stop being a baby and focus on the task at hand.
 

 

As Kathleen leaves the roof, we get a great shot of the back of LeeAnne Baker's white nylon-adorned legs in motion. Less importantly, we can't help but notice that the creature who attacked the leopard-print virgin and the coked-up virgin was lurking nearby as Kathleen and Gamble spoke. Since Donna (the leopard-print virgin) is still out of it, Dr. Pace and Det. Andriotti decide to interview Karinsa (the coked-up virgin). Unlike Donna, Karinsa remembers who attacked her. Yelling, "it was Ted," Karinsa's half-crazed outburst has given Det. Andriotti his first break in the case. But then again, most LeeAnne Baker fans probably didn't catch any of these plot developments, as they were probably too busy watching LeeAnne Baker, who was standing in the background for the duration of the scene. 
 

 

There's nothing to distract LeeAnne Baker fans in the upcoming scene, as Breeders becomes "The LeeAnne Baker Show" for the next ten or so minutes. If the sound of her white pumps hitting the pavement as she walked home wasn't exquisite enough, her walk gets its own music. As the music, which we'll call, "Kathleen's Walking Home Theme," plays while she walks, I could help but notice that she has one of the sexiest walks I have ever seen. Now, was her jaunt in white nylons as iconic as her black stockings stroll in Necropolis? Not quite. Nonetheless, LeeAnne Baker + Walking + Nylons = Cinematic Heaven.
 

 

After watching LeeAnne Baker walk in white nylons as seen from the front, the side, and the back, it's time to see them being taken off in a slow, deliberate fashion. Entering her kitchen, LeeAnne Baker/Kathleen grabs a giant pot from the fridge and places it on the counter. Having accomplished this feat with flying colours, LeeAnne Baker/Kathleen turns her attention to the removal of her nurse's uniform. And you what that means? We're about to find out what kind of hosiery she's wearing.
 

 

Removing her jacket first, then her nurse's hat, LeeAnne Baker/Kathleen pauses for a moment, before continuing to disrobe. Unfastening the buttons on her short sleeve nurse's shirt, LeeAnne Baker/Kathleen pauses yet again. It's obvious she senses something is wrong. Well, whatever it is, her skirt and nylons aren't going to remove themselves, so she rectifies this with an abrupt hiking motion.
 

 

And, if you ask me, it was a little too abrupt. In fact, it was so abrupt, that I didn't get a chance to see LeeAnne Baker's thighs being gripped by the tightness of her nylons.
 

 

Instead of getting angry about the abruptness of the hiking motion, I've decided to use my imagination. Okay, I'm imagining LeeAnne Baker. She's standing in her kitchen. The camera pans down to her feet (which still are adorned with white nylons and a pair of white pumps) to reveal a white skirt dropping to the floor around her ankles. Putting her right foot on top a chair, LeeAnne Baker proceeds to unattach, not before caressing her right legs with both hands, the suspenders that are keeping her white stockings up. After both stockings have been removed in this fashion, a naked LeeAnne Baker heads towards the bathroom.
 

 

Unlike the disrobing scene, LeeAnne Baker's artful profile filmed from every possible angle as she showers. Capturing her Lois Ayres-esque beauty in a manner that will satisfy even the most ardent of LeeAnne Baker fans, the soapy shower scene (lather those perky breasts, you svelte sex goddess), much like the kitchen scene, features many pauses. Does she have a reason to be skittish? I don't know, but LeeAnne Baker is now clean as whistle and sporting a towel.
 

 

Who am I kidding? You know something slimy and gross is coming her way. And I don't mean her boyfriend, Brett (Mark Legan), a real jackass who must have been standing on a milk crate when he stood next to the statuesque nurse wearing a towel, as there's no way he's taller than LeeAnne Baker; after all, she is, to quote Dr. Gamble Pace, "a big girl."
 

 

All women have something slimy and gross coming their way, and the six women, seven, if you include the bag lady (Rose Geffen), who appear in Breeders are no different. As expected, Gail, the photographer, and Alec, the makeup artist, are both visited by an alien sex fiend; the latter's encounter involves legginess (don't underestimate the intrinsic allure of a virginal makeup artist's gams) and the world's unluckiest rapist.

As the film goes underground (follow the red brick road), Breeders enters what I like to call, it's mucus pit phase. In other words, if you enjoyed watching adult female virgins wandering around naked, you're gonna love seeing them all together in a giant vat of mucus. And, yes, you know who is front and centre in the sticky nest. Actually, she was placed in the back of the giant vat. Remember kids, LeeAnne Baker is a big girl. Always place her at the back when filming a group of naked ladies writhing in a pit filled to the brim with mucus, as you don't want her to block the other women.

video uploaded by Yoko Rodriguez

Massacre in Dinosaur Valley (Michele Massimo Tarantini, 1985)

As I sit down to type words pertaining to my impromptu screening of Massacre in Dinosaur Valley, the Brazil-set jungle adventure film directed by an Italian, Michele Massimo Tarantini of Women in Fury fame, and starring an American, Michael something, the word "upskirt" is bouncing around inside my head like a superball. The reason being, I want to make sure that I remember it as I go forward with the word typing. It plays, as you will soon find out, a vital role when it comes to the film's overall distribution of enjoyment and other enjoyment-related products. You're joking, right? How could anyone forget to mention the word "upskirt"? I know, you'll probably come across millions of essays and dissertations that tackle this film that don't even bother to mention the film's flagrant upskirt abuse. But you have to remember, the people who wrote those articles are not normal. I, on the other hand, ooze normalcy. And not only that, I am able to spot upskirt abuse with my eyes closed. Upskirt abuse: What is it? And how does one spot it? Well, the former is easy, as it simply refers to the view you get when you look up a woman's skirt, or a man's skirt, or a skirt on a transwoman, for that matter (everyone wears skirts nowadays). Hence, the slapping together of the words "up," meaning something that is up as supposed to down, and "skirt," which is, to quote Lattis from The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra, a kind of "inverted cloth funnel." Okay, that solves the upskirt part of the equation. But what about the abuse? When does that occur? Discounting videos that are designed to cater directly to the upskirt community, I'd say upskirt abuse occurs somewhere around the third upskirt. Just the third? I thought you were gonna say, oh, something like, the sixth or the seventh. Oh, no. No, No, No. One upskirt is just that, one upskirt. Enjoy the view. Two upskirts is, well, that's probably an accident (or an "upskirtccident" as it isn't called). When you spot the third upskirt, you know something is up (no pun intended).
 

 

Somewhere out there a deeply flummoxed Michael Sopkiw (the American I alluded to earlier) is probably wondering to himself: Why on earth is this guy talking so much about upskirts? I mean, I wield a shotgun and have sex with Brazilian women, and not even in that order. Patience, Mr. Sopkiw, patience. I'll get to you in a moment. And besides, can't you see that I'm trying to make a point (one that could be viewed as salient) about the amount of upskirt abuse that takes place in this film.
 

 

Okay, where was I? Oh, yes. Something is definitely up when you spot a third upskirt. I'm curious, actually, I'm dying to know, how many upskirts are in Massacre in Dinosaur Valley? Are you sitting down? Oh, and before you sit down, make sure to cross your legs. You wouldn't want some pervert to catch a glimpse of your freshly laundered panties, now would you? But seriously, are you sitting down? All right, I counted a total of eleven upskirts. Eleven?!? You heard me, eleven. It's not even funny. Eleven. Are you sure about that? Let me see, one, two, three, four...yep, eleven.
 

 

How many upskirt shots does Star Wars have? I'll tell you how many: Zero. Okay. And how many upskirt shots does Massacre in Dinosaur Valley have? Say it with me: eleven. Yeah, but Princess Leia wears a gold bikini in the Return of the Jedi. Really? Well, how 'bout this, eleven.
 

 

Someone who, surprisingly, doesn't have a single upskirt moment in this film is Suzane Carvalho, the lead actress from Michele Massimo Tarantini's Women in Fury. Why's that? It's a simple matter of physics, really? Yeah, but you're a complete dumbass who knows nothing about physics. That's true. I am a dumbass. But I'm smart enough to know that even the most resourceful pervert is going to have trouble getting the upward view he or she desires when the subject's legs are in a post-crossed state. Sure, you could wait for them to be un-crossed. But look at you, you're sitting behind the subject. How are you supposed to get a glimpse of her panties from that angle? You can't. Unless you have partner who is willing to hold a mirror, you're not seeing any panties on this day.
 

 

Anyway, Eva Ibañez (the name of Suzane's character), the daughter of famed paleontologist Pedro Ibañez (Leonidas Bayer), who is sitting next to her on a hot, overcrowded bus traveling through rural Brazil, is minding her own business, when, all of a sudden, she notices that two passengers sitting behind her are scoping her legs, which, like I said, are firmly crossed. Realizing that they won't be catching a sneak of peek at her soaking wet crotch, thanks to her employment of the leg cross method of sitting and their overall proximity, she lets out a sly smirk.
 

 

Arriving at the hotel with her box intact, Eva and her father eventually go to their room. They would have had separate rooms were it not for Robbie (Roberto Roney), a fashion photographer, and his models Belinda (Susan Hahn), a vision in a blue dress, and the sultry Monica (Gloria Cristal), who ended up taking one of their rooms (they had reserved two rooms). Also arriving at the hotel is Kevin Hall (Michael Sopkiw), an American bone hunter (he collects dinosaur bones), who shows up on the back of a banana truck.
 

 

Who else is in this movie? Oh, yeah, a bickering couple, Betty Heinz (Marta Anderson, Bare Behind Bars), who looks like a demented Marilyn Monroe impersonator, and Captain Johnny (Milton Rodríguez), a grizzled veteran of the Second Indochina War, who we meet at a cock fight. A cock fight? Don't tell me, both birds die horrible deaths. Actually, the birds seemed fine. On the whole, I was surprised by the lack of animal cruelty in this film. Kudos to Mr. Tarantini for not killing animals in order to tell his story.
 

 

Hey, man, not killing animals is great and all, but what about those upskirts you were talking about earlier? Oh yeah, the upskirts. Well, five or six upskirts occur during a fashion shoot by the side of the road. Wow, five or six. In just one scene? That's right. Though, technically, you're going to have to watch the deleted scenes to see one of the film's best upskirt shots. It involves the gorgeous Susan Hahn–but then again, ninety percent of film's upskirt moments involve Susan Hahn–getting into the car, and it's a thing of beauty. I don't usually watch deleted scenes, but something compelled me to do so in this case. At any rate, a flurry of upskirts take place during the roadside photo shoot, as local models dressed a tribespeople poke at Belinda (black panties) and Monica (white panties) with their spears. And in doing so, create a...yep, flurry of upskirts (which amounts to something like, oh, let's say, five separate upskirts).
 

 

Upskirt six belongs to Monica. Now this is her last upskirt, so make sure you take the time to enjoy it. The situation surrounding its implementation is actually quite comical, as a drunk (Paul Sky) at the aforementioned cock fight grabs the bottom of Monica's dress and proceeds to lift it up with an untoward hiking motion. Taking exception with this bit of public molestation (the drunk is slobbering all over her miracle of Brazilian booty engineering), Kevin Hall steps in and throws the drunk into some tables. Only problem being, his decision to take exception with the drunk's lewd conduct has caused the drunk's musclebound brothers (Paolo Pacelli and Norton Kays) to take exception with Kevin's exception. Don't feel sorry for Kevin, though. Sure, the drunk's musclebound brothers beat the crap out of him, but was their misguided heroism rewarded with sexual intercourse with a Brazilian model at the end of the day? I don't think so.
 

 

As a result of machinations I don't feel like getting into, Kevin, Captain Johnny, Betty, Robbie, Belinda, Monica, Eva Ibañez, Professor Pedro, and their French pilot all hop abroad a plane to a remote corner of the jungle. Okay, I understand why Kevin and Professor Pedro want to go to "Dinosaur Valley," but why are the rest of them going? How 'bout this: Who gives a shit? That works for me. Crammed into the small plane like a bunch of sardines, the travelers busy themselves with various activities: Kevin eats a banana, Belinda and Monica brush their hair, and Eva and Betty exchange nasty looks.
 

 

Suddenly, the plane hits a patch of turbulence and starts to hurl toward the earth. As the dinky aircraft bounces around in the sky, so do the passengers. And no one more so than Belinda, who steps up to the upskirt plate to knock upskirt #7 and upskirt #8 out of the park (wee, I just used a baseball metaphor, woo-hoo! yay!). Struggling to remain in her seat, Belinda thrashes about like a rag doll, and in doing so, gives us two peeks up her light peach dress.
 

 

After they crash land, the survivors debate whether or not to stay with the plane. Having served three tours in 'Nam, Captain Johnny announces that he's in command, and that they're leaving. Trekking through the jungle to sound of techno pop, the survivors follow Captain Johnny, who says he's leading them to a river (don't blink or you might just miss upskirt #8 - Belinda flashes some internal skirt material while walking over a giant log). I'm telling you, this Johnny fella doesn't know what he's talking about it. I mean...Quiet. It looks like Belinda is having trouble with her shoes. Yes! It would seem that her heels are slowing her down. Say what you will about Captain Johnny's leadership skills, he sure knows how to cobble on the fly.
 

 

Sitting her down on a log, Captain Johnny grabs Belinda's shoe and proceeds to slice off the heel with his trusty machete.
 

 

Instructing her to take off her other shoe (it only makes sense to alter both of them), Belinda lifts up her leg and slips it off her foot. In doing so, she sets in motion the events that will lead to upskirt #10.
 

 

The sight of her white panties pressing tightly against her sweaty undercarriage causes Captain Johnny temporarily lose focus on the task at hand. Noticing that Johnny is starting to lose focus, Betty says, "Enjoying the view, Johnny boy?" Oh, that Betty. Her emasculation skills are first-rate.
 

 

After cutting her heels down to size, the group continue through the jungle, where they come across a bunch of heads on sticks, encounter snakes, leaches and piranhas, and engage in an epic power struggle; well, Kevin and Johnny engage in an epic power struggle, the rest just sort of watch from the sidelines.
 

 

Saving the best for last, upskirt eleven, that's right, eleven, occurs when the group comes across a pool of fresh water. Diving into the water with a reckless form of abandon, the survivors splash around for awhile before eventually taking a much needed rest. Uninterested in decorum, Belinda sits in a manner that allows the world to see how her panties are holding up. And by "world," I mean Johnny, who gets a second dose of Belinda's succulent drawers (lucky bastard).
 

 

Was I sad when Belinda was finally forced to remove her weatherbeaten light peach dress and her put through the ringer white panties? You could say that. However, I thought Susan Hahn's innate gorgeousness, no matter what she was, or, in most cases, wasn't wearing, managed to shine through the humid haze that is Massacre in Dinosaur Valley. Reminding me of Naomi Watts, Susan Hahn must have been a real trooper, as she is captured, re-captured, groped by a frizzy-haired lesbian, chased through the jungle, rescued by Michael Sopkiw (a shotgun wielding badass if I ever saw one), almost sacrificed to a dinosaur god, shot at by a slave trader with a beer gut (Andy Silas), and has her panties are leered at multiple times by a piggish Vietnam vet, and, not to mention, Carlito (Jonas Dalbecchi), a tubby fuck who drives the models to and from their photo shoots. Speaking of Carlito, make sure to check out the aforementioned deleted scenes on the Shriek Show DVD, as they help flesh out the characters, especially Carlito, a little more.