Body Melt (Philip Brophy, 1993)

What's with you people? Didn't I ask you some time ago to recommend movies to me that feature milfy women who wield syringes filled with iridescent liquid? Well, I just watched Body Melt. Anyone care to guess what transpires in the opening scene of this mucus-friendly film from Australia? That's right, an attractive woman of a certain age holds up a syringe that is clearly filled with an iridescent liquid of unknown origin. So, I ask again. What's with you people? I thought we had a deal. I write mildly entertaining reviews for cult movies (free of charge, mind you), and you inform me about the existence of movies that feature lithe forty-something chicks and iridescent goo. Anyway, if you search this site using the word "iridescent," there's a high chance the movies that come up will be awesome. And this one is no different in that regard. Sure, it looks like your average tale about an evil health spa who use the residents of a seemingly quiet cul de sac as test subjects for their new wonder drug. But it's got more to it than that. Wait a minute, I don't think there is actually more to it. Either way, people hallucinate, people experience organ failure and people melt. Fun is had by all. "Whether you be glad, sad or bad You've got to know that there's fun to be had..."

Did I mention a former scientist's inbred yet sexy daughter takes an Australian man of Italian decent to her special shag shack and eats his genitals while an exotic bird showers them with packing peanuts? No? Well, I should have. But, you know what they say, better late than never.

Just to let you know, I have no way to prove that Slab ate Sal Ciccone's genitals. However, judging by the crimson complexion of the blood coagulating around her mouth area after she exited her special shag shack, I'd say some of it was definitely crotch-related. Trust me, I have a sixth sense about these kind of things. Call it foreskin foresight, call it an offhand brand of testicular jurisprudence. Call it what you will. I know congealed dick blood when I see it.

Okay, now that we cleared that up, what do you say we methodically examine every scene that features an instance where a body melts?

Great, I'm glad you're on board. But first, let's talk about milfy scientists who appear in well-produced promotional videos for health spas.

The film opens with said milfy scientist, Shaan (Regina Gaigalas), injecting a fellow scientist, Ryan (Robert Simper), with a mysterious substance. Given that this so-called "substance" is bright green does not bode well for this Ryan fella, who is apparently dissatisfied with the work they're doing at Vimuville, a health spa/research lab located out in Yantabulla.

In case some of us didn't pick up on Ryan's dissatisfaction, we're shown him burning his Vimuville I.D. card before he drives off.

The reason Shaan doesn't seem worried that Ryan seems set on warning the residents of Pebbles Court in Homesville, Australia is because... That's right, she injected him with iridescent goo. Yay! Paying attention is awesome. As I was saying, Ryan wants to tell the residents of Peebles Court that the not-so fine folks at Vimuville have been using them as guinea pigs for their experimental drugs.

Unfortunately for Ryan, he only gets as far as the detergent aisle at the local Ampol station. Squeezing as much detergent into his mouth and neck wounds as he possibly can (you know, to stave off the melting process), Ryan actually does make it to Pebbles Court, but he's in no shape to warn anyone about anything. His body melts just as Gino Argento (Maurie Annese) and Sal Ciccone (Nick Polites) were about to embark on a road trip.

Unfazed by the sight of a man spewing mucus and other greenish liquids all over their driveway, Gino and Sal hit the road. Woo-hoo! Aussie road trip! No worries here we come!

The same goes for their neighbour,  Paul Matthews (William McInnes), a record exec, who heads to the airport in a similar unfazed fashion.

While I can't speak for the entire Noble family, it's obvious that Thompson Noble (Adrian Wright) and his son Brandon (Ben Geurens) don't seem all that shook up about the melting man in their next-door neighbour's driveway.

As for Brian (Brett Climo) and the very pregnant Cheryl Rand (Lisa McCune), the young couple who just moved in, it's hard to say what they think about the melting man, 'cause we haven't met them yet.

What I can say is this: All these people, including Mrs. Noble (Jillian Murphy) and her daughter Elloise (Amanda Douge), will soon feel the effects of Vimuville; which, in case you don't know, stands for: Visceral/Muscular Vitalization of Latent Libidinal Energy.

Since the empty bottle of pills found on Ryan had the Vimuville logo on it, the police make their way to–you guessed it–Vimuville.

It's too bad Gino and Sal didn't hear about the cops plan to head to Vimuville, they could have tagged along. That's right, Gino and Sal were driving to Vimuville, too. Instead, they end up getting sidetracked at a gas station run by a family of inbred freaks.

Or, I should say, a family of inbred, kangaroo adrenal gland-eating, porn-watching freaks and Slab (Anthea Davis), who, and I think most of you will agree, is one of the breathtaking, cranially-interesting women to ever walk the face of the earth.

Sure, the scarred woman, Kate (Suzi Dougherty), Paul Matthews meets at the airport is just as breathtaking. But she's not as cranially-interesting as Slab. Though, you could probably chop carrots on Kate's cheekbones, if you were so inclined. Okay, let me put it this way, Slab and Kate are both breathtaking and both have interesting craniums. However, I have to give Slab a slight edge in the boner department because she's a demon in the sack (don't believe me, just ask Sal's perforated ball-sack). All Kate seems interested in is stealing your ribs (she has an extensive rib collection).

It's true, I could go on forever debating with myself the pros and cons of dating women with interesting craniums. But I think I should wrap things up. And the best way to do so is to place Body Melt alongside other body horror classics such as, From Beyond, Brain Damage, Street Trash, Slime City and Rabid. Oh, and major kudos to writer-director Philip Brophy (Salt, Saliva, Sperm and Sweat). Not only did he make a sick movie, he made one with a techno score; the "Body Melt Theme" rules.