Invasion of the Love Drones (Jerome Hamlin, 1977)

I don't know why I was reluctant to tell you all about my date with Invasion of the Love Drones. After all, the film features a scene where a Love Drone–who is wearing, get this, black fishnet stockings and a black studded collar–masturbates by using two futuristic-looking vacuum tubes that boast irregular nozzles. If that weren't enough, the reason she's masturbating is to thwart a nuclear-tipped rocket that is headed her way. You see, in order to stop the nuclear-tipped rocket from destroying the Love Drone mother ship, Auto-Erotic (Alexandria) must have an orgasm. It would seem that her climax has the ability to blow nuclear-tipped rockets out of the sky. I know, pretty awesome, eh? So, why was I reluctant to admit that I took time out of my busy schedule to watch this sleazy slab of sci-fi pornography? Well, the reason I was reluctant has a lot to do with the fact that most of the performers don't fully commit their genitals to the sex scenes. It's true, we see many close-up shots of women's anuses whilst in the throes of vaginal intercourse, but I have a sneaking suspicion that all the anuses in this film belonged to the fabulous Bree Anthony (Claudia from Satan Was a Lady). Now, I have no way of proving that every anus was Bree Anthony's anus, but there was definitely some anal recycling going on in this film. And it annoys to think that five years after the birth of porno chic, a triple x production had the gall to try to limit the amount of lady buttholes I see in a motion picture. I mean, if you can't trust the makers of hardcore pornography, who can you trust?

Fraudulent rectums aside, Invasion of the Love Drones is a straight-up masterpiece. And it features a ton of actors I sort of recognized. I know, a straight-up masterpiece with recognizable actors? Talk about a win-win. It even opens with a Rod Sterling-esque introduction. "Welcome to... The Erogenous Zone."

The first recognizable actor being the film's male lead, Eric Edwards. You might remember him from Waterpower, he performs a backroom enema on Long Jeanne Silver. Anyway, did you know his penis has been inside Taija Rae? Well, it totally has. Many, many times in fact. What's this got to do anything, you say? Oh, nothing.

Why the aliens, who are currently orbiting the planet Earth in their penis-shaped spaceship (just once I'd like see an erotic sci-fi film bypass the whole penis-shaped spaceship gag), chose Eric Edwards to be their first Drone is never really explained. Or maybe it was and I just wasn't paying attention. Either way, they beam him abroad their ship.

Naked and confused, Eric Edwards is told (by a female voice emanating from a red light located in the middle of what looks like a giant disco ball) to have sex with two Pornovisions (Arlana Blue and Lorraine Alraune). Don't ask me what a "Pornovision" is, I'm just copying what it says in the credits. Actually, I think the Pornovisions were created in order to entice Eric Edwards to have sex with them and in turn become a Drone.

The huge afros, the freaky shades, the black and white armwear, the habit of performing interpretive dance, the gold-studded belts, the Pornovisions are quite the sight to behold.

You can tell there's something different about Eric Edwards after he ejaculates in the mouth of one of the Pornovisions just by listening to the sound of his voice, which has developed a robotic, almost monotone register.

Returned to his bathroom in Queens, Eric Edwards, who is actually a guy named George, tells his wife Joanne (Joann Sterling), a top-heavy redhead, in his new robot voice, that he wants to have sex. When you have sex with a Love Drone you yourself become a Love Drone. And, you guessed it, Joanne is now speaking with a robot voice.

Since he can't go around having sex with random strangers (at least not yet), George heads to a clinic where Dr. Debra Femme (Viveca Ash) and her assistant Andrea (Michelle Magazine), two leggy lab coat enthusiasts, are conducting sex research. Volunteering to be a test subject, George is paired with a woman named Janet (Any Mathieu) and the two of them have sex. It's during this sex scene that we get our first glimpse of Bree Anthony's anus in action. The lighting and the thrusting speed didn't match at all (in the wide shots, Any is doing the bulk of the humping, whereas, during the close-ups, the man is doing the lion's share of the fuck work). In other words, that wasn't Any Mathieu's anus in the throes of love making.

One way to spot a Love Drone, besides their tendency to speak in a robot voice, is to listen for the phrase "okee dokee." If you hear this, then you know you're in the company of a Love Drone.

As George is out making new Love Drones, his wife Joanne is out doing the same. Showing up a photographer's apartment to get her picture taken (she's model of some kind), Joanne "drones" a photographer played by Alex Mann. I must say, if watching Alex Mann movies was a skill, I would be... well, to be honest, I don't know what I would be. Let's just say, by adding this film to the mix, I've seen a total of four Alex Mann movies. Just to remind you, the others are: Malibu High, I Drink Your Blood and Satan Was a Lady.

It should go without saying, but whenever I see Alex Mann's name in the credits, I know the film is going to be good.

In order to absorb all the sexual energy emanating from Earth, the Love Drones unleash two Sex Servos (Bree Anthony and Tony Richards), who begin to have sex. This scene, by the way, is the only "real"sex scene in the movie, as the rest are simulated. Actually, that's not entirely true, the scene with Eric Edwards and the Pornovisions was definitely real. But other than that... Of course, I don't mean to imply that sexual intercourse between a man and a woman is the only sex I consider to be "real." It's just that Bree Anthony and Tony Richards are the only performers who seemed willing to fuck on camera.

Hence, the reason Bree's chocolate starfish makes several appearances throughout the film and the reason the sex scene between Bree and Tony on the floor of the Love Drone spaceship lasts until the end of the film. Let me better explain the latter. Each leg of their sexual journey is gradually unveiled as the film progress. For example, after Molly (Dusty Evsky), who uses Bree's anus as well, "drones" Frank (Levi Richards), an F.B.I. agent, on her couch, we're whisked aboard the Love Drone spaceship to watch the Sex Servos engage in the oral presentation of their act of deep space copulation.

F.B.I. agents, chicks named "Molly"? It would seem that the Love Drones are quickly taking over.

Yeah, the F.B.I. get involved at the behest of Dr. Femme, who is convinced aliens are trying to take over the world. When Agent Frank fails to uncover an alien plot, the F.B.I. chief sends Agent Rona (Jennifer Jordan from The Tiffany Mynx and A Woman's Torment) to investigate a sex party happening at Club de Vie. This, of course, just leads to Agent Rona being turned into a Love Drone. She tries to escape, by Alex Mann and a gang of Love Drones overpower her and gang drone her on a chess table.

Since the F.B.I. are no help, Dr. Femme hatches plan--with zero help from her assistant Andrea (who sort of just sits there with the clueless expression on her face)--to stop the Love Drones by infecting the Love Drones with a venereal disease. She figures since the Love Drones are a collective, she reckons that all she has to do is infect one and the rest should follow. Only problem, where to find one? That's easy, just locate a man with a monotone voice, have sex with him, and then inject him with the virus as he's about to climax. Drone, and drone.

(Wait a minute, what if the man Dr. Femme has sex with in not a Love Drone, but some random dude who just happens to speak in a monotone voice?) Huh, I didn't think about that. Well, the first guy Dr. Femme approaches on the street is played by Kevin Andre, a.k.a. the car salesmen from Teenage Hitchhikers.

Oh, and in order to come off as more appealing to the men of New York City, Dr. Femme puts away her lab coat and dons a mini-skirt and a pair of knee-high boots.

You would think a film like this, one with a limited budget, would have trouble depicting a planetary invasion convincingly. But the film does a surprisingly excellent job making it seem the world is about to overrun with sex-obsessed Love Drones. We get a shot of George, Rona and Joanne heading to the airport, Jerry Jerome plays various newscasters from around the globe (U.K., France, West Germany and India), and authentic footage of a rocket being launched into space is used at one point. All these things helped give the proceedings a real sense of urgency. Meaning, if Dr. Femme doesn't infect a Love Drone with V.D., and quick, the world is doomed.

As I implied earlier, the nuclear-tipped rocket is thwarted by Auto-Erotic (Alexandria), who masturbates (in black fishnet stockings with seams) with a pair of vacuum hoses with bell-shaped metallic tips.

When Jamie Gillis shows up as the leader of a group of Love Drones, I was sure he was going to fuck something. But when he doesn't, I was like: Huh, Jamie Gillis is not fucking anything. How strange. Instead, he just sits there asking his fellow Love Drones: "Are we one?" over and over again.

If everything I've described so far still sounds unappealing to you, just sit back and enjoy the synthy goodness that is the film's soundtrack. Seriously, the music in this movie rules. The music used when Bree Anthony is being mounted missionary style in particular is fucking awesome, as deep, sinister-sounding synth flourishes fill the air as Bree's real pussy is filled with drug-free 1970s cock.