Fantom Seducer 1 + 2 (Roman Nowicki, 2005)

Tired of making holes with his trusty blade, the Fantom Kiler has decided to start filling holes that already exist. Except, what's the point of stabbing a hole that already exists with a knife? Exactly, there isn't one. Here's a free piece of advice, why not try filling these holes with something else. What a novel idea. But what to fill them with? Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I bet you are. Let's all say it at once, shall we? Are you ready? On the count of three. 1, 2, 3, Polish penis! Yay! That's right, Polish penis: Being thoughtfully stuffed into Polish pussy and other orifices since the glorious birth of Polska. I know, some of the cocks are Czech and a good chuck of the cunts are Czech too. But what can I say? I like the way "Polish penis" rolls off my tongue. In the Fantom Seducer 1 + 2, all the knives have been replaced with cocks. While this sounds like a simple transition on paper. I mean, all you really need to do is put the knives back in the drawer and hire men with cocks. It's actually a little more complicated than that. You see, your average knife is super-duper dependable (rain or shine, it will always be there for you). The penis/cock, on the other hand, whether it be Polish or Czech, it doesn't matter, can be a tad erratic when it comes to delivering the goods. (So, what you saying is, these fleshy protuberances aren't reliable?) Right. And since Roman Nowicki (Fantom Kiler, Fantom Kiler 2, Fantom Kiler 3, Fantom Kiler 4 and Mark of the Whip), as far as I know, hasn't worked with real live cocks before, this could make for a sticky situation. Luckily for him, the spunk flows freely throughout this epic tale about morality, luck... and gruesome-looking purple dildos.

In case you're wondering why I'm lumping Fantom Seducer 1 and Fantom Seducer 2 together as one review, it's because they were basically shot over the course of the same weekend. In other words, they're like Party Doll A Go-Go! Part 1 and Part 2 and The Devil Miss in Jones 3 and 4, except Fantom Seducer 1 + 2 are nowhere near as awesome. Hence they're being lumped together. The other reason is because I don't feel like writing two separate reviews. Truth be told, there were times I didn't even feel like writing one review. However, as with most of Roman Nowicki's work, my demenour can go from being severely annoyed to excessively giddy in the blink of an eye. And judging by the goofy look on my face as part two came to a close, it would seem that the excessively giddy demenour won out in the end.

If you experience some mild déjà vu as the film gets underway, you're not alone. Eerily similar to the opening of the original Fantom Kiler, Fantom Seducer 1 begins with a tall, slender woman standing in a railway station. Taking on her phone, Ursula Novak (Sandra Kay) is minding her own business, when, out of the corner of her eye, she notices two janitors watching her. And just like in Fantom Kiler, the janitors are making lewd comments to each other about the lanky brunette. A candidate for The Morality Party, Ursula approaches the janitors, who both have English accents, and tells them to get their dicks out.

As she's being pounded in the ass and slurping on a half-hard penis like it were a skin-flavoured chew toy, a third custodian enters the fray and introduces his cock to one of her readymade holes with an inelegant thrusting motion. When all is said and done, she gets doused in the face with three helpings of lukewarm jizz. Or does she? (What do you mean? Her face is covered with the stuff.) No, it would seem that what we just watched was a dream. In reality, Ursula approaches the janitors and asks them directions. As she walks away, she slips and falls. Of course, the intensity of the fall causes a bucket to land on her head and the buttons on her fake Chanel suit to become unbuttoned.

To the surprise of virtually no one, Ursula ends up wandering through the woods at night in a confused daze. Since wandering through the woods at night in a confused daze with your clothes on goes against everything these films stand for, Ursula removes her clothing. Did you just ask why? Well, if you must know, she did so in order to ease the masturbation process. Stumbling upon a couple having sex in the woods, Ursula takes off her suit, gets down on her hands and knees, and begins pawing at her ass and genitals.

While the man's penis is slipping in and out of the woman's vagina, which is adorned with a faint Hitler mustache, I couldn't help but notice that the woman being penetrated would occasionally look directly at Ursula and throw her a sly grin. I wonder if this sly grin is going to pay off somewhere down the road? It's almost as if the sly grin peddler knows something we don't know. Anyway, after having all her hollow places sufficiently violated, the man unloads his wad in her face.

Backing away from the scene, Ursula is shocked to discover that her clothes are missing. Wandering the woods in nothing but a pair of black heels, the freckled brunette eventually comes face to face with a dark figure. (You mean, the "Fantom Seducer"?) Probably. Speaking in a manner that was so deep and gravelly that it needed to be subtitled (a wise decision on the part of the filmmakers), the dark figure tells Ursula that her body burns with desire. (Isn't Ursula a member of the Morality Party?) She is, but even she can't refuse a free helping of fantom cock. The ripe dicking she receives this time isn't the figment of a janitor's imagination, it's all too real.

Suddenly, without warning, Ursula finds herself back at the railway station. Unfortunately, she's naked on all fours, is covered in fantom jizz, and has baton sticking out of her ass. What sort of black magic is this? Whatever it is, Ursula can forget about being the candidate for The Morality Party, as her lewd railway station antics are front page news.

In case we didn't get it, we're shown a similar scenario during the next scene. This time it's a buxom blonde named Laura (Anatasia Christ) who gets fucked in the woods by a dark stranger only to find her cum-stained naked body back at the railway station when the deed is done.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that all this weirdness has something to do with that janitor with the glasses. He did, after all, rub his chin a menacing manner when Ursula left the railway station.

After we endure a montage that features a female janitor named Carla (Stacey Silver) mopping up the railway station, we find out how life is treating Ursula post the baton in the butt incident. And judging by the way she's begging men to pay her money to have sex with her on the station's platform, she's definitely hit rock bottom.

Convinced that the janitor is behind all these strange occurrences, Ursula confronts him in his office with a gun. Except, instead of shooting him, she decides to stab him to death. The end? It's a good thing I watched part two immediately after finishing part one, because the suspense would have been too much for me to take. I mean, I was dying to know what happened to Ursula after she killed the janitor.

Well, it would seem that Ursula is now the railway station janitor. Mopping the floor in what looks like a brand new skirt, Ursula is confronted by her boss (Sarah Blu), who gets all up in her grill. (Does she suspect that Ursula is the one responsible for the janitor's disappearance?) Who's to say? All I know is, Sarah Blu is totally reading her lines off cue cards. (How can you tell?) How can I tell?!? It's obvious they're being held off to the side, as Sarah keeps looking...off to the side. (Um, shouldn't you be talking about the lesbian sex scene that Sarah Blu and Sandra Kay partake in?) Nah, I think most of you will agree that Sarah Blu cue card-assisted acting style is much more interesting.

Just like in the first chapter, a woman wanders the woods in a fake Chanel suit. Only this time, it's Sarah Blu who's lost. However, unlike Ursula, Sarah is caught by the couple she watches have sex in the woods. And not only do they steal her clothes, they give her a giant purple dildo. (Huh?) I don't know why they did that either. Nonetheless, some redneck hunters mistake Sarah's giant purple dildo for a snake and shoot it. Barely escaping the dildo-snake incident unharmed, Sarah, who is naked, continues on her way. When the redneck hunters discover the giant purple dildo they thought was a snake has fresh vagina juice all over it, they declare a pussy hunt.

Unaware that her pussy is being hunted, Sarah approaches a... Yes!!! (What?) Nothing, it's just that Sarah is about to traverse a barbed wire fence. (So?) So, I haven't witnessed a naked woman traverse a barbed wire fence since the first Fantom Kiler. This is a big deal. After making it through the barbed wire fence pretty much unscathed, Sarah's foot gets caught in a trap. Jeez, can't this woman catch a break? About to be gang-raped by the redneck hunters, the "Fantom Seducer" steps in to help her. (But don't the redneck hunters have guns?) Pish posh, the "Fantom Seducer" is impervious to bullets.

(Is it just me or does this movie not make any sense?) Stop trying to make sense of everything and just enjoy the sight of Sarah Blu bouncing up and down on the Fantom Seducer's cock. (Okay, I will. But this movie is making my brain hurt. Oh, great, after being cummed on, guess where Sarah Blu ends up?) The railway station with a mop handle up her ass? (Excellent guess.) Luckily for her, though, Ursula was the only one at the station (in fact, she was the one holding the mop handle in place).

(Is Sarah's reading of the line, "Get this mop out of my ass now," the worst line reading in the entire film?) Um, maybe. But I think you should see the two guys who play a couple of DP-loving Polish detectives before you start declaring anything to be the worst. And wouldn't you know it, here they are. Sitting in their office (which, for some reason, has a large Soviet flag on the wall), the detectives are in the middle of discussing the murder of the janitor. And I must say, after listening to these guys talk for ten seconds, I can safely declare them to be the worst actors ever to be captured on film. I don't care if English is their third or fourth language, I've never seen such terrible acting in my life. (You sound flabbergasted.) Fuck yeah I'm flabbergasted.

Luckily, their cocks take over, as the DP-loving Polish detectives go to town on Claudia Rossi's many holes. This scene, by the way, which features Claudia Rossi as a policewoman who wants a promotion, is the film's hottest. (I thought you said you weren't a big fan of double-penetration scenes?) I'm not. But since Claudia Rossi seems sincere when she asks one of the detectives to stick his cock in her ass while the other detective's cock was in her pussy, I decided to make an exception to the rule. It also helped that Claudia Rossi is gorgeous and that the scene was shot was in a brightly lit office (most of the film's sex scenes are shot in the woods at night).

Briefly turning into a women in prison film after Ursula is arrested for the janitor's murder, the film features lesbian prison sex, a cool stripetease scene involving Lucie Stratova in black stockings (sadly, Lucie is the only woman who wears nylons in these movies), and facials number 12 and 13.

Yet, despite the prison setting, this film is slowly beginning to sap me of my strength; seriously, if I have to watch another penis plow into a pussy for an extended period of time, I'm going to lose my mind.

While the majority of the actors can't even recite even the most basic of dialogue in a convincing manner, I was shocked when Sandra Kay is given the opportunity to perform a monologue. And not only does she perform the monologue with flying colours, she says the words, "corroborate" and "manifestation." Well, as you would expect, I started to jump around the room when I heard Sandra utter these two words. Now, did her utterance of these words manage to renew my will to live? Not quite. But I have to say, it sort of made the ordeal/chore that is the act of watching these movies a trifle less painful.