Driller (Joyce James, 1984)

While it's nowhere near as titillating as the tragically non-existent "Owner of a Lonely Heart" porn parody, "Boner in a Lonely Tart" (dig the scene where an out of work sex slave is forced to perform dollar store quality cunnilingus on a painfully shy librarian while an omnipotent fiend in an orange turtleneck sweater watches from afar), the infamous Driller, a loose assemblage of ideas slapped together in a veiled attempt to lampoon a popular music video, is here to prove that not all porn parodies are lame (get this, word on the street is the female performers in the That '70s Show porn parody are clean shaven and have tramp stamps). Featuring semi-elaborate dance numbers, disgraced ex-U.S. Presidents, zombie brides, unorganized orgies, jizz-tinted glasses, iridescent dildos and lesbian ghouls, writer-director Joyce James (Desperately Sleazy Susan) and writer-producer Timothy Green Beckley have taken on one humdinger task, and that is, recreate the makeup effects, the choreography, the manic energy, and, of course, the music that made the John Landis-directed video a classic. Just think, if only they had waited a year or two, they could have done a porn parody of the unfussy music video for The Replacements' "Bastards of Young" instead. Unfortunately, a black and white video consisting mostly of an unbroken shot of a thumping stereo speaker is not the music video they're parodying. No, the music video they're parodying is not only of one of the most iconic music videos ever made, it's also one of the most expensive.
 

 
The question on everyone's mind is: How does one go about making a successful spoof based on a music video that sports racially evolving werewolves and dancing zombies, while at the same time, providing the raincoat crowd (the film's initial target audience) with the graphic insertion shots they so wantonly crave? Well, for starters, you'll need Taija Rae (She's So Fine!) to lie on a bed with her shapely gams in the air. And judging by the sight of her wonderfully pale stems glistening in the fake moonlight, they've got that angle pretty much covered.
 

Okay, what you need to do next is have an immodest werewolf in a red leather jacket stand over her playing with his gigantic, drill-inspired cock. And, whaddya know, they've got that angle covered as well. It looks like the producers of this ambitious project have done at least two things right. Let's delve deeper into the sleazy world of Driller, shall we?
 

The film opens with the sound of a crowd cheering enthusiastically for a one-gloved pop singer named "Driller" (Mr. J). Standing on stage while striking a new wave-friendly pose, Driller simply stands there as one woman in the audience removes her top, while others wave sparklers. All of a sudden, a beat starts up, and Driller starts to sway his hips. My first thought was: Oh-oh, he's about to sing. I won't lie, I felt a profound sense of trepidation in regard to the film's music. I mean, we're talking about a porn parody musical shot in Queens, New York on a shoestring budget, not West Side Story. Luckily, we're spared from hearing Driller's music for the time being, as the scene fades out just as he was about to get funky.
 

After we listen to a slew of comments, some positive, some negative, from various audience members as they mill about outside the theatre, we're introduced to Louise (Taija Rae) and Dan (Dick Howard), a square couple out on a date. Determined to stick his erect penis into her hopefully moist vagina, Dan stops acting jealous over Loiuse's love for Driller, and starts whining incessantly. His strategy is to moan and bellyache his way inside her lofty box, and, low and behold, it worked.
  

"Is your lube tube on the fritz?" asks Dan, the moment he starts pawing at, what he perceives to be, Louise's unresponsive crotch on her parents' reddish couch.
  

Normally, a line like that would get you tossed on your ass, but Dan's resolve is so fervent, that she buckles under the sheer weight of his pestering.
  

Dressed in white stockings, white-rimmed glasses and wearing a cheeky white bow in her hair, Louise stops steeping her tea bag, lays back on the couch and reluctantly allows Dan's penis to penetrate the pristine confines of her pussy-based passageway. What's fascinating about this scene. Okay, maybe "fascinating" is pushing it. What's mildly interesting (yeah, that's a little better) about this scene is that Louise wants nothing to do with the deformity sort of dangling between his legs (and the fact that Dan makes an allusion to Rockwell's paranoid classic, "Somebody's Watching Me").
  

You see, in most movies like this, this female participant is usually overly eager rent out their spacious holes to almost anyone. Sure, a lot of them pretend to be uncertain at first, but they all seem to gradually give in to the power of cock.
  

Well, not Louise, her annoyance is prominent from start ("Hurry up, Dan!") to finish ("You're hitting my bladder!").  Hell, she even employs a double-handed jizz block when he attempts unload his pathetic wad in her face (just for the record, I would never let a man cum in my face - the key word their being "face").
  

After Dan leaves, Louise goes to bed (the walls of her room are covered with Driller posters). Falling asleep with the aide of a cheesy horror movie, Louise is shocked to find her bedroom full of dancing zombies (they entered by crashing through her wall). Luckily for the  zombies, Louise's bedroom is large enough to accommodate their specific needs (dancing zombies require a ton of space).
  

Wearing tattered clothing, the dancing zombies dance in unison while they await the arrival of their master. Who could their master be? Why it's Driller! Looking a tad more demonic than he did at the concert, and now sporting a red leather jacket, Driller performs a song called "Driller," which is kinda catchy. In other words, it wasn't as awful as I thought it would be. Accompanied by his backup singers (their red pantyhose accentuated by dresses that looked like ripped up garbage bags), Driller moonwalks up a storm as Louise's watches from the relative safety of her bed.

We soon find out why Driller is called "Driller" the moment he pulls out this giant drill-like penis (it whirls when provoked). On top of having a sentient life form masquerading as a petrified johnson, Driller is also a werewolf. After he's done transforming (the werewolf makeup, like the music, wasn't as awful as I thought it would be), wolfman Driller makes himself at home between Louise's milky thighs. Bragging as he thrusts that "John Holmes ain't got nothing on me," Driller eventually spews this tar-like substance all over her stomach.

  

Technically, the movie should be over at this point–after all, the music video they're parodying is only fifteen minutes long. But it's not over, not by a long shot. A nightie-wearing Louise somehow finds herself in an old, spooky-looking castle.

How do we know she's in a castle? The producers of Driller put a picture of a castle on the screen (one complete with lightning animation and the sound of howling wolves). It's a called an "establishing shot" (earlier in the film, a picture of a suburban house is used to represent the home where Louise lives), and they help create a broader sense of the world. At this point, the film starts to resemble films like, Nightdreams, Visions, and The Devil in Miss Jones 3, in that, they boast confused protagonists who wander through a bizarre netherworld replete with unconventional debasement and dim lighting.

  

Forced to watch two leather-clad dandies defile a virgin (Cassandra Leigh) on a slab, a pair of gold-painted "ladies" probe one another with a glow-in-the-dark dildo, and, my personal favourite, a thick-thighed beauty named Esméralda rubs her clit in black fishnet stockings (a Quasimodo-esque figure shouts words of encouragement at her while she rubs it), Louise patiently waits until they've all finished before moving on to the next sexual event.
  

Discerning perverts the world over worship at the alter that is Taija Rae (her pre-1987 juicy mounds of soft, authentic flesh never fail to drive heterosexual men wild with desire), and in Driller her juicy mounds are, unfortunately, relegated to the backseat of this unsavoury car after she's violated by the pop star/werewolf.
  

Reduced to being a spectator, Taija, after she's groped by a couple of female ghouls, spends the majority of the movie crouched in a corner watching an orgy (an orgy participant who looked like Richard Nixon says, "they don't call me Tricky Dick for nothing," before penetrating his partner) and smoke-laden dance routines (in order to maintain its connection to Thriller, a scantily clad Driller shows up periodically to dance in a series of Estuardo Miguel choreographed dance numbers).
  

After the "skeleton groom" (Ron Retta) has finished making a mess all over the wonderfully ample backside of the "skeleton bride" (Renee Summers), it's finally Louise's turn to get a right and proper dicking. And faster than you can say, "it's zombie night, it'll be all right," Taija Rae finds her body being prodded at from all sides. As far as foursomes go, it's pretty ho-hum (I can't believe I just called a foursome "ho-hum"). But I did like the fact that it appeared as though Taija did not want to kiss the guy in the studded collar. Despite his best efforts, Taija would not lock mouths with this guy, and I say, good for her.
  

Quirky fun-fact: An excerpt of "Owner of a Lonely Heart" is featured on Michael Jackson's "DS" from his 1995 album, HIStory.