Samurai Cop (Amir Shervan, 1989)

Using my unique power to look at stuff and combining it with my not-so unique ability to remember the stuff I just looked at with some degree of accuracy, I would say roughly around thirty henchmen are killed in Samurai Cop, the movie so awesome, it's comes with its own body bag. Wait, I don't like that. Let me try that again. ...in Samurai Cop, the movie so awesome, it watches you. Neither of them make any sense, but I prefer the latter. I like the idea of a movie that watches you, and believe me, this is one movie you don't want watching you, or maybe you do. Again, I don't know what that means exactly. Either way, who is going to pay for all those funerals? That's what I'd like to know. What funerals, you ask? The henchmen. Haven't you heard? Los Angeles is replete with dead henchmen. And to add insult to dead henchmen, their deaths were primarily the handy work of some long-haired no dick from San Diego. Why this Fabio wannabe in the jet black banana hammock felt the need to drive all the way up to L.A. to destroy the city's most precious resource is anyone's guess. But don't think for a San Diego minute the more jawed than usual residents of this fair city are going to sit idly by and let some namby-pamby Japonophile ruin everyone lives. You wanna know why? 'Cause they won't...sit idly by, that is. (First of all, since when has L.A.'s most precious resource been henchmen? I always thought it was spineless sycophants. And secondly, "more jawed than usual"? What the fuck does that mean?)

Oh, you're so naive. There's only one person on this earth that fits that jowl-centric description, and that is, the one, the only, Robert Z'Dar. Taking henching to a whole nother level, Robert Z'Dar is the ultimate henchman as Yamashita, the loyal warrior who carries out his orders using the samurai code.
  

Whether instructing lesser henchmen to attack his foes, riddling said lesser henchmen's bodies with bullets fired from an Uzi after they fail to attack said foes with the necessary fortitude, or engaging in sexual intercourse with female henchmen with red hair, Yamashita does everything with an exuberant brand of gusto.
  

(I'm curious, does it take Robert Z'Dar longer to shave than everybody else?) Don't be stupid, he clearly has a beard in this movie. (Okay, let me rephrase that. Does it take longer for Robert Z'Dar longer to trim his beard than everybody else?) While not as bad as your first question, it's still somewhat stupid. Therefore, I refuse to answer it.

Just to let you know, there are four sex scenes in this movie. Okay, before you start giving each other frat boy-style high fives, I feel I should warn you that I could have sworn I saw a hint of anus in at least three of them. (Boy anus or girl anus?) Girl anus. Don't look so relieved, you know you wanna see some or all of the Samurai Cop's smouldering butthole.
  

Now, you could say this was a direct result of lackluster filmmaking on the part of director Amir Shervan, but there's no way I'm saying that. A hint of anus is a part of everyday life. Take it away and what are you left with? (Less anus?!?) Exactly. And who wants to live in a world with less anus? (Not me?!?) You know it.
  

Here's a bold statement: Samurai Cop is better than every Andy Sidaris film combined. The women are hotter (strong, forthright feminists without an ounce of silicon), the action is more exciting, the music is synthier (the score reminded me of A Split Second, the Belgian band, not the Rutger Hauer movie), and the dialogue is definitely more crisp. (Wait, more crisp? Are you sure you're not talking about a head of lettuce?) No, I'm talking about dialogue.

They might not be an established gang yet, but Fujiyama, the leader of Katana (which means "Japanese sword"), plans to change all that when he sends his favourite henchmen, Yamashita (Robert Z'Dar), to meet with the leader of a rival Chinese gang in Chinatown. And by "meet with," I mean, he straight-up kills his ass.
  

If the scene that introduces us to Katana, a gang that also includes karate expert Okamura (Gerald Okamura) and the sultry yet dangerous Cameron (Krista Lane), seems to fly by at a sprinter's pace, the scene that introduces us to their primary adversaries seems like an epic slog by comparison. Two cops, who could be on the edge (the status of where they're standing edge-wise is not known to us when the film gets underway), named Joe Marshall (Matt Hannon) and Frank Washington (Mark Frazer), are in pursuit of a van that is purportedly transporting a shitload of cocaine.
  

Utilizing the help of Peggy Lee Thomas (Melissa Moore), a sexually aggressive police helicopter pilot (if you're about to chop off a big black cock, make sure to send it her way before you do so, as she doesn't like to see big black cocks go to waste), Joe and Frank chase down the cocaine van (in a scene that is reminiscent of the classic car chase in To Live and Die in L.A.), dispatching a couple of henchmen along the way.
  

After capturing the driver of the van (who was badly burned at the end of the chase), Joe points up at Peggy, as if to say, I'll see your pretty little anus later. And since their encounter is filmed, we get to see her pretty little anus as well.
  

I think the main reason we see so much anus in this film is because people often overestimate the capacity of the thong to keep your anus covered at all times. While it might provide the coverage our anus shy society requires whilst the thong-ensnared individual is standing in the upright position. However, once the person starts moving around in a manner the engineers at the thong laboratories had not foreseen, that's when things could get a tad rectal, if you know what I mean.
  

Exposed anus or not, I couldn't help but cheer Peggy on as she rode Joe's cock to Pleasuretown, Population: Her orgasm. I think I might have even yelled, "Ride that Samurai Cop, you horny bint!" at one point.
  

(Hold on, Joe's the "Samurai Cop" in Samurai Cop? Am I crazy, or does he not look Japanese?) Ah, you see, according to Yamashita, who is also not Japanese, Joe, while technically not Japanese, was trained by a martial arts master in Japan, is fluent in Japanese, and was sent to L.A. from San Diego to fight Katana.
  

Oh, he's from San Diego all right, but there's no fucking way he's fluent in Japanese. I mean, he can barely speak English. Anyway, after Yamashita is finished telling his boss all about this Joe fella, Fujiyama, his thick Japanese mullet fluttering with mullet-fueled rage, demands that the van driver's head be placed on his piano, so that all can see what happens to the Katana members who get captured (Katana have a strict "don't get captured or else" policy).

And guess who's in charge of retrieving his head, that's right, Yamashita. But how is Yamashita going to get past the security at the hospital? Don't worry, Cameron is going to pretend to be a nurse and wheel Yamashita in a cart covered with a white sheet. Keep on an eye of Krista Lane's legs as she and Z'Dar are leaving the hospital with the van driver's head in tow, her white stockings turn to taupe stockings in an instant.
  

Speaking of keeping an eye on things, make sure to take special note of Mark Frazer's acting as a sexy nurse mocks Joe's lack of cock when it comes to the size of his cock. His style of acting, if you can call it "acting," reminded me of Dean Learner from Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, in that he's not putting on an act, he's telling truth.
  

After one set back after another, Captain Roma  (Dale Cummings) finally tells Frank that he's had enough of this "moron from San Diego." (Did he just call the "Samurai Cop" a "moron" right in front of the "Samurai Cop"?) He sure did. (Damn, I like this guy's style. But why is he so grumpy?) Well, for starters, he's got this club up his ass, and he's having the darndest time trying to figure a way to get it out. Nonetheless, Frank manages to sweet talk the captain, giving them some more time to achieve the desired result. And that is, take down the Katana gang.

You wouldn't think it was possible given the garments dire reputation in the fashion world, but Melissa Moore is somehow able to make lady police pants look good.
  

Getting a tip that Fujiyama likes to hang out at The Blue Lagoon restaurant, Joe and Frank stop by to annoy him–you know, let him know where they stand. And it's during this stand knowing session that Joe gets his first look at Jennifer (Jannis Farley), the actual owner of The Blue Lagoon. It's clear by the way they smile at one another that Joe is going to woo the living crap out of her.
  

It should go without saying, but I'm going to to say it anyway, the sight of Robert Z'Dar reloading his Uzi is a beautiful thing. Oh, and the reason he needs to reload his Uzi is because he needs to spray The Blue Lagoon parking lot with copious amounts of hot lead. The flunkies he instructed to kick Joe's ass failed to do just that, so, he had no choice but to kill them.
  

The fact that the giant lion head on the wall in Jennifer's office does not come up once during Joe and Jennifer's conversation ("Hey, what's with the lion head?" or "Nice lion head.") is one of the reasons this film rules so hard.
  

As Joe, Frank and Peggy lay siege to Gerald Okamura's house, you'll notice two things: 1) We get another glimpse of a woman's anus; and 2) A bored Peggy asks a fellow officer he wants to "fuck." I can sort of understand the slight anus, as accidental anus is par for the course in this film, but why would Peggy ask a fellow officer to "fuck" right as they're about to take out an important henchmen's home? That's simple really, she likes sexual intercourse.
 

Out of all the funerals that are going to be held over the coming weeks for the dozens of henchmen and flunkies killed throughout this film, the one I would like to attend would have to be one for the "Go Watch the Other Door" henchman. What can I say, I really dug his style. The other cool thing about not only the "Go Watch the Other Door" henchman, but the other henchmen as well, was how each henchman died (i.e. fell to the ground after being shot) in a manner that was entirely unique.
 

The biggest mystery surrounding Samurai Cop was not the excessive amount of anal generosity, or the identity of the actress who plays "Sally," the leggy wife of a cop Z'Dar and the boys terrorize to learn the location of the "Samuari Cop," but the bandage on Melissa Moore's leg. Was the bandage part of her character's arc (a sex-related injury, perhaps?), or did Melissa Moore really cut her leg? If anyone runs into Melissa Moore, please tell her I'm concerned about her leg. Being that's it's not the 1980s anymore, I'm sure the cut has healed by now. But still, it makes you think.

Did I mention that Samurai Cop is better than every Andy Sidaris film combined? Oh, I did, eh? Well then, that's all you really need know. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to pretend that I'm about to attend a henchmen's funeral.