Cheerleader Camp (John Quinn, 1987)

The lure of Betsy Russell is so pronounced, that it looks like I watched something called Cheerleader Camp (a.k.a. Bloody Pom Poms). Yikes. The things I'll do just to catch a glimpse of the supple starlet shaking her sizable pom poms. Oh, and when I say "pom poms" I'm referring to the frilly balls of sparkled positivity that cheerleaders use to compel boys to play sports better, not her ample breasts. Anyway, the film itself is kinda lame, but it does have an aggravated charm about it that reminded me of nineteenth century Finnish philosopher Johan Vilhelm Snellman and his groundbreaking approach to... Ah, who am I kidding? This movie blows. The kills were weak, the woodland stalking was mediocre (way too much time was spent looking for two missing brunettes, and "the cheerleading" was a disgrace to... cheerleading. On the positive side of things, Betsy looked terrific while wearing a pair of white short shorts with a matching tank-top. And in the grand scheme of things, that's all that really matters. She plays Alison Wenthworth, a pill-popping pom pom shaker, who, along with her fellow cheerleaders, Bonnie (Lorie Griffin), Pamela (Teri Weigel), Theresa (Rebecca Ferratti), arrives at Camp Hurrah (which is some sort camp for cheerleaders, a kind of Camp Cheerleader, if you will, or "cheerleading camp") for an outdoor spirit symposium.

First off, I thought Betsy handled her cheering with a quiet dignity. That being said, I found her overall performance to be a tad off. It's almost as if she didn't want to be there. And seriously, could you blame her? I mean, if I had to watch Leif Garrett kick it old school, I, too, would be, like, totally despondent and junk. (My eyes and ears started to bleed simultaneously the moment the former teen heartthrob attempted to rhyme English words in a hip-hop fashion.) At any rate, Betsy's character literally sleepwalks through this movie, stumbling upon the bodies of rival cheermongers every so often.

Out of all the sentient beings in Cheerleader Camp not named Betsy Russell, I'd say I was most impressed with Vickie Benson (you might remember her as "Party Girl #2" from My Chauffeur). She played Miss Tipton, the sexy mistress of the remote cheer oasis, and was the only actress who managed to utter her lines with any conviction. I also loved the annoyed scrunchy face she sports throughout the movie. You see, unlike Betsy, Vickie B. turns her irritation into comedy gold.

Coming in second in the tolerable department was the understated Lucinda Dickey (Ninja III: The Domination), who takes break-dancing in an alligator costume to dizzying new heights. Though, I have to say, as I watched her get funky, I couldn't help but wonder if that was really Lucinda dancing in the gator outfit. However, once I saw that she had Solid Gold, Breakin', and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo listed as credits, my doubts just washed away like rivers of pus cascading off the back of a naked yak.

The desire to eat the leader of this particular cheerleading outfit troupe up with a spoon was all-consuming as I watched her cheer.

The film's biggest problem is that it's full of contradictions For example, the prerequisite "fat guy" (Travis McKenna), is told that he is too shy, even though moments earlier he is seen mooning the entire camp with his unsurprisingly huge ass crack (it's so long and wide, that I'm sure it could provide adequate housing for at least five low income families). While later in the film he can be seen eating a banana. Now, call me crazy, but there's no way he's touched a piece of fruit in the last twenty years (you know, judging by the depth of the aforementioned crack). It was little things like this that really annoyed me in the long run.

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