A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (Jack Sholder, 1985)

If anyone can expose the hetero-erotic subtext that lies beneath the surface of A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge, it's me. Hey, what can I say? Uncovering Hollywood's super-secret heterosexual agenda is sort of my thing. (Um, I don't mean to cut you off while you're on a role, but don't you mean, homosexual agenda?) Why would I mean that? It's obvious to anyone with a brain that kinda functions that A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge is the gayest non-gay porn movie to come out of the 1980s. (Even gayer than Night Warning?) Way gayer. When I read that A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge had a reputation in some circles for being pretty gay, I thought to myself: I'll be the judge of that. Well, it took me maybe, oh, I don't know, two or three seconds to decide whether or not this film, directed by Jack Sholder (Crawlspace), was in fact the gayest thing since assless leather chaps. (So, is it mega-gay or what?) Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I made myself clear. Anyway, when a shirtless Mark Patton wakes covered in sweat after the opening dream sequence (a non-burnt Fred Krueger drives our dreaming hero over a cliff in a school bus), I threw up my hands and said: I give up! In other words, fasten your seat-belts, things are about to get fab-u-lous! *snap* That being said. I'm still going to do my darndest to uncover this film's murky heterosexual underbelly. After all, the film's female lead is played by none other than Kim Myers (State Park), and her freckled gorgeousness will not go unappreciated by this viewer.

Even though Kim Myers' Lisa Webber has got that alabaster skin thing going for her, and, not to mention, the shapeliest, creamiest legs in the entire tri-state area, Mark Patton's Jesse Walsh has not only got his gym teacher, Coach Schneider (Marshall Bell), trying to fix him up with Ron Grady (Robert Rusler), the school's hunkiest bad boy, but he's got this child killing burn victim in a crumpled fedora making a serious play for the ownership of his gay sex worthy organic structure.

You could say that Jesse and Grady were destined to be together. Nevertheless, Coach Schneider (a gay leather enthusiast/gay teen matchmaker), makes sure, just in case, by having them do push-ups and running laps together.

As for Fred Krueger (Robert Englund), the aforementioned child killing burn victim, his job is to make sure Lisa's pussy is sufficiently clam-jammed at all times. Meaning, whenever Lisa seems close to snagging herself a pristine piece of oh-so delicious boy-cunt, Fred would step in and deny her of her firm reward. And who do you think Jesse will turn to for comfort? That's right, he runs straight to Grady.

Sure, he would sometimes run straight to Ron's Place, the coolest gay industrial goth leather bar in town (despite the fact that Coach Schneider is a regular). But trust me, he would rather be with the man he loves.

Oh, Grady! Penetrate my freshman asshole with your thick cock underneath your brand-new Limahl poster.

While it's true that Jesse loves Grady. Don't underestimate Lisa's resolve. She's got a few tricks up her sleeve. What am I talking about? A few tricks? She could definitely fit more than a few tricks up her sleeve. (What on earth are you babbling about?) It being 1985 and all, the style of shirts Lisa likes to wear are pretty generous when it comes to material. So, if she wanted to shove some tricks up there, she could stuff a healthy amount.

If you don't remember what I wrote in my review for A Nightmare on Elm Street, that makes perfect sense, because I didn't write one. I was going to write one, but there was hardly anything in the film that struck my fancy. Don't get me wrong, it's a well-made film, but it's no A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge. Seriously, this movie rules. In fact, I'm gonna go ahead and declare it to be the best film in the Freddy franchise. It's true, I've only seen the original and Mahakaal (the Bollywood remake) so far. But I don't think any of them can touch Freddy's Revenge in terms of quality.

If you don't believe me. Check out the scene where Lisa tries to put the moves on Jesse in the change room at her backyard pool party. Not only does it feature twenty-something teenage girls frolicking pool-side to Bobby Orlando's "Whisper to a Scream," the gay tension in that change room is so thick, you could cut it with a beadazzled switchblade.

While it might seem that Fred Krueger has been reduced to playing Cupid to closeted LGBT youth, his motives are still sinister and shit. In other words, I wouldn't underestimate him. Tormenting Jesse Walsh, whose family just moved into the house featured in the first film, via his dreams... his sweaty homoerotic dreams, Fred hopes to take over the gay teens body, so that he can start killing teens in the real world. After asking him politely to use his body (Jesse says no), Fred resorts to demonic chicanery.

He may not be, to quote Grady, "mounting her nightly," but Jesse has an ally in the form of Lisa Webber, a classmate he drives to school in "The Deadly Dinosaur," the nickname of his 1966 Dodge Dart GT convertible. Actually, to call Lisa Webber an ally is a bit of an understatement. She not only finds the diary of the girl Fred hassled in the first film, she tells Jesse about Fred's origins as a child killing serial killer and eventually confronts Fred in a final girl-style showdown in a factory filled with steamy valves.

In a strange twist, the film is chock-full of dudes being butchered (okay, chock-full is somewhat of an exaggeration... two dudes and a couple of guys at the pool party are butchered). Nevertheless, it still manages have, like the first film did, a strong female heroine at its core. It's true, Lisa Webber is, thanks to screenwriter David Chaskin, surrounded by gayness (Jesse's late night trip to Don's Place looked like an outtake from Cruising), but she's not going to let the fact that her boyfriend is gay get in the way of preventing a knife-glove-wearing psychopath from consuming his soul.

Like I said earlier, I'm kinda new to the Freddy franchise. However, I must say, I thought A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge is not only better than all the Friday the 13th movies I've seen, it's one the best films of 1980s. Granted, a big reason I think this is because of the film's homoerotic subtext. But when you combine that with Kim Myers (who is hands down one of the most attractive/alluring final girls of all-time), Mark Patton (who gives a surprisingly strong performance) and some of the song choices ("Touch Me... All Night Long"), you can't deny its place in the pantheon of great '80s horror movies. Or maybe you can... what do I know?

Oh, and even though I don't think the words "dream" and "job" really go together, my "dream job" is to be the girl's archery teacher at the high school in this movie. If you look closely, you'll notice the girl's archery teacher is wearing, along with a pair of sunglasses, a green "Kill 'Em All... Let God Sort 'Em Out!" t-shirt. In other words, where do I sign up?