W (Willy Milan, 1983)

Standing over his prey in a menacing fashion, Nosfero, the leader of a militaristic crime syndicate (one filled with a seemingly endless supply of leather clad dandies), says: "You killed my brother. Now I'm going to cut off your dick." Not one to sit back and let his genitals hit the dirt without a fight, W2, a non-rule-playing cop, responds by saying: "If you do that, you leave me no choice but to slaughter your bald minions." This may come as a bit of a surprise, but the conversation I just quoted doesn't occur in W. That being said, I think most of you will agree that it sums up the plot of this action-heavy Filipino revenge movie pretty succinctly. However, since I'm never succinct, I plan on dragging this thing out for as long as possible. Okay, I probably won't drag it out for that long. But I ain't stopping until I have fully explored the cock-free dilemma that W2's wife experiences after her husband loses his junk on their wedding night. In other words, sit back and relax. I just watched a movie made in the Republic of the Philippines about a man who wakes up to find that his penis is no longer attached to his body. Life is good. I ♥ Eunuchs.
 

Doing what any normal woman would do when faced with such a profound form of dicklessness, W2's wife makes friends with her shower nozzle. Now, you would think that the sight of your wife openly boning plumbing fixtures would cause W2 to rush down to the Manilla Learning Annex to sign up for cunnilingus classes (or, at very least, order a chin-strap dildo from the back of one of your now useless porno mags). But it doesn't. No, what does W2 do instead? He sits by the pool and sulks.
 

Boo-hoo, my wife's pussy is hungry for cock, and I have nothing to feed it with.
 

 
After he's finished sulking, W2 decides to confront Nosfero. Sadly, he doesn't get very far, as he fails to get past his Lieutenant. As a bound W2 hung in the middle of Nosfero's camp, he must have thought to himself: Why didn't I just lick my wife's vagina? If he didn't think that, then, well, he's a bigger dumbass than I initially thought.
 

 
Of course, a lot of people will say that W2's wife shouldn't have fucked one of his cop buddies. I, for one, I'm not one of these people. The moment W2 left to confront Nosfero was when I lost respect for him. Your thirst for vengeance has caused to lose focus on what's important. And that is, the needs and wants of your wife's clitoral infrastructure.
 

  
Changing gears for a second. I'm usually quite the wordsmith when it comes to describing synth flourishes. However, the one that accompanies the bulk of the film's psych-rock heavy score is causing me fits. Hell, I'm not even sure it was made using a synthesizer. Either way, I loved the weird, funky ass music heard throughout this movie.
  

  
What I am sure of is that Pentagon (Richard Jones) reminded me of Heinrich Himmler (Reichsführer of the Schutzstaffel) and David Leisure (Empty Nest). I wonder if any aging Nazis got a chance to see Empty Nest? Call me mentally unsound, I can just picture, oh, let's say, SS-Sturmbannführer Alfred Naujocks screaming for the nurse at his rest home to turn on Empty Nest in the TV room: "Hey, don't make me start World War II again. Put on meine favourite show!!! That David Leisure iz a riot." Anyway, Pentagon, the man in charge of the international underworld syndicate at the center of this motion picture, hopes to turn the land occupied by Nosfero (Den Montero) and his trike gang/cult into the biggest marijuana plantation in all of Asia.
  

  
Meanwhile, down at police headquarters, Alice (Alicia Alonzo), a police reporter, is introduced to an enforcer named W2 (Anthony Alonzo). On top of meeting W2, Alice also meets R2 (Bing Davao), D3, B9 and V1.
  

  
If you're wondering why I bothered to mention W2's fellow enforcers, the answer is easy, they all have alphanumeric names and one of them is played by an actor named "Bing Davao."
  

  
At any rate, the reason W2 doesn't make a play for Alice is because it would seem that W2 has a girlfriend (Anna Marie Guteirrez). Unfortunately, she won't accept his marriage proposal until he gets a less dangerous profession. Being an enforcer, as we'll soon find out, is no picnic.
  

  

After killing Nosfero's brother in the parking lot of a local steak house (see what I mean, no picnic), W2 is suspended from the force. The look on his girlfriend's face when she hears that he's been suspended speaks volumes. Seeing this as positive step in the right direction, W2's girlfriend starts to view the disgraced cop as husband material.

 

Despite being targeted by Nosfero (W2, R2 D3, B9 and V1 are nearly killed while enjoying a late night snack), W2 and his girlfriend decide to get married right away. As they're about to consummate their marriage by engaging in some good old fashion lying down heterosexual intercourse, Nosfero and his men (and women) swoop in and drag the horny newlyweds away.

Waking up in the hospital the very next day, W2 is shocked to discover that his penis is gone.

Unable to penetrate his new bride with his missing penis, W2 becomes increasingly frustrated. To make matters worse, Maj. R.A. Medina (Joonee Gamboa), W2's boss, won't overturn his suspension. Meaning, W2 can't legally go after Nosfero. However, if you were paying attention earlier, you will have no doubt remembered that I called W2 a "non-rule-playing cop." And, as most people know, non-rule-playing cops aren't the type to sit idly by and allow their severed penises to go unavenged.

You know what that means, right? Cue the welding montage. Employing the help of a sympathetic female syndicate/cult member, W2 turns his Camaro into an armored battle wagon of death. The cool thing about the welding montage is that it reminded me of a Test Dept. video.

Will the side-ponytail-sporting Nosfero and his bald/face-painted minions be able to stave off the attack launched by a cock-lacking ex-cop who just found out his cock-starved wife has been canoodling with a cocky cock-abundant ex-co-worker? Given that Nosfero commands a huge army that seems to spend the majority of its time training, I'd say the answer is most definitely yes. That being said, I wouldn't underestimate W2. Whoever is victorious in the ensuing battle, there's no denying that it's going to be freakin' epic. Let me put this way, the local undertaker is going to be getting a lot of new business when all is said and done.