Campus Cuties (Paul Vatelli, 1985)

What kind of English class has a poster of the periodic table on the wall? Did the person in charge of props (the prop master) and the writer not consult with one another during pre-production? How could they let a mistake like this happen? I mean, this is Campus Cuties were talking about, not some un-aired TV movie starring Costas Mandylor and Tiffani Amber Thiessen. To make matters worse, this particular English class has a constellation poster and a map of the world on the wall as well. Sure, other classes might use that classroom, but this film is supposed to take place at a prestigious college. In other words, it's not some low-rent high school located in the shitty part of town. Speaking from experience, my English class was held in the school's machine shop. As you might expect, whenever I come across words that are written in English, I'm immediately reminded of the smell of hot metal and methedrine (by the way, when I say, "hot metal," I'm not talking about the on the cusp of being hunky guy sitting next to me in the Iron Maiden t-shirt in machine shop English, I'm talking about actual hot metal). Anyway, learning about English literature in a high school machine shop obviously didn't have a negative effect on me, as I am writer English very good.

Getting back to the core of my original point, I really think prop master Kellie Matherby (Broadway Fanny Rose) and writer Steve H. Mehoff (Dr. Strange Sex) should have communicated better while on set. That being said, the responsibility for what appears onscreen ultimately falls on the shoulders of Paul Vatelli (Beverly Hills Cox), the film's director, as he's in charge of overseeing the production.

I know, the director probably had a ton of other things to worry about during the shoot, but the maintenance of continuous action and self-consistent detail in the various scenes of a movie are just important as, oh, let's say, the structural fortitude of Buck Adams' erection or the porous nature of Summer Rose's stockings.

Speaking of stockings, look how long I went without mentioning Taija Rae's mouth-watering, never not stocking-encased thighs; which were at the peak of the shapeliness in 1985, the year this film was made. Yay! Someone give me a cookie.

In a shrewd move, Campus Cuties opens with Wendy Phillips (Nikki Charm), the world's perkiest learning enthusiast, already at college. Lying on her bed in her dorm room, Wendy begins writing a letter to her parents detailing how great things are going at college.

If you think that was a shrewd move, we then flashback to when Wendy tells her boyfriend Jeb (though, I could have sworn she called him Jeff) that she wants to learn about things other than milking cows and baling hay. Upset that Wendy might forget about him in the big city, Jeb/Jeff (Kevin James) tries to convince her not to go away. This doesn't work, as Wendy has already made up her mind. Packing her bags, Wendy leaves her old life behind.

In case you're wondering how exactly these moves are in anyway shrewd. Don't forget, my English class was held in a machine shop. Ipso facto, abra kazam, I have no idea what most words mean. For example, up until 2005, I thought the word "crestfallen" was a slang term for when your toothpaste fell off the sink.

(Uh, that's just sad. So, when do we get to see the tops of Taija Rae's stockings?) How do you know Taija Rae wears stockings in this movie? Just kidding. Of course she wears stockings. To answer your question: You can see the tops of Taija Rae's stockings (red fishnets) at around the four minute mark. What am I saying, "at around." If you want to see the tops of Taija Rae's stockings, pause the video at 3:52; you're welcome, perverts.

When she arrives at her new school... Did I mention that Wendy engages in some going away sex with Jeb/Jeff near some hay bales before she leaves? No? Well, she does  (a swarm of gnats keep interfering with their youthful genitals as they commingled). At any rate, when Wendy arrives, she meets Dean Plumm (Jesse Eastern), a sleazy blonde cocksucker in a cheap suit.

After Wendy vacates his office, D'Arcy (Tracey Adams), the dean's secretary, gives him a quick blow job under his desk.

Here's a fun game to play: Try to count the number of ripples that appear on Taija Rae's sweaty hindquarters as a direct result of Rick Savage's plunge-based infrastructure. Given how varied our perception is when it comes perceiving the state of undulating bum flesh, you'll be pleasantly surprised by the outcome.

While the scene between Rick Savage and Taija Rae might seem like filler, it actually sheds some light on the plague that is on campus amateur pornography. Nah, not really. If anything, the film seems to be saying that filming women having sex without their knowledge is perfectly acceptable.

To illustrate this point even further, Rick Savage turns to the hidden camera and gives the okay hand sign to Tom Byron and Shone Taylor, his partners in crime; and, yes, it is a crime.

Hmm, I wonder how KFC feels that a bucket of their chicken sits on a table while Rick Savage (who is way too old to be a student at this school) causes the surface of Taija Rae's ample-esque backside to fluctuate? I wonder.

You could also ask Rob Lowe, Madonna and the makers of The Rocky Horror Picture Show how they feel as well, but they're not really the same thing as a chain of chicken joints. If anything, Rob Lowe and Madonna (both amateur pornographers in their own right) would probably be honoured to associated with something so sexually advantageous.

What's that? How do these people factor into the Campus Cuties universe? Oh, their posters are prominently featured in the group sex scene that takes place in Taija Rae's dorm room. The sight of Rick Savage's unique mug making myriad o-faces as Rob Lowe and Madonna look on is hands down my favourite non-Taija Rae, non-Summer Rose aspect of this film.

Even though I've mentioned her twice, I think Summer Rose deserves to be mentioned a third time, as she is sexy as hell in this movie as Linda 'Catty' Banks. And, yes, I loved the that her character has three names (in film's like this, you're lucky if you get one), and that one of them is a character trait-based nickname.

This may sound weird, but I thought Campus Cuties could have used more classroom scenes. No, hear me out. Other than the scene where a student, played by Mauvais De Noir (white stockings, blue lingerie), has sex with her teacher (Buck Adams) on his desk, you don't really get a sense they're at school. Sure, the film tries to rectify this by giving us plenty of establishing shots of an academic nature, but most of the footage they use didn't seem to match with the rest of the film.

All and all, despite its many flaws, I give Campus Campus a passing grade. Ugh. Wait, one more... If I were to grade Campus Cuties solely on its ability to unfurl firm boners, I would have to give it an A+. I better stop, I'm terrible at this.