Deviations (Domingo Lobo, 1983)

The producers of Deviations must have read my review for Rock Hard (or the very least, skimmed it), as it manages to avoid many of the same mistakes that film made. If you recall, my biggest complaint about Rock Hard was that two out of the three members of Adonna and the Sexelettes (the one's not named Adonna) did jack shit while on stage. In other words, they were glorified back-up dancers. Whoa, I just realized something, Deviations came out in 1983 (two years before Rock Hard). Meaning, there's no way the producers of Deviations could have read or skimmed my review. You know what that means, right? Exactly, the producers of Deviations decided to put musical instruments in the hands of the band at the centre of this San Francisco shot masterpiece on their own. Oh, and by "masterpiece," I'm referring to films that are in the rock porn genre. Anyway, just because the band members hold musical instruments, doesn't necessarily mean they know what to do with them. I'm looking at you, Connie Lindstrom. To be fair, this was Connie's first (and probably last) film. So, you can forgive her not knowing the proper way to hold a guitar. But then again, Connie Lindstrom's unorthodox guitar playing could be seen as her way of standing out from the crowd.

However, since it's 1983, you're going to need to do more than have a guitarist who holds their guitar funny to stand out.

Holy crap! It just dawned on me, they don't have a bass player. That's right, no bass!

And that poses a big problem for The Four Foxes, an all-girl pop band with new wave overtones. No, not the lack of a bass player... well, maybe that too. Nevertheless, the band can't seem to make any headway in the music industry.

(No headway, eh? Hmm, I wonder if giving head to others will lead them to attaining some of this "headway" you speak of.)

Lead by Ellen (Shanna McCullough), a shapely delight with killer thighs, The Four Foxes spend most of their time jamming in their fortress-like apartment/rehearsal space and getting... (Hold on, I gotta an idea. Why don't The Four Foxes emphasize Ellen's killer thighs?) They might just have to do that the way things are going. Only problem being, yep, you guessed it, Ellen has artistic integrity. (Killer thighs and artistic integrity? Now that's a losing combination.) Tell me about it.

While the other Foxes are more than willing to degrade themselves to get ahead, Ellen resists the urge to lower herself.

Sure, she'll have sex with a snake. But ask her to wear skimpy lingerie on stage and sing songs about anal sex? I don't think so.

Oh, and don't worry, I'll get to the snake in a minute.

After a close up shot of the cleavage belonging to Connie (Connie Lindstrom), the band's guitar player, the film gets underway. The other band members are introduced in a similar fashion. The band's drummer, Ginger (Adrienne Bellaire), is introduced via a close up of her camel toe in tight shorts, and the band's keyboard player, Goldie (Robin Everett), is introduced by focusing on her righteous booty in tight pink and white shorts. As for Ellen, she gets a close up all right, but it doesn't occur during the opening scene.

Belting out a song with lyrics like, "I love his hair and the clothes he wears... darling, oh, darling," Ellen's band is obviously not very good.

Suddenly, there's a knock at the door, or, I should say, a buzz. Would you look at that, it's Mr. Grundic, the band's landlord. Demanding that they pay their rent, Mr. Grundic threatens to evict them if they don't cough up the dough. Not wanting to be evicted, Goldie steps up to the plate. Removing her pink top, Goldie puts on a leopard print bikini, and offers to sit on Mr. Grundic's face in order to get a two week extension.

And the sexy blonde with the low center of gravity does exactly that, she sits on his face.

When the door-buzzer rings again, Goldie thinks it's Mr. Grundic back for more face-sitting. But it's only Stanley (Mike Horner), their next-door neighbour. Repaying Ellen with two cartons of eggs for the two eggs borrowed earlier in the week, it's clear that Stanley has a crush on her.

How could I tell? Check out the look on his face as he watches Ellen go to the kitchen to get Stanley some milk for his cereal, he wants to do nasty things to that booty. And why wouldn't he? Shanna McCullough has one of the most stain-worthy bums in porn.

Since jamming in their apartment isn't going to make them any money, The Four Foxes audition for Paul (Billy Dee) and Sybil (Lili Marlene), the owners of a local club. Wearing her finest black hose and a black and white striped dress, Ellen gives it her all, as she sings that awful, "darling, oh, darling," song.

While Paul thinks they're okay, Sybil dismisses The Four Foxes as "bubblegum," and tells her partner to break the bad news to them (Ellen is crestfallen). As they're leaving the club, Ginger is approached by Ziggy Rockstein, a music producer of some kind. Informing her that her band needs a gimmick, Ziggy says he's going to noodle with some ideas that are sure to make her band a success.

Meanwhile, back at Four Foxes HQ, Ellen dismisses the song she's currently working on as "cornball,"  and begins to openly bemoan the fact that she can't seem to express her true feelings in her lyrics.

Openly bemoaning must be a thing in this film's universe, as Paul and Sybil are doing exactly that at their club. Complaining that the crowds at their club are not as big as they used to be, Paul and Sybil are struggling to make ends meet. In  a moment of unexpected clarity, the stylish and sophisticated Sybil blames punk, new wave and blues rock for their financial woes, which she believes have become stagnant in recent years.

Instead of doing something about it, Paul and Sybil decide to have sex on the bar (I loved the close up of Sybil's garter belt adorned butt grinding against their modest returns as a direct result of Paul's first-rate thrusts - the bar is littered with cash).

Intertwined with  Paul and Sybil's bar sex scene is Ziggy and Ginger's meeting to discuss his ideas for The Four Foxes. As expected, Ziggy isn't all that interested in discussing his ideas. Well, for one thing, he doesn't have any. But more importantly, he seems more interested in eating Ginger's pussy, which he states that he's had a "burning desire" to do so since he first laid eyes on her.

After Connie and a reluctant Ellen (who still feels cheap) earn money posing for some wrestling photos (I'm a fan of the wrestling fetish, but only if the women are wearing slips), the band celebrate this sudden of influx of cash by drinking champagne on their deck. It's here that the idea to become more outrageous is born.

As Goldie is going on and on about how lewd they should be, Ginger chimes in and says, "We should change our name to The Deviations!" And with that, a new band is born. But what does Ellen think of all this? Who cares, let's get these gals in lingerie, stat!

Offended that the photo-shoot set up by Ziggy and the wrestling fetish photographer to promote their new look has turned into an orgy, Ellen storms off and has sex with a snake in another room. (Seriously?) Seriously. Coiled around her black fishnet-adorned legs, Ellen basically allows the snake to do everything but penetrate her vagina.

Speaking of penetrating vaginas, I can't believe that lumpy fuck Ziggy gets at least four helpings of pussy in this movie. It just goes to show you that even lumpy fucks can get laid if they... Actually, I have no idea he managed to pull this off. I guess it helps that he's in a position of power, but still... he's so fucking lumpy.

Debuting their new sound at Paul and Sybil's club, the Deviations hit the stage with a feisty, lingerie-clad aplomb.

Call me somewhat deranged, by I kinda liked The Deviations' music. Grabbing the mic, Ellen begins to wail: "We're The Deviations, we're into new creations / Normal is boring, kinky is wild / We're not straight, we deviate / I'm not mild, I'm a wild child... Let us demonstrate, how we deviate!" Don't judge me too harshly, but I was singing those lyrics under my breath in the supermarket the following day. And, as we all know, that's the hallmark of quality cinema.