The Bondage Master (Hitoshi Hoshino, 1996)

The ropes press tightly into your flesh as you lay sprawled out on the table like a piece of meat. You try to break free, but the more you struggle, the tighter the ropes become. Suddenly, midway through your ordeal, you notice something strange is starting to happen. The discomfort you initially felt has been replaced with pleasure. And not just any kind of pleasure, we're talking exceedingly damp panties and a shitload of sensual lip biting up this poorly ventilated dojo. Oh, and don't worry, you haven't turned into a pervert. No, the reason you're experiencing pleasure, as supposed to pain and suffering, is because your ropes were tied by a master. You could call him, "The Bondage Master." And, you know what? Let's call him that, as the film I'm currently writing about is called, The Bondage Master (a.k.a. "The Rope Detective"). At first I was like: Women don't like to be tied up. At least not the ones I see hanging out outside The Knit Cafe. However, after listening to Shiro (Yukijirō Hotaru), "The Bondage Master," explain the benefits of being tied up with ropes that have been tied by him to an inexperienced bondage model, I thought to myself: Maybe ropes are the key to happiness.

Think about it, how long can a loved one hold on to you? Five, maybe ten seconds? Sure, during my extensive travels, I've seen some hugs that have lasted longer than ten seconds. But let's get real, people, hugs are fleeting. Well, if you've been tied up with ropes that have been tied by "The Bondage Master," you will feel like you're constantly being hugged by a loved one.

Some of you are probably thinking to yourself: I can tie a knot, why can't I be a "Bondage Master"? First off, I never said you couldn't be a "Bondage Master." And secondly, you're actually right, though, you can't be a "Bondage Master," as there is only one "Bondage Master."

Seriously, no one, and I mean, no one, ties up hot chicks in white pantyhose the way "The Bondage Master" does.

Now, I don't know where exactly "The Bondage Master" learned to tie up women the way he does, but I do know this: When a Yakuza-affiliated gang called "The Blue Dragons" learn the woman who stole a ton of cocaine from them was last seen with "The Bondage Master," he's going to have a lot of explaining to do.

How many of you think "The Bondage Master" is going to be unable to explain his way out this mess and be forced to employ his rope-tying skills to get himself out of the plethora of Yakuza-affiliated sticky/pickle-adjacent situations he's placed in throughout this movie?

In an ironic twist, the woman in question, a bondage performer named Saya (Hitomi Shiraishi), was actually last seen with a wannabe "Bondage Master," not the real "Bondage Master." I know I said that no one ties up hot chicks in white pantyhose the way "The Bondage Master" does, but that doesn't stop imitators from trying.

"I like the way you tie me up," coos Saya, as Shiro puts the finishing touches on the knot currently pressing tightly against her back. Tied to a chair in a nurses uniform (complete with white pantyhose), Saya is photographed, while the photographer's assistant, Hitoshi (Hiromitsu Noriyasu), takes note of Shiro's bondage techniques. Desperate to become a bondage master, Hitoshi pleads with Shiro to show him the... Oh my God, I almost said, "show him the ropes." How hilarious is that? What's that? It's not that hilarious. Huh.

When she's not being photographed while tied up with ropes, Saya spends most of her time running from Yakuza thugs. On the other hand, Hitoshi can usually be found wandering the streets while wearing a sandwich board. I don't read Japanese, but I'm guessing the sign he's wearing contains an offer for women to earn up to 100,000 Yen if they agree to pose for bondage-related photographs. It doesn't matter in the end, as Hitoshi verbalizes this offer to a cutie with her hair pressed back by a headband. Unfortunately, she declines his offer; man, I would have loved to have seen her tied up.

And I don't mean that in a perverted way. I know, what other way can I mean then? But as we learn in the next scene, bondage can help alleviate menstrual cramps, headaches, toothaches and backaches. I was just as shocked as you are when I found out that not only can bondage be used for medicinal purposes, but that "The Bondage Master" is a nice guy.

Like most people, the act of seeing Shiro staring menacingly on the film's poster lead me to believe that his character was going to be a real sick fuck. Of course, as the film progressed, I soon discovered that the opposite is true. He views bondage as an art form, not some niche fetish.

On top of kinky photo shoots, Shiro also works at The Black Lizard Club, a–you guessed it–bondage lounge; think of it as Café Flesh for the S+M set. Sharing the stage with a leggy dominatrix named "Boss" (Yokiru Ikuta), Shiro's knot skills wow the audience as he ties up a woman in–you guessed it again–white pantyhose.

After the show, Shiro rescues a woman named Keiko (Ai Yasunaga) from a gang of unruly teens. It turns out that Keiko is Saya's sister, and she's been cruising the bondage scene looking for her. More than happy to help out, Shiro tells Keiko that he'll keep an eye out for her.

If you thought that was gentlemanly, you should check out the scene where Shiro uses his rope skills to retrieve a toy plane for a bunch of kids (it was stuck in a tree). I tell ya, it was refreshing to see a bondage enthusiast use his talents for something other than the advancement of his own orgasm.

Need more proof that Shiro isn't your average bondage master, look no further than the scene where he accompanies his Filipino prostitute pal to see her lawyer (she wants to get a work visa). It's true, Shiro was there to see his lawyer as well, but the fact he seems to go out of his way to help people blew my mind. The lawyer, by the way, was the "Boss." That's right, she's a leggy lawyer by day, leggy dominatrix by night.

He even eats at an independently run noodle stand! (no corporate noodle stands for this bondage master). So, let's recap, shall we? Shiro uses his bondage skills to help alleviate menstrual cramps and other ailments (mind you, he doesn't do it for free... bondage masters have bills to pay, too), he supports local businesses, convinces novice bondage models that being tied up is akin to being embraced by a lover, gets toy planes out of trees for little kids, accompanies Filipino prostitutes to see their lawyer, rescues damsels in distress, and... Uh, what else does this motherscratcher do? Oh, did I mention that he removes bullets from wounded Yakuza? No? Well, he does.

I'm telling you, if there wasn't so much bondage action, I would recommend that The Bondage Master be shown in schools, as it's a highly moral film. No foolin'.