Female Vampire (Jess Franco, 1973)

Just as she's about to leave her place of residence, deep in the mist-laden forests of Madeira, to search for sperm and vaginal secretion-based sustenance, Countess Irina of Karlstein does a quick wardrobe check. Giving her body a good once over, she can't help but notice that her long black cape isn't going to provide the dark and foreboding confines of her pound-worthy pussy and her ample grope-friendly breasts the amount of coverage they need in today's cunt and titty averse universe. About to go back into the house to fetch a bra and a pair of panties, Irina stops for a second and thinks to herself: With my lady bits and my tits out in the open like they are at the moment, the people I run into won't misinterpret my intentions. In other words, my organic structure is open for business, feel free to savour its delicious contours at your leisure. Sure, some of these so-called "people" might be perplexed at first by the sight of a shapely woman, who is bumpy in all the right places, sauntering around the woods with her twat and boobs exposed. However, those who possess genitals that are fully operational will be tickled pink to see her. Of course, a good portion of them have been conditioned to fear female sex organs since birth, even women, so don't be surprised if some of them are a tad standoffish by the sight of such wanton exhibitionism.

Wearing nothing but a long black cape, a pair of skin-tight knee-high patent leather boots and a black belt, Countess Irina of Karlstein (Lina Romay) slowly emerges from the mist with one thought and one thought only on her mind. And that is, companionship. Only problem is, she's a vampire, a Female Vampire.

Meaning, she can't help but kill those she copulates with. Whether they be men or whether they be women, she needs to feed on their orgasm in order to survive. Writhing on her bed helps abate her insatiable hunger for fluids of a sexual nature, but sooner or later she must plunge her face into the crotch of a total stranger to reap the moist rewards.

When Lina Romay emerges from the mist in the opening scene, did anyone else mistake her dark patch of pubic hair for a pair of black panties? For a minute there I totally thought she was wearing panties. But then it dawned me: Lina Romay + Panties? That is one equation that does not add the fuck up. Nonetheless, I consider pubic hair to be nature's panties, so, in away, she was wearing panties, just not the type you're accustomed to. Not to sound like a nudist, but societies obsession with covering things (i.e. vaginas) that already come with their own built-in cover is misguided and sad. It's my dream to launch a women's clothing line that features ensembles that cover everything except the vagina.

Oh, and before you start accusing me of being some sort of vagina-obsessed reprobate, please keep in mind that I just watched a ninety minute movie that has Lina Romay's unclad lady box being thrust in my face in almost every scene.

Did I mention the scene where Lina Romay's Countess Irina of Karlstein slowly emerges from the mist? I did, eh? How 'bout the skin-tight knee-high patent leather boots? You don't say. Hmm. I know what I didn't mention, the music by Daniel White, specifically the theme from Female Vampire. It's so freaking haunting. And in typical Jess Franco fashion, the theme becomes its own character after awhile, as variations of it are repeated throughout the film.

After Jess's camera has finished devouring Lina's supple frame, she walks up to a man who tending some sort of bird farm and... What's that? You say it's called a "menagerie." Whatever, this guy gets a blow job from Countess Irina against a bird fence. What's that? You say it's called "chicken wire." Screw you, man.

As Irina consumes his orgasm, the man let's out a loud scream. In fact, it's so loud, that Baron Von Rathony (Jack Taylor) hears it miles away.

Even though we never see her speak, Irina does occasionally provide some back story about her unique plight via narration (mwah, being a vampire is not all it's cracked up to be, etc.). And when these instances occur, the only thing we see onscreen is the vampire bat hood ornament flapping away on the hood of her limousine.

Agreeing to give an interview with a reporter named Anna (Anna Watican), we learn even more about Countess Irina (she answers her questions by nodding her head for yes and shaking it for no). She's apparently the last of her kind and lives alone in the mountains.

Feeling somewhat peckish, Irina instructs her manservant (Luis Barboo) to bring the hotel's masseur (Raymond Hardy) to her room. Lying on her bed in a manner that accentuates her pussy, Irina uses her clitoris to entice the masseur to come to her. As she expected, the masseur agrees to have sex with her. Little does he know, however, the orgasm he experiences on this day will be his last. Though, I gotta say, if you gotta go, what better way to do so than to have an attractive female vampire eat your orgasm.

There's supposedly a police investigation underway (the bodies are starting pile up at the Madeira morgue), but they have no clue what's going on. The medical examiner, Dr. Roberts (Jess Franco), tries tell the inspector in charge of the case that a vampire with a taste for spunk-based spillage is the culprit, but he dismisses his findings as pure poppycock.

What Jack Taylor's character is up to still unclear, but he's obviously drawn to Countess Irina. Until the actual scene where he meets Irina face-to-face, Jack spends most of the movie looking up at the sky (he's keeping an eye out for Irina, as she tends to fly by every now and then).

The blind Dr. Orloff (Jean-Pierre Bouyxou), like Dr. Roberts, is well aware of what's going on the island. His best scene is when he grabs a handful of Monica Swinn's pussy (in the interest of science, of course). That's right, you're not seeing things. The gorgeous Monica Swinn is in this movie. Out of all the actresses who have appeared in Jess Franco movies over the years, Monica Swinn (a.k.a. Monika Swuine) is definitely in the top five in terms of sex appeal. And she does not disappoint in that regard in Female Vampire.

Playing... what does it say here, "Princess de Rochefort"? I don't remember hearing her called that name once during the movie. At any rate, playing Princess de Rochefort, Monica is playing chess with her servant (Alice Arno), when Countess Irina walks in and helps her defeat the servant.

Escorting Irina to her private sadomasochism dungeon, Princess de Rochefort instructs her servant to remove Irina's clothing. If you look closely, you can see that Lina Romay is wearing black hold up stockings. The fact I had to "look closely" was very frustrating, as black hold up stockings in Jess Franco movies should always be easy to see.

After being whipped by... Oh, wait. I love it when Monica Swinn says, "Her skin is so silky smooth... I can't bear to touch it," while feeling up Lina against the dungeon wall. After being whipped by Alice Arno for a couple of minutes, Irina manages to turn the tables on Princess de Rochefort, who finds herself the one being whipped (she uses her vampire mind control powers on Alice Arno).

Crashing to the floor as the result of a punch to the gut, Monica Swinn is swarmed by Alice Arno and Lina Romay, who proceed to grope and lick her (we still don't get a proper shot of Lina's hold up stockings). On the other hand, as they're doing this, we get some great shots of Monica's stems in black fishnet stockings and her extremely hairy pussy (I dug the way her panties had trouble containing the wild nature of her unruly pubic hair).

I would say that Female Vampire is the perfect starting off point for people who are thinking about using/getting into the cinema of Jess Franco, as it contains all the right ingredients. Well, at least it contains all the ingredients I look for in a Jess Franco movie. Lesbianism, the occult, stockings, an exotic location, sadomasochism, Monica Swinn, a haunting score, lot's of close up shots of vaginas, knee-high boots, and an eerie atmosphere.