Fantom Kiler 3 (Roman Nowicki, 2003)

After the debacle that was Fantom Kiler 2, you would have thought I would have learned my lesson. But, no, here I am, ready and willing to debase myself in public by admitting to the world at large that I watched Fantom Kiler 3 utilizing my own freewill. I mean, it would be one thing if someone held a loaded gun to my head and forced me to watch these movies. But that's clearly not the case. (Quit your bellyaching, deep down you know you like these movies.) No, I don't. I find them to be morally objectionable. They're the kind of violent, sexiest trash that only a diseased mind would enjoy. (Whatever. Didn't you whisper in my ear that the walls of the auto repair garage toilet reminded you of the gatefold sleeve of a certain live album by the Revolting Cocks?) I don't remember whispering that. (You totally did. As the ultra-leggy Eliza Borecka, who's back with a vengeance after her tepid, not-so leggy turn in Fantom Kiler 2, is about to sit down to take a pee, you said, and I quote: "You Goddamned Son of a Bitch!" At first I was like, what the fuck? But then you explained to me that that's the name of the live album Revco put out in the late 1980s. Anyway, only a person with a deep seeded love for these movies would take the time to notice the makeshift pornographic wallpaper plastered all over the walls of the film's primary auto repair garage toilet. And I don't give me no line about how you were so bored that you were reduced to noticing the wallpaper, you're a closet Fantom Kiler fan.)

While I wouldn't exactly go that far. I think I may have unlocked the secret behind the reason "Fantom Kiler" is spelled the way it is. Let's say you're a faceless serial killer who wears a black leather trench coat and a black Panama hat, and you want to leave a calling card at the crime scenes you create. Now, writing your name in blood is an excellent calling card. It's straight-forward and to the point. That being said, have you ever tried to write your name in blood? No? Well, neither have I. But I can tell you this, I bet it ain't easy.

Okay, and, now, let's say your name is the "Phantom Killer" and you have just killed a nightclub singer/exotic dancer with wonderfully natural breasts. Gathering up as much blood as you can, you begin to write your name on a mirror. Then it hits it hits you like a ton of bricks, you could save a lot of time and, not to mention, a lot of blood, if you simply replace the 'Ph' in Phantom with an 'F,' and drop one of the 'l's' in Killer. And just like that, you have doubled, maybe even tripled, your productivity.

The next time some geek/know-it-all comes up to you and launches into some spiel about how his favourite actor raped him with a Mr. T Pez dispenser in the parking lot of an aluminum siding convention, cut him off mid-Pez dispenser rape brag, and start explaining to him why the titles of the Fantom Kiler movies are spelled the way they are. It doesn't matter if he hasn't heard of the Fantom Kiler series, you'll blow his mind.

Actually, I'm not entirely sure if this theory of mine is on the level. So, I might want to tread lightly when dealing with the Mr. T Pez dispenser rape guy (who's not a real person, but a composite of the kind of people who go to aluminum siding conventions). But you have got to admit, as far as theories go, it's pretty rock solid.

If you're beginning to think that I'm spending way too much time going on and on about the origins of the name, "Fantom Kiler," you're right, I am. However, since the first, oh, let's say, fifteen minutes of Fantom Kiler 3 are a complete waste of time, you'll agree that my rambling is highly appropriate. Unless, of course, you consider the sight of Magda Szymborska oiling her fake breasts while leaning on the hood of her car to be worthy of your time. If you do, feel to paw at your genitals, that's what they're there for.

In the meantime, the rest of us (i.e. us relatively sane people) will be patiently waiting for ultra-leggy Eliza Borecka to appear onscreen.

You would have thought that Roman Nowicki would have improved his special effects during the time between making Fantom Kiler 2 and Fantom Kiler 3. But, no, the stabbing of Magda Szymborska's character looks just as fake in this film as Katarzyna Zelnik's stabbing did in the previous film.

Out in the woods to take erotic pictures of herself next to her yellow car, Madga Szymborska is suddenly attacked by a faceless killer. When this happened I was like, whoa, I didn't see that coming at all. I mean, a naked, oiled up Polish woman with cuoco-esque tits is attacked by a faceless killer wielding a knife? Seriously, who comes up with this stuff? It's crazy!

On the one hand, I have to commend Magda for wearing a black leather mini-skirt with a slit down the side. On the other hand, I must scold her for not wearing stockings. Bad Magda, bad Magda. Here's a huge wad of złotys, go to the lingerie store in Łódź and pick up some black stockings. Tell them Yum-Yum sent you. Oh, and Magda, never, ever appear onscreen without stockings on your legs. You got that? Good, now get your ass to Łódź.

After a pair of detectives are done wasting our time pretending to investigate Magda's murder, we enter an auto repair garage, where two mechanics are busy admiring their giant wall of erotica.

Interrupting the fellas is the leggiest woman in all of Poland. Pushing her car into the garage, Eliza Borecka is now on the screen. Sure, she ain't wearing stockings either. But at least her breasts are real. Anyway, wearing a caramel mini-dress, it would seem that Eliza's car isn't running properly.

If the mechanics had said something to affect of: "I can't wait to look up her exhaust pipe," I would have been fine with that. But, no, these assholes have to spend the next ten minutes throwing every car-based sexual innuendo they can think of at Eliza Borecka as she stood by her broken car in a leggy manner. We get it, when you say you want to "check under her hood," you're not talking about the hood of her car.

Luckily, nature calls, and Eliza Borecka asks to use their toilet, which thankfully ends the barrage of car-based sexual innuendos. And just like the walls of the garage, the walls of the toilet are covered in erotica. A confused-looking Eliza Borecka can't seem to decide what she finds more disgusting, the wall of garish Eastern European porn or the shit-stained toilet. Did anyone else find it odd that Eliza Borecka didn't flush the toilet before using it? Just me, eh?

It's true, I've been shaking my head in frustration a lot during this film. But I did start to nod ever so slightly when the one of the mechanics tells Eliza Borecka that she has the legs of a dancer. Finally, someone decides to say something that actually makes sense. Because, up until now, it's been nothing but wall-to-wall incoherent gibberish.

With no way of paying the mechanics to fix her car (one of the mechanics stole her money when she wasn't looking), Eliza Borecka is told to put those dancer's legs to good use. Reluctantly, Eliza Borecka agrees, and begins to perform a striptease for the sleazy mechanics. Take note, when Eliza Borecka's caramel mini-dress hits the ground, it's the last time she will be seen with clothes on. (You mean the mechanics are about to kill her?) Don't be ridiculous, this scene has at least another twenty minutes to go. (What?) All right, at least another eight minutes.

Just as I was about to lose hope that Roman Nowicki didn't have any surprises left up his sleeve, he unleashes what has to be one of the best sequences of the Fantom Kiler series so far. Of course, no one will be surprised when the mechanics douse Eliza Borecka's naked body with motor oil. However, it's when Eliza Borecka decides to fight back against her grease monkey tormentors that things start to get interesting. (Hold up, "interesting"?!? Are you sure you're talking about Fantom Kiler 3?) That's exactly what I said. But take my word for it, things get interesting.

When I saw the chainsaw hanging over by the door of the toilet my initial reaction was: What kind of auto repair garage needs to have a chainsaw on hand? In true Fantom Kiler style, the sight of the chainsaw did noting but confuse the hell out of me. Then, as the mechanics began to harass Eliza Borecka, I realized that the anachronistic chainsaw was about to be employed as a weapon. However, Eliza Borecka was the last person I expected to see using it in a manner that its designers hadn't intended.

The mechanics, now armed with metal pipes, confront Eliza Borecka, who just stabbed one of them in the leg with a screwdriver. Since it's obvious to her that her long, Polish gams are no match for metal pipes, Eliza Borecka grabs the chainsaw (which, like I said, is hanging near the toilet) and proceeds to saw her way out of this sticky, elongated pickle of a situation. If the sight of a naked Eliza Borecka holding a chainsaw doesn't excite the shiftless rabble who watch these films, then nothing will; keen observers will notice Eliza Borecka's hair goes from being up to down between shots.

If that wasn't enough, Fantom Kiler 3 gives us an extended nightclub music sequence courtesy of electroclash superstar Melochna Naskovystylist (Alicia Malikova), a singer/stripper who entertains the detectives in-between murders. While not as leggy as Eliza Borecka, Alicia is all-natural and has a modicum of charisma.

Since the film's twist ending involves a Fantom Kiler regular, I won't mention her name. At any rate, I have to commend Roman Nowicki for at least trying to breath new life into his flagship franchise.