Repossessed (Bob Logan, 1990)

I realize that there's no way to officially quantify this, but I'm just go right ahead and say it: 1990 is by far the cheesiest year, pop culture-wise, in the history of human existence. Proving that this cocksure proclamation of mine is entirely factual is the heinous Repossessed, a diseased corpse masquerading as a mainstream comedy. Boasting enough bloated references to Morten Downey Jr., Rob Lowe's home movies, Manual Noriega, Sean Penn punching photographers, and Technotronic to compel one to invent a time machine solely for purpose of traveling back to January 1, 1990 in order to commit suicide, the film, written and directed by Bob Logan, is so egregious in terms of soft penises dangling in a non-laughing state of bemused paranoia, a character is named "Luke" just so a couple of lame Star Wars gags could be properly implemented. However, that being said, any film that features the adorable Linda Blair yelling "lick me" while dressed as an ice cream cone can't be all that bad, can it? The stench of 1990 really permeates this film like no other I've ever seen. I mean, some films are able to mask their affiliation with this peculiar period of time by using well-established themes to tell their story.

This film, on the other hand, cannot hide behind universal truths and the poetic grandeur of a sentence spoken in the English language, uh-uh, it has to rely upon the idiocy of the day. And if that means priests rapping and Leslie Nielsen engaging in the millionth parody of that Robert Palmer video (you know the one), than so be it.

Despite all the sucking going on, Repossessed does have one feather in its cap, and that is: Willie Garson, who ventures outside his acting comfort zone to play a nerdy student who insists on asking Leslie Nielsen's Father Mayii a lot of probing questions. Just kidding.

Actually, the alluring Melissa Moore is the real star of the film.

Credited simply as "Bimbo Student," the shapely actress teases Father Mayii by recklessly molesting her own legs in a shameless attempt to arouse all those in and around her sexy aura.

Aided by the fact that her stems were sheathed in some sort of stocking-like material, the seated enchantress has the priest (who rarely acquires an erection via an adult female) and all the saps in the audience under her command.

Unfortunately, the moment "Bimbo Student" stops provoking her gams with her fingers is the moment this film runs out of gas and becomes the cinematic equivalent of being beaten to death with a Bible that was purchased from a vending machine that sells Bibles.

Luckily, the gorgeous Linda Blair is front and centre during the film's opening and closing. Yeah, that's right, opening and closing. I have no idea why she goes AWOL during the film's middle section, but her presence is sorely missed. This is especially true during the sequence that takes place at the heath club, as it was one of the longest, most unfunny chunks of cinema I have ever had the displeasure of witnessing.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, playing Nancy Aglet, a housewife who becomes possessed by a demon after sitting to close to the television, Linda seemed surprisingly comfortable writhing around on a bed while covered in painful lesions and dry sick. Though, I wasn't surprised that she took to being evil so easily; I'd be aligned with Satan and spewing fire-hose-quality vomit, too, if I was married to an overly chipper asshole (Goodyear pitchman, Thom Sharp) who thought her possession was a some kind of Joe Cocker-related ailment.

In case you're wondering, Nancy's son thinks it premenstrual syndrome and her daughter thinks...well, I don't remember what she thinks. I do, however, recall Nielsen's character saying something about both kids being terrible actors. Now that was a funny bit.

The overall level of humour in Re-re-re-Repossessed can be gauged (measured) simply by watching the scene where a stagehand pokes an announcer with a pool cue after being told to "cue the announcer." If that tickles your funny area, you should definitely be able to extract some positive nectar from this film (you know, despite the abundance of stale 1990isms). If not, than I would recommend you do something else with your time. Of course, if you're Linda Blair fan, this should be mandatory viewing, as she manages to look scrumptious even covered in slime. I just hope you have an easier time getting through the extended exercise sequence than I did. Hell, pure, unadulterated Hell.

video uploaded by TheGreatest007

...