The Backdoor Club (Jack Remy, 1985)

While the anus-loosening methods used by the A-Busters in White Bunbusters to get American women to open the final section of their large intestines to penis traffic might seem crude by comparison, their European brethren in Jack Remy's The Backdoor Club are just as dogged when it comes to getting their cocks thoroughly shellacked by womanly butt-juice. Of course, like in the Dark Brothers classic, most American women don't want dicks in their asses. However, instead of calling up some shady operation on the outskirts of town (one that promises to send over the finest door-to-door anal rapists forty dollars can buy), you have to physically get on a plane and fly all the way over to Munich, West Germany if you ever want your forlorn penis to see the inside of your wife/girlfriend's flawless rectum. I know, you're probably thinking to yourself: What kind of person would go through all that trouble just to fuck his wife or girlfriend in the ass? Well, for starters, these aren't "people" we're talking about here, they're men. In other words, they will do just about anything if they think it will benefit their revolting cocks. And secondly... No, that just about covers it. I've said it once and I'll say it again: Men love holes.

And one of their favourite holes is, you guessed it, the human anus. Clamoring for free access to the fleshy canals for centuries, men have always been curious about the opening next to the vagina/ball-sack.

Since European men have been clamoring for free access for much longer, European women are more willing to indulge their anal fantasies. In American, however, anal sex between consenting adults has always been frowned upon. The nation's puritan origins obviously played a large role in explaining why anal sex isn't as popular as it should be. But the fact you can't get pregnant via anal sex has something to do with it as well. You see, in order to replace the native population that they had just slaughtered, the white people who would eventually call themselves Americans came to the conclusion that vaginal intercourse, not kinky ass play, was the best way to increase their numbers.

While the European population was busy butt-fucking and fighting wars (a population killer if there ever was one), Americans were having tons of state-sanctioned, baby-producing vaginal intercourse.

You might not realize it by looking at it, but The Backdoor Club encapsulates the gaping divide that exists between Europe and America when it comes to sex. (It can't be that simple, can it?) Um, in the movie, the film's three Euro-porn starlets are fucked in the ass, the film's three American porn starlets are not.

Oh, sure, multiple attempts are made to coerce the Americans into letting the likes of Gabriel Pontello and Sascha Atzenbeck fuck them in their asses, but the Americans' cheeks remain clenched.... closed for business.

After taking us on a tour of the streets of Munich (the decision to use the video camera's blurring effect during this sequence was ill-advised), and delighting us with the film's on the cusp of being catchy theme song by "Galaxy" ("Slip in through the back door, like a thief in the night!"), the singer, by the way, sounds like Nina Hagen, if she had a head cold, The Backdoor Club gets down to business by showing an American couple, Tony (Herschel Savage), a dumpy palooka, and Sadie (Danielle Martin), a lithe blonde, entering the "Backdoor Club," a lavishly furnished home complete with expensive-looking artwork on the walls and fancy couches.

Reluctant to have her ass penetrated by a throbbing rock hard dick, Sadie manifests her unwillingness by pouting on a white couch (this couch, in case you're wondering, is the film's least fancy).

Noticing Sadie's childish antics are another couple, Horst (Gabriel Pontello) and Missy (Taija Rae), who are sitting nearby. Since I can't understand a word Horst says, I can't tell you what he asks Missy. That being said, I'm going to go ahead and assume that his query was butt-sex-related, as her response goes something like this: "Are you serious? My asshole is doing flip-flops." What does that mean, I thought to myself. Either way, the dialogue I did understand is clunky, and I can't wait for them to stop saying words out loud to one another.

Even though they say a few words here and there (ugh), the scene where Backdoor Club's butler, Hans (Sascha Atzenbeck) has sex on a table with two Backdoor employees, Gretchen (Christine Level) and Rachel (Tracey Adams), wearing satin garter-belts is up next. And it's here where we get our first taste of the film's continental divide when it comes to anal sex, as Tracey Adams' asshole goes conspicuously un-fucked during this scene. Come to think of it, I don't think Tracey Adams' character actually works there. I mean, it doesn't make sense for a woman who doesn't do anal to work at a brothel that specializes in anal sex.

When Sadie asks Horst if he's an "old hand," she realizes right away that she needs to dumb things down a shade. Gesturing toward her asshole, Sadie asks Horst, "Does it hurt"? To which Horst responds: "You mean, ass-fucking"? I'll admit, that line caused me to make a laughing sound. The combination of Gabriel Pontello's broken English combined with the fact that he's a terrible actor is probably the film's strongest non-stocking element.

Oh, what's that? I haven't mentioned the stockings yet. How strange. Well, it's a given that all the female performers wear stockings. After all, the film is European (stockings and Euro-porn go hand in hand). So, you won't be getting any complaints from me. Anyway, I have to say, the fully-fashioned stockings attached to Danielle Martin's beautiful legs are pretty much perfect. Everything from the colour (jet black), to the thickness of the nylon, to the size of the seams was absolute delight. 10/10!

It also helped that Danielle wore a red dress with red strappy heals, as I thought they went well with her black stockings.

As for Taija Rae (the reason I watched this film in the first place). She isn't really given that much do. Sure, it's 1985 (the height of her shapeliness) and her thighs look amazing as usual. But watching Herschel Savage anal shame Taija Rae as he plowed into her vagina doggie-style kinda ruined the mood.

Hey, Herschel. Do you mind not asking Taija Rae every other hump if she wants your dick in her ass, it's hampering my ability to appreciate the hypnotic ripple effect your pedestrian thrusts are causing to occur on the surface area of her sublime mid-80s buttocks. Seriously, one of my favourite things in the whole world is to watch the flesh on Taija Rae's ass ripple as a direct result of being fucked, and you're ruining it.

While the editing of the final scene is, let's just say, off-putting (four sex scenes are slapped together in a haphazard manner - video editing at its worst), you can't undermine Danielle Martin's sex appeal. Doing it with some guy who looks like Paul Bernardo on one of them fancy couches I alluded to earlier, Danielle (after some of the most awkward dialogue I've ever heard - it made me want to crawl underneath my non-fancy couch) gets fucked in the hole of her choice. And that is, of course, her vagina.

Should more American women allow their anuses to be fodder for erect penises? Who's to say? All I know is this: Don't let guys named Horst force you insert things in places that you don't want things... inserted.

Campus Cuties (Paul Vatelli, 1985)

What kind of English class has a poster of the periodic table on the wall? Did the person in charge of props (the prop master) and the writer not consult with one another during pre-production? How could they let a mistake like this happen? I mean, this is Campus Cuties were talking about, not some un-aired TV movie starring Costas Mandylor and Tiffani Amber Thiessen. To make matters worse, this particular English class has a constellation poster and a map of the world on the wall as well. Sure, other classes might use that classroom, but this film is supposed to take place at a prestigious college. In other words, it's not some low-rent high school located in the shitty part of town. Speaking from experience, my English class was held in the school's machine shop. As you might expect, whenever I come across words that are written in English, I'm immediately reminded of the smell of hot metal and methedrine (by the way, when I say, "hot metal," I'm not talking about the on the cusp of being hunky guy sitting next to me in the Iron Maiden t-shirt in machine shop English, I'm talking about actual hot metal). Anyway, learning about English literature in a high school machine shop obviously didn't have a negative effect on me, as I am writer English very good.

Getting back to the core of my original point, I really think prop master Kellie Matherby (Broadway Fanny Rose) and writer Steve H. Mehoff (Dr. Strange Sex) should have communicated better while on set. That being said, the responsibility for what appears onscreen ultimately falls on the shoulders of Paul Vatelli (Beverly Hills Cox), the film's director, as he's in charge of overseeing the production.

I know, the director probably had a ton of other things to worry about during the shoot, but the maintenance of continuous action and self-consistent detail in the various scenes of a movie are just important as, oh, let's say, the structural fortitude of Buck Adams' erection or the porous nature of Summer Rose's stockings.

Speaking of stockings, look how long I went without mentioning Taija Rae's mouth-watering, never not stocking-encased thighs; which were at the peak of the shapeliness in 1985, the year this film was made. Yay! Someone give me a cookie.

In a shrewd move, Campus Cuties opens with Wendy Phillips (Nikki Charm), the world's perkiest learning enthusiast, already at college. Lying on her bed in her dorm room, Wendy begins writing a letter to her parents detailing how great things are going at college.

If you think that was a shrewd move, we then flashback to when Wendy tells her boyfriend Jeb (though, I could have sworn she called him Jeff) that she wants to learn about things other than milking cows and baling hay. Upset that Wendy might forget about him in the big city, Jeb/Jeff (Kevin James) tries to convince her not to go away. This doesn't work, as Wendy has already made up her mind. Packing her bags, Wendy leaves her old life behind.

In case you're wondering how exactly these moves are in anyway shrewd. Don't forget, my English class was held in a machine shop. Ipso facto, abra kazam, I have no idea what most words mean. For example, up until 2005, I thought the word "crestfallen" was a slang term for when your toothpaste fell off the sink.

(Uh, that's just sad. So, when do we get to see the tops of Taija Rae's stockings?) How do you know Taija Rae wears stockings in this movie? Just kidding. Of course she wears stockings. To answer your question: You can see the tops of Taija Rae's stockings (red fishnets) at around the four minute mark. What am I saying, "at around." If you want to see the tops of Taija Rae's stockings, pause the video at 3:52; you're welcome, perverts.

When she arrives at her new school... Did I mention that Wendy engages in some going away sex with Jeb/Jeff near some hay bales before she leaves? No? Well, she does  (a swarm of gnats keep interfering with their youthful genitals as they commingled). At any rate, when Wendy arrives, she meets Dean Plumm (Jesse Eastern), a sleazy blonde cocksucker in a cheap suit.

After Wendy vacates his office, D'Arcy (Tracey Adams), the dean's secretary, gives him a quick blow job under his desk.

Here's a fun game to play: Try to count the number of ripples that appear on Taija Rae's sweaty hindquarters as a direct result of Rick Savage's plunge-based infrastructure. Given how varied our perception is when it comes perceiving the state of undulating bum flesh, you'll be pleasantly surprised by the outcome.

While the scene between Rick Savage and Taija Rae might seem like filler, it actually sheds some light on the plague that is on campus amateur pornography. Nah, not really. If anything, the film seems to be saying that filming women having sex without their knowledge is perfectly acceptable.

To illustrate this point even further, Rick Savage turns to the hidden camera and gives the okay hand sign to Tom Byron and Shone Taylor, his partners in crime; and, yes, it is a crime.

Hmm, I wonder how KFC feels that a bucket of their chicken sits on a table while Rick Savage (who is way too old to be a student at this school) causes the surface of Taija Rae's ample-esque backside to fluctuate? I wonder.

You could also ask Rob Lowe, Madonna and the makers of The Rocky Horror Picture Show how they feel as well, but they're not really the same thing as a chain of chicken joints. If anything, Rob Lowe and Madonna (both amateur pornographers in their own right) would probably be honoured to associated with something so sexually advantageous.

What's that? How do these people factor into the Campus Cuties universe? Oh, their posters are prominently featured in the group sex scene that takes place in Taija Rae's dorm room. The sight of Rick Savage's unique mug making myriad o-faces as Rob Lowe and Madonna look on is hands down my favourite non-Taija Rae, non-Summer Rose aspect of this film.

Even though I've mentioned her twice, I think Summer Rose deserves to be mentioned a third time, as she is sexy as hell in this movie as Linda 'Catty' Banks. And, yes, I loved the that her character has three names (in film's like this, you're lucky if you get one), and that one of them is a character trait-based nickname.

This may sound weird, but I thought Campus Cuties could have used more classroom scenes. No, hear me out. Other than the scene where a student, played by Mauvais De Noir (white stockings, blue lingerie), has sex with her teacher (Buck Adams) on his desk, you don't really get a sense they're at school. Sure, the film tries to rectify this by giving us plenty of establishing shots of an academic nature, but most of the footage they use didn't seem to match with the rest of the film.

All and all, despite its many flaws, I give Campus Campus a passing grade. Ugh. Wait, one more... If I were to grade Campus Cuties solely on its ability to unfurl firm boners, I would have to give it an A+. I better stop, I'm terrible at this.

Rock Hard (Bob Vosse, 1985)

I've read that in the early days of MTV, the then music video channel would play just about anything. Now, this policy had nothing to do with MTV being open-minded or adventurous, it was like that because they to had play something. You see,  music videos in the early 1980s were still a bit of a novelty. Meaning, not every artist bothered to make a music video. So, if you were in a band with a music video, the chances of it getting it played on MTV were pretty good. What does this have to do with Rock Hard, a Taija Rae porno movie from 1985? It's simple, really, if I was in charge of deciding what got played and what didn't get played on MTV, I would have flat-out refused to air "Hotter Than Hot" by Adonna and The Sexelettes on the grounds that it sucks ass. Seriously, what was that? Okay, I get it, Adonna (Taija Rae) is the singer. But what are those other chicks doing? Are they even in the band? Ugh. We wouldn't be in this mess if writer-director Bob Vosse (Yank My Doodle, It's a Dandy! and She-Male Sex Clinic) had the horse sense to hand them guitars. Hell, even a tambourine would have been a step in the right direction.

And don't give me any of this crap about musical props being expensive. The opening scene clearly

shows a drum-kit and two mannequins, one with a guitar and one with a bass guitar.

Look at them, they're right there. Grab 'em.

That being said, it sort of makes sense that Adonna and The Sexelettes were kinda terrible. Think about it, they would have to have sexual intercourse with almost everyone connected to the music industry in order to get their shitty music video on the air. And–you guessed it–that's exactly what they end up doing. Humping anything with a pulse, Adonna and The Sexelettes literally fuck their way to the top.

After enduring the music video for "Hotter Than Hot" (which is played in its entirety during the opening credits) Taija Rae's Adonna gets right down to business at hand by massaging the cock attached to her manager's crotch with the inside of her mouth. Even though they're technically a couple, Adonna treats Phil (Jerry Butler) more like a boy-toy. In other words, she'll continue to let him make the flesh on her juicy, pale ass ripple as a direct result of his pelvic thrusts as long it helps her career.

Call me avuncular tree frog, but I simply adored how each thrust caused a brand new ripple to appear along the surface of Taija Rae's untanned backside.

Pinning her legs back as far back as they will go, Phil penetrates Adonna with not as much gusto as I would have liked. The fact Adonna obviously wanted to be somewhere else minimized the impact of his thrusts. And it didn't help that Phil and Adonna stopped to chat every once and awhile either.

I did like Taija's purple satin garter belt and the torn up nature of her black stockings, which looked like they had just survived a nuclear explosion.

While to a certain degree it was also annoying that the opening sex scene between Taija Rae and Jerry Butler is periodically interrupted by the scene where The Sexelettes try to convince a VJ to play their video, I wasn't too upset, as the scene introduces us to Ultra Box!!!!

Yep, you heard right, Rock Hard has a character named Ultra Box, who I'm officially declaring to be one of the greatest movies characters of all-time. Sure, a lot my hyperbolic praise has got to do with the fact that she's called "Ultra Box," but Patti Cakes, the actress saddled with the task of bringing Ultra Box to life, is simply amazing. It doesn't have to be noted, but unlike Taija Rae, and Nina Hartley, who plays Cindi Looper, Patti Cakes doesn't have hundreds of credits on her resume (according to my research, Patti Cakes only appeared in ten movies during her film career). Anyway, Cindi Looper, who is wearing an orange sweater dress with a longer pink dress underneath it (creating a nice layering effect) and Ultra Box, who is wearing black stockings with a short skirt, approach Billy VJ (Billy Dee), the VJ for a MTV-style music channel. She hasn't said a word yet, but I like Ultra Box already; she starts clawing at her skirt (reveling the tops of her stockings with every claw).

When Billy VJ implies that there is something they can do to get their video played on the air, Ultra Box assumes he's talking about money, and says, "I thought payola was unlawful." Ahh, I love it. Her voice is so snotty and uncouth; she would be perfect in an early John Waters' movie.

He's not talking about money, by the way, he's talking about sex. Pulling out the mattress he had tucked away underneath the studio mixing board, Billy VJ invites Cindi Looper and Ultra Box to dine on his genitals.

Wearing a red ruffle garter belt, a giant blue crucifix earring and sporting pink highlights in her hair, Ultra Box is the one who gets jizzed on when Billy VJ is finished. Or does she? I know her bush is thick and all, but I can't see any cum.  Man, what a piss poor cumshot. Whatever. Lying in a post-coital heap together, Billy informs the ladies that he can set up an appointment with the station's program director (he doesn't have the authority to decide what gets on air).

Meanwhile, Adonna is over at her record label's sales department to smooth talk Super Sales (Eric Edwards), his secretary (Mai Lin) and Dave Darling (Francois Papillon), an art director (he's in charge of designing the video boxes).

My initial thought when Adonna comes barging onto their office was: Holy crap, that pink dress with the zipper sleeves is so fucking chic. However, after that initial thought had subsided, I thought to myself: I wonder how much cocaine Taija Rae did before shooting this scene?. And it would seem that I wasn't the only one who was thinking this, as Eric Edwards asks Adonna at one point if she's on anything. After giving Adonna's body the once over, Dave Daring suggests that since Cindi Looper and Ultra Box aren't there, that Super Sales and Mai Lin stand-in for them in order that he imagine what the box art will look like. One thing leads to another, and the four end up having group sex on the floor. As was the case with the studio scene with Cindi and Ultra Box, the music during the floor foursome is all wrong. I mean, the jazzy score just doesn't fit with the tone of the movie. If this had been, oh, let's say, a Doris Wishman-directed nudie cutie flick from 1964, it would have been perfect. But this film is about hot new wave chicks fucking their way to the top in 1985.

Wearing pink pantyhose, knee-high black boots, a pink top covered in splotchy black dots, multiple gold chains around her neck and a short black and white skirt, Cindi Looper shows up at the office of Joan (Lili Marlene), a booking agent of some kind. And I don't have to tell you what happens next. For those who don't know, Cindi Looper and Joan engage in lesbian sex with BSDM undertones.

Since Adonna and Cindi Looper have both tried to get their band's music video air play by employing sexual favours, it only makes sense that Ultra Box give it a shot. And her target is Mr. Wilson (Roger Scorpio), the music video channel's program director. As luck would have it, Mr. Wilson digs trampy chicks who talk dirty. And no one comes close to being as trampy or vulgar as Ultra Box.  Unlike the previous scenes, the one between Ultra Box and Mr. Wilson has pep. What I mean is, there's nary a dull moment. This is because Ultra Box never stops berating Mr. Wilson, who is inundated with crass put-downs and insults of an emasculating nature. My favourite line during the cunnilingus/annilingus portion of their love-making session is this Ultra Box gem: "I'm going to cum all over your executive neck-tie, you asshole!" Though, I have to say, "Come on, faggot. Give it to me," has its charms as well. Oh, and when Ultra Box informs Mr. Wilson: "I'll show you what Ultra Box is," I didn't doubt her for a second.

There was a moment when I got scared, as I didn't think Mr. Wilson had it in him. It occurs after Mr. Wilson had just expelled a modest amount of seminal fluid all over Ultra Box' ample hindquarters. When she instructs him to lick it off, I wanted to crawl under a rock. Assuming that Mr. Wilson would ignore her request, I braced for the awkwardness that was surely to come. To my unexpected delight, Mr. Wilson does exactly as he's told and laps up his spunky leavings with more vigor than I expected. You rock, Mr. Wilson.

Unfortunately, the same can't be said for Ron Jeremy's Teddy Turner; this guy's repulsive. Nonetheless, if Adonna, Cindi Looper and Ultra Box wanna get their music video on the air, this is is man to see, or, I should say, this is the man to fuck. I know, you're thinking to yourself: Why don't they just upload their shitty music video to YouTube? (that's what everyone else does). Believe or not, there was no YouTube in 1985. So, on the downside, they have to fuck Ron Jeremy in order to get famous. On the plus side, they wear pink (Cindi Looper), red (Ultra Box) and yellow (Adonna) stockings while doing so.