Motel Sweets (Eric Edwards, 1987)

Did creepy men in raincoats still go to see "adult movies" in theatres back in 1987? If so, I wonder if any of them were as horrified as I was when they saw what porn had done to Taija Rae. Sure, she could have done it to herself. But I have a feeling someone within porn industry forced Taija to loose all that weight. If you don't know, the main reason Taija Rae is so fondly remembered as one of the greatest porn stars of the 1980s has nothing to do with her acting or charisma. No, the reason porn fans the world over loved Taija so much was because her body had oomph. What's "oomph," you ask? Well, to put it another way, Taija's body had a shapeliness to it that caused her to stand out in the porn crowd. Nowadays, porn stars come in all shapes and sizes. But back in the 1980s, all porn stars looked pretty much the same. Of course, stars like, Keisha and Lois Ayres stood out as well. But Taija Rae had that all-natural look long before anybody else. Which is why it was such a shame to see it eroded in Eric Edwards' Motel Sweets, a tepid porn sitcom set in a motel. Now, I wanted to say, "set in a weird motel," but the motel in this movie isn't as weird as Eric Edwards thinks it is. At any rate, getting back to Taija Rae's drastic weight loss. I don't know what she did to lose so much weight (drugs, perhaps?), but seeing her as an emaciated stick figure was disheartening. Her thick, delicious thighs reduced to formless pipe cleaners. Her rotund rump robbed of its ripple-inducing splendour. Her child-bearing hips plundered of their innate sway-appeal. Her juicy... Well, you get the idea.

Since I don't want this entire exercise to be about Taija Rae's tragic transformation from a shapely porn goddess to a gaunt, cocaine-soaked bag of skin, I'll try to complain about something else. Hmm, there's so much to choose from. (How about the fact that you have to wait thirty whole minutes before a pulsating pussy is properly penetrated by a pockmarked penis?) Nah, that's the kind of thing the raincoat crowd would complain about. I actually liked the fact that Eric Edwards made an attempt to tell a story. Only problem being, it's no Squalor Motel. And that right there is my biggest non-Taija-drastic-weight-loss-related problem with this movie. It thinks it's Squalor Motel. But trust me, it ain't.

As I stated earlier, Motel Sweets isn't as weird as it thinks it is. It also doesn't help that Eric Edwards' late night motel manager keeps saying that Friday nights bring out the weirdos. Every time he would refer these so-called "weirdos," I would say: What weirdos?

Yes, the extremely fussy Mrs. Tirebiter is a tad on the eccentric side, but Tantala Ray is basically channeling Audra Lindley's Mrs. Roper from Three's Company. In other words, she's not exactly weird. That being said, Tantala Ray proves yet again that she is one the finest actresses in the business. No matter what the role. Whether it be Moms, the owner of the cafe in Café Flesh, the warden in Desperate Women or the staunch lesbian in The Devil in Miss Jones 4, Tantala manages to elevate the material. However, unlike the movies I just mentioned, Motel Sweets needs all the help it can get.

While Tantala is working her milfy butt off to provide the comedy relief (to be fair, Eric Edwards says a few things that are on the cusp of being funny as well), who brings the sexy? After all, this is supposed to be a porno. And the last time I checked, porn is supposed to be sexy. At least it was back in the 1980s.

Well, since there's nothing sexy about Taija Rae in this movie, who's going to step in to fill the void? Why, it's none other than Shanna McCullough.

When I saw Shanna McCullough's delightfully round ass and workmanlike thighs appear onscreen for the very first time, I let out a sigh of relief. Bringing big booty majesty to the pre-Sir-Mix-a-Lot age, Shanna McCullough's never not pound-worthy organic structure is something I can always count on. And while Eric Edwards doesn't fully exploit Shanna McCullough's hefty thighs and larger than life buttocks to the degree I had hoped, I took solace in the fact that her curves were representin' something fierce.

However, until Shanna shows up, we have to endure Eric Edwards' wannabe film noir narration. Playing Sam Cooper, the night manager of a modest motel on the outskirts of town, Eric bemoans the fact that it's Friday night, his least favourite day of the week.

When Sam arrives to start the night-shift, he finds Taija Rae's Daisy the prostitute's skinny ass not making a dent in his office couch. I will say this, even though Taija no longer has the curves to properly fill her super-tight neon yellow tiger print hooker dress, the thrift store garment itself is quite fetching.

After we learn that Daisy prefers to be called "Sunshine" (she thinks it's more skank-appropriate), Martha (Tantala Ray) and George Tirebiter (Wayne Stevens) walk in the door. While Martha is paying the 27.50 for room 13, George is getting a cup of coffee. Well, at least he's trying to. You see, the coffee is as thick as molasses. And in order to stop the flow, you need a pair of scissors. Even though the cutting the coffee gag is only employed twice, it feels like it's employed at least five times. What I think I'm trying to say is: Would somebody fuck someone already.

Just kidding, I'm a big fan of character development. Besides, I loved it when Martha Tirebiter calls the front desk to complain that the toilet in her room doesn't have a sanitation strip on it, and Juanita (Ona Z), the night maid, misinterprets Sam's instructions to put a sanitation strip room 13's toilet (there's a bit of a language barrier between them). Instead putting a strip on their toilet, she performs a striptease, complete with black fully-fashioned stockings and wacky sound effects, for a befuddled Martha and George. I know this is an odd thing to say, but pay close attention to Tantala's face as Ona Z strips, her exaggerated facial expressions are pure gold.

Unlike the coffee cutting gag, the language barrier bit between Sam and Juanita is actually employed several times over the course of the film. (Several?!?) Okay, maybe three or four times. But still, it's more than two. Anyway, Juanita ends up in a three-way with a couple of truckers (Billy Dee and Jon Martin) and screwing Robert Bullock's Al the bug guy, who can be usually found hanging out in The Rusty Pipe Lounge, which, I have to say, is nowhere as cool as The Reptile Room, the motel-adjacent club from Squalor Motel.

After Sam gives newlyweds, Tom (Mike Horner) and Trisha (Shanna McCullough), a room on the house, Daisy/Sunshine finally hooks up with her trick for the evening. Now, I have to say, this guy (Nick Random) could be viewed as weird. I know, he seems harmless, but that puppet sex routine involving Mr. Weasel she makes Daisy/Sunshine partake in was not even close to being normal. In fact, you could call it abnormal. Either way, after some puppet-based foreplay, Nick Random sticks his dick Taija's primary fuck-hole... and the crowd goes wild.

(How come you didn't mention the fact that we get to see the tops of Taija's stockings during the puppet scene?) If Taija's thighs were the size they were a year ago, than, yes, I would have mentioned the tops of her stockings. But her thighs aren't the size they were a year ago, are they? No, they aren't. So, screw Taija's scrawny thighs.

As for Shanna McCullough... damn, girl! Sure, she doesn't wear stockings, but Shanna McCullough's rooftop sex scene with Mike Horner pretty much saved this movie from being an exercise in tedium.

Actually, Nikki Knights' "Devilina," who wears red suspender hose, does her best to fight tedium as well, with her devilish performance as "The Devil." While I liked Taija's hooker dress, I couldn't help but laugh when Devilina calls it "god awful" and tells her to "burn it."

You could say the same things about Motel Sweets. But it's not really all that bad. And, yes, the raincoat crowd must have found the thirty minute wait for penetration to be excruciating, I could care less. No, the film's biggest problems are simply this: Taija Rae is not hot as a skinny slut (Marlene Willoughby, on the other hand, is a hot skinny slut) and the film is basically a poor man's Squalor Motel.

Squalor Motel (Kim Christy, 1985)

Despite the fact that there's a good chance that a disgusting man (one in a pig mask wearing ill-fitting lingerie) will be watching your every move, I still wouldn't mind spending the night or two at the bizarre motel that is at the centre of Kim Christy's ultra-freaky, ultra-kinky Squalor Motel (Come for the cheap rates, stay for the guilt-free cunnilingus). However, since lumpy crossdresser pig mask voyeurism isn't listed in the brochure, most of the folks who stay at the "Squalor Motel" will remain enveloped in a haze of perpetual darkness when it comes to the plethora of weirdos and perverts who haunt the motel's hallways on a semi-regular basis. In other words: Please continue to dine on your girlfriend's consecrated lady speckle at the rate of speed you're currently dining. Sincerely, the staff and management of Squalor Motel. Even though no such document exists, that didn't stop me from noticing that something was missing from the Squalor Motel brochure. Sure, it mentions having clean sheets and a colour television in every room (I sure do miss the days when motel's listed colour TV as a selling point), but there's no mention of The Reptile Room.

In my mind, The Reptile Room is the sole reason to stay at the Squalor Motel. Seriously, it makes no sense to not mention it in your brochure. In fact, if I was in charge, the brochure would be all about The Reptile Room, as that place is hip and happening.

Don't believe me? Let's see, I got, uh, um, I got... eleven words for you: Punks and trans-women cavorting in the vicinity of a glory hole.

Just a sec, I gotta double check something. Yeah, that's totally eleven words (yay! I can count). I know, I could have given you ten words if I had chosen to spell "glory hole" as one word. But, hey, I didn't, so get over it.

Personally, I don't think the words "glory" and "hole" should really touch one another; that's just the way I was raised.

Enough about semantics. I was just thinking to myself: Oh, if only I could share with you the awesome music of Vida Slann. Vida who, you say? Vida Slann, the person responsible for the synth-tastic music heard throughout Squalor Motel. Where have you been, man? At any rate, wondering how I was going to describe the music from this movie, I decided to search the youtube using the words "Vida" and "Slann" (previous searches centred around the words "Squalor" and "Motel" came up empty). Well wouldn't you know it, someone posted an audio portion of the music that opens the film.

I'm telling you, the music in this movie is a synth lovers dream, especially if you like your synths dark and sinister.

It should go without saying, but the instant I heard the music, I knew I had made the right choice, porno-wise, that is.

The music from the youtube clip I provided, like I already said, plays over the opening scene, which features a brief dream sequence that has Miss Clark (Colleen Brennen), the cat-eye glasses-wearing front desk clerk at the Squalor Motel, seeing a strange couple to their rooms (down a slanted hallway). When all of a sudden, she sees herself being wheeled away on a gurney... only, she isn't dead or injured, no, she's laughing hysterically.

Awoken by Manny (Nick Random), the motel's sleazy manager, Miss Clark seems dazed. But quickly snaps out of it, and begins to verbally joust with Manny. Of course, it being Squalor Motel (a twenty dollar a night freak show on the outskirts of a fever dream), their verbal jousting involves lewd and lascivious wordplay.

After one of them asks: Who's in the Reptile Room? The pair take turns watching a slender brunette with slicked back hair have stand up coitus with a man wearing a bald cap near a cherub statue through a hole in the wall. Other than Vida Slann's music and the fact that the male participant is wearing a bald cap, nothing really stands out about this scene; naked people having sex... how pedestrian.

The next person to enter the motel is Nancy (Desiree Lane), a wide-eyed, long-nippled woman who looks like she just got married. Putting down her book (Bound Pig Fuckers), Miss Clark envisions herself having a lesbian scenario with the wide-eyed, long-nippled woman standing before her; a scenario that involves licking, groping, fingerless and fingered gloves and lingerie. When this scene runs its course, we're back where we started... the front desk.

I think I speak for everyone when I say it's time for Nancy to enter The Reptile Room. And who do you think the first person Nancy runs into? That's right, it's none other than Jamie Gillis. Credited as the "Doorman," Jamie offers to sell Nancy the various items he has tucked away under his trench coat (sex toys, Preparation H, etc). Realizing that she isn't interested in buying anything he's selling, Jamie invites Nancy to put his penis in her mouth; free of charge... what a great deal.

When satisfaction is achieved, a cum-stained Nancy literally falls into The Reptile Room. What she sees will alter the course of her spiritual trajectory forever. Okay, maybe that's a bit of an overstatement. But nevertheless, Nancy is deeply affected by what she sees.

While the producers of Café Flesh (a film that clearly influenced the makers of Squalor Motel) had an entire blood bank and methadone clinic to get extras from, Kim Christy and her crew could only scrounge up a handful of punks and freaks for The Reptile Room sequence.

This lack of extras, however, does not mean the scene is not memorable. Don't believe me? Well, let me just say this: The gorgeous Angelique Ricard plays the lead guitarist in The Reptile Room's transgender house band? Flanked on either side by Magnificent Margo and Summer St. Cerly, Angelique Ricard sways back and forth to the music. And by doing so, we would get a brief glimpse of her cock every five or six sways. (Every five or six sways? I'm no math whiz, but that would mean we get close to eighteen glimpses of her mouthwatering girl-cock.) Yep, it's pretty fucking cool–you know, if girl-cock glimpses are your thing.

As the transgender house band are swaying and the punks are glaring, a new wave-ish brunette can be see giving head to a man in hiked down leather pants (studies have shown that hiked down leather pants are more conducive to oral sex than pulled up leather pants).

Even though I'm indifferent to non-transgender blow job scenes, the fact that the new wave-ish brunette's metallic triangle-shaped earring would crash into the leather pants guy's abdomen every time she would inhale his non-peppermint-scented flesh-stick was very appealing to me. It's too bad they couldn't have found away to show that her earring was cutting into his abdomen. Call me  perpendicular, but I really would have liked to have seen the affected area to slowly bleed as the blow job progressed. Oh well.

Meanwhile, in one of the motel's rooms, a blonde sailor is getting a blow job from a black chick with silver hair and a yokel is surprised to find that one of his sex dolls has come to life.

While taking a break from performing, the transsexuals watch as the Nazi-esque Dr. Thumbs (Herschel Savage) and his gum-smacking assistant, Nurse Terri Kloth (Lisa De Leeuw), try to jump-start the libido that belongs to Mrs. Shipowitz (Tantala Ray), who is wearing black stockings. This scene is my favourite, for obvious reasons (Lisa De Leew and Tantala Ray are always worth watching... the former for her freckled thickness and the latter for her brash camp-appeal), but the reason the scene really stands out is the music. I'm telling you, this film has hands down one of the best scores I've ever heard. It makes even the film's mediocre scenes so much better. Not to imply that Squalor Motel is filled with mediocre scenes. Anyway, thanks, Miss Christy. You make good pornographies. Bring on She-Male Sanitarium!