Guns (Andy Sidaris, 1990)

If ever there was a movie that lived up to its name, it isn't Guns. Oh, sure, it's got guns, plenty of guns; it's got guns up the wazoo. But I think the title sells itself short. This film, Andy Sidaris' latest attempt to make Dona Speir a movie star, has more going for it than just guns. It's got opera glove-wearing nightclub singers, magic shows, brunette-on-brunette violence, ninjas, stockings, and dyke bar-quality oil wrestling. Though, it should be noted that the so-called "opera glove-wearing nightclub singers" scene involves guns to some degree (the lyrics, and the song's title, for that matter, are both gun-centric), and the brunette-on-brunette violence involves guns, too. In fact, everything I just mentioned, even the stockings, involve guns in some shape or form. I guess I better just except the fact that this movie is called "Guns" and move on. I know you implied that you were going to move on, but how on earth does one combine stockings and guns? If there's anyone who knows how to mix stockings and guns, it's Andy Sidaris. Now, I'm fully aware that this the first Andy Sidaris film since Malibu Express to feature nylons of any kind. But you have got to remember, all the films made in-between Malibu Express and Guns take place almost exclusively in Hawaii. And, as most people know, Hawaii and hosiery don't exactly go together. Just in case you're not most people, the reason they don't get along is because of the island's climate. You see, it's humid in Hawaii. In other words, it's not the most nylon-friendly environment to wear stockings, pantyhose, or even socks. Don't believe me, pay close attention to all the scenes in this film that take place in Hawaii, you won't see a single pair of nylon-ensnared gams or knee-sock adorned feet anywhere.
 

 

You know what else I missed seeing during the last two Andy Sidaris films? Wow, you know me all too well. That's right, I'm missed the rampant transvestism. Okay, I wouldn't call Malibu Express and Hard Ticket to Hawaii films that are drenched in cross-dressing (mmm, films drenched in cross-dressing). I wish they were, but they ain't. However, at least they dealt with the subject. If you remember correctly, both films feature male characters who dress in drag, and surprisingly, given the film's action movie pedigree, both treat the subject in a respectful, nonchalant fashion. You could even say the films are trans-positive. But let's not get carried away.
 

 

Much to my chagrin, the two previous Andy Sidaris films were totally lacking when it came to cross-dressing. Well, I'm happy to report that Guns finds transvestism back where it belongs. An Andy Sidaris film without cross-dressing is not a true Andy Sidaris film. And I'm even happier to report that it's back in a big way in Guns. How so? I got two words for you: Transvestite assassins!
 

 

When you ask the average slob why they watch Andy Sidaris films, they'll tell you that they watch them for the hot chicks. I, on the other hand, watch them for...the hot chicks. Just kidding. I watch them for the off chance that one of them might boast a pair of transvestite assassins. And Guns delivers two of the most memorable transvestite assassins in film history.
 

 

Just so you know, I love the words "transvestite" and "assassin," so be prepared to hear the two words repeatedly slammed together over the course of this...whatever, the hell this is.
 

 

As I watched the Andy Sidaris films that proceeded Guns, I would always think myself, why doesn't Andy give Cynthia Brimhall a bigger role? (She wasn't even in Savage Beach.) Clearly more attractive and more talented than any of the other mouth-breathers that appear in these movies, to see Cynthia constantly relegated to the sidelines was unacceptable. Well, fear not fans of people who are clearly more attractive and more talented than Dona Speir, Cynthia Brimhall is about to get her chance to shine.
 

 

Headlining the Rio Casino in Las Vegas, Cynthia Brimhall's Edy Stark has finally hit the big time. No longer stuck greeting restaurant patrons in Molokai while wearing pastel-coloured mini-dresses, Cynthia is on stage performing "Guns" for a captive audience. Sure, the audience is mostly made up of degenerate gamblers and mid-level mobsters, but this Las Vegas, baby! And you know what? She ain't bad. I mean, I was totally humming the line, "Don't play with guns / They ain't no fun" after the film was over. It also helped that the song is heard again over the closing credits. But still, it was catchy and Cynthia has definitely got the goods. It didn't hurt that she was wearing a cleavage-accentuating bra, opera gloves, and a sparkly blue thong while she performed the song in question.
 

 

After the show is over we meet Juan Degas, a.k.a. the Jack of Diamonds, a semi-suave gun runner. Do you want to know who plays this semi-suave gun runner? You do? Okay. Are you ready? The semi-suave gun runner  is played by none other than Erika Estrada! That's right, Ponch himself. Look at me, acting like I'm the world's biggest Erika Estrada fan. My memory of CHiPs is foggy at best, and I don't think I've ever seen him in a movie before. But I have to say, his performance in Guns is outstanding.
 

 

You know how it didn't hurt when Cynthia Brimhall decided to wear that sparkly bra/thong combo when she performed the film's titular ditty? Well, it didn't hurt that Erika Estrada's right hand man throughout Guns is played by Danny Trejo. I'm telling you, if you thought the sight of Erika Estrada acting duplicitous was awesome, try picturing him acting like that while Danny Trejo is standing next to him. It doesn't get any better than this.
 

 

Oh, really? It doesn't get any better than that, eh? It's obvious you never seen Kym Malin walk down the streets of Lake Havasu City in a pair of super-tight sea green trousers before. 
 

 

Anyway, after informing a couple of would-be assassins that the 's' in his last name is silent, Juan Degas tells the would-be assassins, Cubby (Chu Chu Malave) and Tito (Richard Cansino), that he wants to hire them.
 

 

Much to my displeasure, it's not Donna (Dona Speir) that he wants dead, but her new partner, Nicole Justin (Roberta Vasquez). Hey, what happened to Hope Marie Carlton? She's not in this movie. In fact, Savage Beach was the last Andy Sidaris film she ever appeared in. Did they explain what happened to her character? Nope. Man, that blows. Well, at least Rocky (Lisa London) is back. Um, yeah, about that.
 

 

If you remember, I was quite taken with Miss London's brief appearance in Savage Beach (yeah, I remember). And it looks like she's still "busting heads and baking bread." Speaking of remembering stuff, do you recall the scene in Savage Beach when Rocky gets a bread making machine delivered to her restaurant? No? Well, I do. And I appreciated the fact that there's a reference to Rocky's bread making in Guns. These films have a tendency to reward attentive viewers.
 

 

You won't believe what happens next. How should put this? Let's just say Rocky has baked her last loaf of bread. You mean? Yep. On the bright side, she's killed by two guys dressed in drag. How is that on the bright side? I don't know, people say weird shit when they're in mourning. At any rate, instead of killing Nicole, Cubby and Tito, who, like, I said, are dressed in drag, put a bullet in the head of an another brunette (Allegra Curtis), one who just happened to be wearing the same dress Nicole was wearing.

 

"We're born naked, and the rest is drag." ― RuPaul
 

 

As Cubby and Tito are changing out of their clothes, Juan Degas is testing out a new Chinese made sub-machinegun. How did I know it was "Chinese made"? Oh, I don't know, the guy selling them was Chinese. (The reliably Chinese George Cheung, a.k.a. the limo driver from The Beach Girls, plays a Chinese gun salesman.) Wrong. It was because the gun had a red and gold, communist-style star on the handle. Wait. What kind of idiot would put a giant red and gold star on a gun? Let it go, man. It's only a movie. 
 

 

Spotting the assassins leaving the women's washroom, Nicole has a hunch that the Rocky's killers weren't women, but guys dressed as women. This hunch leads to an extended helicopter-airplane chase (yawn). But don't worry fans of transvestite assassins, Cubby and Tito get away. As expected, this tragic event leads to Lucas (William Bumiller), the leader of a secret network of federal agents, to assemble a team in order to stop Juan Degas' dastardly plan, which, I guess, involves guns.
 

 

Finding Edy Stark is a piece of cake, since Lucas, and his sidekick Brown (John Brown), who still hasn't found a jacket that fits him properly, are stationed in Las Vegas. Am I seeing things, or do Cynthia Brimhall's boobs look bigger than they were in Picasso Trigger? Hmm, interesting. Either way, I'm placing Kym Malin at the top of this film's hottie list (she looks amazing in this film). It's funny you should mention Miss Malin, as Lucas and Brown find Kym (Kym Malin), a.k.a. "Kyller Kym," and her glistening torso, wrestling against Hug Higgins (Donna Spangler) at "Oil Mania."
 

 

Also on the team are Bruce Christian (Bruce Penhall), Shane Abilene (Michael Shane), and Abe (Chuck McCann) and Ace (Liv Lindeland), who perform a magic act at the Rio Casino.
 

 

It's during the team's meeting in Lake Havasu City that we get to see Kym Malin in those super-tight sea green trousers I alluded to earlier. Call me, oh, what should I ask others to call me today? Oh, I know. Call me a cantankerous cold sore with three months to live, but I'd rather watch Kym Malin strut about in those super-tight sea green trousers, than watch any of the exhaustive action scenes that take place in this film. Also, the sight of Kym Malin cruising drag bars in a leather bra and fishnets (keep an eye for Sidaris regular Rodrigo Obregón as "Large Marge" during the drag bar sequence), guarding the casino's rear entrance during the film's finale, or the part where she contradicts Dona Speir (contradict that narcissistic hosebeast) all made Guns a worthwhile experience.    
 

 

How are Juan Degas and Tong (the actual name of Danny Trejo's character), going to be able to stand up to the team Lucas has assembled? I mean, two guys against ten federal agents? It doesn't seem fair. Well, Juan Degas has a leggy surprise in store for them. A leggy surprise, you say? A leggy surprise. Her name is Cash (Devin DeVasquez), and she desperately wants to kill something. Remember that brunette-on-brunette violence I mentioned earlier? It rears its full-bodied brunette head when Devin DeVasquez (Society) and Cynthia Brimhall go toe-to-toe with one another. Their first encounter involves cattiness, the second involves mirrors, a yellow towel, and a couple of silenced pistols.
 

 

Don't forget, Juan Degas still has Cubby and Tito on the payrole. How could I forget them? What's cool about Cubby and Tito is that they dress in drag in their spare time as well. Hold on. You thought they only dressed in drag when they killed people? No, no. They take cross-dressing very seriously. 

 

If it couldn't get any worse for Dona Speir, she has to endure being upstaged by the gorgeous Phyllis Davis (Sweet Sugar), who plays the attorney general of Nevada. And get this, we're supposed to believe that Phyllis Davis is Dona Speir's mother. Even though Phyllis is at least twenty years older than Dona (so, yeah, the math adds up), I thought, well, let's just say, their roles could have easily been reversed. Instead of seeing that as yet another slam against Dona Speir, I have chosen to view it as a compliment to Phyllis, who looks terrific with blonde hair. I also dug the pencil skirt/black stockings combination she wears throughout the film, as there's nothing sexier than a confident woman in her late forties who dresses for success.

guns trailer uploaded by asidaris

Picasso Trigger (Andy Sidaris, 1988)

According to Newman, the air in Hawaii is so dewy-sweet, that you don't even have to lick the stamps. And after enduring my third, or was it my fourth? Who has time to count? Anyway, after enduring yet another Andy Sidaris film, I think Newman might be right. The air in Hawaii does seem more moist than...Hold on, did I just say, "enduring"? Let me check. Yeah, it looks like I just did. That's not right. What I should have said was "enjoying," as there's no denying that, despite what they might lack in terms of everything, the films of Andy Sidaris are always enjoyable. Sure, you think they're enjoyable now. But wait until you're writing about your tenth Andy Sidaris film. He made ten movies?!? More than that, actually. Holy crap! So, yeah. Talk to me after you have watched Fit to Kill and Hard Hunted, then we'll see how committed you are to the cult of Andy Sidaris. Hey, as long as they all have hot chicks prancing around in mini-dresses, I'll be fine. What about your world famous aversion to big boobs and bad acting? When did I say I had say I had an aversion to big boobs and bad acting? I think you might have misheard me or something. I don't like fake boobs, which are usually big boobs. As for bad acting? I love bad acting. But I'm not a fan of bad bad acting. Let give you a quick example: The sort of symmetrical Dona Speir is a bad bad actress; she has no charisma, she can't smoke a cigarette in a convincing manner, and she thinks her stupid tits are all that. On the other hand, the adorable Hope Marie Carlton is a good bad actress; her face has pep and she does a killer Mae West impression. Wait, you thought H.M.C.'s Mae West impression was killer? I'd say it was average at best. Okay, maybe it wasn't a "killer." But at least she tried, and that's more than I can say for some of the dolts and dunderheads that appear in Picasso Trigger, the two-pronged action thrill ride with more unexpected explosions than an ill-conceived diarrhea awareness convention. Aren't all diarrhea awareness conventions ill-conceived? Touché.     
 

 

Taking his Playboy Playmates shooting automatic weapons in a tropical environment formula and not changing it one bit, Andy Sidaris expands his global reach with this film about double-crossing spies. Stop for a second. Is Andy sticking with his usual game plan, or is he mixing things up? Which is it? Actually, I think he's doing more of the latter in Picasso Trigger, as the film opens in Paris, France of all places.  
 

 

I wonder if Andy Sidaris and his crew actually flew to Paris to film the opening scene? Which, like I said, takes place in Paris, France. You don't wonder that. You're right, I'm more concerned about Cynthia Brimhall, Roberta Vasquez, Kym Malin, and Hope Marie Carlton. I mean, how long do I have to wait until I see their shapely bodies onscreen?  
 

 

The Picasso Triggerfish is known for its survival skills, and so is Salazar (John Aprea), codename: Picasso Trigger. However, after donating a painting of a Picasso Triggerfish to a Paris art gallery, Picasso Trigger is gunned down by a sniper while leaving the gallery. Who would want him dead? The question you should be asking yourself is, who wouldn't want him dead? I have a nagging suspicion that a drug lord named Miguel Ortiz (Rodrigo Obregón) had something to do with his death. But what's nagging me even more is the fact that Miguel and Salazar looked like they were in cahoots with one another; Miguel sends Salazar a taped message informing him that the plan to avenge the death of his brother is "in motion."
 

 

Meanwhile, at the Sands Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, Kym (Kym Malin) and Pattycakes (Patty Duffek) are putting on a show. Dressed up like untamed cowgirls of the wild west, Kym and Pattycakes dance erotically while Juan (former Mr. Universe, John Brown), an undercover agent, Shiavo (Nicholas Georgiade), a snuff film director, and a chubby dude and a blonde guy with a ponytail attentively watch from the audience. When you get right down to it, the only real reason this paragraph exists, besides explaining the nefarious makeup of the Sands audience, is to point out that Kym Malin is an attractive woman. And now that I have done that, we can safely move on. That doesn't mean I'm not going to bring up Kym Malin's attractiveness at a later date, I just wanted to make sure I didn't skip over her, as I've noticed that a lot of Picasso Trigger reviews seem to fail to mention Miss Malin, who is easily in the film's top three when it comes to sex appeal.
 

 

Oh, and remember those two guys? You know, the chubby one and the blonde  guy with the ponytail? What about them? Well, one of the associates of the snuff film director puts a homing device on their person as they're leaving the casino. Tracking them in a helicopter, the snuff film director associate kills them in the middle of the desert with some sort of rocket launcher. Tracking devices? Helicopters? Rocket launchers? It all seemed so overly complicated. I mean, couldn't they just have shot them? You obviously haven't seen that many Andy Sidaris films. People in his films are always dispatched in this manner. Okay, maybe not always. Take the next scene, for example, as two assassins target two federal agents in Molokai. They were simply shot while walking on the beach. But for the most part, all the violence in his films usually involve helicopters, toy planes, toy cars, jet skis, hovercrafts, airplanes, boomerangs, medical prostheses, speedboats, you name it. Spear guns? Sure, spear guns.
 

 

Funny you should mention toy planes, as federal agents Donna (Dona Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) are about to be targeted for assassination. Someone tries to kill them with a toy plane? Exactly. Except, they were off snorkeling when the toy plane (one packed with explosives) destroys their boat. 
 

 

It would seem that someone is bumping off federal agents. And it's not just agents in Molokai and Las Vegas, they're even being targeted in Texas. Just ask L.G. Abilene (Guich Koock), who is nearly blowed up real good at his ranch. If the name "Abilene" sounds familiar, that's because L.G. is related to Travis Abilene (Steve Bond), the cousin or brother of the Abilene's who appeared in Malibu Express and Hard Ticket to Hawaii. And just like those other Abilene's, Travis is no marksmen, but he is a hit with the ladies. 
 

 

Enter Pantera (Roberta Vasquez), the leggiest, most badonkalicious federal agent currently in the spy game. She apparently worked undercover with Salazar, and, so, Travis decides to bring on board the team he's assembling to stop the bloodletting that is currently afflicting much damage on the federal agent community. But won't Donna be upset that Travis is working so closely a woman he once dated?  
 

 

When Travis gets one look at Pantera's legs, he'll be saying, Donna who? Seriously, look at her legs. Look at them!!!
 

 

After taking in some line dancing at Cowboys, the premiere club for all your synth-flavoured country and western needs, and engaging in some against the wall  intercourse, Travis and Pantera drive, in his red Ferrari, to Uncertain, Texas, to meet up with L.G. at the Big Pines Lodge.
 

 

While I admire you attention to detail. But what I really want to know is, what is Roberta Vasquez wearing? Oh, I'm sorry. She's only wearing the tightest pair of white leopard print pants ever to exist on this or any other plane of existence.
 

 

The sight of Roberta Vasquez's ample booty encased in those ridiculously tight pants are the real reason to watch this movie.
 

 

Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise, obviously has a different opinion than mine. And I respect that. But come on. You have to admire its oomph-like panache.
 

 

After an extended speed boat chase (yawn), we see Pantera leaning against Travis's Ferrari in a manner that practically screams Whitesnake.
 

 

As she leans, a hush suddenly falls over the audience. Will Pantera turn around once more and give us one last look at her robust ass sheathed in those super-tight pants? Spoiler alert: She totally does. And the crowd goes wild.
 

 

Instead of ending on a high note, Picasso Trigger inexplicably continues for another forty or so minutes. After all the agents are briefed in Las Vegas, Donna and Pantera get in a bit of pissing contest over the ownership of Travis's American cock. In reality, Donna's non-existent booty wouldn't stand a chance against the junk Pantera is packing in her trunk. But Travis ends up spending the night with Donna. Boo! You suck, Travis!
 

 

You might be thinking to yourself, what does Cynthia Brimhall get up to in this flick? Well, let me tell you. On top of sporting a tight stripped number on the tarmac of some airport, Cynthia's Edy Stark teams up with Jade (Harold Diamond) to take down one of Ortiz's associates. The kicker being, that Edy and Jade dress up as the least convincing telephone repairmen in the long, storied history of the fake telephone repairman ruse to do so; they look like a couple of strippers, all that was missing was their boombox blasting out "Wild Thing" by Tone Lōc.
 

 

Hot tub sex, Liv Lindeland's milfy legs strutting pool side, weightlifting sex, boxy blazers (it must be murder for Mr. Universe to find a jacket that fits), a motorbike chase (one that involves Bruce Penhall), Hope Marie Carlton wielding an uzi, and a crutch-zooka (a combination crutch/bazooka), Picasso Trigger checks all the boxes you want to be checked when faced with an Andy Sidaris film. Mind you, that doesn't mean it's a good movie. I'm just saying it provides everything you've come to expect from the jacuzzi-obsessed director. Personally, I thought Roberta Vasquez's bum in those leopard print pants, Kym Malin's untamed cowgirl theatrics, and Cynthia Brimhall's overall gorgeousness were enough to satisfy my frightfully superficial needs and wants.
 

 

As usual, we're treated to a coda where our "heroes" drink champagne to celebrate yet another successful mission. And in terms of making a lasting impression fashion-wise, I have to give Hope Marie Carlton's pastel outfit the prize for being the most fabulous, as she looks amazing (dig those unattached sleeves, girl).

video uploaded by asidaris

Hard Ticket to Hawaii (Andy Sidaris, 1987)

Is there such a thing as bare nipple fatigue? How about rocket launcher sluggishness? If these phony-sounding afflictions are in fact real, I didn't succumb either as I watched the totally awesome Hard Ticket to Hawaii, a film dares to ask the question: Do these pink bikini bottoms make my ass look fantastic? Sporting a mission statement so straightforward, that you would have to be suffering from the world's worst subdural hematoma to not be able to pick up on it, writer-director Andy Sidaris (Malibu Express) seems to like two things: scantily clad women and pulse-pounding action. Did I say, "like"? It's more like he worships them. Drenched in magazine-quality bikini babes and featuring action sequences that involve blow up dolls, female body builders in mini-dresses shooting uzis from helicopters, and weaponized frisbees, there's a steadfast purity to Andy's version of what a spy thriller should look like. And not only that, he's profoundly committed to whatever is transpiring onscreen at any given moment. Take the snake subplot, for instance. He could have easily forgotten about it halfway through the picture. But, no, his dedication to his craft is so evident, that when the snake does eventually reappear after a long absence, you will no doubt think to yourself, much like I did: "Oh yeah, the snake's still out there." Besides, it would have been foolish not continue with the whole contaminated snake subplot. After all, a lot work obviously went into the creation of the snake puppet (Frederick Luff, "conceptioneering creature design"), and it ends up paying off quite handsomely when all is said and done, as it comes bursting out of a Molokai toilet, enabling the line, "Just when you thought it was safe to pee," to be uttered by our "hero" with a smarmy grace.

 

 

Turning our attention to less scaly matters, when you get right down to it, the film all about winsome women wielding uzis in a tropical paradise, nothing more, nothing less. Sure, not every babe, hottie, musclebound henchwomen, or sexually attractive hanger-on wields an uzi in Hard Ticket to Hawaii; in fact, I only recall seeing two who actually fire one in anger during the film's spry running-time. But, as my wise old Aunt Judy would say, "Two uzis are better than no uzis." Why every movie doesn't feature sexy ladies firing uzis has always baffled me. I mean, people love sexy ladies (well, at least they do in my frightfully specific universe), and I've yet to meet anyone who doesn't like uzis.
 

 

Choosing to build up the scenes where uzis are employed, Andy Sedaris gives us a prologue involving two Molokai cops who are murdered after they accidentally stumble upon an illegal drug lab run by Seth Romero (Rodrigo Obregón), a brief encounter between Rowdy Abilene (Ronn Moss) and Donna Hamilton (Dona Speir) aboard the Malibu Express (yeah, that's right, Cody Abilene's boat from the film Malibu Express - they're obviously related), and a surprisingly clever opening credits sequence (the names of the cast and crew are stenciled on shipping crates).
 

 

Basking the in the sun as she waits for her partner to finish her morning swim, we meet Donna again. Except this time, she's not kissing a man who looks like the guy who plays Ridge on The Bold and The Beautiful. A secret agent who moonlights as an employee of Molokai Cargo, Donna and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) deliver people and goods to various points on the island, a lush, dewy place that will make your eyes melt. Transporting a couple on their honeymoon and a contaminated snake (they don't know it's contaminated - the label fell off in the cargo hangar) in their Cessna, the two blondes, both wearing khaki shorts and cowboy white boots, fly through the air as synths, rock guitars, drums provide the soundtrack for what is basically scenery porn.
 

 

After dropping off the honeymooners on an isolated beach, Donna and Taryn are confronted by a remote control helicopter as their walking back to their plane. The toy chopper lands in front of them and its doors open. As they're removing the item's that are inside it, two goons in Hawaiian shirts (which I guess in Hawaii are just called "shirts") start shooting at them. I'll admit, firing at the ladies was a tad harsh, but try to see it from their perspective. You've been instructed by your ruthless boss to pick up a package that will be delivered by via remote control helicopter, and when you go to collect it, two exceedingly blonde women in khaki shorts are messing with it. I don't know, call me crazy, but I thought Donna and Taryn were the ones in the wrong. I mean, they're not cops. What gives them the right to tamper with toy helicopters that don't belong to them? 
 

 

Narrowly escaping death (I've decided to let the whole toy helicopter controversy go), Donna and Taryn (who pockets one of the items from helicopter - see, she's a thief, too! let it go, man) head back to home base. In other words, unload and hit the jacuzzi.
 

 

Meanwhile, over at Edy's, a local eatery, we're introduced to Edy (Cynthia Brimhall), the chick who, you guessed it, runs Edy's, Ashely (David DeShay), the maître d', some random woman named Charlotte (Shawne Zarubica), I'm still trying figure out what the purpose of her character was (just kidding, no I'm not), and, of course, Seth Romero, who tells his henchmen after he learns of their incompetence that, "If brains were bird shit, you would have a clean cage."  
 

 

Judging by the bemused expression on his face, Seth (what kind name, by the way, is that for a drug lord?) really wanted what was inside that toy helicopter. And I can't say that I blame him, as Donna and Taryn soon discover what riches the chopper was carrying while enjoying a topless soak in their government subsidized jacuzzi. Truth be told, I was too busy keeping tabs on their respective bikini bottoms: Donna's lower half was barely sheathed in a pair of purple panties, while Taryn's ass crack rocked a red thong. But I did manage to notice that Taryn was in fact holding a diamond between her fingers.
 

 

While practicing their kung-fu on the deck of the Malibu Express (complete with un-PC "ching-chong" speak), they get word that's there's "trouble in paradise."If they think there's trouble now, wait until a couple of Seth's henchpeople come looking for the diamonds. My favourite of Seth's henchpeople has to be the totally buff Rosie (Lory Green), who throws Taryn around like a rag doll. Considering the diamonds aren't theirs in the first place, Donna (turquoise shorts) and Taryn (pink shorts) put up a pretty good fight; the former even manages to shoot Seth in the face. But don't worry, it just grazed him. What you should be worrying about is the fact that the contaminated snake broke free during the kerfuffle.
 

 

Deciding that they need to unwind and celebrate the fact that they "just shot Seth Romero in the face," Donna and Taryn head down to Edy's for some white wine. Hanging out at another table, we're introduced to Taryn's fella, J.J. Jackson (Wolf Larson), a vitamin-obsessed sports caster. (Huh, I had no idea the word "antioxidants" existed in 1987.) Oh, and make sure keep an eye on Michelle (Michael A. Andrews), the bartender at Edy's, there's something different about her. All right, who am I kidding? It's obvious that Michelle is a man in drag. 
 

 

This may sound a tad harsh, but I thought Michael A. Andrews was way more convincing as a woman than Dona Speir, and she was born a woman. I don't know, there was something about her that caused her come across as mannish (even her big hair didn't sit right with me). The fact that she refers to her own mannishness at one point made me feel a little better. But still, I found her aura to be totally unbecoming. What can I say? I'm not a big fan of white pumps when paired with pastel-coloured shorts. Add the fact she spells her first name with only one 'n' was irritating for some reason.
 

 

Someone who was not in danger of coming across as unbecoming was the gorgeous Hope Marie Carlton, a woman who clearly has a plethora of complicated thoughts rattling around inside her head at any given moment. It's true, putting a bunch of Playboy models in a movie has its pluses and minuses. But Hope proves that being attractive (even while wearing a hair raising scrunchie) and having an ebullient personality aren't mutually exclusive. You really get a sense of this while watching the scenes where she drinks white wine in a white thong and the one where she speaks Spanish to a couple of sumo wrestlers. In the former, she's just plain sexy. But in the latter, she's a complete goofball, yet she manages to retain her femininity.
 

 

Now that I've established my position on the whole contentious Dona Speir vs. Hope Marie Carlton issue (You down with H.M.C? Yeah you know me), let me try to get my head around the infamous rocket launcher blow up doll skate board sequence. An assassin tries take out Rowdy and Jade with a shotgun as they're on their way to meet up with Donna and Taryn. Sounds simple enough. But the fact that the assassin is riding a skate board, carrying a blow up doll, and, according to Rowdy, has been "smoking some heavy doobies" is causing my brain to throb ever so slightly. It didn't help matters that Rowdy decides to thwart skate boarder's assassination attempt by blasting him and his inflated friend with a rocket launcher. And if you thought both were blown to bits with one rocket, think again (think a third time, if necessary). Both the assassin and the doll are destroyed separately. Are you saying what I think you're saying? Yeah, he kills the assassin with a rocket, then fires another rocket at the blow up doll. As you might expect, the head containing my brain has yet to recover. 

 

 

Watching Shades (John Dunne), an uzi wielding henchman, play frisbee with Colleen (Colleen Nakasone), the owner of a great ass (Rowdy's words, not mine) on a beach near Seth Romero's hide out with their high-tech surveillance equipment, Donna and Taryn are in the recon phase of their elaborate plan to take down the slimy drug lord; oh, and rescue Edy (didn't you hear? she was kidnapped). How elaborate is this plan exactly? Well, I don't want to give to too much away, but let's just say, noise grenades, a motorized glider thingy, a frisbee affixed with razor blades (Shades in for a nasty surprise), spiky claw gloves, and, of course, a rocket launcher (fired indoors this time around) are all employed at one point during the operation.
 

 

Oh, and we finally get to see women fire uzis, as both H.M.C. and Lory Green use them during the film's final showdown. Actually, Hard Ticket to Hawaii has about three final showdowns: 1) The Siege on Seth Romero's compound 2) The Return of the Contaminated Snake Returns. 3. High Rise Comeuppance. The best part of final showdown #3 was H.M.C.'s outfit (I loved the way she looked in that white dress shirt - very chic).

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